Gay guys: having a "side" lover??

[Thom Hewson]

Hi .. I'd love to ask for some input and perspectives on having a sexual playmate "side" partner when you have a strong emotional attachment and a healthy sexual relationship with another man?

My situation is admittedly "complicated." I'm still married to my wife but our relationship disintegrated years ago. That's a whole other story, except to say she knows about my attractions and resents them, but she has a thus far treatable metastasized cancer and I don't think it's right to divorce . We have two grown sons, the younger graduated college recently and is working but still living with us which is fine, he has loans to pay off. The elder is married and lives out of town .

My "boyfriend" lover is also married to his wife. He lives 2 hours away. His mom is still living, she lives in a retirement community in my area, and just accepted an offer on her house also in my area where he and I have had a place to go and even a couple overnights. After that's gone soon we will still have a place to go but it's not like home.

We've grown together sexually, and are extremely compatible in so many ways I've never been with my wife. He's been seeing men much longer than I have , probably all furtive encounters. I think I'm his first enduring relationship.. 6 years now. We are both vers with one another. I'm the first man he let top him. I love having him in me and i love giving him sensations when topping him that nobody else has. I love letting him be completely his authentic self with me because he's otherwise so in the closet. He is extraordinarily sexually responsive but was fading after a bit... We thought for a brief time he'd benefit from Viagra but his attraction seems to have really bonded, now he can flip from top to bottom and still reboot before cumming ... I'm nothing but happy with him and at peace in his arms.. he's physically fit and while his face has aged he's still handsome. I just know his marriage isn't going anywhere...so I'm trying to make the best of things while I can .. it's like a limbo state of emotional attachment without the possibility now of commitment. We may never end up caring for each other in our old age or marrying but we enjoy being soulmates as long as we can.

My wrinkle is a guy I just can't quit. He is physically everything I dreamed of most all my life.. manly handsome , taller, built, and really well endowed. He's all top and when I'm with him I just melt and swoon .. he's such a passionate lover and a very nice guy, so there's a friend connection even though the relationship is overwhelmingly sexual. He loves to breed me and doze off cuddling together... sometimes staying inside me, sometimes rebooting for round 2.

I still can't make sense for myself now it is I just love submitting to him when my normal inclination is vers... but more usually one time top one bottom with my bf because that's what works for him. No displeasure or disappointment there, just saying that being all bottom is not necessarily my norm, it's just what I do because I just can't seem to quit wanting to be in the arms of my big strong daddy man. .

He has a lovely condo not far away, shared with an older woman who I think works for him. And oh yeah, he has a bf in FL, they are on flights every other week seeing each other. But his attraction to me hasn't waned.

I welcome any thoughts questions or comments, especially about loving someone but having a "side."

Adding a couple "side" photos for context.

 

[BlackBearCognac]

He has a wife, an elderly mother, a boyfriend in FL and you?

Wow, that's some impressive time management skills.

If you're comfortable being in an open polyamorous relationship, then it should be fine. Maybe one day you can accompany him to meet his FL boyfriend?

 

[Thom Hewson]

He has a wife, an elderly mother, a boyfriend in FL and you?

Wow, that's some impressive time management skills.

If you're comfortable being in an open polyamorous relationship, then it should be fine. Maybe one day you can accompany him to meet his FL boyfriend?

Sorry. I have a wife. *My* bf also has a wife. My side has the bf in FL.

All three of us have elderly parents, but my bf and my side daddy have siblings who carry most of the load for their moms. I'm stuck with a sister in Washington DC who thinks it's her job to call all the shots but I'm the one here doing most of the work and certainly the one dropping everything when it all hits the fan.

I wouldn't really have to go to FL to meet side daddy's bf because he's here reliably once a month. Wouldn't want to cause daddy any trouble though in case the bf got suspicious. Daddy is pretty chill about him but the bf (who looks a bit plump and queeny.. i doubt you'd put the two together as a couple if you didn't know) is always bragging on Facebook about "look at my hot bf." I think he knows he's batting out of his league.

Of all of us yeah I guess I'm juggling the most. So maybe I should give myself more credit for my time management. But none of us is really open. My bf and I are on the DL with the wives, and I suspect my side is on the DL about me to his bf. I think he's always been that way, because I knew his last bf (I met him before I met my guy) and he tried to catfish me to find out if I was sleeping with his guy. Sort of makes me wonder about all the hundreds of daddy's Facebook friends, how many know him as intimately too?

 

[BlackBearCognac]

Sorry. I have a wife. *My* bf also has a wife. My side has the bf in FL.

All three of us have elderly parents, but my bf and my side daddy have siblings who carry most of the load for their moms. I'm stuck with a sister in Washington DC who thinks it's her job to call all the shots but I'm the one here doing most of the work and certainly the one dropping everything when it all hits the fan.

I wouldn't really have to go to FL to meet side daddy's bf because he's here reliably once a month. Wouldn't want to cause daddy any trouble though in case the bf got suspicious. Daddy is pretty chill about him but the bf (who looks a bit plump and queeny.. i doubt you'd put the two together as a couple if you didn't know) is always bragging on Facebook about "look at my hot bf." I think he knows he's batting out of his league.

Of all of us yeah I guess I'm juggling the most. So maybe I should give myself more credit for my time management. But none of us is really open. My bf and I are on the DL with the wives, and I suspect my side is on the DL about me to his bf. I think he's always been that way, because I knew his last bf (I met him before I met my guy) and he tried to catfish me to find out if I was sleeping with his guy. Sort of makes me wonder about all the hundreds of daddy's Facebook friends, how many know him as intimately too?

Doh! I totally missed that. This makes sense now.

And yeah, all of the juggling seems to be exhausting but if you're happy I don't see the issue.

I won't comment on the DL stuff, though.

 

[Thom Hewson]

Doh! I totally missed that. This makes sense now.

And yeah, all of the juggling seems to be exhausting but if you're happy I don't see the issue.

I won't comment on the DL stuff, though.

@BlackBearCognac thx. I can only comment on my own situation. I don't necessarily like it, because I'm otherwise straightforward and honest , but the alternative is Goodbye, let's mess up everyone's lives. Over the years I made repeated attempts to show how much I was hurt by her my way or the highway attitude and inability to apologize. My son now calls her out for immature behavior unbecoming of a mother. She most definitely has an untreated psychological condition but you can't force someone into treatment. So experiencing some semblance of a healthy relationship (and I don't only mean that about intimacy) is my relief. I'm just a little vexed that my daddy buddy continues to have such a hold on my sexual attraction. Like every time I need to relieve myself, it's his kiss and big muscular body looming over me and his thick cock gliding inside and breeding me that I think about. Yet I know in every way how compatible I am with my bf as a partner and I'd marry or move in with him in a NY minute if I could.
Perplexing..

 

[BUNBEA]

This sounds complicated mate to be fair and defo something I could and would not eve consider doing.

Where do you find the tie and energy to do deal with all of this?

 

[Thom Hewson]

This sounds complicated mate to be fair and defo something I could and would not eve consider doing.

Where do you find the tie and energy to do deal with all of this?

My bf is a great relief. I feel a weightless sense of peace when I am with him because we understand and support each other in healthy and positive ways. The physical intimacy only adds to that. I concentrated for the longest time on affirming his sexuality which he hides in the rest of his life. To look at him you might not think he has such a virile libido. I think we're past that now. He's just Mike who is hotly attracted to his soulmate Gary, and I'm just Gary who has overcome the angst of years of religious guilt and sexual dysfunction to feel whole as a sexually active gay man at peace with his sexuality, even if his wife does not approve.

My question was really more around how is it that I can be happy with Mike but still desire Randy?

 

[halcyondays]

I currently top two guys who see me on the side. One is a gay college lad with a boyfriend. The other is the ex boyfriend of a twenty-something woman I still see. Late 20s he's engaged to his new girlfriend, sees me on the side, says he's going to stop but hasn't yet. Like you they are addicted to submitting. It's going on three years now. We hook up when schedules allow.

I don't have an SO but these lads have taken me as their Boomer lover.

 

[BUNBEA]

My bf is a great relief. I feel a weightless sense of peace when I am with him because we understand and support each other in healthy and positive ways. The physical intimacy only adds to that. I concentrated for the longest time on affirming his sexuality which he hides in the rest of his life. To look at him you might not think he has such a virile libido. I think we're past that now. He's just Mike who is hotly attracted to his soulmate Gary, and I'm just Gary who has overcome the angst of years of religious guilt and sexual dysfunction to feel whole as a sexually active gay man at peace with his sexuality, even if his wife does not approve.

My question was really more around how is it that I can be happy with Mike but still desire Randy?

Oh ok mate

 

[nhguy78]

I currently top two guys who see me on the side. One is a gay college lad with a boyfriend. The other is the ex boyfriend of a twenty-something woman I still see. Late 20s he's engaged to his new girlfriend, sees me on the side, says he's going to stop but hasn't yet. Like you they are addicted to submitting. It's going on three years now. We hook up when schedules allow.

I don't have an SO but these lads have taken me as their Boomer lover.

Boomer lover. I remember fondly when I was single, I'd see an older gentleman I'd go see. We connected over music and drum corps. So sensual and also dominant. Little d dominant, not big D Dominant. Lovely.

 

[sheerq]

Hi .. I'd love to ask for some input and perspectives on having a sexual playmate "side" partner when you have a strong emotional attachment and a healthy sexual relationship with another man?

My situation is admittedly "complicated." I'm still married to my wife but our relationship disintegrated years ago. That's a whole other story, except to say she knows about my attractions and resents them, but she has a thus far treatable metastasized cancer and I don't think it's right to divorce . We have two grown sons, the younger graduated college recently and is working but still living with us which is fine, he has loans to pay off. The elder is married and lives out of town .

My "boyfriend" lover is also married to his wife. He lives 2 hours away. His mom is still living, she lives in a retirement community in my area, and just accepted an offer on her house also in my area where he and I have had a place to go and even a couple overnights. After that's gone soon we will still have a place to go but it's not like home.

We've grown together sexually, and are extremely compatible in so many ways I've never been with my wife. He's been seeing men much longer than I have , probably all furtive encounters. I think I'm his first enduring relationship.. 6 years now. We are both vers with one another. I'm the first man he let top him. I love having him in me and i love giving him sensations when topping him that nobody else has. I love letting him be completely his authentic self with me because he's otherwise so in the closet. He is extraordinarily sexually responsive but was fading after a bit... We thought for a brief time he'd benefit from Viagra but his attraction seems to have really bonded, now he can flip from top to bottom and still reboot before cumming ... I'm nothing but happy with him and at peace in his arms.. he's physically fit and while his face has aged he's still handsome. I just know his marriage isn't going anywhere...so I'm trying to make the best of things while I can .. it's like a limbo state of emotional attachment without the possibility now of commitment. We may never end up caring for each other in our old age or marrying but we enjoy being soulmates as long as we can.

My wrinkle is a guy I just can't quit. He is physically everything I dreamed of most all my life.. manly handsome , taller, built, and really well endowed. He's all top and when I'm with him I just melt and swoon .. he's such a passionate lover and a very nice guy, so there's a friend connection even though the relationship is overwhelmingly sexual. He loves to breed me and doze off cuddling together... sometimes staying inside me, sometimes rebooting for round 2.

I still can't make sense for myself now it is I just love submitting to him when my normal inclination is vers... but more usually one time top one bottom with my bf because that's what works for him. No displeasure or disappointment there, just saying that being all bottom is not necessarily my norm, it's just what I do because I just can't seem to quit wanting to be in the arms of my big strong daddy man. .

He has a lovely condo not far away, shared with an older woman who I think works for him. And oh yeah, he has a bf in FL, they are on flights every other week seeing each other. But his attraction to me hasn't waned.

I welcome any thoughts questions or comments, especially about loving someone but having a "side."

Adding a couple "side" photos for context.

Unless you have an understanding with your bf, you are a cheater. There are probably worse things to be called, but you are what you are.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hi .. I'd love to ask for some input and perspectives on having a sexual playmate "side" partner when you have a strong emotional attachment and a healthy sexual relationship with another man?

My situation is admittedly "complicated." I'm still married to my wife but our relationship disintegrated years ago. That's a whole other story, except to say she knows about my attractions and resents them, but she has a thus far treatable metastasized cancer and I don't think it's right to divorce . We have two grown sons, the younger graduated college recently and is working but still living with us which is fine, he has loans to pay off. The elder is married and lives out of town .

My "boyfriend" lover is also married to his wife. He lives 2 hours away. His mom is still living, she lives in a retirement community in my area, and just accepted an offer on her house also in my area where he and I have had a place to go and even a couple overnights. After that's gone soon we will still have a place to go but it's not like home.

We've grown together sexually, and are extremely compatible in so many ways I've never been with my wife. He's been seeing men much longer than I have , probably all furtive encounters. I think I'm his first enduring relationship.. 6 years now. We are both vers with one another. I'm the first man he let top him. I love having him in me and i love giving him sensations when topping him that nobody else has. I love letting him be completely his authentic self with me because he's otherwise so in the closet. He is extraordinarily sexually responsive but was fading after a bit... We thought for a brief time he'd benefit from Viagra but his attraction seems to have really bonded, now he can flip from top to bottom and still reboot before cumming ... I'm nothing but happy with him and at peace in his arms.. he's physically fit and while his face has aged he's still handsome. I just know his marriage isn't going anywhere...so I'm trying to make the best of things while I can .. it's like a limbo state of emotional attachment without the possibility now of commitment. We may never end up caring for each other in our old age or marrying but we enjoy being soulmates as long as we can.

My wrinkle is a guy I just can't quit. He is physically everything I dreamed of most all my life.. manly handsome , taller, built, and really well endowed. He's all top and when I'm with him I just melt and swoon .. he's such a passionate lover and a very nice guy, so there's a friend connection even though the relationship is overwhelmingly sexual. He loves to breed me and doze off cuddling together... sometimes staying inside me, sometimes rebooting for round 2.

I still can't make sense for myself now it is I just love submitting to him when my normal inclination is vers... but more usually one time top one bottom with my bf because that's what works for him. No displeasure or disappointment there, just saying that being all bottom is not necessarily my norm, it's just what I do because I just can't seem to quit wanting to be in the arms of my big strong daddy man. .

He has a lovely condo not far away, shared with an older woman who I think works for him. And oh yeah, he has a bf in FL, they are on flights every other week seeing each other. But his attraction to me hasn't waned.

I welcome any thoughts questions or comments, especially about loving someone but having a "side."

Adding a couple "side" photos for context.

If you have any doubts about cheating on your wife, you should go to a marriage counselor and explain your situation. Maybe they can reconcile your feelings.

Alternatively, you can come up with a way with your counselor to open up your relationship to other possibilities. And to present them to your wife in a respectful manner. Since your relationship with your wife disintegrated, and I imagine she is not meeting your sexual needs. Then it's not unreasonable to consider looking elsewhere.

 

[Thom Hewson]

If you have any doubts about cheating on your wife, you should go to a marriage counselor and explain your situation. Maybe they can reconcile your feelings.

Alternatively, you can come up with a way with your counselor to open up your relationship to other possibilities. And to present them to your wife in a respectful manner. Since your relationship with your wife disintegrated, and I imagine she is not meeting your sexual needs. Then it's not unreasonable to consider looking elsewhere.

Thank you @elklindoxxx . Actually my question was not about my wife or "cheating." It was that having accepted my sexuality (in the context of a disintegrated marriage) and having met another vers man with whom I am content and feel fulfilled sexually plus we have a positive healthy personal relationship (which just brings peace to my soul), does anyone else have similar experience still desiring another casual partner who's different sexually?

There is no real prospect my boyfriend and I will end up together.. while my wife is chronically and seriously ill, his isn't, and he has no intention of leaving his marriage.

Thanks.

 

[uwsmike]

I'm going to also go with "where do you find the time?"
Juggling everyone seems exhausting.
Plus all the lying about where you've been and who you've been with.
Are you ever worried you'll slip up?
Do you ever see either of these guys outside of hooking up--like do you ever go to dinner or a movie with them?

 

[Thom Hewson]

I'm going to also go with "where do you find the time?"
Juggling everyone seems exhausting.
Plus all the lying about where you've been and who you've been with.
Are you ever worried you'll slip up?
Do you ever see either of these guys outside of hooking up--like do you ever go to dinner or a movie with them?

in truth it's only two. really mostly one. the top daddy buddy has always been fuckdates for a couple hours at his condo when our schedules align. we've talked about going out for a beer, but nothing else. His rather oddly queenish bf is here once a month and very well integrated into his family and circle of friends. I think they know my buddy well enough to raise an eyebrow about suddenly palling around with someone else.

my bf is another story, we embrace any opportunity to socialize and be together in non sexual ways. I've spent a lot of time helping him clear out his mom's house, twice now he drove 800 miles each way to visit with me in my home town in upstate NY when i was visiting with my folks. I even took him out to dinner with my parents, and to one night of my college reunion. we've gone to movies, a couple plays, some concerts, yeah it's the real deal.

yes there is always a strain on my creativity to forge a way out of the house to be together. i do not like the lying, i just try to avoid having to explain too much as much as possible. my last job had opened up some nice opportunities (extra hotel nights on the tail end of local meetings), while the overnights will likely not continue, i think there will be plenty of opportunity for evenings together, and my college reunions aren't going anywhere, so hopefully we can have other trips and overnights together even if they are only a few times a year.

 

[integritymatters]

I've had side lovers myself, but they were all long distance, except for 1.
I'm polyamorous but chose to recently go back to monogamy because the poly relationships never worked out and I felt defeated.
My boyfriend and I have been dating so long, that I forget if I even mentioned me being poly to him at all - so if I did, neither of us probably remember (he works all the time, and we only get to talk every 2 to 3 weeks, due to his finance job and the time difference) and I'm starting a new job myself.
Plus, with him living in Asia (he's moving to the States) and me in America, it's been hard, but we're managing to make time for each other.
He's been wonderful - but from time to time, I have tempting thoughts of being poly again; I end up resisting the urge every time, but what should I do when I have another urge to go back to polyamory?

 

[bravesoldier]

Hi .. I'd love to ask for some input and perspectives on having a sexual playmate "side" partner when you have a strong emotional attachment and a healthy sexual relationship with another man?

My situation is admittedly "complicated." I'm still married to my wife but our relationship disintegrated years ago. That's a whole other story, except to say she knows about my attractions and resents them, but she has a thus far treatable metastasized cancer and I don't think it's right to divorce . We have two grown sons, the younger graduated college recently and is working but still living with us which is fine, he has loans to pay off. The elder is married and lives out of town .

My "boyfriend" lover is also married to his wife. He lives 2 hours away. His mom is still living, she lives in a retirement community in my area, and just accepted an offer on her house also in my area where he and I have had a place to go and even a couple overnights. After that's gone soon we will still have a place to go but it's not like home.

We've grown together sexually, and are extremely compatible in so many ways I've never been with my wife. He's been seeing men much longer than I have , probably all furtive encounters. I think I'm his first enduring relationship.. 6 years now. We are both vers with one another. I'm the first man he let top him. I love having him in me and i love giving him sensations when topping him that nobody else has. I love letting him be completely his authentic self with me because he's otherwise so in the closet. He is extraordinarily sexually responsive but was fading after a bit... We thought for a brief time he'd benefit from Viagra but his attraction seems to have really bonded, now he can flip from top to bottom and still reboot before cumming ... I'm nothing but happy with him and at peace in his arms.. he's physically fit and while his face has aged he's still handsome. I just know his marriage isn't going anywhere...so I'm trying to make the best of things while I can .. it's like a limbo state of emotional attachment without the possibility now of commitment. We may never end up caring for each other in our old age or marrying but we enjoy being soulmates as long as we can.

My wrinkle is a guy I just can't quit. He is physically everything I dreamed of most all my life.. manly handsome , taller, built, and really well endowed. He's all top and when I'm with him I just melt and swoon .. he's such a passionate lover and a very nice guy, so there's a friend connection even though the relationship is overwhelmingly sexual. He loves to breed me and doze off cuddling together... sometimes staying inside me, sometimes rebooting for round 2.

I still can't make sense for myself now it is I just love submitting to him when my normal inclination is vers... but more usually one time top one bottom with my bf because that's what works for him. No displeasure or disappointment there, just saying that being all bottom is not necessarily my norm, it's just what I do because I just can't seem to quit wanting to be in the arms of my big strong daddy man. .

He has a lovely condo not far away, shared with an older woman who I think works for him. And oh yeah, he has a bf in FL, they are on flights every other week seeing each other. But his attraction to me hasn't waned.

I welcome any thoughts questions or comments, especially about loving someone but having a "side."

Adding a couple "side" photos for context.

Absolute beauty he is.

 

[8Cylinder]

I think far too much time and energy is spent in trying to define and force fit most gay or bi relationships into long established alternate norms. We men are built to spread as much seed around as possible at an undeniably DNA level. It manifests, of course, in different levels of health and need for every individual. Consider past kings or sultans, and their very many wives, and eunuchs for when none of the women pleased them at the moment (eunuchs for those who may not be familiar were young men castrated to remain young looking for the sole purpose of anal sex for their benefactor). Today there are some relationships where "cheating" is not present, but unfortunately today those are more the exception than the rule it seems. Fidelity is great, I've just found I'm fighting a massive tidal wave of other thought and partners have always "cheated".

I currently have a much younger "bf" that I see only once per month due to his living 3.5 hours away. He looks around, I look around, and we agree it's necessary. We're going together to Spain on vacation and he wants to experience freedom to look around and hook up... which is entirely fair. At my age I've had many many more partners than he, and it's unfair to tell him he cannot experience the same. This has removed stress and tension between us and we go together to nude beaches in the summer, and on adverntures. It's now going on six years. He went to Spain to spend 10 days with a guy he likes that's in a long term relationship, but is ill, and all is out in the open. I met the guy when he was in Rome and we like each other.

Would I like a perm monogamous relationship with him? Yes. Do I need it if he does not want that? No. We have a long-term relationship based on trust, love and exceptional sex. I truly believe that the most effective relationships can only be had with abject freedom and honesty. That honesty and freedom leads your partner desiring the asset that you are in his life. Restrictions and rules, control lead to breakdown of esteem and "cheating".

 

[i-feel-fantastic]

I know it’s partially because I’m young and not ready for marriage yet, but I really don’t understand why so many people stay in relationships where they’re deeply unhappy. You sound burnt out and exhausted.

 

[030699]

I agree with i-feel-fantastic, it is though you are living as someone free and able to not be in relationships, not tied down. Maybe just to make it simpler the marriage with your wife could just be dissolved? You could move to your wife being someone you have a relationship with because of the kids, maybe you can even split amicably and maintain a friendship. What you seem to need is the freedom to live your life without questioning yourself - after all you are asking for input here.

But, no one here has the right to judge you. Whatever you do that makes you happy and fulfills your life is perfectly valid. This is about you feeling ok with yourself. Do you need to tell everyone what's going on? Are you happy living the double life? If so that's absolutely fine, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

What is best for you and the people around you? That should be your first concern.