I’m suddenly besties with a straight guy and my gaydar is pinging…

[8Cylinder]

A lot of good thoughts here from a mass of experience. I'll chip in and give you my simple approach that has always worked for me.

I have many hetero male friends, and they all know I'm gay. It has made us closer. One very close to me stops in for an overnight on occasion. He's a physical trainer and beautiful, and loves to be admired, loves to get naked or nearly so. He always showers in my glass shower with the door open knowing it tortures me. He just smiles and keeps showering.

We have an absolutely stress-free beautiful friendship, as I know and acknowledge he's straight. He asks me about my relationships and updates me about his, his inner thoughts, fears and desires. Sure... I'd blow him in two half heartbeats, but I don't think he wants that. If he does, he'll be honest about it. I haven't hit him up, as it just doesn't seem appropriate so far. I totally love this guy, and he tells me he loves me too... it's friendship, real 100% frienship.

His best friend is also like that with me except getting naked, which he would have no reservations about at all. But he hugs me like my mother would, as we're 100% honest around each other always.

A third friend, another physical trainer from Ecuador is the same. He knows I'm gay, and we've discussed each others' relationships and feelings, hurt from breakups and wishes, ideals and hopes for partners. We've cried together over each other's pain when something goes bad for the other. He's beautiful... 100% straight, and the open honesty between us allows the friendship. He would love a massage from me. I'll do that at some point when I get over the paranoia issues I have, he doesn't. He's not gay, not at all.

I value these friendships, and will do nothing to ruin them, like asking for sex. If they want it at some point, they'll be honest about that. No hurt feelings, no harm done. I joke openly with them all the time. The other day the first one I mentioned sent me a dick shaped foam pattern in the bottom of his coffee cup, saying he'd obviously been hanging around me too much. I told him on speaker with his buddy there that if he wanted any deeper influence in his life than the dick shaped stain, that's always available and he knows where I live. They laughed uproariously. Great fun. They treat me like family, and I've been invited too both parents' homes where they proudly introduce me as their gay buddy. I'm friends with the parents too. Honesty goes a long way.

 

[Murdoch1912]

I told him on speaker with his buddy there that if he wanted any deeper influence in his life than the dick shaped stain, that's always available and he knows where I live. They laughed uproariously. Great fun. They treat me like family, and I've been invited too both parents' homes where they proudly introduce me as their gay buddy. I'm friends with the parents too. Honesty goes a long way.

That’s really interesting. I don’t mean to detract from the original post, but you don’t find that demeaning at all? To me it says that your wants and needs are not as important as their wants and needs, which verifies their firm belief (and their families) that although they tolerate you, as a gay man you are lesser than their straight clan. That’s how it reads, anyway. Reminds me of those people you meet that are friends until something serious comes up and then are the first to throw you under the bus. I’m not in your situation so I could be 100% wrong, but perhaps it’s a side to it you’ve never considered.

 

[FrankieGuile]

That’s really interesting. I don’t mean to detract from the original post, but you don’t find that demeaning at all? To me it says that your wants and needs are not as important as their wants and needs, which verifies their firm belief (and their families) that although they tolerate you, as a gay man you are lesser than their straight clan. That’s how it reads, anyway. Reminds me of those people you meet that are friends until something serious comes up and then are the first to throw you under the bus. I’m not in your situation so I could be 100% wrong, but perhaps it’s a side to it you’ve never considered.

How do you know they (i.e., his family) believe he is "lesser than their straight clan?" Rather, I presume you are constructing your own intolerant straw man to knock it down based on your own prejudices and presumptions because it makes you feel better.

 

[Murdoch1912]

How do you know they (i.e., his family) believe he is "lesser than their straight clan?" Rather, I presume you are constructing your own intolerant straw man to knock it down based on your own prejudices and presumptions because it makes you feel better.

Not at all, it just seems that “their terms” seem to be more important than, say, “his terms”. Interesting side to it though.

 

[FrankieGuile]

Not at all, it just seems that “their terms” seem to be more important than, say, “his terms”. Interesting side to it though.

That is your interpretation which is not based on much. Even still, if their terms were more important, it does not logically lead to the conclusion they believe he is inferior. In any event, if one is self-determined and independent, then one is not affected by others' sense of inferiority or superiority. I am hoping he is more immune to those self-involved feelings than you seem to be.

 

[Cuteasianguy12]

Pretty casual response, said mine looked about an inch bigger than his. He also said he used it on dating apps after to get girls (totally fine with me, not a breach of my privacy or anything).

So since last time I spoke he got really drunk one night and we had an extreme deep and meaningful over texts. It got a bit heated on his end and I realised he’s got a lot more issues than I first thought. I of course was as helpful and there for him as I could be, but he’s since gone extremely distant, so I am assuming he’s thinking “shit, I opened up too much”.

Totally fine, I don’t mind. I’m not in it for anything now except a friendship. If anything did happen, awesome, but I don’t expect it.

Did you guys exchange dick's pics? Sounds HOT...

 

[Murdoch1912]

That is your interpretation which is not based on much. Even still, if their terms were more important, it does not logically lead to the conclusion they believe he is inferior. In any event, if one is self-determined and independent, then one is not affected by others' sense of inferiority or superiority. I am hoping he is more immune to those self-involved feelings than you seem to be.

*applause*

 

[E.R]

My guess on the suddenly short replies...he got himself a girlfriend, who he's not told you about.

If it ends, I'd imagine that you'll hear from him more.

 

[Schultzois]

Wow.

Fwiw, I think @matelalique read and advised you on the situation perfectly.

I’d like to, respectfully, delve a little more into the friend’s behaviors that you read into as flirty because I didn’t see them that way at all.

I have a number of buddies, all of whom are straight, some married some divorced(like me) and some just out here single and mingling and I have seen and heard a lot.

The way your friendship started was perfectly platonic. So you gave him a compliment and he didn’t recoil. Big deal. There are tons of straight men who love to be admired and don’t mind the occasional compliment from another guy. This site is a prima facie example of that.

Now in my circle, we don’t come out and say these things. But it could be more like a jab. Such as, I see my buddy and he’s going to a wedding so he’s suited up, all spit-shined and polished. In my mind, I know he looks quite handsome. But I might actually say something goofy like asking him if he shaved his balls too. Or ask him if he’s going to try and catch the bouquet. In my mind and on some level we both know I just told him he looks good, but it ends there.

As to your friend talking about the need to get some pussy? Totally normal if not expected behavior. If I have more than a 10 minute convo with one of my buds about anything, you can believe pussy or a comment about a woman they want to fuck or used to fuck or are trying very hard to fuck really soon -is going to ensue. And don’t get me started on the text pics/memes/gifs of women/pussy all the time. My married buddy that follows Islam is currently fasting for Ramadan. Every day since it started I get about 3-4 pussy related memes after sundown lol. Hell, I don’t really feel I am good friends until we’ve started talking about pussy or fucking. lol.

As to him calling more/less often, this again is very normal. I have buds that I have been cool with for years and our interactions have been quite variable. At times we have texted or talked several times a day in a week about nothing at all, just events of the day, work, life and oh yea, pussy. It’s just bound to come up at some point. And then, with no rhyme or reason we may go weeks without any communication. Eventually, one of us will send the other a funny meme or some thing happens in the news and we are back to daily chats again. But the friendship just keeps going like that.

And beyond the sexy talk, sometimes my buddies just want to talk. To another man. Not because it’s sexual and not because he’s lonely but just because there’s something very comforting about having a bud you just connect with like when you were young and life wasn’t as laden with responsibilities and stress. That’s how I feel when I’m immersed in any of the aforementioned activities/conversations with my buds.

And that would be my recommendation for you. Stop trying to imbue something romantic into a situation that appears completely platonic. It appears you have made a straight friend that knows you’re gay, realizes you think he’s attractive and he’s still ok with it. In fact, I would argue there is a part of him that probably likes having a friend that thinks he’s attractive.

But there is a precarity to the invisible line I believe you need to toe. If he is truly a good-looking man(and I don’t doubt he is) then he is likely also used to being admired a bit by both men and women. But casual admiration from a man is a far cry from being actively flirted with or even lightly pursued.

Sounds to me like you care about this guy. If you can quell those romantic feelings you might just be embarking on a really good friendship.

Great post here. I’ve been in relationships with men (the most important of which ended with him dying from cancer) and I’ve been seduced by women, which is how I basically confirmed I was gay.

A more recent guy I’ve spent five years travelling the world with, at first seemed like a romance of sorts. He eventually explained he didn’t see me that way, considered himself bi, and didn’t want a serious relationship either with a guy or a girl. But he respects me immensely, we laugh together, travel together, so I put aside the notion of a romantic relationship because I valued our friendship. It was slightly hard to do since I was attracted to him sexually too, but it would have been harder to walk away. I consider him a very good friend, he looks at me like something between a brother and a father... We are both better off with each other in our lives, but not in a romantic way. So that’s eventually the choice one makes.

Is a really solid supportive friendship better than someone you want to have sex with? Hell yes.