Out of lurkerdom to ask a question

I know I haven't been around for a long time, haven't really had time to post with school and home studies, among other things. I've returned here to ask a question of the ladies, a sort of open form survey.

This question applies to feminine members of a relationship(not specifically females).

It often comes in a relationship or argument where the feminine will say "You just don't understand". Whether it's true or not is not my question. My question is thus:

In these situations, what are some things you want or think the masculine should understand?

Please explain each particular thing you list, and please don't dumb it down, explain to the best detail you feel is necessary to convey the concept.

Masculine are welcome to post responses.

You may as well ask how long a piece of string is. What 'we' want you to understand would surely depend on what you are discussing at the time the statement is made. Perhaps you could outline what was being discussed, your respective stances and then us poor women might a chance of giving you an answer.

There is a language barrier that is preventing me from entirely understanding this question. Maybe i need it dumbed down. I am starting to feel like LPSG is where straight men come to solve all their problems with females.

Not sure if I'm on the right track here, but broadly, women tend to think/relate in empathic mode and men tend to be more systematic in their thoughts/relationships.

If someone tells me of a problem they're having, as a man my instinct is to suggest possible solutions. But I have learned that women especially are not always seeking answers, but want empathy/sympathy/comforting - and the word they often use for that is "understanding".

Well the poor dears need somewhere, lol!

Bombarded at a young age with unrealistic media images of women and men. Feeling obliged to project themselves as macho to their mates. Labeled as "gay" if they expose their sensitive side. Having to deal with women with more sexual experience than in the past. Maybe it's not so easy to be a straight man nowadays.

And they have to learn how to sexually satisfy someone with a different body and set of genitals to what they have - that's a challenge!

Dr. Deborah Tannen wrote an excellent book about this topic back in the early '90's called "You Just Don't Understand! Women and Men in Conversation."

I think we're in the Women Venus, Men Mars world here. "You just don't understand" is frequently a universal sentiment though when someone doesn't support your opinion - teenagers are known to use it on occasion, too.

That was an amazing book!

Well, this isn't just a "guy looking to solve problems with women", I've posed the inverse of this question to men within the relationship forum as well. I'm not looking for any particular answer, just occurrences within the general category of "You just don't understand", or other similar situations during arguments.
There's certainly a language/communication barrier, but just saying that there is one does nothing to fix that problem. This question is along similar lines to Mars/Venus, yes, as I'm doing minor surveying and research in my spare time for something I have planned in the future.


So please allow me to rephrase the question:

What are some different things you'd like the opposite sex(or mate) to understand about your gender's society? Please explain anything you list.


Note: There are of course always exceptions to a society, but I plan on covering those on a case-by-case basis at a later time.

Speaking from a personal POV I think that I have used the "You Just Don't Understand" when I am talking to my other half about something that requires him to think emotionally rather than logically. Some men (a lot?) suffer from an inability to think with their heart rather than their head and I would use the phrase when I am exhausted from trying to explain something that requires him to think emotionally.

Some people may possibly use it when they feel their point isn't being conveyed correctly, or when their other half doesn't agree with them.

Ahhh relationships, gotta love 'em!

Your request for information is still too vague to elicit any real responses here. We would need a specific scenario in order to offer a specific response. May I suggest you start by reading the two books suggested in this thread by drdna and surfergirlCA? They are both very good when it comes to explaining the whole 'you don't understand' issue as well as why it occurs. Unless, of course, you can think of a specific scenario (i.e. a conversation) that you wish to outline for our consideration.

That's because the request isn't for specific responses. You're looking a little too deeply into answering correctly or appropriately. I deliberately left it vague because I'm looking examples of various occurrences from the personal experiences of different individuals which fit within the general topic. Casting a wide net, so to speak. If I were to outline a specific scenario or conversation as you suggest, it would not be an example from direct experience, but instead a critique of said scenario. Surely you have something you can contribute, Runco. Any situation where a language or understanding barrier has presented itself, and an explanation of your point of view and the situation in which the barrier occurred falls under a usable response for my question.

I don't think I do have anything useful to contribute here - sorry. It would take far too long to outline the situation and my thoughts - far more time (and energy) than I have to spare. My advice is read the books.

Actually, I have come up with a couple of things. One is the age old chestnut - women hate it when men leave the toilet seat up. For men it isn't a big deal but for most women it is a pet hate, particularly if she is living with the man. Whole quarrels can spring out of that one toilet seat being left up. Men view it as just a toilet seat and what is the problem? Women will say you don't understand because they view it as men not considering their needs. A man can use a toilet sitting or standing. A woman has to sit. For us, the best position for a toilet seat to meet both our needs is the down position. Men don't think about things like that. In other words, a man is not thinking about his partner when he leaves the toilet seat up. He is only thinking about himself. There can be other examples of this sort of behaviour - a man who leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and then complains that he has nothing clean to wear; a man who doesn't clean the bath after he uses it; a man who performs various bodily functions in front of his woman; cutting nails and leaving the clippings lying around. And so on. Women go mad when men do things like this because 99% of the time a woman will not do this to a guy and they hate a) being taken for granted and b) the complete lack of consideration such actions indicate a man is giving his partner.

Another is where guys stop trying to romance women. When guys want to go out with a woman, they will woo her with sweet words, take her out for meals, bring her flowers and all the rest of it. They will find all kinds of things to talk to her about. When they take her to bed the first few times, they will go out of their way to please her. When they have won the woman, all that goes out of the window. A guy will sometimes turn into a walrus and behave as though a woman should consider herself lucky that she has landed him. Meanwhile, the woman will be thinking 'what happened?'. Sex becomes perfunctory and primarily to please the man (rather than the woman who is sometimes left frustrated). Communication can become grunts (at best). Worse, guys start doing things like farting when their woman is in the room or not washing for days on end. It is like once they bag the woman their work is done! Most women will carry on grooming themselves, showering, dressing in nice clothes and wanting to cook nice things. When they don't get the same amount of effort from their mate, that leads to resentment and the whole 'you don't understand' messages.

I don't... most of my problems is with my right hand.... kinda like an emotional carpel-tunnel!