Hey guys, need some opinions here. I have a friend - let's call him Jake - who is really an amazing guy. He's funny, smart, kind, generous, and just an all around great guy. He's a really genuine person, and everyone I know likes him a lot, and he's become a really close friend of mine.
Here's the issue: Jake was married previously, and his ex-husband was incredibly abusive. He would constantly do anything he could to destroy Jake's self-esteem, constantly calling him names and telling him "no one will ever love you for anything other than the way you look (he's very handsome)" which is the meanest thing I can imagine. He also stole money from Jake, hit Jake, and when Jake finally left, basically took all their joint property by threatening to go to court and destroy his reputation. They separated a couple of years ago, but their divorce isn't final, since his ex needs to remain married in order to get his green card. When I ask Jake why he would still help someone who treated him so horribly, he says "I gave him my word that I would get his green card. His behavior doesn't determine mine - if I make a promise, I keep it." I told him that no one would fault him for just divorcing him now, but he refuses to even discuss it, he always says "if a man only keeps his word when it's easy, then his word doesn't mean a goddamn thing."
While I think this is admirable, it's still really obvious that Jake carries a lot of scars from years of being told that he's worthless and stupid, and it shows. He has a new boyfriend who he's crazy about and who treats him really well, but in private he tells me that he's so worried that his boyfriend will figure out he's a loser and leave him. He also worries a lot that his boyfriend is bothered by him still being legally married to his ex, and even though he's explained the situation, Jake thinks he might secretly have a problem. He's also worried that he's much uglier than his boyfriend (they look almost identical), and that he doesn't make enough money (he's pretty successful).
I try and reassure him it's not true, but I can see that he doesn't believe me. How do I make him see his value? He's so deeply in love with this new man, and I'm so happy for him, but I worry that years of abuse will destroy everything he's working to build. Does anyone have any experience in these types of situations? And before anyone says it - no, I am not interested in dating him. I just really care about my friend and I hate to see him suffering like this. I know that he's tried therapy and it didn't help much, it seems like years of being constantly berated and abused have really permanently damaged his self-image. Any help/ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Here's the issue: Jake was married previously, and his ex-husband was incredibly abusive. He would constantly do anything he could to destroy Jake's self-esteem, constantly calling him names and telling him "no one will ever love you for anything other than the way you look (he's very handsome)" which is the meanest thing I can imagine. He also stole money from Jake, hit Jake, and when Jake finally left, basically took all their joint property by threatening to go to court and destroy his reputation. They separated a couple of years ago, but their divorce isn't final, since his ex needs to remain married in order to get his green card. When I ask Jake why he would still help someone who treated him so horribly, he says "I gave him my word that I would get his green card. His behavior doesn't determine mine - if I make a promise, I keep it." I told him that no one would fault him for just divorcing him now, but he refuses to even discuss it, he always says "if a man only keeps his word when it's easy, then his word doesn't mean a goddamn thing."
While I think this is admirable, it's still really obvious that Jake carries a lot of scars from years of being told that he's worthless and stupid, and it shows. He has a new boyfriend who he's crazy about and who treats him really well, but in private he tells me that he's so worried that his boyfriend will figure out he's a loser and leave him. He also worries a lot that his boyfriend is bothered by him still being legally married to his ex, and even though he's explained the situation, Jake thinks he might secretly have a problem. He's also worried that he's much uglier than his boyfriend (they look almost identical), and that he doesn't make enough money (he's pretty successful).
I try and reassure him it's not true, but I can see that he doesn't believe me. How do I make him see his value? He's so deeply in love with this new man, and I'm so happy for him, but I worry that years of abuse will destroy everything he's working to build. Does anyone have any experience in these types of situations? And before anyone says it - no, I am not interested in dating him. I just really care about my friend and I hate to see him suffering like this. I know that he's tried therapy and it didn't help much, it seems like years of being constantly berated and abused have really permanently damaged his self-image. Any help/ideas would be greatly appreciated.
