Gay, 40+ Hung and Black! Let's TALK

[deleted955030]

Howdies. I'm 32, an Army vet, came out to my 2 friends in HS, have had 3 boyfriends (none were black) and even married a white guy at 23 both while active duty, and have been pretty thin much of my life, so I innerstand I have had many privileges. That stated, sexual abuse and introduction to porn early in life, an uber religious family (bible belt) with whom I no longer associate, a household full of scorned black women, and being rejected by black peers because I never embodied thug or sport culture heavily altered my younger perceptions. So, body issues galore. Wasn't until my mid 20s I realized my penis size was bigger than average. Early physical abuse damaged my jaw; would need reconstructive jaw surgery to prevent issues later in life. Military time resulted in multiple injuries to include stage 3 and 4 spinal degeneration, so coupled with my body type, being thin and somewhat fit is the best realistic expectation I can hope. Black guys rarely associated with let alone dated me. In fact, I have no close black male friend or family to date. So, eventually I hated black men, thus myself more, and dealt with issues with men from other races, most notably white men. My late husband - widowed at 28 during out separation, for instance, had the audacity at my 24th birthday, housewarming, and going away for deployment party to unzip my pants, pull my dick out in front of another mixed gay couple, and say, "look at what I got." Taken aback is an understatement. Between him and previous experiences with white men wanting me for my dick, I pretty much swore off dating them after he passed. And whereas I do not hate black men, and even more recently some have shown sexual interest, between the after effects of multiple traumas throughout my life, the development of my sexuality (demisexual, sapiosexual, verse, switch, tantric, etc.), and what I would want in a relationship, I may as well just remain single. Due to earlier traumas, I have almost never orgasmed in penetrative sex regardless of roles. To be truthful, I'd much rather get nude lap dances at a gay nude gentleman establishment than have casual sex. Despite this, other stuff, and not necessarily having healed from a lot of stuff, I have always been able to press forward, so my mental, emotional, and physical states are decent at least.

 

[asun]

Howdies. I'm 32, an Army vet, came out to my 2 friends in HS, have had 3 boyfriends (none were black) and even married a white guy at 23 both while active duty, and have been pretty thin much of my life, so I innerstand I have had many privileges. That stated, sexual abuse and introduction to porn early in life, an uber religious family (bible belt) with whom I no longer associate, a household full of scorned black women, and being rejected by black peers because I never embodied thug or sport culture heavily altered my younger perceptions. So, body issues galore. Wasn't until my mid 20s I realized my penis size was bigger than average. Early physical abuse damaged my jaw; would need reconstructive jaw surgery to prevent issues later in life. Military time resulted in multiple injuries to include stage 3 and 4 spinal degeneration, so coupled with my body type, being thin and somewhat fit is the best realistic expectation I can hope. Black guys rarely associated with let alone dated me. In fact, I have no close black male friend or family to date. So, eventually I hated black men, thus myself more, and dealt with issues with men from other races, most notably white men. My late husband - widowed at 28 during out separation, for instance, had the audacity at my 24th birthday, housewarming, and going away for deployment party to unzip my pants, pull my dick out in front of another mixed gay couple, and say, "look at what I got." Taken aback is an understatement. Between him and previous experiences with white men wanting me for my dick, I pretty much swore off dating them after he passed. And whereas I do not hate black men, and even more recently some have shown sexual interest, between the after effects of multiple traumas throughout my life, the development of my sexuality (demisexual, sapiosexual, verse, switch, tantric, etc.), and what I would want in a relationship, I may as well just remain single. Due to earlier traumas, I have almost never orgasmed in penetrative sex regardless of roles. To be truthful, I'd much rather get nude lap dances at a gay nude gentleman establishment than have casual sex. Despite this, other stuff, and not necessarily having healed from a lot of stuff, I have always been able to press forward, so my mental, emotional, and physical states are decent at least.

Hello, you have my sincere friendship. I am writing to you from Spain. My email is rmpegasusatlantis780@gmail.com A hug Roger

 

[TDJ6]

Howdies. I'm 32, an Army vet, came out to my 2 friends in HS, have had 3 boyfriends (none were black) and even married a white guy at 23 both while active duty, and have been pretty thin much of my life, so I innerstand I have had many privileges. That stated, sexual abuse and introduction to porn early in life, an uber religious family (bible belt) with whom I no longer associate, a household full of scorned black women, and being rejected by black peers because I never embodied thug or sport culture heavily altered my younger perceptions. So, body issues galore. Wasn't until my mid 20s I realized my penis size was bigger than average. Early physical abuse damaged my jaw; would need reconstructive jaw surgery to prevent issues later in life. Military time resulted in multiple injuries to include stage 3 and 4 spinal degeneration, so coupled with my body type, being thin and somewhat fit is the best realistic expectation I can hope. Black guys rarely associated with let alone dated me. In fact, I have no close black male friend or family to date. So, eventually I hated black men, thus myself more, and dealt with issues with men from other races, most notably white men. My late husband - widowed at 28 during out separation, for instance, had the audacity at my 24th birthday, housewarming, and going away for deployment party to unzip my pants, pull my dick out in front of another mixed gay couple, and say, "look at what I got." Taken aback is an understatement. Between him and previous experiences with white men wanting me for my dick, I pretty much swore off dating them after he passed. And whereas I do not hate black men, and even more recently some have shown sexual interest, between the after effects of multiple traumas throughout my life, the development of my sexuality (demisexual, sapiosexual, verse, switch, tantric, etc.), and what I would want in a relationship, I may as well just remain single. Due to earlier traumas, I have almost never orgasmed in penetrative sex regardless of roles. To be truthful, I'd much rather get nude lap dances at a gay nude gentleman establishment than have casual sex. Despite this, other stuff, and not necessarily having healed from a lot of stuff, I have always been able to press forward, so my mental, emotional, and physical states are decent at least.

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

 

[TDJ6]

Discussion:

Do you find that other black gay men are really judgmental?
I have had a few gay friends in the past, but when I talk about having sex with a white man they constantly judge that. Also when I talk to other guys online, some of the things I like to do sexually they judge that as well. And overall, I find on social media that black gays are the MOST judgmental.
And it's really weird because I feel like behind closed doors, they are into the stuff they SHADE... but they feel like they can't publicly admit it for whatever reason.

OFCOURSE I'm not talking about ALL Gay black men... but in general this seems to be the case in my experience.

I also feel this weird judgmental attitude from black gays that date white men. Maybe it's like a competitive aspect, but I've definitely been around those types and they seem to be judging me as well.

 

[emmyfan]

I do hear what you are saying and sometimes I do not feel accepted by black gay men. I am a very oral guy and some black gay men what me to be the raging top and don't want just oral. I also like like the leather scene and some black gay men will find that odd or strange.

 

[Billfromaccounting]

I don’t know if this on topic specifically but I’m Black and been with my partner, who’s white, for almost 20 years. We love eachother and all but sometimes I just need to be in a totally safe space with Black queer people exclusively. No shade to him or anyone else but sometimes I just don’t feel like explaining shit. Chile, we watched the BET awards and I had to explain who most of the people were.

 

[igotthebigone]

a topic that really should be discussed,I can relate to most of what’s been said. I’ve been through a lot and reading this is almost like therapy for me.
thanks

 

[TDJ6]

I don’t know if this on topic specifically but I’m Black and been with my partner, who’s white, for almost 20 years. We love eachother and all but sometimes I just need to be in a totally safe space with Black queer people exclusively. No shade to him or anyone else but sometimes I just don’t feel like explaining shit. Chile, we watched the BET awards and I had to explain who most of the people were.

congrats on 20 years!
i wonder if he has similar feels... like sometimes he needs to just get out and listen to some good edm and talk about avocado toast!? (i'm just kidding, please don't take offense)

 

[TDJ6]

I do hear what you are saying and sometimes I do not feel accepted by black gay men. I am a very oral guy and some black gay men what me to be the raging top and don't want just oral. I also like like the leather scene and some black gay men will find that odd or strange.

it's funny because there have been times where i felt like the leather community was the most welcoming to me. that leather is expensive though lol!!

 

[JCEO]

I don’t know if this on topic specifically but I’m Black and been with my partner, who’s white, for almost 20 years. We love eachother and all but sometimes I just need to be in a totally safe space with Black queer people exclusively. No shade to him or anyone else but sometimes I just don’t feel like explaining shit. Chile, we watched the BET awards and I had to explain who most of the people were.

I'm just curious, in the last 20 years of your relationship how often does the topic of race come up If at all? Do you guys support each other's views on race? And one more question if I may, do you guy's families get along with each other?

 

[Billfromaccounting]

I'm just curious, in the last 20 years of your relationship how often does the topic of race come up If at all? Do you guys support each other's views on race? And one more question if I may, do you guy's families get along with each other?

Heyyyy, race comes up. Not every day but often but I will say it took some time for him to even understand there are different nuances of racism and micro aggressions we/I face as a Black man. Once he understood that basic and with ongoing conversations with me and friends he’s good. Yes, I did have to explain that Tyrese was an R&B singer before he was in Transfomers but that’s a small detail. Our families get along well with each other although they live on opposite sides of the country. They always speak highly of eachother and always ask about eachother.

 

[TDJ6]

HEY REAL QUICK!!
I think we should start making an effort to LIKE pics of black men in the various pic/vid threads.

 

[Billfromaccounting]

HEY REAL QUICK!!
I think we should start making an effort to LIKE pics of black men in the various pic/vid threads.

Agreed

 

[Faunus]

BUMP! I agree with the comment/observation of liking and hearting pics of fellow black men that are in the threads. I wanted to introduce myself to this thread...let's talk about it.

It was brought up in conversation by my husband, who is also a member of LPSG, he introduced me to this website (haha); he found this thread by way of observing some relationship threads and thought I might like to chat/connect with guys who are contemporaries to me and this human experience- let's talk about it.

I'm gay and have known I was gay since I can remember. I came out to my parents when I was young- and we didn't speak civilly or familially for almost a year. I'm also mixed ethnicity, and identify as "black", "black/mixed", and-gasp-"American"! (Who remembers that cringey question, "what are you?") - let's talk about it.

I've "dated" and been in "relationships" primarily with guys who would most likely identify as white, and have been with men who identify as white and/or BIPOC. - let's talk about it.

I'm married to a wonderful man who identifies as bisexual, and white- we met over 20 years ago- I was 18/19 and he, 22/23; we reunited many years later, and then got married. (3 years this past Loving Day).. let's talk about it. ( Here's a book that we have on our bookshelf: the name of it is, '
Beyond Loving: Intimate Racework in Lesbian, Gay, and Straight Interracial Relationships', by
Amy C. Steinbugler.)

I remember fondly (and I say fondly with a curl and a sneer) that the cultural and sociosexual politics of the 80's, 90's, and 00's- had/have been for men who identify as black, and gay challenging, exhausting, and then some. - let's talk about it.

I didn't grow up with a black habitus, even though at least half of my family is black; so I find myself still trying to "learn the language" and navigate; where I grew up, the black population was less than 4% on a good census year, and I didn't grow up close with that part of my family; and it clearly shows in the way I move through the world (with my intersectional identity)... let's talk about it.

Micoraggressions and macroaggressions- sometimes I feel like Keanu Reeve's character Neo in that shootout with the agent Mr. Smith (?) lol- let's talk about it.

I hope to engage with y'all and get some feedback, questions asked and questions answered. I agree that a safe space for us is a good thing, and I will endeavor to check in at least once a week to say hello/ reply to messages/thoughts and questions asked/answered. - let's talk about it.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

I look forward to some of the topics you will bring up. I have a few threads on here that address the fetishism of black men and while it's open to all, it's also a place to share experiences and educate those that may not know that it's problematic. There have been a few that wanted to pushback on it because they more than likely engaged in that type of fetishism and wanted to make it something that isn't so bad. Below are some of the threads I've created.

Where is the representation for black "Daddies" in porn etc?

"bbc", "mandingo", Is It Racial Fetishization Of Black Men?

 

[TDJ6]

welcome @Faunus and @HOU_HEADHUNTER
I need to post here more consistently...
maybe have a topic of the week? but I'm glad more people are joining and introducing themselves.

and speaking on fetishization of black men... that's one of the hardest things for US i think in trying to date. I DO enjoy white men, but often times they just want the one thing. I actually met this dude on TINDR and he met up for a legit date... the date seemed fine, and the funny thing was during the date we were making plans to do other stuff. After the movie, I dropped him off to his place he invited me in... we fucked... and he COMPLETELY ghosted me. and I know this can happen between other races, so I'm not specifically blaming it on "he just wanted a black dick fantasy fulfilled and he was done" ... but because I've often felt used in that way, I can't help but relate past experiences to that experience.

... but also, I can't lie... I sometimes let myself get fetishized. When i'm feeling lonely, sad, I know that in certain spaces I can show my dick and get loads of attention for it. So yeah it's a tricky thing right.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

... but also, I can't lie... I sometimes let myself get fetishized. When i'm feeling lonely, sad, I know that in certain spaces I can show my dick and get loads of attention for it. So yeah it's a tricky thing right.

I think a lot of black men fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be fetishized. I think that is why it persists. I've had white guys tell me that the black guys they date or sleep with tell them that they prefer white men so their fetishism isn't seen as a problem to the guys they are seeing. The irony is that a lot of white women who date black men in the straight world will also be quick to say that the black men they date claim to have a preference for non-black. It may not always be true but when a guy is horny he is likely to tell his/her partner whatever he thinks will flatter them. I've had white guys tell me they are only attracted to black guys and it's a turn off to me. I automatically think they have a fetish.

Question. Do you think that perhaps a lot of black guys might have a fetish for non-black men the way that so many non-black men have a fetish for us?

 

[Billfromaccounting]

I think a lot of black men fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be fetishized. I think that is why it persists. I've had white guys tell me that the black guys they date or sleep with tell them that they prefer white men so their fetishism isn't seen as a problem to the guys they are seeing. The irony is that a lot of white women who date black men in the straight world will also be quick to say that the black men they date claim to have a preference for non-black. It may not always be true but when a guy is horny he is likely to tell his/her partner whatever he thinks will flatter them. I've had white guys tell me they are only attracted to black guys and it's a turn off to me. I automatically think they have a fetish.

Question. Do you think that perhaps a lot of black guys might have a fetish for non-black men the way that so many non-black men have a fetish for us?

I do and I don’t know why, but it irks me. I just have a problem with people trivializing race and racism-I know I’m being sooooo extra and toooo serious but that’s just where I am. For transparency I’m a Black man in a relationship with my white partner and we’ve been together for over a decade. I remember joking with my friends before saying that I’m kind of a hoe because I’ll donate anyone from any race- I like men- all shades and colors. Dick is dick but I happen to be in love with a white man (2 if you count Channing Tatum,lol).
Sorry for the incoherent rant, I just smoked a J and felt spicy.

 

[deleted955030]

I think a lot of black men fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be fetishized. I think that is why it persists. I've had white guys tell me that the black guys they date or sleep with tell them that they prefer white men so their fetishism isn't seen as a problem to the guys they are seeing. The irony is that a lot of white women who date black men in the straight world will also be quick to say that the black men they date claim to have a preference for non-black. It may not always be true but when a guy is horny he is likely to tell his/her partner whatever he thinks will flatter them. I've had white guys tell me they are only attracted to black guys and it's a turn off to me. I automatically think they have a fetish.

Question. Do you think that perhaps a lot of black guys might have a fetish for non-black men the way that so many non-black men have a fetish for us?

Anecdotally, a lot of "black" men fall into this trap; social engineering is a major culprit. The 90s featured the Asian Persuasion, manga, and other Asian influences, and despite realizing early I was gay, that influence still left me a weak spot for strong petite Asian women like the schoolgirl Gogo Yubari of the Kill Bill series. So much in fact, my first relationship, which most who know me have no clue about, was with a big-breasted Asian gal in college that proved my relationship with women was strictly platonic. In the 21st century, Armenian, i.e. Kardashian. Even now, both sons of a gal friend of mine who are like seven years my junior almost strictly date women who have that look, fair skinned Indian women, and white women - a thing even before the porn film Mandigo, but have never entertained a "black" woman, of which their mother is half. Then again, when you look at media, which lets be honest has pretty much raised a lot of people, and the lives of those men as it correlates to "black" women, the image is oft not positive.

For the gay community, its even worse. Sex back in the day, and even now, is often political, and hence why the "No Fats-No Fems" ideology, though considered new by many, finds its roots in the classified section of gay newspapers of old. Who you socialized with was important, a statement. When you consider that the majority of gay men in the US found their introduction/socialization into gayhood through media (and cruising), many were indoctrinated into the "politics" of gay sex, especially with no other visible standard. For instance, a white man having sex with a black man was considered a lesser man (and in some circles even today), a sentiment reinforced by old but still somewhat prevalent ideologies that dark-skinned men were more animalistic (Middle Eastern men find themselves in this box too) and euphemisms like "once you go black..." Though not readily seen, that idiom in its negative context meant that the person who had sex with a black guy was now considered undesirable by any other race. Honestly, even the use of the term or embodiment of BBC is political, as it separates the user into a more powerful category deemed more acceptable to white and white-adjacent gaze. Even if a black gay guy was a size queen, it is unlikely he would be searching for a BBC as much as he would a big dick in general. Even more so, it has been my experience that gay black men are much more likely to use the word 'dick' vs 'cock' unless it is in relation to a non-black man. I say all this to say, I am sure that a lot of black guys fetishize non-black men. In fact, by percentage, I think there is more than the other way around.

To add to your point, of all the 300+ men my late husband hooked up with before me, only the boyfriend before me was black, light skinned in fact. And his taste in porn was pretty vanilla, as in predominately white. But after we got together, all he would watch was black porn often noting how my size was comparable. In and of itself, though it could be seen as a warning sign, it does not necessarily speak fetish. However, when you combine this with a number of his actions like pulling my dick out in front of another mixed-race gay couple saying look at what I got and never doing anything with my dick except masturbation for the first three years of our marriage, the fetishization starts to show itself more and more. And that only went further downhill the first time I topped him because thereafter he only ever wanted to bottom to get himself off. Apologies for the length, I too smoked a J, and this are the types of discussions I often have just saved for psychology and sociology papers, lol.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

Anecdotally, a lot of "black" men fall into this trap; social engineering is a major culprit. The 90s featured the Asian Persuasion, manga, and other Asian influences, and despite realizing early I was gay, that influence still left me a weak spot for strong petite Asian women like the schoolgirl Gogo Yubari of the Kill Bill series. So much in fact, my first relationship, which most who know me have no clue about, was with a big-breasted Asian gal in college that proved my relationship with women was strictly platonic. In the 21st century, Armenian, i.e. Kardashian. Even now, both sons of a gal friend of mine who are like seven years my junior almost strictly date women who have that look, fair skinned Indian women, and white women - a thing even before the porn film Mandigo, but have never entertained a "black" woman, of which their mother is half. Then again, when you look at media, which lets be honest has pretty much raised a lot of people, and the lives of those men as it correlates to "black" women, the image is oft not positive.

For the gay community, its even worse. Sex back in the day, and even now, is often political, and hence why the "No Fats-No Fems" ideology, though considered new by many, finds its roots in the classified section of gay newspapers of old. Who you socialized with was important, a statement. When you consider that the majority of gay men in the US found their introduction/socialization into gayhood through media (and cruising), many were indoctrinated into the "politics" of gay sex, especially with no other visible standard. For instance, a white man having sex with a black man was considered a lesser man (and in some circles even today), a sentiment reinforced by old but still somewhat prevalent ideologies that dark-skinned men were more animalistic (Middle Eastern men find themselves in this box too) and euphemisms like "once you go black..." Though not readily seen, that idiom in its negative context meant that the person who had sex with a black guy was now considered undesirable by any other race. Honestly, even the use of the term or embodiment of BBC is political, as it separates the user into a more powerful category deemed more acceptable to white and white-adjacent gaze. Even if a black gay guy was a size queen, it is unlikely he would be searching for a BBC as much as he would a big dick in general. Even more so, it has been my experience that gay black men are much more likely to use the word 'dick' vs 'cock' unless it is in relation to a non-black man. I say all this to say, I am sure that a lot of black guys fetishize non-black men. In fact, by percentage, I think there is more than the other way around.

To add to your point, of all the 300+ men my late husband hooked up with before me, only the boyfriend before me was black, light skinned in fact. And his taste in porn was pretty vanilla, as in predominately white. But after we got together, all he would watch was black porn often noting how my size was comparable. In and of itself, though it could be seen as a warning sign, it does not necessarily speak fetish. However, when you combine this with a number of his actions like pulling my dick out in front of another mixed-race gay couple saying look at what I got and never doing anything with my dick except masturbation for the first three years of our marriage, the fetishization starts to show itself more and more. And that only went further downhill the first time I topped him because thereafter he only ever wanted to bottom to get himself off. Apologies for the length, I too smoked a J, and this are the types of discussions I often have just saved for psychology and sociology papers, lol.

Don't apologize for the length. I enjoy reading it. You speak facts.