Has anyone here had a mid life crisis?

I'm always amazed when I hear talk radio when a caller sounds like she's 35 just in the way she talks and what she says - but turns out to be 65. Happens more times than I can count.

BTW - Good to see ya back Speedo.

Isn't having a kid a pretty expensive distraction enough?

Charles Manson? Scooter Libby?

The laws of inertia apply to people as well? Bodies in rest tend to stay at rest and bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. The passing of time for me isn't constant. It actually goes faster when I'm busy and active and slower when I'm bored and inactive.

Would you want your candle of life to burn twice as bright but last half as long or burn half as bright but live twice as long?

Thankee, earl. U2.

Not really very expensive but I like how vince phrased it: moved me out of my comfort zone. There's really something to be said for that. Part of the decision to adopt a child was, in fact, self preservation.

Call me mundane and boring, many have, but I actually prefer the twice as long option. I've always been afraid the twice as bright option would slip by just too fast.

Yes, the hours pass more slowly when you are bored and inactive. But if I look back on say, a week in which I did nothing much, it's like it never happened. A total waste of time.

For example. Go on a two week all-inclusive holiday to Mexico. You just get up in the morning, have breakfast, go to the beach all day, have a nice dinner, maybe go dancing and then to bed. Do it every day and never leave the hotel. It's going to be boring as shit after one week and at the end you'll go home saying, 'man that was too short' and feeling like you may as well of stay home. At least that was my experience.

One the other hand if you rented a car, drove around the country, got stopped and search by the Federales, visited Chichén-Itzá, got lost in Mexico City, etc, etc, it wouldn't be boring. You pack more living into a given period of time and it feels extended afterwards.

I don't agree with the premise, but in answer, I'd rather my candle burn brightly for half as long, than die bored. Boredom is a sure fire way to go down quickly. I've known healthy people who die five years after retirement. I've also known people who continue to work or be very active and live into their 90's in pretty good health. I have a good friend who is 89 and works daily on his business. He says the day he stops is the day he dies.

Fuck going slowly slowly.

I had my midlife crisis right before my 25th birthday. I have always been advanced for my age, such a gifted child I was.

I had been a maid-of-honor twice and bridesmaid once in an eight month span of time. One friend had a baby and another had recently gotten a promotion at work and a major raise.

I was still living with my parents, working a full time and part time job to pay off credit card debts, and when I looked at my life in comparison to others I didn't like what I saw. I was in a dead end job, I had an on again off again boyfriend and O had no prospects for a better life or the things I really wanted like a husband and children. So, I applied to a local state college where I completed my bachelors degree.

I also had a kick ass party. I used to believe in drowning ones sorrows in champagne back then so the party was really a coping mechanism for me.

My midlife crisis is occurring as I write this. I lost my job two years ago, have spent my life savings down to nearly nothing, and have wondered why I'm terrified of doing what everyone else says I can do. The mail goes ignored, my bills go unpaid, I'm living with my father at age 42, and yet I'm paralyzed by fear of attempting to do anything else. Even with the support and love of the people I hold closest to me who are certain I can achieve far more than I ever have, I feel inadequate for even a retail cashier job. I'm pretty close to rock bottom, wondering when the repo guys will come for my car. A friend even handed me an opportunity to make a LOT of money and yet I haven't done anything with it for fear that it won't work out.

My self-esteem has always sucked. No two ways about that. My father is abusive and largely a stranger to me, my mom is controlling and neurotic. I smoked pot through most of high school and college, flunking out of the latter so I don't have a college degree even now despite the fact I have a very high IQ. Compared to most college graduates I'm over-educated, most of it autodidactic.

I'm a man controlled by fear and the sense that whatever I do will result in failure. Despite that awareness, I can't seem to overcome it and the more I refuse my abilities, the safer I feel. It's so much easier to go just another day ignoring the increasing pile of things I need to address, and it's only because I don't want to be seen to fail at something yet again. Right now I have a handful of people who seem to be able to influence me. When my mom or my sister or nearly everyone tells me I can do something, I smile and nod and assume they're just saying what they are because they're obligated to. The two or three others who have no such familial obligation I do listen to and they make all the difference. They help me fight my extreme tendency to inertia and for that I'm thankful to the point of genuflection. No man deserves such friends as I have who have given of themselves so much for so little in return. One of those people wrote me recently saying he was concerned. I haven't had the heart to tell him the truth.

I'd like kids, I'd like to have love, I'd like a house, I'd like savings, I'd like to afford some nice things in life. Increasingly it appears I'll have none of those things, not because I'm incapable of them, but because I believe I'm incapable of them. My objective mind tells me there's nothing in the way yet the subjective mind has such degree of control that my attempts to break it have failed.

Yet I don't seem to mind hitting bottom all that much. It appears to be the only way to force myself to be the man everyone says I'm capable of being. Either I will succeed in this attempt or I will fail finally. I hope it will be the former.

You are a dear and kind man Davey. You've got Paul, a slice of paradise, and a burgeoning business. Please listen when I say that all that's worthwhile in the world is to have some security and some excellent friends who will stand witness to your worth in the world. It's really all it comes down to. I'm biased because I'm a pastoral person by nature. I went out to pee off the porch tonight and marveled at the delicate tracery of the trees against the sky, the sound of raindrops, the delightful scent of milkweed blossoms, and the spectacularly beautiful, exceptionally precious light of fireflies shining into the night. I had a friend from Idaho visit me two years ago and I took him down to the stream to show him the fireflies and he thanked me for it far beyond any other hospitality I showed him. Don't lose sight of the marvels of the world surrounding you. They are remarkably important.

There is nothing more important in this world than to love and be loved, Davey. There really isn't. It's all we can hope for and from all accounts of the final hours of those who have passed before us, is all that matters. It's an unremarkable realization, yet one that escapes so many people until the very end.

Be happy Davey, for you are loved.

Oh and this

My grandfather was temporarily in a nursing home because he broke his arm at 93. He was in his private room with his private nurse and heard a knock at the door. The nurse rose to answer it and while she was busy, my grandfather saw his late mother and two late sisters outside the window of his room. They were waving to him and the sight filled him not with dread, but with happiness. He recalled that they all appeared far younger than he remembered. My grandfather had once said that he believed, despite going to church many years, that, "...when you're dead you're dead and that's it." Less than two weeks later my grandmother told the aide she had to go to the hospital to visit my grandfather. She awoke her nurse and ordered the nurse to take her to the hospital. When she arrived, my grandfather who had faded rapidly since his vision, awoke from his coma and greeted my grandmother. She professed her undying love for him and with just that, he died moments later. I'm a man of science, I don't believe in supernatural things. I believe that my grandparents had a connection, married over 75 years, that science cannot yet explain. Someday science will explain it, yet however it does, nothing will match the dignity of privilege that love holds over any formula or theorum.

Burn the candle however it feels is right for you. Our time here is short by any means. If you can die without regrets, you'll die happy.

By grace and providence, I have been blessed beyond any measure and I marvel at the quality of extraordinary people I have been privileged to hold me in any regard. One of them is here.

When I die, my first night in heaven will be spent at the table of Thomas Jefferson at his Monticello-In-The-Sky. After that, I'm anybody's guest.

A wise man once said-
"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Jason. Thanks for that post. It took courage to write and hits close to home.

My oldest brother has gone through much the same life experience as you. At 59 he is divorced, with no money, many debts and few prospects. Some how he carries on. His children love him and he has support from the rest of the family. He is also a genius. He is very clever mentally and with his hands. The guy can build or repair anything.

I believe that his problem stems from the fact that he was very close to our father and worked with him well into adulthood. Dad always favored him and in his heart knew he was a special guy. But he always wanted him to do better. He was constantly on his case about doing better and would tell him that he was wrong in his thoughts and actions. They would have some really very horrible verbal clashes. I think a lifetime of hearing this killed my brother's confidence in himself. He believes he will fail and is afraid of trying.

I was getting the same shit from Dad, but said 'fuck this shit' and left. I figure that if I try and fail, so what? What's worst that can happen? I'm not going to die and I don't give a damn what others think. It's the same in sales or trying to get a job. What's the worst they can say? No? It doesn't hurt me and it is their loss.

Beverly Sills said, "You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."
(I've collected dozens of these quotes. I call them 'Words to live by' )


I don't presume to tell you what to do. I can only put in my two cents worth and wish you luck.

Thanks Vince

I see a parallel there. Early in my life my father had uncontrollable rages which he took out on me, frequently for perceived slights I didn't intend. Other times he'd just get angry about life and take it out on me. Then he'd feel guilty for it and overcompensate by trying to fix everything for me. Whatever I'd attempt, he'd get involved and take over to make it better than I could. He still does this to this day. I dread talking to him about anything because I know he'll try to dominate it. My last attempt at starting a business resulted in him thinking of the name of it, making business cards, getting telephone numbers, printing cards, filing the DBA, just everything! It left me feeling superfluous and inadequate. We are extremely different people in just about every way though extremely similar in how we think. That makes for enormous difficulties in common communication and appreciation. I'm trying very hard to unlearn my previous patterns of behavior. Just catching them and changing my behavior in that light is very difficult because what I do seems so instinctual I don't realize I'm doing it. Replacing those behaviors with new and healthy ones is even more difficult because I don't always know what the healthy behaviors are. I'm like a child that way and it's immensely embarrassing at my age.

I wish the very best for your brother and thank you for sharing his experience with me. It's heartening to know I'm not alone out there. I am obliged to your kindness.

One other thing about my grandfather:

I forgot to mention that when the nurse opened the door there was nobody there.

True story, on my soul.

Loved the stories, jason, and all of the other ones that folks have been sharing.

I don't see the Mid-Life Crisis as a 'crisis' really. More as an opportunity, a wake-up call to look at your life and see if you are where you want to be.

I really don't have a problem with a guy buying Ferrari's, getting young girl friends...etc. It might be that these are things he's always wanted to but never gave himself the permission. Some of us just aren't as confident to do those things that we want, instead trapping ourselves in places we 'think' we're supposed to go or to be.

For example, I've always wanted a tattoo but remember saying 'what will people say about me' and 'what will I look like when I'm older'. Well, now I AM older and I don't give a fuck what people think. Can you think of a better time to get a tatt? At least now I can enjoy it (actually 'it' is a 'them'...they've blossomed all over my bod).

Once you realise that you are worth every good thing in life, then the crisis kinda goes away.

I am lucky to have a partner that loves me and puts up with my foibles just as I do the same. I am lucky to have a family that truly loves me and that I can laugh with till my face hurts whenever I'm lucky enough to be around them. I have worked hard to find a passion in my career that very few of my friends have. And I am extremely excited to be a horny, passionate fucker that loves to spend sweaty, nasty, cum-filled time with the men in my life.

So if that's a crisis, bring it on, bitch!

This is technically, as John Mayer coined, a "quarter life crisis."

Jason--thanks, again, for being one of the most open and honest members of the board. Your ability to reveal yourself here so that we may all learn is amazing. Big hugs to you, handsome!

I too had a midlife crisis at the age of 37. Had a great husband 3 fab kids family all around me, didnt need to work I was one of those ladies that lunched. I had a small part time job just to fill my time when the kids were at school, i also went to the gym 7 days a week - as i had put on loads of weight - the weight began to fall off & in doing so it made me feel more desirable & boosted my confidence, men other than my husband found me attractive which was a novelty. After about 3 months of gym etc i had reached my goal, but cos of the attention i was getting i felt i was being stifled within the marriage as i thought the marriage was dead so thought the grass was greener on the other side.
I did meet someone else, divorced my husband & lived with this guy for 10yrs & put all the weight back on, he was a mean, selfish & a total womaniser for which i divorced him for 2yrs ago, I lost all of my self confidence & had very low self esteem.
Since then ive shed all the weight again met a fab guy who helped me tremendously & life is great.

The moral of the story is life isnt greener on the other side, but sometimes u need a reality check to bring u to your senses.

Make a life change, go on a round the world cruise, change your job, move house etc, an affair isnt the answer nor is shagging everything that moves, but dont what ever u do think u are bigger than the situation u are in. Try & work it out with the person u are with or seek professional help

I think my mid life crisis has come and gone. I was 35 when my husband left and was forced to quit school, sell my beloved house, work a number of jobs just to get by, endure an expensive divorce, find out who my real friends were, lose a family I had come to love, but the worst part was the loss of belief in myself. I felt as though a rug were pulled out from underneath me and I had no control over my own life whatsoever. Everything that gave me confidence had suddenly disappeared.

I became something of a hermit for a while. I avoided relationships for a long time and relied only on my family and few close friends. After much therapy and soul-searching, I realised that my situation was not the result of anything I did wrong, something I worried about for a long time. Once my ex confirmed this suspicion one evening, I began the healing process. Took a couple years but i'm making the life i've always wanted for myself, slowly but surely.

As painful as those years were, I wouldn't change a thing about my past. I wouldn't be who I am now without them.

As someone who faced death several times at an early age, I have lived my life as the twice as bright candle.

There is no guarantee of tomorrow. I chose to start making a difference in the lives of others when I was 13. I've almost died 3 times in the last 6.5 years. I have no regrets about not doing more in my life.

Maybe, if you focused on making a change in the lives of wounded people, you'd find your life more fulfilling, and not be concerned about time slipping away.

I dont think that really is a midlife crisis. I think that can happen at any age as you just expressed. I think we have a number of these "How am I doing?" moments throughout our lives. I also think comparing your life path with that of friends and family can only lead to additional low self esteem. THink about all the time you wouldnt have wasted worrying about the husband and children if you had known you would still be single at this point. I know I had to get to that point as well.

hell yeah, I'd call living the cold war all over again a mid life crisis.