Goal Setting

I know what you mean...
I;ve narrowed down my search to a specific type of person I want..

now im just scared i wont find it

When you start hearing everyone tell you "you've gotta be realistic" it's extremely disheartening, even when you know you're being entirely realistic as you're using self-experienced examples to base your preferences off.

It seems the line between 'too-specific' and 'too-general' is kind of narrow on this, with how variable humans are.

Notthe7,

Being young is a big advantage for now. You've got time. Also, I hate when I start feeling this way because then when I do find someone I'm interested in I let them do stuff in the relationship that fucks it up. At least, that is what I learned from my relationship with my ex. In relationships there is always shit you are just going to need to deal with but IMO there are some little things guys can't let girls get away with early on like allowing the girl to stonewall you. After just a few weeks, every argument is built upon every bad/miscommunicating thing that you've done in the relationship. I can't let that happen again early one. One of the things I'm looking for...a woman willing to resolve arguments once and for all. My married friends in their 30s say I'm dreaming.

SyddyKitty,

Even worse than that is when people to you that you can't try to make it happen but you've got to just let it happen. Well, nothing good in my life has come from luck but rather working to make things happen. I could try to define it by making a list of nots but then too many women would fit my criteria. Too many is just as bad as not enough, right?

I am the type of person that works well on making improvements by setting goals. While researching this topic, two key principles seem key to effective goal setting.
1) Definiteness
2) Time Limit.
I am attempting to set goals in one area that I have never done so, my love life. Everyone has their type but if they make a goal to meet someone the question remains how narrow should one define the wanted characteristics. There are certain traits that I have a strong preference towards but also traits that could compensate for those lacking. I feel that a goal like, "meet a girl that you are interested in," is far to vague to be useful.

There are certain activities and hobbies I would want a partner to be interested in and also certain physical characteristics I desire.

Where should one set the bar on this subject matter?

Don't ever set out love as something to be obtained via goals. People can be temperamental. And people do change. Just when you think you have someone, you will be surprised.

Love is not short order. People are individuals and apart from you. They do not have the same goals as you. They do not have the same personality as you.

invisibleman,

Are you to set out love as something to be hoped for? Essentially, that is how I view goals. I pursue the goal as an aim that I hope to achieve. Most people do the same in some form or another.

Come on, a list of characteristics and personality traits is very much a fundamental part of how people think in attraction and whether a long term relationship is possible with another individual. To think otherwise would be disingenuous.

I believe much of our disagreement comes from differences in our concepts of love or philisophical considerations. I am a pragmatic realist. Are you a idealistic romantic of some sort? I've abandoned that framework as I feel it leaves me with no practical alternative in seeking a significant relationship with those I am attracted to.

"invisibleman,

Are you to set out love as something to be hoped for? Essentially, that is how I view goals. I pursue the goal as an aim that I hope to achieve. Most people do the same in some form or another.Come on, a list of characteristics and personality traits is very much a fundamental part of how people think in attraction and whether a long term relationship is possible with another individual. To think otherwise would be disingenuous.

I believe much of our disagreement comes from differences in our concepts of love or philisophical considerations. I am a pragmatic realist. Are you a idealistic romantic of some sort? I've abandoned that framework as I feel it leaves me with no practical alternative in seeking a significant relationship with those I am attracted to."

Your hopes and expectations on another may not be suitable for them. And vice-versa. And also what do people mean by "love". The definitions of love and approaches to it may not be the same.

People are different. People grow up different. People approach things different. I think that it is impossible to love somebody because of the capacity to evolve. And why should I set a goal to love someone that changes and ends up not wanting you? THAT isn't a goal I aspire.

Idealistic romantic? Pragmatic realist? I dunno what these terms mean. It is all static. But I will tell you that I have dated lots of men. And I have yet any control over them leaving. And if love is supposed to be a goal. I am missing the mark somehow. And I just think that people do whatever they want. And for that kind randomness. You shouldn't PLAN for love. You just do your best. You love.

And let's say your theory of "bringing along the criteria of the perfect mate" is correct...that doesn't mean that you will be up to their criteria. Is this right? Is this wrong? This is the elusiveness. Seems in vain to make a goal of obtaining love from another.

Of course, that is why love must be sought and people break up and leave when a connection cannot be made.

I suppose I'm still more optimistic and maybe this will change as I grow older failing to find my partner. It is impossible to have a long-term relationship with the fear of being hurt when an evolution of one partner exceeds what can be handled by the couple. I'm just hoping that I can find someone that is willing to work through a few things, which I believe is essential.

My view is that you need to control things the best you can. There would be no reason to plan for anything if control was the determining factor. Of course, you can control somethings better than others. I suppose I look at goals as simply trying the best you can to acheive your aim. At the very least, you must admit that love is something that must be sought.

This is one of the primary reasons that I think that making it a goal is suitable. You need to find a match and this takes effort and patience. It often ends in frustration. I would agree that a goal to obtain love from a specific other would be in vain but if the criteria is drawn vaguely enough then it's simply a goal obtain love from anyone. I am hopeful enough that there is some middle ground between a specific person and anyone that I can obtain love from. This hope is what I use to establish my goal but I'm in the process of figuring out where this middle ground is and will not yet accept that I am unlovable. Maybe I'm just a foolish youngster.

"Maybe I'm just a foolish youngster."

Or maybe, I am a foolish gent.

Or love is making fools of us all.

Hehehe.