A sexuality journey
Sexuality is fluid. That is what everyone keeps telling me.
But do you stop to think where this leads us and what the effects are that it has on our relationship comfort zones? Perhaps you have judged harshly those who have followed their fluidity.
Player or Journeyman? (Don Juan or Odysseus?)
Is a journey alpha to omega, even if omega is beta?
My journey started at thirteen. Two young people kissing in a garden shed while the party played indoors. The kissing was pure and natural, soft and wet, playful and unjudging. Perhaps I could smell those things that only our unconscious can smell, but unselfconsciously, I just went down on her. She returned the act and our bond of journey was made. I never saw her again.
Sow your wild oats and settle down.
Horse manure. Men are objectified so easily in their sexual behaviour. My sexual life has been a devotion of exploration of each woman that I have known’s sexuality. And here is the rub. Some have gone abc, some abcdef, and others abcdefghijklmnop. But in every case, at some point, they have found their zone. My experience has been that when the women that I have known have found their zone, they are happy. And why not?
You find a man who has found your zone. Dream come true?
No.
What about him? Have you spent any time thinking about his zone? Where does he wish to be taken? Love is not a judge, even if he is being a dick - we are all allowed to make mistakes. Well OK it seemed like a good idea.
This is my paradox.
The post feminist age seems to have forgotten that maybe, just maybe, some men need a bit more than a thrust thrust spurt, that they too have a journey and one in which the finish line may keep moving.
Men should be happy if they have a woman, if they have a woman who is happy, sexually satisfied.
Hello, what about the man?
Well, here I am. Twenty five years after the Garden Shed.
Some men bask in self congratulation when a woman tells them that they are perfectly content. I have wept, I know the relationship has no future.
Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def, you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest.
You can end up like the NY Governor guy and have everyone laugh at you, or me, in a ménage a trois with two married women, pushing on to xyz. And probably quite a few laughing as well.
perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness.
But do you stop to think where this leads us and what the effects are that it has on our relationship comfort zones? Perhaps you have judged harshly those who have followed their fluidity.
Player or Journeyman? (Don Juan or Odysseus?)
Is a journey alpha to omega, even if omega is beta?
My journey started at thirteen. Two young people kissing in a garden shed while the party played indoors. The kissing was pure and natural, soft and wet, playful and unjudging. Perhaps I could smell those things that only our unconscious can smell, but unselfconsciously, I just went down on her. She returned the act and our bond of journey was made. I never saw her again.
Sow your wild oats and settle down.
Horse manure. Men are objectified so easily in their sexual behaviour. My sexual life has been a devotion of exploration of each woman that I have known’s sexuality. And here is the rub. Some have gone abc, some abcdef, and others abcdefghijklmnop. But in every case, at some point, they have found their zone. My experience has been that when the women that I have known have found their zone, they are happy. And why not?
You find a man who has found your zone. Dream come true?
No.
What about him? Have you spent any time thinking about his zone? Where does he wish to be taken? Love is not a judge, even if he is being a dick - we are all allowed to make mistakes. Well OK it seemed like a good idea.
This is my paradox.
The post feminist age seems to have forgotten that maybe, just maybe, some men need a bit more than a thrust thrust spurt, that they too have a journey and one in which the finish line may keep moving.
Men should be happy if they have a woman, if they have a woman who is happy, sexually satisfied.
Hello, what about the man?
Well, here I am. Twenty five years after the Garden Shed.
Some men bask in self congratulation when a woman tells them that they are perfectly content. I have wept, I know the relationship has no future.
Please don’t give me the communication crap. If you know that someone has reached their abc and you need to explore def, you know they can’t go there with a willing heart. If you want support for this opinion, look at the divorce and infidelity rates. They just show me how difficult relationships are, especially for the honest.
You can end up like the NY Governor guy and have everyone laugh at you, or me, in a ménage a trois with two married women, pushing on to xyz. And probably quite a few laughing as well.
perhaps I am extreme, but I would say, your man's happiness may rest upon more than your own happiness.
Total Comments 35
Comments
 |  I noticed the percentages immediately. Do you think that one partner could have gone with you on this journey? Had you chosen one partner who was very good when you were being faithful and mother to their kid/kids, how would you feel about maybe having to drop them to continue your journey? |
  |
| | I noticed the percentages immediately. Do you think that one partner could have gone with you on this journey? |
| |
| | Two of these phases happened when I was a wife. Faithful, sexual wife to faithful asexual wife. I didn't leave my husband when I became asexual. We still shared the same house, the same bed and he got "relations" when he demanded it. I guess in alot of ways I have never been in a situation where I have had to make the choice expect when I was married. I stayed married and had sex inspite of having zero sexual desire for anyone. But if I was truthful about the nature of my various phases, I guess it would be too much to ask any one person to come on that journey with me. To do so would take a pretty selfless act in letting go of all urge to explore their own sexuality but to be open minded enough to take mine on. Inter personal dynamics just don't function that way. |
| |
| | Thanks DF. Clearly I find this an absorbing issue. I am not even sure if reproduction is intrinsic to the heterosexual condition - maybe I'll start a thread on that. The fact that we do have this journey suggests to me that a monogamous relationship under current fairytale mentality is hardly ever going to work, as in fact is born out in the stats. Interestingly though, we are not really monogamous at all. Most of us have nearly ten years of sexual activity before we get married. So, my thinking is going down the line that we use different relationships at different times. When we want children we become genetically monogamous (maybe that is what marriage is about now predominantly) and try to be sexually monogamous, but then we weren't sexually monogamous before we got married, and we are tempted not to be once the child rearing is out of the way. If you don't mind me saying DF, you are a classic example of this. We fuck around, we nest to have kids, and then we revert to exploring our true nature. Marriage is something of a sledge hammer to human nature. All this said, I do realise that some people do find a partner that satisfies them in all respects and that not everyone has the same desires to explore, which is fine. |
| |
| |  Hi Drifterwood. May I share something? Then follow with a comment, if you please. I have always objected to the term 'settle down', for in the past, it signified the notion of becoming rooted in order to grow. It currently implies that one settles for less. I prefer to say "sinking in", in the way we sink into a kiss, a warm hot bath, a good read or anything that comforts us and makes us feel good. As a man, you could include the way you feel when you sink deeply into a woman that turns you on. In this modern age, men and often forget that we are more than brief clips and sound bites encased in flesh. Within us, is the need to connect. The choice is to either connect as much as one can with a particular one, or go forth and connect superficially with many. The Garden shed moment can be recreated. Alas, it cannot be extended to include all of one's lovers, but that select few. You know who they are-you cannot help but sink right in. Thanks, ~Sugar~ |
| |
| | If you are an appreciater of irony, you will like this. I was told last night in no uncertain terms, that I was wanted purely for sex. She has her boyfriend for emotion, but he doesn't satisfy her sexually. That is my roll apparently. Mr. Rentadick. I have very mixed feelings about this, which might seem a bit rich coming from me. On the one hand she is showing an honesty that I feel I would advocate, on the other, I feel like a whore. I am also uncomfortable that she treats her guy like this, or rather that she tells me. I don't want to know that. What do you think of her attitude? |
| |
| | Well Drifterwood, She has the same attitiude as a man. You are having a "Boomerang" moment. ( from the movie staring Eddie Murphy). Have you not approached your sexual encounters with the same forthright attitude? It can always be a little hard to swallow when other party can be that direct and some what selfish in outlining in no uncertain terms what their rules of engagement are. It can come across as a slap in the face. Has no one ever been this blunt with you before now? |
| |
| | I want more from sex than that, even casual sex, which I don't take casually, if that makes sense. |
| Updated 06-15-2008 at 03:19 PM by Drifterwood |
| |  I can appreciate that. In school, a girl I was seeing -- in that loose, friendly, no-obligations sort of way -- once told me that she didn't think I was relationship material...that she saw me as being the "other" man. She couldn't (or wouldn't) elaborate when I pressed her on her meaning. She just said it was a feeling she had about me. I didn't think too much of it then...at eighteen, who really knows enough about themselves to be introspective? But it's never really left my thoughts...I keep coming back to it, sometimes after months and months of it being quiescent. I think she was right...that she felt and stated simply a truth about my nature that I've warred with both consciously and not since I discovered girls. The truth is that I suck at relationships, for a couple reasons. One, I'm essentially a selfish person...I love companionship, so long as my partners share similar bents. I'm all for discovering new aspects of both myself and them, but veer too far off my own true North, and I'm gone. Two, I tend to compartmentalize my relationships with people, women moreso than any. Prior to meeting my wife, I had never had a truly intimate relationship with a woman. They were either very good friends of mine in whom I held no real sexual interest, or they were lovers that I enjoyed being with but never felt compelled to open up to. Anyhow, the point of this rambling diatribe is that I know where you're coming from...and I'm not telling you that from some matrimonial ivory tower. I love my wife very much, and after eight years our sex life remains satisfying...but it's a fight with my own nature to maintain it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it borders on the impossible...we're very similar in some respects, and immensely different in others. I believe I could handle what your lover told you, provided she was still friendly in the personal sense. But if it was purely a physical affair, with nothing felt deeper, even in the mildest sense...then I'd walk. Sex for me has never been solely about getting my rocks off...and I don't believe I could serve as a biological masturbatory device for any woman, either. |
| |
| | It is ironic, DW. but what it also does for me, is showing that we often take being honest as a license to not be as considerate as we should because we are well, honest. I think that even casual sex needs to have a small boundary around it, and there is no need to remind a person that they are only there to fulfill one purpose. I think it would kill my erotic feelings for a man if he was so nicely blunt, when I know good and damn well that all we have is sex between us. Some stuff does not need to be said. |
| |
| | Thanks guys. Very interesting. I think the problem is what I am asking. I have spoken with some friends here about this issue and I hope that they read this and recognise it. I want free range sex and intimacy but with no strings. I can't see that this has to lead to monogamy, yet everyone else seems to. She was telling me that she wants the sex but not the intimacy. The two go together for me in a sexual relationship. I am also very intimate with some friends, they don't expect me to forego all my other friends, yet if you throw sex into the mix, then somehow it is supposed to be different. Another strange coincidence. I met the garden shed girl for the first time in over twenty five years yesterday. Had we been somewhere else, the glint in her eye would have drawn me back. It's all in the eyes. |
| |
| |  Dw; Come and look in my eyes and you will see a woman who loves her men deeply and completely with full commitment (if thats what they want) and a desire to ensure that their needs and desires are fulfilled as fully as mine. I think it all comes down to good manners - when you share a cake or a pizza you always ensure everyone has an equal portion don't you? That is how a relationship should be. |
| |
| | It is, in many respects, the raising of girls to womanhood, it gives them the expectation that sex means love, and when they step into the pure sex arena they shut off the warm intimate side of themselves for fear that they will fall in love with you and get hurt (knowing full well that that would simply not do). They come across as brisk and cold, it is a defence mechanisim to hold you and any wayward feelings at bay by being very business like in their approach. It is a rare woman who can offer her body, all her warmth, fire and passion. Be a tender and considerate Lover and care about her partners pleasure without putting her heart on the line. Women, for what I have seen and my own stupid mistakes, are far too undiscerning when offering their hearts, even more so when the sex is good. I know from my own mistakes in this area, thinking "How can he possibly be so tender, so gentle and so concerned about my pleasure if he didn't love me?" A mistake that I have spent years recovering from. I do hope DW that this goes a small way towards answering some of your questions. |
| |
| | I do not believe that it is rare at all. If you offer an open heart, you will be surprised. |
| |
| |  Your right Drifterwood, believe it is not rare because, I myself a woman in my 40's who has never been married do offer my body, my warmth and all of my passion to the man I love. I offer my open heart and my love for the very first time in my life, unconditional. It's true I am totally vulnerable, However I completely understand it is my sacrifice. Perhaps, it's my maternal instincts and the first time I have accepted the love of a man much younger then myself. I'm willing to allow him to explore his own sexuality before I offer myself. Our bond is one of companionship as well as an emotional and physical attraction of intense depth. Our relationship has no strings attached. No monogamy is requested of him, it must happen through free will. He understands I do not engage in casual sex. For this reason I have pushed his planned physical encounters away. Still our grip on each other is amazingly powerful and continues to grow strong. There is no physical sex in the equation yet. I could have easily given him free range sex. I did not. I cherished him and would not give him less then he deserved in my eyes. According to his terms "he would not share me." I gave him my commitment that I will fill his need for him. His commitment to me was different. He wanted to return to me after he was through exploring his sexual journey. To take him back unconditionally and, I agreed, I had no strings on him, it's free will . I am much older, with enough experience to know he did not have his fair share of experience or full confidence to confront me eye to eye. I too was fearful of intimacy at the same time. As the object of his ultimate desire I was not yet approachable . I frustrated him and torment him, teased him without mercy for countless hours, that grew to days that became months. I owed him that much. He proved worthy and deserving of that and more. He proved he was willing to sacrifice for me. He kept my attention. He worked hard to keep me there, with practice runs subtly training me to take him back over and over. Wanting more of me all the time. I provided photos, the web cam, telephone. He always wanted more. I kept him hungry if not starving . Still over a year later he craves more ,an insatiable appetite to consume me. I created a beast. He would become wild. We would even fight with passion. Knowing how guilty I was I would beg his forgiveness. Making up each time more passionate then before. He never gave me the idea he just wanted to get his rocks off and walk. It is far deeper then that. He has opened up to me and closed himself as well, to protect me. He's in the military but, since day one we never allowed that to be an obstacle. The bottom line is, there are always times when one partner gives more . A player is superficial and can hardly hold a realistic sense of depth with a woman for long. That is a fairytale. I want monogamy and I have no need to nest. I want my man satisfied sexually, I can go ABC or XYZ with him but, in return I want monogamy. Most of all I want him to want it. |
| |
Recent Blog Entries by Drifterwood
- A sexuality journey (03-13-2008)
