Ssssssssteam Heat! Pt. 2

The drive up to Troy takes two hours in good traffic. That was what I needed. I loaded the iPod with some good tunes but I didn't listen to them at all. I found listening to Rush Windbag much easier as it kept my mind occupied. I bothered to dress well , shaved, got cleaned-up. There's a visceral feeling you get when you're going someplace where you know you'll get sex. You feel better yourself, like you know a secret that nobody else does. You pass cars wondering if they can tell. It feels good.

My GPS worked perfectly, taking me straight to the door. I parked, grabbed my wallet, made sure I had my condoms and lube, and went inside. ebjay's post kept repeating through my head, "don't settle, don't compromise, and no expectations." Finally! OCD is of some use! The front staff were really nice, they buzzed me in, and immediately I was hit by the smell of water. Water is good, I thought. I'm a Pisces, I should be in my element. What can I say? Every little bit helped. They wanted my driver's license. So much anonymity. They keep valuables locked-up at the front desk so I gave them my keys and wallet. I received a towel and then was given a key to my room.

The tour was interesting and the whole time I looked at how clean everything was but, moreso, over what was going on... and that was not much. The staff guy explained I was still early for the lunch crowd (people go to bathhouses on their lunch??) and that it would fill-up quickly.

The room had a light on a dimmer, a narrow bunk with a waterproof pad, and a sheet. A small shelf was off to the side and then the next wall. If it was 3 feet wide I'd be saying that's generous. Alone with my thoughts now I decided if this was worth it all. I could leave now, could pick-up and go and that would be it. The cube was very dark but the dance music was very loud. I'm not big on most dance music so it seemed annoying to me though I think it was done to keep the mood up and drown out the sounds that usually fill the air. The cubes have no ceilings on them but they are nine feet tall so they're quite private in view if not in sound. The walls were painted dark purple and black to keep reflected light down and the overall effect was a bit gloomy but I figured that was just me being nervous.

At that point I could have gone either way, I could have stayed or left but then remembered Earl's post on growth. Growth is difficult, growth is about taking risks and this was a hurdle I had to get over. If I was to find a sense of confidence it had to be now. So many people had urged me to just go, do it, have fun, enjoy yourself. They won't all be A&F models. And with that I stripped, gave myself a good semi, through on the towel and went to the showers. The showers were easy. I'm used to gang showers so I just tossed my towel on a hook and went in. I spent time under the shower, just letting the hot water run over my neck and back to relax me. The warmth felt reassuring. So reassuring that I started to get hard. I was horrified and immediately reached to turn the water on cold to make it go down.

I stopped myself.

Why? Why turn on the cold water? This is a GAY bathhouse! Hell, if I can't get hard here then where else? Everyone's here for one thing and a hard on is definitely part of it. This is a place where it's OK to be gay, it's OK to be hard, it's OK to look, it's OK just to let go and be myself. The doors are double locked, no one but no one is coming in who doesn't want to be here. Unlike all the bookstores and other places where sex had to be quick and hidden, I had a cube waiting for me just down the hall where I could do whatever I wanted and it was OK. I didn't have to hide, didn't have to pretend anything.

I was free!

I stopped the shower and grabbed my towel. I'm going to check this place out! I headed to the steam room, the sauna, the jacuzzi, upstairs to the jacking room, to the weight area, to the upstairs cubes and the anything goes room. And there were men! All kinds of men! Some rail thin, others easily twice my weight. Some were old, some were young. I looked good because I wanted to be here. I had a smile, stood straight, and whatever nervousness I had coming in just fell away. Clearly I wasn't used to being in a bathhouse and I probably looked it but I DID NOT CARE because it didn't matter if I got laid or not. Some older guys were in their cubes with the door open and I could feel their eyes scanning me but I wasn't going to go there today. Today was for me. I've banked enough karma blowing the sad and pathetic. It was time to make a withdrawal.

I hit the steam room but found the heat, combined with the Cialis, made me woozy so I cooled under a shower for a bit and went into the sauna. Hot daddy straight ahead! Nice silver fox with a good bod. I talked to him a little bit about the place and then invited him back to my cube for a blow job. That was a lot of fun. It felt wonderful not to be hurried, to be completely naked, to not be on my knees, to just have fun with it. Now I'm very good at giving head and this guy was no exception. He gave me a great compliment after he shot but then immediately left mumbling something about how he's really straight. Straight?!?! You're in a bathhouse, my finger is up your ass, you've just shot a load down my throat, and you're straight??? I had to stifle my laughter and showed him the door. I showered again (you shower a lot in these places), and went upstairs where I got on the internet terminals and wrote this post. I chatted some with guys I met in the break area, had a few laughs with them, and then went looking for someone else. That day was just not my day. Nobody really attracted me and I thought about entertaining the guy who was shadowing me but didn't have the balls to approach me so I decided to go home. I wasn't going to jack-off in a bathhouse (at least without somebody else present). Now the old Jason would have gone up to anybody and meekly asked for whatever he received. New Jason just kept ejbay's words in mind. If I wanted to leave the place with my self respect I could NOT compromise or settle. And, much to my surprise, I didn't. Though I left with blue balls (very clean thought they were), I walked out feeling like I had accomplished something. So many of the guys I saw were like I used to be. Scurrying around in the dark corners with their heads down, barely talking. I felt sorry for them because it was so obvious to me that they hated themselves for being there. It dawned on me that scusi guy didn't hit on me not because I was hot (because I'm not) but because I had confidence. I sat in the steam room with legs open and a free view for all who wanted to look. Soft or hard, I didn't care. If I'm too small for you then so what? I know a lot of people far bigger than whomever you are and (cue Sally Field) they like me! They really like me! I know I'm good in bed if given the chance and if you miss out then it's your loss. I'm here to have fun on my terms.

This may not be a big deal to you, dear reader, but it's a HUGE deal to me. I paraded around like I was Brad Pitt with a 10" boner. I felt empowered, even in the gloom of my cube, I felt good, I felt pride, I felt confident and never before in my entire life have I ever felt confident like I did then. It's an odd place to find confidence but, I realize now, not if you're gay. I was in 4 walls of an entirely gay male place. Even gay clubs have women in them but not this place. It was an entirely male environment devoted to sex and the fact that I was free to experience my sexuality unfettered and openly, safely, just made me feel wonderful. I was a man out looking for sex among other men and I wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to wit anyone I didn't want. If I didn't get off then it was because I didn't choose to. For once, for this one time, my standards, my self esteem mattered more than getting men to like me because I had sex with them.

Driving home with a conquest like this felt amazing. Driving home with blue balls just sucked. On my way I stopped at the adult bookstore I frequented looking for a little release. It was 20 minutes to closing so I figured that I'd be alone but that was OK. Even alone the sleaziness of the bookstore got my horny and I thought it would be fun to try it with my new-found confidence. Once again I thought, don't settle, don't compromise, and no expectations. The place was empty but one guy was getting off in the buddy booth and he didn't look bad at all so I went in and he immediately dropped to his knees and practically ripped my jeans open. Sliding my cock into his mouth felt amazing. I had waited so long, three days, without a shot that my I felt my knees buckle as I held myself up on his shoulders and just let loose a huge load. The poor guy didn't suspect how horny I'd been and couldn't help but swallow. He shot his load on the floor, resisting my attempts to repay him. I chuckled a little when I saw his cock. It wasn't much bigger than mine and I was thankful I wouldn't have to work on a big one. Smaller guys are much easier to work on and there's so many cool things you can do. Still, I wouldn't be asked to do anything that night so I zipped-up and the dude just looked up at me and whispered, Thanks you! You have no idea how much I needed that! Oh yes I did! I just smiled and thanked him, pulling him up from the floor before I left the booth and went back to the car.

I left the book store, walking straight, walking slowly, not giving a shit who saw me or why. It felt good to be me.