The Thing That Should Not Be

I've been debating with myself if I should write this or not, but I've come to the conclusion that I should let it out and ask for some kind of assistance even if it is on an Internet forum.

I know that my problems aren't exactly new, and probably I've made them sound worse than they are, but bear with me please.

I'm not a very social person, I shy away from gatherings of people, I guess it is because of some kind of fear, a fear that I don't know how to handle. However, it is not a phobia, if I absolutely have to put myself in that sort of situation I brave on, is just that I prefer not to do so, but the problem is that I am yearning for contact, a true friend, a true love, anything, so I got this conflict inside my head where I really really really want something, but I don't really want, or am too afraid, or shy to get it.

I don't really have any self-esteem, ever since I was 13, I almost never talked during my school years, I was afraid of fellow students, specially since lots of them were brutal. I remember at 14 I got ambushed and got the shit kicked out of me, after this girl told me that she wanted to meet me after school on an empty field near the school. After that I went into a reclusive state, and became very angry and bitter, now at 21 (soon-to-be 22) I'm not so much that guy, but still I got some remnants of it.

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that I'm a virgin, and haven't kissed or even held hands with a woman before. Now, I'm not only seeking for sex, I guess I have to take everything in baby steps, I'm seeking a companion, some one I can trust and not worry too much around, I want to be trusted too. I know most people look for it, but most people have some basis on how to get that, I don't know anything, and is really frustrating, I don't really want to feel like unwanted ugly vermin anymore.

I should stop know, thanks if you read the whole thing.

I would suggest you go see a counselor. They can help you work through your feelings, and work on your self-esteem. You can get better. Don't give up.

Go to a gym, and do some sports which will raise your self-esteem.

Seeking therapy might be an embarrassing thing at first but it helps a lot.

take a piece of paper...
write down everything that's good about yourself that you can think of...
it can be the smallest thing, like "i have nice hair" or anything...

once you have that list...read it every day...and believe it...

that will help build your confidence...

confidence is an attractive thing...

once you establish it, you will begin to attract others...

Life is all about challenges and goals. You should make a simple small goal for yourself and try to accomplish it. Something easy that you like. Like avg_joe said if you aren't a gym guy then something that you enjoy doing that will also help you to feel better about YOU!
And definately talk to a counselor someone who will help you. If you are unsure where to start or how to find one. Check with the local library they have tons of resources. Heck you might even find a good book there to help you out.

a therapist would be a great thing for you...someone you can tell anything to...and they are someone outsode that is completely objective...

Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness.

However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject.

Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it.

Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other.

Pick small things and get good at them. For example, get really good at...

-- opening doors for girls
-- saying hello to strangers (start with guys if you're nervous)

Meanwhile, pick a sport and do it several times a week, and work to get really good at it.

MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about.

This will help you boost your social graces with women.

Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!


_ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ..

. _ .. .. _ _ . _ . _ . _

(that's Morse code for "good luck")

All of the above is good advice. If you take it, you win. If you ignore it, you lose.

Being tricked by the girl and getting the daylights beat out of you would be traumatic.

I have to take exception to Not Punny's comment that therapy is only for serious trauma and/or actual mental illness.
In reality, people who are seriously mentally ill rarely benefit from "talk therapy." Conversely, people who have persistent, repetitive problems and challenges in human relationships often benefit most, partly because the theraeutic relationship can provide a new experience of acceptance and insight that generalizes out to other relationships.
It's a very short step from saying that therapy is for mentally ill people to saying that people who are in therapy are mentally ill. This stigmatizes a service that can often be very beneficial and those who avail themselves of it.
Dave

Thanks for your responses, all of you.

I have to say that I've been to one counselors and one psychologist before, the shrink was in Venezuela, before moving to Canada when I was 18, he wasn't of much help, the counselor here gave me a what the fuck look when I told him of something in particular, and that put me off, and stopped going. I don't think I'll be going to one of these guys anytime soon. Finally the doc gave me pills, and they made me a bit better, but I guess they were too late because I got kicked out of the University anyways.

So I guess this is something I have to work out by myself...I don't go the gym, but I have a bunch of free weights and resistance bands and work out in my house with them, and I'm finally buying a new guitar, I had to leave my old one, so my skills are lacking but hopefully I can regain them, and maybe be in a band, I always wanted to be in a band.

morse...feeling sorry for you...you feel sorry for you...maybe we all do...but get a hold of yourself...life can be full of good and bad...roll with it...get some help...all of the above is great info...enjoy life....most of us have lived thru much worse things...you will too...to are a good looking fella...trust yourself to be the man you want to be...you can do it...you owe to yourself..your family to be a man and enjoy what men need and deserve..please seek help...writing your story is first step...to the rest of your life...we are rooting for you dude..

Therapy is for people with severe trauma and ACTUAL mental illness. - Wrong, it is for anyone who needs a person who can decode the mystery of the mind to guide them!!

However, self esteem is a PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT issue, which is an entirely different subject. Yes and No - what we do not know is childhood development. This is a blanket statement and one if the history of his family is negative could be harmful to advise.

Self esteem is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to develop it. AMEN!!

Confidence and competence go together hand-in-glove. Develop one and you automatically develop the other. Not too sure I can agree 100% on this, but I see what you are trying to say, and I have to say very good!!

MEANWHILE, volunteer somewhere to work with children. You'll bump into a LOT of women that way, and with kids around, there will always be something to talk about. To do volunteer work with the youth in hopes of meeting Mom is a poor reason to spend time with kids! How about a social group for singles???

This will help you boost your social graces with women.

Remember, this isn't a mental illness -- this is an area you can EXERCISE and DEVELOP!!

I think what you are trying to say is awesome and to a degree I concur, but mental health is very complex and to give advice must be done so as to encourage those to seek a therapist who can reveal all the issues that may be attached.

Please know I am not trying to start an issue, just I work in healthcare and I see some really sad things because folks do ask for help....and to be honest nothing could be better for ones self esteem then saying I can't do this alone!!

I'm not sure if this is real or not. For someone so good looking, I would imagine that your social calendar would be full.

With that being said, I do have some experience with the same thing and found that working out was a blessing. I started to go to classes at the local YMCA. I was very overweight and low self esteem. I actually walked out of the first step class because I couldn't keep up. The second and third too. But I keep trying. I also started to lift. I never met anyone the fist few months, but after seeing regulars there all the time I got used to seeing them.
I did finally make some friends there after being approached after a class. It was a guy that said "you have really started to make headway" and we keep talking ever since (just Friends)
It's a start.
Just thought my past my help