Chapter 3
Psy ops training kicks in.
I’m on a bed. Josh is…underneath me?
I’m in Josh’s arms. I’m on my left side, curled up on his body. I must have cried myself to sleep in his arms.
“You feeling better, Jim?” Josh asks, as he shifts his arms, as I sit up.
“No,” I croak, as I swing my feet onto the floor. And just sit there.
Silence envelops us.
Josh moves behind me, stretching his legs out to either side of me. He wraps his arms around me and slowly pulls me into a hug. My insides are churning.
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. Josh pulls me in, and I feel his caring and friendship wrap around me, settling me down, warming me from the inside out.
“Start at the beginning,” he says, quietly.
“Four score and twenty years ago,” I say, lamely. Fuck, even I know that was lame. I’m deflecting. Because the truth hurts so fucking much. I take a deep breath and tell Josh everything. And I mean, every…fucking… thing.
The texting with Lisa. The sexting with Lisa. The affair with Lisa. I go into detail on how it started. I talk about how my marriage started to suffer and me not seeing it. Then I tell him about Matt showing up at my front door. The blackmail. The blowjobs. The rim jobs. How scared I was. How turned on I was. The submission to him. Waiting naked for him on my knees. The orgasms. How good it felt. How natural it felt. The three way. How I came to grips with it. How I came to accept it. In only five days. How I looked forward to it. I tell him about the conversation I had with Charlotte about our marriage and the mistakes that were made. I tell him about the last failed attempt to have sex with Lisa. Matt’s photographic memory. How relieved I was that the affair was over. How much I was looking forward to sex with Charlotte and Matt. Then the sex I had with Paul.
I don’t leave a single detail out of any of the past three years. Tears start running down my face again. I tell Josh about Charlotte being pregnant. Lisa being pregnant. Matt running out of the house. The fight I had with all three of them. That Matt may be the father of Charlotte’s baby.
And I can’t go any further. I’m sobbing between my story telling and my voice hurts. And all through this, I’ve only felt caring and friendship from Josh. I slowly get myself back under control. I tap him on his arms and he releases me and scootches back a bit on the bed. I turn around and face him. Sitting cross legged, hanging my head down. Breathing deeply. Josh reaches out and places his hands on my knees, palms up.
I put my hands on top of his. And just squeeze. I squeeze like I am choking the life out of my problems. And Josh allows me to do that. Finally, I squeeze one last time, breathing in deeply and relax. Still holding his hands.
“Thank you,” I whisper to him.
“You’re welcome, Jim,” he says, gently squeezing my hands back.
“What do I do, Josh?” I ask, lifting my head and looking him in the eyes. “What do I do?”
“You do what needs to be done, James,” he says, softly but strongly.
“Which is what?” I ask, plaintively. “I’ve made so many bad decisions. What’s the right one?”
“It’s not about decisions, Jim,” he says, softly. “It’s about doing what needs to be done.”
“Which is what?” I ask, again. “There’s one, maybe two, children that are mine. How can I trust myself, if I am so easily manipulated? How can I trust Charlotte? How can I trust any of them? What do I tell others? People will think that Charlotte’s baby is mine and that Lisa’s baby is Paul’s. But that’s not the truth. Matt could be the father. I can’t abandon my responsibility to either of them.”
“You just answered your own question, Jim,” Josh says, softly, looking into my eyes. “Responsibility. But you are overlooking a few things, too.”
“What else am I overlooking?” I ask, running everything through my head.
“The responsibility isn’t all yours. You’re not in this alone. There’re other people involved. Charlotte. Lisa. Paul. Matt. I understand that you were hit with this and overwhelmed, and the argument erupted, and you left. That’s a very human thing to do. You can’t ignore what’s in front of you. All of you need to sit down and talk,” Josh says, gently squeezing my hands. “They, too, have responsibility.”
“I wasn’t hit with this, Josh,” I say, with some bitterness. “I was ambushed.”
“Ambushed?” he says with a quirky smile. “Did they knock you out and take you prisoner? Did they corner you and trap you?”
“No,” I say. “You know what I mean.”
“James,” he says softy, “if it all went down as you said, Lisa and Paul did it in the most non-threatening manner possible. They invited you to their home. They didn’t accuse you of anything. They made no threatening move, whatsoever. From what you said, it all started to go south with Matt burst in. Not that I am blaming Matt. Or anyone, for that matter. How else could they have told you?”
I nod my head as Josh talks to me. He is making sense.
“Yeah, but…” I say.
“There is no ‘but, Jim,” he says, with a smile.
“But, there…” I start to say.
“There is no ‘but,’ Jim,” Josh repeats, stronger. “You can’t make a responsible decision in the dark. You must talk to them. All of them.”
“It’s too painful, Josh,” I say. “I know if I sit down with them, especially Paul, there will be another fight. And it may not be just verbal.” Josh cocks his head at that.
“You’d attack Paul?” he asks, with concern.
“This all started with him, Josh,” I say, with a little heat. “Whatever happened to him, to affect him so, whatever that was, is what kicked this off. Ultimately, he is to blame.”
Josh looks at me, hard. I don’t like what he is about to say. I know I won’t.
“Okay,” he says, slowly, “let’s play ‘The Blame Game.”
“It’s not a…” I start to say, as Josh squeezes my hands.
“Stop,” he says, strongly and I do. I’m not going to argue with him. I asked him for help when I needed it most and felt lost. Hell, I am still lost. “Whatever happened to Paul, is what kicked this off. Let’s blame Paul. (I nod at his reasoning). Paul then talked with Lisa and explained whatever it was to her. Lisa, for whatever reason, agreed with Paul. So, now, let’s blame both of them. (Again, I nod at his reasoning). For whatever reason, they brought in Charlotte. So, now Charlotte knows and decides to help them. Let’s just blame Charlotte for the whole mess, because, honestly, she could have said ‘No,’ at any time, and stopped it from occurring. (I nod because that does make sense, too. All three are to blame). So really, it’s all her fault. (Wait, it’s not all Charlotte’s fault). Stop, Jim. Listen. So, now, really, its Charlotte’s fault, for trying to help her friends. (No, that doesn’t sound right). Don’t argue, James, listen. (I nod my head). Then we come to you: Mr. Upstanding. The good guy. Lisa starts texting you. So, really, let’s blame her only. (But). Listen, (hard hand squeeze) James. You say no, as a dutiful husband should. Then, with Charlotte’s help, the sexting begins. So, now, it’s back to being Charlotte’s fault. Because, without her help, they never would have known to do that. It never would have happened. (But) Stop, James,
listen to me. Suddenly, the sexting is taken up a notch by playing on your ego about your cock size. Right away, you said yes! There was no saying ‘no.’ You literally went over there to fuck Lisa. So, ultimately, really,
you’re to blame. Because you could have said no, at any time, and none of this would have happened. No affair. No ruined marriage. No babies. Well, maybe one baby, as the birth control was faulty. So, tell me, Captain Clinton, with all this information, who’s ultimately to blame?”
Fuck. Why did he have to frame it that way?
Because it’s the only way you’d listen to him, Jim. As if it was a psy ops mission.
You’re back! Where have you been?
Trying to get things under control in here. It’s a mess. Listen to his reasoning.
Sigh.
“I hear you, Josh,” I say, “I really do. But it’s hard to disconnect myself that way. I do feel responsible. I do. You’re absolutely right. All I had to say was ‘no.’ So, yes, I can accept my blame in this. And, you’re right, there is plenty of blame to go around. However, you can’t deny, this all started with Paul.”
“That sounds suspiciously like a ‘but’, Jim,” Josh says, with a bit of a smile. “It doesn’t matter where it started. It honestly doesn’t. You have to believe that. What matters is what was done. Do you agree that it all could have stopped with any one of you saying ‘no.”
“Yes,” I say, slowly nodding.
“Then leave it there,” Josh says. “Don’t create more headaches for yourself.”
“It doesn’t sit right, Josh,” I say, my chest knotting up.
“You’ve been on missions where things didn’t sit right, Jim,” Josh says. “You did what the mission required you to do. Do the same thing here.”
“I’ll try, Josh,” I sigh. “It’s going to be hard, though.”
“Of course, it will be,” Josh says. “I don’t want to make things more difficult, but there are other things you need to consider, too.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“Potential felony conviction charges,” he says, looking directly at me.
“For what??” I ask shocked. “I could lose rank for the affair but having an affair is not a felony crime.”
“Not you, Jim,” Josh says, earnestly. “Matt.”
“Matt? For wha…” I say, as it dawns on me. “The blackmail.”
“Correct,” Josh says, nodding his head.
“But...but…” I stammer, “out of everyone involved with this, he was the only honest one.”
“The honest one?” Josh repeats, dryly.
“Yes. He thought he was defending his father. He did what you and I or anyone else in our department would have done,” I say. “He took the information at hand and used it, to his advantage.”
“We have the cloak of governmental authority behind us, Jim,” Josh says. “It’s part of our job. He took that information and broke the law when he blackmailed you. This isn’t a porn, Jim. There could be consequences if anyone else found out.”
“The only one who knows it was blackmail, is you,” I say. “Plus, now that the ultimate truth has been revealed, there was no affair. The only one who didn’t know that was myself.”
“And Matt,” Josh says, looking at me. “It doesn’t matter that, ultimately, it was only you who thought that. Criminally, he used information that he got to blackmail you into being his fuck toy. To an outsider looking in, he broke the law.”
I sit there in silence, looking at Josh. I can’t get a read on him.
“What are you going to do?” I ask him, dreading the answer. Could, no, would Josh report Matt to the authorities? I can’t see him doing that. Not after he caught me half-naked in the map room.
“I am doing something about it, Jim,” he says, with a slow smile. “I’m telling you to take care of it. His journals. If he has that written down, in those journals, that could be used against him.”
“Oh, fuck,” I breathe out. I remember the conversation I had with myself about this very subject. But Matt went to UCLA with Charlotte, just after that, and Paul stayed at my place. I got distracted.
Okay, if that’s what you want to call that.
Shut the fuck up!
“Look, Jim,” Josh says, gently, “I don’t want to see anything bad happen to Matt, either. To be honest, I might have done the very same thing at his age, if I had the chance. Just talk to him and get this taken care of.”
“I will, Josh,” I say, relieved. “Is there anything else?”
“Yes,” he says. “One more thing, for now.”
“Such as?” I ask. For now, he says.
“Why not get an abortion?” he asks. “That would solve the problem in a couple of ways.”
“No,” I say, immediately, blanching. “No! That…that would be wrong. Murder.”
“Huh?” Josh says. I actually caught him off guard with that.
“Josh,” I say, slowly. “I’m Catholic. So is Charlotte. Actually, so are Paul and Lisa. And Matt. Life begins at conception. Abortion would be murder to us.”
“Are you sure Chalotte would agree with you?” Josh asks.
“Absolutely,” I say.
“I see,” Josh says, slowly. “I’m not going to argue your religious beliefs, Jim. Play it safe and talk to her about it. Make sure she is on the same page as you are. I only suggested it as an alternative.”
“I understand that Josh, and thank you for the suggestion,” I say, “but it’s not one that is acceptable. Isn’t abortion against your religion? I just realized that I don’t know if you are religious or agnostic.”
“Honestly,” he smiles ruefully, “as a gay man, abortion is one thing I’ve never had to worry about. As for my religious views, I’m actually a Druid.”
“Huh?” I say, intellectually. “Like from Dungeons & Dragons?”
“Yes, Jim,” he says, smiling. “I’m actually on a magical quest to find The Man That Is A Lie and the Catalyst.”
My brain breaks.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Josh,” I say, in a small voice, hunching down. “I don’t understand.”
Josh let’s go of my hands and reaches out to pull me into a hug. “No, Jim,” he says softly, “I’m sorry. I played into your confusion, when you were vulnerable, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, my friend.” He squeezes me one more time and let’s go. “Technically,” he says, holding my hands again, “I was raised Christian. But my true beliefs are that of a Druid. I can go into the long, sordid, history of it if you want.”
“No,” I say, quickly. Josh smiles at that. He was expecting it. “No, I’m good. I just can’t process at this point.”
“I understand,” he says, smiling. “So, are you feeling better?”
“Yes,” I say. Then sigh. “And no. It’s one thing to sit here and talk one on one to you about this. But when I get home, it’s still going to be raw.”
“Again, that’s just being human, Jim,” he says with care. “Can I ask you two very hard questions?”
“Of course,” I say, immediately. How can I say no to him?
“Do you still love Charlotte?” he asks, quietly.
FLASHBACK
I see her there, in the cafeteria at college, talking to her friends and laughing.
FLASHBACK
I am walking with her, in the rain, back to her place, after getting off the bus, from our date.
FLASHBACK
I am kissing her at our marriage ceremony.
IMAGINATION
I imagine her plotting with Lisa and Paul. Cackling with joy.
IMAGINATION
I imagine her, looking at me as I sleep, laughing at how easy it was to manipulate me.
IMAGINATION
I imagine her backstabbing me.
“I…I don’t know,” I say, softly, my chest in turmoil.
“That’s a yes, then,” he says, smiling.
“What?” I say, shaking the dottle from my brain. “How can you say that?”
“Again, Jim,” he says, smiling, “keep it simple. A yes would be a yes. A no would be a no. But an I don’t know, is a yes. Because you didn’t say no.”
“Or I could be heading that way, Josh,” I say.
“Are you?” he asks, looking into my eyes.
“What’s the second question?” I ask, avoiding his last one.
“Do you love Paul?” he asks. YES! NO! FUCKING BASTARD! “Wow, all of that flashed over your face, Jim. You need to sort it out. Without resorting to violence.”
“I’m sorry, Josh,” I say, breathing hard. All three of those reactions hit me in the gut.
“Don’t apologize, Jim,” Josh says, with care. “Such extreme reactions show there is something there. You can’t have one without the other.”
“Again, logically,” I say, “I see what you’re saying. But emotionally, it’s a wrecking ball.”
“And it’s going to be. C’mon, soldier,” he says, getting up off the bed, “let’s get you home.”
Home.
Just the sound of the word fills me with hope and dread. But I can’t stay here, hiding. I glance at the clock: 2:43 AM.
“How long was I asleep?” I ask Josh, getting off the bed myself, and going to get the suitcase.
“About an hour,” he says, coming up to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. Fuck, we talked a long time. Three years’ worth of confession’s takes a while to unload.
We head down the hall to the elevator and call for it. As the door opens, there is an employee there. He looks at us. I recognize him.
It’s Angel!
All three of us stare at each other.
Angel moving his head back and forth between Josh and myself. Us looking at Angel.
It’s not until the elevator door starts to close again, that we move.
“Jim! Josh!” Angel exclaims. “What are you two doing here?” Then I see the wheels turning in his head as he looks between the two of us.
“No,” both Josh and I say at the same time, laughing. God, that felt good. An honest laugh.
“We didn’t come here for a hook up, Angel,” Josh says, as he leans against the wall. I lean on the wall next to him, facing Angel. My suitcase beside me. The elevator door closes. I hit the button for the lobby.
Angel spreads his feet apart as his cock starts to grow down his left leg. He’s obviously not wearing underwear. And it clearly shows in his grey slacks. It’s obvious what’s on his mind.
“Remembering?” I smile at Angel. He keeps looking at me, but he does blush.
“I, uh, dream about it,” he says, taking his right hand placing it on the back of his head, embarrassed. “You’re the only one who’s ever been able to take me all the way, Jim. Cash and I talked a few times.”
“How is Cash?” Josh asks.
“He’s doing well,” Angel says. “Why are you guys here?”
“Jim’s place had a small water leak,” Josh says, as the doors open up to the lobby. “It was good to see you again, Angel.”
“It was good to see you two, too,” he says, as we all exit the elevator. He walks with us to the front desk. “I’ll check them out, Gloria,” he says to the woman at the desk. She smiles and heads to the back office. Angel goes through the checkout routine. “There you go, Jim.”
“There’s no charge?” I ask confused, looking at the bill.
“Consider it payback,” he says, with a smile.
“Thank you, Angel,” I say, as I grab my suitcase and head to the car with Josh. He actually parked next to me.
“Listen, Jim,” he says, turning to me, “you don’t need to come into the office today. I’ll let the major know that I authorized it. He may ask me why, though. What do you want me to say?”
Sigh.
“You might as well tell him that we’re pregnant,” I say, with resignation. “And that we’re processing. It’s going to come out, regardless. And it’s better if we control the narrative. I don’t know if Charlotte told Lisa and Paul that we’re pregnant. So that may come as a shock to Paul. You might as well talk to Paul, too, if you get the chance. Let him know what I told you. Keep the part out about Matt blackmailing me, though. Fuck, it’s like we’re back in elementary school, and you have to babysit us. I’m sorry, Josh. I didn’t mean to make your life more complicated.”
“Hey, at least I’m not dealing with the fallout from Karl, still. That’s the major for that one,” Josh laughs. “As long as we can keep things civil, we are good to go. No violence, Jim. I mean it. There’s too much at stake here.”
“Too much at stake?” I repeat. “What do you mean?”
“You two, outside of Major Rababbi, are the most senior officers in the office. You actually have been in the office longer than the major has. I don’t count as I just transferred in. We can’t have what’s going on with you two, affect the morale in the office and the mission we are currently working on. We have enough of that with Meyers company. People are going to notice you two aren’t as tight as you used to be. For now, we may be able to play it off as both of your families are pregnant at the same time. Keep it professional, Jim,” Josh says, looking at me.
“I will try,” I say, taking a deep breath. I reach out to hug him. Tight. “Thank you.”
“I’m here to help, Jim. Never forget that,” he says, hugging me just as tight. “Now, go home to your wife, soldier. She needs you.”
My wife.
“Yes, sir,” I say, with a smile. Then get into my car.
