When is an affair OK?

WOW!!!
What a lot of comments you got!!

It's amazing the different types of comments you get as a guy in this situation than as a girl in this situation.

My husband hasn't touched me for 14 years and I can assure you it's not his menopause..... and to be called a cheat in your situation, cos you need some sexual attention and initmacy is just from people who have no understanding of the place where you're at.

I have been asking myself the same question for some time and I know one day I shall just have to go and do it. Neither of us can continue to ignore ourselves and our bodies for the sake of a partner who will not go and seek an answer to their own problem. Their body is their responsibility, not ours. All we can do is what we have done to encourage them to seek that help.

I'm with you. Do what is right for you. I have thought long and hard about it and if I ever get luckier enough to find someone to do it with, I shan't feel guilty about it. Sad that it isn't with him, but not guilty.

Something occurred to me as I re-read the comments all of you where so gracious to make. I suspect that everyone here, probably every member of LPSG has a high libido. Would we be here if that were not the case? I don't think so. Do any of you have partners that have differing libidos...higher or lower? How do you handle that?

I know my libido is much greater than my wife's, but I cannot imagine life without her. Am I attracted to other women? Without a doubt. Do I feel guilt about this? Absolutely not. Does my wife guilt trip me? No. Hell she knows I administrate several glamour model's websites. I spend half my time looking at naked women.

Like cigarbabe said, guilt is a useless emotion and one that the Catholic church in the past has overused to great degree. I may be Catholic, but I feel like this about guilt:

Guilt is a luxury for the rich.

IknowKK has been fighting this battle and I am glad she posted. Whereas I believe 100% in fidelity and monogamous marriage, I embrace those who do not and even in some cases would advocate someone looking out for their needs over their spouses.

You guys have some long talks ahead and if she isn't willing to discuss sexual matters, it's going to be doubly hard.

I'm pulling for you friend.

Nicenycdick, To answer your last question re libido...I tried everything you are trying...it fell on deaf ears though disguised by "sincere" apologies, and promises which never came to fruition. Enough was enough. Why should I go unnoticed, unloved, untouched? I don't mean this in an egotistical way, but do you know how many men do a double take when I walk by? I feel I have wasted so much of myself waiting around for him to treat me how I deserve to be treated. I felt the same as you and tried, begged for counseling, seeing a doctor. I went to counseling. I went to my minister, and to my elders...you know what they told me when I told them he never touched me or that I felt he was wasting me, throwing my love away, that I felt dead inside because I had ceased to be me from all the years of his lack of attention? I must learn to die to myself and divorce was wrong...even though some of them were on their second marriages! I was shunned by them at church. I was furious and hurt by their hypocrisy. I told my husband of wanting to have an affair...I like you, threatened but never acted on it, I just kept believing it would get better...we had children and many years invested into our marriage. I came to the conclusion I would have to either accept it or leave. I couldn't tear my family apart so I decided to accept my fate. I was not looking for anything when I met him, but there he was...from the minute I met him I knew I was in trouble and his feelings toward me were equally strong. I fought it and eventually gave in to the much needed and wanted attention from a gorgeous man that I found myself falling in love with...and then there was no going back. I do not regret for one minute, my involvement with him...he moved away, I wasn't ready and he knew that. My husband(ex) and I still live together because we are friends and are going to sell the house and get on with life...I've never told my husband because it would hurt him on some level and because he would not understand. If he couldn't understand or care enough about my desperation when I confronted him about our relationship, how could he ever understand this? I am still in love with the other man and hope for at least a try at a real future...time will tell. I guess what I am trying to say is that you, and you alone, know what is right for you and you should not feel guilty for wanting to be acknowleged. You need to decide.

Hi all,
I was googling this question and found this highly intelligent and compassionate conversation and I am so thankful. I am in (almost) the exact situation as nice. And my wife has the same combination of hormonal and catholic issues. She is not as reluctant to discuss the situation though, and she feels infinitely guilty for depriving me. In addition, she is seeking medical help, not necessarily for the sexual reasons, but for general health improvement (weight gain, depression, etc that thyroid and diabetes cause).

I have discussed the situation with her and she has often given obligatory sex, though not in quite a while. Even when things were better sexually (many years ago) it was still only occasional. We have an otherwise amazing relationship. And physically we kiss and cuddle and spoon and hug and hold hands and people think we are still newlyweds even after 14 years of marriage.

But here's the issue: because of her religious/societal repressions, she would never condone my stepping outside of the marriage. She never had a big sex drive and marriage is marriage (as many of you have pointed out - and to which I mostly agree) and she shares the black and white view that any sexual contact with someone not your spouse is wrong. Heck, she doesn't even like those people who kiss on the lips to say hello to a friend.

In addition, she really does feel bad about not taking care of me in that way (and to her credit has - in the past - been a trooper) so my going outside the marriage would be a huge personal failure to her.

So bringing up the conversation of my getting physical relief elsewhere would break her heart. Telling her that I am actually considering it would hurt her so badly it would kill me. We HAVE had discussions where she has asked me if I've considered it and I have told her it has crossed my mind. But to tell her that I am actually considering it would definitely be too much.

I am so thankful for this thread because after reading everyone's thought's I have made my choice to pursue sexual relief. For myself, frankly, I don't see it as any different than a boy's or girl's night out or going to see a movie by ourselves that the other not interested in (things that we both do happily).

But I understand, appreciate, and respect my wife's feelings and in this case I believe - as long as she does not know about it - it will greatly help our marriage. We all know how positively good (or even mediocre) sex can affect our attitudes and stress levels.

For those who would be fast to judge I want to point out that I have been happy enough masturbating for the greater part of 14 years, going as much as 8 months without having sex (mechanical and uninspired though it may be). We have also tried counseling and doctors etc. This is not a decision made lightly or in any kind of haste.

The only wrong in the scenario is the hurt that MIGHT be caused. I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and just as I would protect her from anyone who would try to hurt her, I will do everything in my power to protect her from this and ensure she does not know about it. I will make sure she reaps the benefits of it by no longer being tense and frustrated and no longer resisting non-sexual physical closeness for fear of arousal. I will be happier and therefore be able to make her happier. I will be an even better husband (and like nice I'm already a pretty durn good one).

Thank you all again for this.

Peace & Love & Happy New Year to you all.

Contact me offline -- pussyfan@comcast.net. I'll give you the lowdown on cheating. I've just been through it.