Revenge is sweet . . .

So, my roommate Noah & I share an apartment. His room has no shared wall with another tennant. Mine, alas, does.

That would be OK if the guy who lives next door didn't have his bed against the wall that we share, as do I. With the way the rooms are set up, you have to have a bed against that wall or you can't walk around in the room, much less open the sliding glass window onto the patio area.

And this guy has a . . . very active sex life. Yeah, yeah . . . good for him & all that shit. But when his headboard thumps against our shared wall at 2am when I'm tryin' to sleep (I get up at 5 to lift), it kinda chaps my hide. And when that headboard thumps our shared wall at 2am on successive nights for weeks on end, it chaps me raw. And bleeding.

Now, I've met this neighbor of ours a number of times. I've spoken to him at length a few times. He's a nice sort of chap, really, & I have nothing against him. He's a baseball fan, so he can't be all bad (unless he likes the Dodgers, in which case he'd be Satan). His sex life (or what I hear of it through the wall - no, I do not put my ear to said wall) doesn't turn me on nor am I jealous of it (the guy only lasts about 15 minutes - seriously, I've timed it . . . repeatedly). I just wants me my sleep, man! (I've always been partial to my sleep - I plead guy.) When either Noah or I see this guy, he always give us a sort of knowing look & a pussy-eating grin that says, "I'm getting laid & . . . you're hearing all about it! Nyaa-nyaa!!"

So this last week, I finally hit my wall. (Figuratively speaking.) I had to do something to get this guy to knock it off. I didn't want to knock on his door & ask him to be more considerate - he's the kind of guy who obviously fancies himself a ladies man & good in the sack - as much as a guy who gets laid every night & still only lasts 15 minutes can be good in the sack . . . Hell, I first got laid when I had just turned 19 (I'm a May baby) & she & I kept it up all that Summer. Pretty quick I started lasting well over 15 minutes. And this girl wouldn't have put up with anything less, either. Anyway, I couldn't just go up to him & say, "Hey, neighbor! Would you mind not making hot love so enthusiasticaly to the point that it infringes on my man-sleep every night of every week? Please . . . with sugar?" How much of a dope would I sound like? Besides, I thought, it would be much better to humiliate him!

So, I called a couple of girls I know from my acting days who are always up for a laugh & told them the situation. They agreed to my plan.

We stayed up late on Friday night, after having all had early evening naps for the long night ahead of us, & drank some really good wine (a Peachy Canyon Zin) & waited. We heard my neighbor arrive home with his date du jour at about 1:45. A few minutes later, the telltale thump in my bedroom announced his 15 minutes of fame with this particular girlie had begun. (The boy is frugal with his sex time, I'll give him that.) After they were done, we started. No, I did not bang both girls. But, being the acting majors we 3 are, we faked it.

For 3 hours.

Anything you can imagine would be said in such a 3-some we said at least once. It was, at least to our ears, very convincing. About an hour into our festivities, we heard his front door open & close, just short of a slam. One of the girls went to check to see his girlie had departed, looking very pissed-off & embarrassed. He did not even walk her to her car. He remained in his apartment. Whatta guy!

We kept it up for the full 3 hours, trying our best not to fall apart into fits of laughter.

I didn't see my neighbor until just yesterday. We were both entering our apartments & I looked him right in the eye &, with a cocky look & a pussy-eating grin, said, "How're you doin' man!" He muttered something. I said, all jovial, "Hey, ya know what? I think our bedrooms are right next to each other!" He looked back sheepishly but with an air of awe. His jaw dropped like I've only ever seen in old cartoons. He smiled wanly & muttered something again then rushed into his apartment.

I laughed for hours!

The best part? I haven't heard the guy boink since last Friday. So . . . I'm offically declaring victory!

How sweet it is, my brothers & sisters. How sweet it is!