A Dingo Took My Baby!

‘There has to be more than this. There just must be. If I’m going to be open and self-accepting, then I have to push ahead, take risks, like Earl said.’ My need for change had become so immediate, so intense, that I didn’t quite know what to do with it. Between a few hook-ups and the bathhouse, I was left wondering what to do next?

About a billion years ago I had seen HBO’s Real Sex and remembered they did a segment on some men’s group that focused on positive touch in a male environment. The entire workshop was conducted nude and I thought that was tolerable. While I hate being nude in public, I can deal with it and this program seemed to focus on being more accepting of our bodies; something I very much needed. Now I had seen this segment over ten years ago and didn’t recall anything about it so I had to not only find somewhere on the net that archived the episodes synopses, but would name the organization.

After a good three hours of searching, I had finally found the group and its name: The Body Electric School and it was founded by an ex-Jesuit priest. Oh joy! Not only had I found the group, but I found that they had expanded beyond the Bay area and now had classes here in New York. I checked the schedule and found a class starting in four weeks. It was the basic first class, Celebrating the Body Erotic. As I read the description, I became very enthused:

A first step in your exploration into your erotic potential. CBE involves the mind, the body and the heart in a series of exercises that use breathing, stretching and touching. [Oh yes! I need to get my mind and body working together!] Many men are searching for a more meaningful connection to themselves and to others[I certainly am, just begging for it!]. When they take responsibility for their erotic education, they realize how much there is to learn about awakening the erotic energy that lies within all of us [Yup, I need to learn how to enjoy sex, not see it a chore]. They begin to realize the satisfaction that comes from learning how to both give and receive pleasure[You mean I can enjoy this?]. The workshop focuses on the entire body and is conducted in a setting that is playful, safe and honoring[Yeah, safe is good]. The benefits of this work are:

• The participant gains greater acceptance of himself as an erotic being, both physically and mentally.
• He discovers ways to develop a more satisfying erotic relationship with others.
• He becomes more aware of spiritual dimensions in his erotic explorations.

Celebrating the Body Erotic is a full two-day clothes-off workshop (9am-7pm) for those who are ready to vigorously explore new levels of feeling, both within themselves and within a community of men.

Wow! This is just what I needed!! Sex feels good but I can’t say I derive much pleasure from it, always focusing on the other person’s needs, on what I’m doing right or wrong, always placing my pleasure last. This course I need to do. I need to learn how to be person other people will want and right now I’m not. If I want to attract the men who I’m attracted to, then I need to get off my ass and work to become a balanced, happy, confident man. It won’t happen otherwise.

Part of me wasn’t quite sold. I instinctively shy away from anything that smacks of hippy-dippy bullshit and I’m quite sure this course was cooked-up by some guy who went to India in his junior year back in the 60s. Still, I wanted to try it. Maybe hippy-dippy bullshit works for my kinds of issues. I’d think about it.

I was so impressed by the Celebrating the Body Erotic course that I looked through other courses and noticed one was being held soon at a gay men’s retreat upstate from where I am. Retreat sounded good. A place where I can get my head together, commune with other men, and enjoy time alone with just my thoughts. Body Erotic wouldn’t be for another month and I really wanted to get out of the house again and this course was in a mere two weeks. The course that weekend was about being gay, self-accepting, learning to be confident, learning to give of ourselves. That just sounded great too, so I signed-up for that weekend. If I could just keep my cool for another two weeks, I’d be on my way to being around other men like myself asking the same questions as myself. Besides, this was a gay retreat weekend, I was bound to get some action, right?

So the two weeks go by and I get an email from the retreat center basically saying my weekend was canceled. There weren’t enough participants. Immediately my inner demon tells me, “They all must have found out you were coming!”

I couldn’t believe it! CBE didn’t start for two weeks two weeks ago and now I’m going to have to wait another two weeks?? I felt like I had been denied parole after I’d already started walking out of the prison. There was nothing to do. Frustrated by this situation I immediately went back to the Body Electric website. Maybe they had another course I could take in the meantime? Going over the calendar I didn’t see anything but, lo and behold, there was another course just two weeks after the Body Erotic course and it was a weekend course held at Easton Mountain, the same place I was supposed to go to for the retreat! Yaaay!!! I’ll take that one. I didn’t bother reading the description really; such was my longing to get the hell out of the house, if it was Body Electric then it was good enough for me! So I called the coordinator and signed-up for, Power, Surrender, and Intimacy. Apparently, it had to do with power in relationships with frank discussions and demonstrations of BDSM practices. Sounded fine by me. I’d like to learn about the dynamics of relationships and what it’s like to be in one. PSI should help me do that plus I’ll have plenty of time to focus on the retreat aspect. I admit I was intrigued by the subject of the discussions but also rather trepid. I’d never been attracted to BDSM but I also once again remembered Earl’s words saying how growth is extending ourselves beyond our zones of safety and perhaps this course could help me better understand the BDSM world.

It is said often that we only hear what we want to hear. The coordinator was the same one who registered me for CBE.

“Two in a row? You’re brave!”
“Am I? I don’t feel brave, just adventurous.”
“Are you sure you want to do PSI so soon after CBE?”
“Yeah, I’ve just got to get out of the house.”
“OK, if you say so. I’ll see you at CBE and we’ll talk about it there.”

The following week was just one of complete pins and needles. I posted a subject on LPSG asking about Body Electric and found that a few people had done it and they all recommended it highly. Very like me to post a question about something after I’ve already committed to it but, as I told myself, I could always just leave if I didn’t like it. It was my money and my time. Nobody could force me to do something I didn’t want to. Yeah it might be hippy-dippy but aren’t hippies supposed to be about self-acceptance? If the instructor’s name is Moonbeam or something goofy then I’m leaving. OK, maybe I can live with Moonbeam, but if he smells like patchouli then I’m leaving. That’s it. Patchouli would be my cut-off. Moonbeam and patchouli and I’m out the door.

The wait was just interminable, as waits are when we really want to do something, and I remember being thrilled at receiving the confirmation letter. It specifically asked me not to wear any cologne and not to ejaculate for 48 hours before the course started on Saturday. ‘Ah ha!,’ I thought to myself, ‘So this is why everyone leaves saying it’s so great, nobody has a money shot until Sunday evening! Clever marketers…’

Sometimes I ‘m just sooo cynical.

What I hadn’t counted on was the impact this course would have on my sleep schedule. Being a night owl, the idea of waking-up at 5:30 to get to the city by 9am just was beyond me. Worse, the course was being held in Brooklyn at some place called, The Grand Space, and there’s just no good way to get to Brooklyn from where I live. You have to go through Manhattan. Why, it occurred to me, would one want to go to Brooklyn once you’re in Manhattan? I didn’t know Brooklyn at all and decided I’d have to rely on my GPS unit. To get good directions I went to the Grand Space’s website.

Dear lord in heaven. There are rainbows, murals, people who don’t wash their hair, and oh god, crafts. Crafts: just the word chills me. It’s hippy-dippy shit heaven. It’s times like these I have to imagine myself in Philip Johnson’s Glass House to keep from having a panic attack. The pictures didn’t help at all even if the directions did though I recalled that hippies usually give lousy directions so just to be sure I programmed the address into my GPS.

Still, this was about growth, about taking risks, pushing my boundaries. If everyone else, including Earl, whose opinion I esteem highly, said Body Electric was great then I’m going to do it! Hell yeah! Go me! I took a sleeping pill Thursday evening and didn’t look at the clock all night. When the buzzer went off the next morning I was ready and on my way. I showered very thoroughly, shaved, and put on the decent clothes I had laid out the previous night.

As I was dressing I wondered, ‘Why bother with the nice clothes if you’re going to be doing this nude?’ Too late.

Being a Saturday morning I had a lot of highway to myself. I would arrive with time to spare to find a good parking space. I was so on top of it all. I was confident, happy, and prepared to spend two days naked with 30 other men I didn’t know…. Wait. What am I doing again?