A sexuality journey
Sexuality is fluid. That is what everyone keeps telling me.
But do you stop to think where this leads us and what the effects are that it has on our relationship comfort zones? Perhaps you have judged harshly those who have followed their fluidity.
Player or Journeyman? (Don Juan or Odysseus?)
Is a journey alpha to omega, even if omega is beta?
My journey started at thirteen. Two young people kissing in a garden shed while the party played indoors. The kissing was pure and natural, soft and wet, playful and unjudging. Perhaps I could smell those things that only our unconscious can smell, but unselfconsciously, I just went down on her. She returned the act and our bond of journey was made. I never saw her again.
Sow your wild oats and settle down.
Horse manure. Men are objectified so easily in their sexual behaviour. My sexual life has been a devotion of exploration of each woman that I have known’s sexuality. And here is the rub. Some have gone abc, some abcdef, and others abcdefghijklmnop. But in every case, at some point, they have found their zone. My experience has been that when the women that I have known have found their zone, they are happy. And why not?
You find a man who has found your zone. Dream come true?
No.
What about him? Have you spent any time thinking about his zone? Where does he wish to be taken? Love is not a judge, even if he is being a dick - we are all allowed to make mistakes. Well OK it seemed like a good idea.
This is my paradox.
The post feminist age seems to have forgotten that maybe, just maybe, some men need a bit more than a thrust thrust spurt, that they too have a journey and one in which the finish line may keep moving.
Men should be happy if they have a woman, if they have a woman who is happy, sexually satisfied.
Hello, what about the man?
Well, here I am. Twenty five years after the Garden Shed.
Some men bask in self congratulation when a woman tells them that they are perfectly content. I have wept, I know the relationship has no future.
Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def, you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest.
You can end up like the NY Governor guy and have everyone laugh at you, or me, in a ménage a trois with two married women, pushing on to xyz. And probably quite a few laughing as well.
perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness.
But do you stop to think where this leads us and what the effects are that it has on our relationship comfort zones? Perhaps you have judged harshly those who have followed their fluidity.
Player or Journeyman? (Don Juan or Odysseus?)
Is a journey alpha to omega, even if omega is beta?
My journey started at thirteen. Two young people kissing in a garden shed while the party played indoors. The kissing was pure and natural, soft and wet, playful and unjudging. Perhaps I could smell those things that only our unconscious can smell, but unselfconsciously, I just went down on her. She returned the act and our bond of journey was made. I never saw her again.
Sow your wild oats and settle down.
Horse manure. Men are objectified so easily in their sexual behaviour. My sexual life has been a devotion of exploration of each woman that I have known’s sexuality. And here is the rub. Some have gone abc, some abcdef, and others abcdefghijklmnop. But in every case, at some point, they have found their zone. My experience has been that when the women that I have known have found their zone, they are happy. And why not?
You find a man who has found your zone. Dream come true?
No.
What about him? Have you spent any time thinking about his zone? Where does he wish to be taken? Love is not a judge, even if he is being a dick - we are all allowed to make mistakes. Well OK it seemed like a good idea.
This is my paradox.
The post feminist age seems to have forgotten that maybe, just maybe, some men need a bit more than a thrust thrust spurt, that they too have a journey and one in which the finish line may keep moving.
Men should be happy if they have a woman, if they have a woman who is happy, sexually satisfied.
Hello, what about the man?
Well, here I am. Twenty five years after the Garden Shed.
Some men bask in self congratulation when a woman tells them that they are perfectly content. I have wept, I know the relationship has no future.
Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def, you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest.
You can end up like the NY Governor guy and have everyone laugh at you, or me, in a ménage a trois with two married women, pushing on to xyz. And probably quite a few laughing as well.
perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness.
Total Comments 32
Comments
 | Very enlightening Drifterwood. I agree wholeheartedly. It goes both ways on this though. Sometimes it is the woman who needs to go on to the next level or as you say to explore def. But sadly I don't think it's as acceptable for a woman. |
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| |  I think you're dead-on. Before we took the plunge, the Mrs. and I were talking to a very smart mutual friend of our about interpersonal dynamics. His notion was much like yours...that people are not static entities, but tend to always be in a state of flux to some degree. In his words, "A" is always in the process of becoming "A'" (A-prime)...when a relationship begins, A & B come together based on some commonalities in their beings. The relationships which are likely doomed to failure are those where "A" is changing into "A'" are a much different rate than "B" is becoming "B'"...or if the direction "A" is going diverges from the direction "B" goes. Hmmm...this doesn't translate well into writing at all. The point being, it's not enough for A & B to have common qualities...they also have to have similar growth rates and directions. Otherwise, the relationship at some point ends up being A' & B instead of A' & B'. When this happens, it's over...but sadly, our culture espouses and encourages the nonsensical notion that it's a good idea to stay together. Sad, really. |
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| |  Quote: Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def; you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest. Quote: perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness. I agree and in retrospect every relationship I have ever had ended because we grew at different rates and I don't mean just sexually either. Quote: The point being, it's not enough for A & B to have common qualities...they also have to have similar growth rates and directions. Otherwise, the relationship at some point ends up being A' & B instead of A' & B'. When this happens, it's over...but sadly, our culture espouses and encourages the nonsensical notion that it's a good idea to stay together. Sad, really. Posted by HazelGod IMHO Staying together for the children or because it's a sacrament and a vow before God is stupid. It's always been stupid. I don't think God wants us to be miserable because you signed a piece of paper. He may have a history of being vengeful but he's not a satanic puppet master.  |
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| | Quote: perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness.  It's not always the woman who needs to play catch up in the bedroom so that her man can be fulfilled. A lot of times the hubby is the one left in the sexual dust.Quote: or me, in a ménage a trois with two married women, pushing on to xyz. |
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| |  Ladies, I appreciate exactly what you saying. It is my blog, so I wrote it from a completely personal pov/experience. |
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| |  Aha! I knew there was good reason I learned the alphabet backwards as well as forwards.  Very true, DW. Now... where DID I put that "M".... |
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| | I'm still wondering why women are hanging out & around at LPSG..I thought women basically obsessed about their own bodies, wants and needs & could care less about big dicks..unless these "women" aren't. Well I guess I like trannies as much as the next guy. Unfortunately most hung guys are generally a**holes, and will seek out some dumb fat loser (most women) to suck him; let him shove his dick up some hole. Hugs 'n kisses, a bitter closeted gay dude, alone again. |
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| |  There are no answers, DW. Not in a marriage, not when you're single, not anytime. I choose to be married every day. It's not something that is easy-- in fact, there's nothing in my life that's easy. Work, raising a child, marriage, even just getting up every morning. I find that with every facet of my life comes a sense of compromise, and I wonder sometimes if that's just me, or if it truly is the human condition. I've come to believe that seeking is the steady state, not contentedness. I made a committment when I was 22, which was 8 years ago now. At this point it's not about lust, sex, or infatuation. It could be coldly called a business relationship-- and in some ways that's true. I threw my lot in with someone so I can come home and feel safe, so I can raise my son in peace and know he's loved by his father, so I have someone to cry with, so I have someone who loves me even when it's hard work, so that when I'm old I won't be alone, but have someone to share memories with. In all of that is an understanding that we will change. I married knowing that the part of me that was intoxicated wouldn't last, and that the only way to have that on any regular basis would be outside of the marriage. At this point, I choose not to pursue that avenue. The practical parts of marriage must outweigh the romantic ones to work. I have no illusions that I didn't calculate who I married and when. I can even say that he's not the love of my life, not the one who I would have done anything to be with. He is someone who I have a tremendously satisfying partnership with. We work together-- emotionally, physically, mentally, and in the business that is being a family. With all this said, change is acceptable and expected. There's not the sense that if we grow apart our relationship is ruined or over. At some point we always come back to one another, even if it's just to recharge before our next personal adventure. That's okay to me. I'm not expecting stars and fireworks anymore. When they happen, it's great. When they don't, I have someone with whom I can talk to and play with the rugrat. Someone I know will help him with his math homework and buy me dresses when I cry. It's a compromise, but not a bad one. Both of us may have to hold off on or even give up pqr or jklmnop for the sake of the relationship. We do that in business all the time. Why expect personal life to be any different? You've got to have long-term investments because the short-term ones are always unstable. The long term ones aren't as aggressive or exciting, but they are the ones you can stake your future on. So where does that leave us? I think it leaves us all to choosing which compromise position we ultimately choose-- moving around always seeking and never finding, or throwing in with someone knowing it's going to change all the time anyway. Neither offers complete security. You just have to pick your poison. Or, maybe I'm just depressive, cynical, and of some queer artistic bent. |
| Updated 03-14-2008 at 12:01 PM by snoozan |
| |  But do you stop to think where this leads us and what the effects are that it has on our relationship comfort zones? Perhaps you have judged harshly those who have followed their fluidity. Far be it from me to judge others on their fluidity since mine has been a subject of speculation from time to time. I've had my share of relationships and twice married, as you know. I didn't think i'd ever want to "settle down" and get married again because I had gone the traditional route both times and neither one worked. The purpose of wedding vows is to make it known to your spouse and everyone that you will be there through life's one constant - change. Some are afraid of it, some embrace it, some need a little encouragement to face it. Hazelgod is right; these periods of change don't always happen at the same rate with each individual. Couples should always be prepared for that but many aren't. My partner and I know that life changes faster than the blink of an eye. We cannot predict what the future holds but we decided to hold hands and jump into the unknown together. Our comfort zone lies in taking that risk together and knowing that even though our wants and needs will change, we'll always have a bond. Whatever shape or form that takes remains to be seen. Not to mention I have the best of both worlds you described. My partner "paid" me for a "service" I performed on him recently. *shakes her moneymaker*  |
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| | Thank you all for the great responses. I do appreciate the compromise issues. I don't think that it is a case that I am not willing to compromise, after all, I don't think that I have ever refused to try whatever has been asked of me. And I would never want anyone to do anything that they did not want to do. Playing with someone who doesn't like the game is pretty pointless for everyone. I think my point is that I have never met anyone (caveat here) who has wanted to pursue the journey once they have found what they are happy with or happy to compromise with. The main problem for me as a man here, is that my partners have also stopped exploring my sexuality at this point as well. So I end up wondering whether I am just performing and not receiving anything in return. I don't know if there is somethng of a biological imperative involved here. Perhaps it is no coincidence that my relationships now are with women who have moved beyond needing to nest etc.. Women who as it happens are married and for the most part happily, but are not able to compromise to the extent that their husbands want. I still have very strong bonds with some serious ex's and I did blow a chance with a potential life partner once because of my own immaturity. She told me so at the time as well. |
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| | Wanna cam? I've got a cheap suit!! Ohhh, you meant a SHEEP suit.  My bad. - - - - - - - - - I find it hard to believe that people DON'T keep experimenting and expanding. But I guess "contentment" is more the rule. |
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| | Drifterwood, I hope that I am able to properly articulate and render what I think as I read your BLOG. I truly hope it it taken in the sprirt in which this offered. I'm concerned. Exploring your sexuality is a great and good thing to do. Exploring a sexual whim and ticking it off as good or crossing it off as bad. But do you how to stop. Do you not worry that your sexual appetites will be so jaded after all your exploring that when the desire to get into a long term relationship comes upon you, you will be unable to find someone who stimulate your appetites and hold your sexual interest for any lenght of time. No one is a perfect fit in regards to sexuality and the way that choose to express it. The only way to get as closer fit as possible is if there is complete trust and communication. A person who feels safe, cherished and loved will willing breach their sexual boundaries for their partner faster than someone who doesn't. They will do so willingly and without reservation, they might even suprise you in that they may even suggest things you haven't yet thought of. |
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| |  I've struggled with my comment for ages now.... so much so that I should probably not even bother... Plus this is coming from a person who never got off A, and who's husband didn't either, though I don't think he ever wanted to.... But I do recognise the 'once one has reached their destination, do they even worry about the other...' though do think this could be true for either party, regardless of whether male or female. Whether it be in sex, work, our own ambitions or just life in general, some of us want to keep growing.... moving. But others are happy to stop, once they feel they have accomplished something, even if it isn't all they could have accomplished. It's that thing of being adventurous, a challenger, a leader, or just accepting the norm and not wanting to push the boundaries. You're a boundary stretcher and adventurer, a learner and a leader.... I'm sure that you'll leave a lot of people behind you. But that's just cos they've reached their limitations. But you're right. It doesn't mean that you have to stop.You just have to find the other challengers, leaders, adventurers.... Hmmm... that was my humble opinion anyway.... Nice blog. Thought provoking. Thx |
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| | The funny thing DragonFly, is that some paths for personal growth/knowledge are perfectly acceptable, whilst others are not. Most of my friends are of course married, I'm that age. I am watching their relationships for the most part drift apart. Why is this? Very simple IMO, they are developing their own interests that mean that they either have less time for each other or they seem to be becoming a lower priortiy for each other. Throw on top of this the likeliehood that they have developed different levels of sexual interest since the first flushes of lust. It's true for both sexes, IKnowKK, I am sure. |
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| |  Quote: Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def, you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest. How do you know someone has reached their ABC and will go no further? ESP? Nobody ever knows the entirety of what someone else is thinking. Either party may communicate what they think the other person wants to hear in order to spare their feelings. Heaven forbid we make someone feel inadequate because we tell them we aren't completely satisfied with the status quo. I agree with DF. Complete trust and communication is the key. By sharing your desires with your partner they will feel trusted and will trust you more in return, possibly even sharing with you desires of their own they have kept concealed for fear of judgement. None of us can know unless we try. Yes, relationships are difficult for the honest, but when they work they are so much stronger for it. Beware imperfect honesty. "I'm perfectly happy" is a relative thing. We were all content being virgins until we discovered our sexuality and knew there was something more. Now look at us, we're happy having sex, too. I think another point is how you might approach such a conversation. Carre should be taken so they don't feel that you wish to explore beyond them. It's important to invite them to join you on the journey, exploring together. You will still find partners who can't or won't go the distance, like snowflakes each person and their sexuality will be unique, but digging past the face value of a statement of 'happiness" might help to take them a few steps more with you. I'm sure I'm just reminding you of things you already know. You're no stranger to delving and prodding. ;) Thruppence, please. |
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| | An anology if I may. Money - as important to a happy relationship as sex by all accounts. Your partner is averse to higher risk investments. Their position on this is completely reasonable. However, you are attracted to the occasional high risk opportunity. You can discuss the opportunities with your partner but you know really that it is against their nature. They will not be satisfied or change their mind if it works and if it doesn't, then god help you. If you know that someone is uncomfortable with something then isn't communication in danger of becoming your trying to enforce your will over theirs. If you give in to their wishes, you probably won't really satisfy them as your heart isn't in it and worse you probably come across as patronising them. Ever had head from a guy that didn't enjoy going down on women? A lot of the members here are very honest about their personal sine qua nons in a sexual relationship, I am just saying that that list can be long and changing, to the point that at some stage you will reach a point of incompatability. At least that has been my majority experience. Whether you can compromise that or not seems to be the question. |
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| | Quote:
If you know that someone is uncomfortable with something then isn't communication in danger of becoming your trying to enforce your will over theirs.
My hackles raise when a guy has the audacity to order my meal without so much as asking what I'm in the mood for. Imagine the extent of my delight if a guy decided to end a relationship because he had, in his infinite wisdom, determined what my sexual limitations were. Come to think of it while the initial response would be towering fury in the long run it would be for the best. If he's that much of an idiot I'm better off without him. I hear what you're saying about unenthusiastic participation. It's a risk. If that is the result and it's not satisfying then renegotiate and part ways but I still feel that giving them the choice by discussing it with them should happen before you choose to explore elsewhere. I doubt the first response of any scotch drinker was "mmm, yummy" but yet there are subtle nuances they learn to contemplate and savour. A better example would be skydiving. The concept, jumping out of a perfectly functional aircraft. seems like a perfectly good idea doesn't it? Not. But people choose to challenge themselves and they sign up. Standing at the open door most probably feel a level of dread never felt before as the instructor helpfully reminds them, "It's not the fall that'll kill you, it's the sudden stop". And yet they jump. Nearly every person I've spoken to who has tried skydiving is an enthusiastic convert. They can't say enough about it. They're impatient to do it again. Catch my drift, Drifter? They may choose not to go with you. They may choose to join you and it go poorly. They may choose to join you on the journey and it go amazingly well despite initial misgivings. But they certainly won't go if you never give them the chance. |
| Updated 03-29-2008 at 09:16 PM by Gillette |
| | I do believe so. That is the other way round - and we just don't do that in Europe as far as I am aware. It's not just a risk - it ruins everything. I loved malts the first time I drank them - maybe that was just me. Nearly? Fucking in Public - can't say that that is my thing. What do you want me to do if a GF is really into that? |
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| | I enjoyed Drgonfly's thread on Polygamy. Why should there be only one type of relationship that is endorsed by the State? There is a deep rooted fear of human sexuality. But then I wonder whether the great paradox is female sexuality? How do you balance the need for a safe nest for the children you want with the sexual desires that you have? Men (OK me) don't seem to have these variables in needs so much. I think my sexual desires are fairly constant in nature if not in actions, whereas the cycle of a woman's sexual needs seems more diverse. I don't mean emotional needs, these seem more constant to me. I would welcome comments. |
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| | I can only speak from my own point of veiw in that with the diffrent phases of my sexuality. I have gone from being utterly promiscuous, to faithful wife, being asexual, a some what discerning sexual explorer and now finding myself entering a new phase of bi-sexuality. Each new phase was greeted with an "goodness" moment, a raised eyebrow, and a mental shrug of the shoulders. There was never a intitial phase of doubt, no mental battle with it, no supressing it and no angst attached to the change. So too with this change. I had my little "light bulb moment" when I realized that what I felt for two ladies on the board was getting to be more than just a sisterly affection and respect for them. I immediately acknowledged it for what it was and adjusted my percentages. |
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Recent Blog Entries by Drifterwood
- A sexuality journey (03-13-2008)
