Elliot

I wrote this back in January. I had been listening to alot of Sarah Slean in anticipation of her new release The Baroness. (I always wrap myself up in art like that especially when I have a favorite artist like Sarah.)

Elliot describes a time during an Orwell novel, how the fear of the time had altered people's perception of reality. Sarah is known for mixing philosophy and religion in her songs relating to the human experience. Something she was raised to believe that an artist would never be able to do successfully.

I had a dream about an issue I was in the process of examining and letting go. This was an entry in another blog, rather than rattle on I will allow it to speak for itself.

January 13th 2008

For the past couple of days, I have had a snippit of lyric stuck in my head. Sarah Slean's "Eliot" :

Workers and lovers make their living space neat
Bent out of shape over what to eat
I dream of Eliot but I am discreet 'cause it's sometimes wise
Just to shut your eyes.

How sure how right?
Can anyone be on sight?
I said I had Hope.
I lied
- - - - - -

I dreamed of south Louisiana when i was a kid of about 9 years old.
During that time and looking back, even though i was not physically abused by my parents and things were good..it was a difficult time.

People can be so rude and cruel, especially kids your own age.

I kept my dreams quiet, I knew in myself I was different but tried so very had just to survive school and get home without being beaten up. I spent most of my recess time alone, there a couple of kids that came by and talked misfits mostly but the majority of them kept a distance.

I remember the school councilor had me in her office trying to find out what was wrong, this made things even worse in my class. She had my dad come to that school without me knowing on a particular day when i was sitting alone at recess, she took him to the door where he could see me there. He told me he started crying.

He also asked the councilor "What are you doing to help my son instead of allowing this continue?" The staff at this school were not nice people at all.

A typical kid I was, nothing terrible. I made a joke one day and jumped behind a bush and made some mention of being Adam and being naked. (I acted out the Bible stories because that is how i was brought up, dad being a minister.) Some idiot kid told my teacher and I wound up in the principal's office for almost a week sitting confined to a desk separated from the rest of my class. A rather harsh punishment, since i was scrutinized and had to ask permission to get up and use the toilet....the principal was mean.

I got fed up with the desperation and the pressure and when recess let out, instead of returning to the office I ran away home and hid in my parent's Buick down on the floorboard of the back seat until it was time to make an after school appearance. I fell asleep because it was quiet and peaceful there.

My dad came home from a golf outing with a fellow pastor friend of his and saw me on the floorboard asleep.

Long story short, the school called looking for me and come to find out I had been sequestered to the principal's office without so much as a word to my parents. My mother was horrified and gave the school a huge what for, especially after I told her why I was there.

The severity of the the punishment did not fit the infraction.

I learned to keep things in at an early age. My dad always told me to be quiet and go unnoticed and not to draw attention to myself. Apparently the kind of attention I drew upon myself did not garner a positive response.

There is still a deep sadness that stays with me from my formative years. On some level it is difficult to let it go, I know my life was not harsh but there were other emotional issues that played havoc on my young mind....my older brother Micheal cannot abide me until this very day, he and my older brother Jim do not talk to my sister because we live together. They don't want me to have anything to do with the family.

So i dream of Elliot, but I am discreet 'cause it's sometimes wise just to shut your eyes....

Today...I will contemplate and look for a way to release this. I know it is no longer possible to carry it around. Time to let it go.