Depression

Skull Mason, although I agree with what some other people said about the reality and severity of clinical depression--that type of depression needs medical and psychological treatment--I also agree with much of what you said. I am definitely much too closely identified with my flaws, weaknesses, fears, anxieties, jealousies, loneliness, past wounds, my job, my relationship to my employer, etc., etc. That voice in my head talks when I go to bed (another reason why I put off going to bed); he's an arrogant, unforgiving bastard, he never stops complaining and criticizing, and I wish he'd shut the hell up.


Hmmm...I thought I was goint to say more in response to some of the things others have said, but I have reconsidered. I may have more to say later.

lol i know what u mean

This is a prime example of a me my and I story. You mention I or my more than 40 times in that post. You are bringing with you a story that starts when you had social anxiety and low self esteem as a child. Why is that still with you? And then you have gone on to talk about everything that you believe makes you feel the way you do today. Add everything together and you got a depressed you. But all of that is just a story, made up by your unconscious self, your ego, and your emotions. I I I I I. That is all your ego. Your ego is identifying like crazy with anything negative in your life. Of course the cycle of low self esteem and loneliness gets worse. You have become that story! It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

That story of you is not who you are. You are just describing it in words using judgements made by your ego and its emotions and emotional reactions to events in your prior story. It is not you now. If you carry the burden from your past you are doomed. Separate yourself from that story, from your ego. Be aware that all those I's and my's are not who or what you are. In fact, you can not describe who you are in words, nor can you believe who you are, because then you are associating who you are with content, and that is not your Being.

And since it seems that one must add some credibility to their post in this thread to be taken seriously, yes, I have been seriously, and clinically depressed.

When I was 12 I watched my father die right in front of me after a year of slowly dying from a glioblastoma in the brain. I watched my once big and strong father turn into a dead body on his bed. I then had to suffer through living with my mother and what she became after my father died. My brothers had moved away and it was just me and her and my life was very tumultuous over the next 10 years or so, bearing the brunt of a woman widowed and suffering from serious depression.

Then in my senior year of college I was in a near fatal car accident (they had to revive me in the helicopter on the way to the trauma center), that left me with a traumatic brain injury, broken vertebrate in my neck, broken shoulder blades, a broken rib, and an ear ripped off. Not to mention severe neck lacerations from front to back and cuts along my jaw as the skin along my jaw line split from the impact.

I spent the next few months in and out of hospitals with neck braces and surgeries to repair things on me. I feel into a darkness that was indescribable. I began to cry at completely random times, that would last for hours on end. I couldn't remember who my friends were, what I did the day before, what I was supposed to do that day. I didn't sleep. Night after night would turn into day after day. I would assume I watched the sun rise from my bed 99% of the time during the following 6 months, if not longer.

I walked around like a zombie. I got put on medications. People who knew me and loved me before suddenly did not know how to act towards me and I began to feel like an outlander. I became withdrawn. I lost my social skills. I lost my ability to think in a cohesive manner and my brain injury, bodily injuries, and current situation in life began to pile up. I had few people to help me. No father, an insane, manipulative, sad woman [gripped by the ego no less] for a mother, and friends who thought I was a freak, at least in my eyes they did. But their attitudes definitely changed towards me.

To make my very long story short, this has continued on since. I have healed in many ways, but yet scars of my past still haunt me. Memory is still an issue. Almost daily blinding migraines are common. Locking my keys in the car is a weekly occurrence. Since the accident, and to be honest long before that, my mind has been searching for answers. Constantly analyzing myself and my feelings:

Why am I the way I am? Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to lose my ear and brain and essentially who I was, after I already lost part of that when my father died? Why do I have to come from a poor family, and still deal with having my father die and this car accident that has robbed me of who I am? What I am gonna do now? How am I going to live? How am I going to make a living so I can survive in this world and I can make a living when I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning?

I bought into that story of me. That was how I defined myself.

These thoughts plagued me for years, and it is only until recently, and yes, with the help of eckhart tolle, and not The Power of Now as I never read that, but his other book, A New Earth, that my eyes began to open up. I realized that all the thinking and analyzing (psychology major and was looking to go into that profession) was actually the complete opposite of what I needed. I had had premonitions of what he speaks of concerning the egoic mind, but I could never quite figure it out. I was on to something as at times after my accident I felt more conscious than I had before it, but it was like a dog chasing it's tail, as my ego did not want to let me figure it out.

Upon reading what he had to say I began to feel layers of ego peel off my body. Tears almost ran down my cheeks, because I have become aware. I am conscious now. I am at peace with any situation I am in, life or death. None of that story of me, for which I have carried with me during my life and especially during the last 3 years since my accident, has ANY bearing whatsoever on who I truly am. I am not some survivor who is suffering because of his past anymore. I don't have a life or a story, I am life.

I am present and here because that is all I have and all I ever will have. The past is gone and the future can never happen until it is actually here.

There is a reason it seems that some think his book can be 10 pages long because he just "reiterates" the same things. The more you read through it the more it makes sense to you, the more it becomes you, instead of your ego telling you what it thinks about what you are reading. Beware of your ego as your read it.

Skullmason, your kind of depression is due to events not necessarily chemical disfunction. The two are very different types of depression, and need different solutions. I had the trauma of extremely abusive parents. Most of the time, I don't even think about them. I suffered terrible losses of career, and health. Most of the time, i don't think of them either. However, the chemical imbalance caused by my immune system is physically real. No amount of self-help can cure that. Some of these people are suffering the same.
It's kind of like Tom Cruise dispensing medical advice about depression. The cause needs to be determined before the cure can begin.

Caused by an event yes, but an injury to the brain no doubt causes chemical changes within it. My synapses were not connecting, and you know what, they still aren't. What I am suggesting will not cause synapses to all of a sudden reconnect and for brain chemicals to go back to normal. What it does it not let it matter so much, and allows you to become at peace with your situation, regardless of what it is. Whether you are "chemically" depressed or not, whether you are dying on your deathbed or not, you can benefit.

Too often people seek a cure that will never be found, when in fact the most healing they will ever achieve from what they are suffering from can only come from within. Only when you become at peace with whatever it is you are suffering from can you heal, medication or not.

It kind of wavers between having a shitty day-every day to feeling suicidal. Everyone has shitty days, but how do you handle them?
they say "Adult Children' call suicide prevention when they have a flat tire-becasue of how they were raised, by adults who act like children all the time ie alcoholics, drug addicts etc There nothing wrong with getting help, in fact reaching out is a sign of strength not weakness

It's still not the same. I had a major head injury in the wreck. It isn't the same as an extreme chemical alteration.

Just because you had a major head injury in a wreck and didn't get extreme chemical alterations does not mean others have not. Chemical alterations whether they come about by chance or by injury are still chemical alterations however you look at it. People have banged their heads and then became schizophrenic.

I understand what you are saying though, however that does not change anything I am talking about. Extreme chemical alteration, lying on a death bed, being diagnosed with terminal cancer, or having a shitty day, you can still benefit from within. And if you are never at peace with the now, regardless of whether a dr and medication has saved you from "extreme chemical alterations", you will still not be present and will still be suffering.

Basically, it is not that easy to break patterns that have been there for years. I've worked on it and have improved, but there is still a lot of social anxiety in certain situations.

I might want to look into that nutritional supplement as well. Right now I can't go to the doctor, so that will have to wait until I am once again insured.

Um no people have not banged their heads and then became schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is a mental illness. Hallucinating, having disorganized thought, experiencing delusions, and physical mental deficit due to head injury (banging your head on a wall) is just that... It's a head injury that now has many effects on the body. Schizophrenia is a mental illness that is very mysterious in origin. They believe a part of it is genetic and a part of it is environmental. The brain physically changes for no apparent reason. You end up with the symptoms of hallucinating, having disorganized thought, having delusional thinking, and mental deficit, but not from a direct self-caused physical brain injury.

Just thought I'd clear that up...

My own story to follow...

For me, I had no clue for years, until about a year ago, when I sought some help for academics, with a university councellor, and was told to see a psychologist, and started therapy. But once I was told about the symptoms and certain behaviours and habits were pointed out to me, things started making sense. I alway kinda knew I wasn't happy. But for your first post (havn't bothered reading all the replies) Lee_M, I would say it would have to be for a slightly prolonged period of time. If you can't snap out of it, and start noticing more and more symptoms, then you might be. Although beware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd say if you're feeling down, try to force yourself to go out, and socialize, and do other things, and see if you can occupy yourself completely, without feeling down. If not, seek help. Good luck.

This is my own story. Take it for what it's worth. Take what you like and leave the rest. Your mileage may and most likely will vary.

I was sexually abused by a neighbor who was a man of about 30 when I was only 4 years old. From the time I was 4 I remember having such vivid sexual memory and visions that could only come from having a sexual experience. I could never integrate the images and I never knew their meaning. It made me an easy target as I grew up for more sexual predators closer to my age...

I always "knew" there was something "different" about me. I didn't think or play like other children. I never really felt part of any particular group. Much of the time I was zoned out in my own fantasy world. Oh there were times where I played with the other kids and joined in the fun. But generally I remember always feeling separate and alone in my own world.

Yes, my Father spanked me with a belt, which I have come to realize is physical child abuse. I spent most of my childhood being terribly afraid of him and the jingling of his belt. I would often wish he would die on the way home from work so I'd never have to see him again.

My Mother reports that there were times where I'd start to get dressed, getting ready for school, and she'd come into my room only to find me staring off into space with one leg in a pair of underwear sitting on my bed. I remember ALWAYS hating mornings. Often my brother would have to hold the bus for me while I scrambled to get the last of my clothes on and my book bag to get out to the bus.

I remember being absolutely so miserable at times that I actually got sick quite a bit as a child. I had pneumonia 4 winters in a row. Yes, my parents smoked all the time around us so that might have had something to do with it.

As I grew into adolescence I remember feeling like there was a dark pit opening before me that I couldn't avoid. That pit was despair. I hated myself. I felt weird, out of place in this world, and I didn't know how to change it. I saw school counselors who were only mildly helpful at best or completely incompetent at the worst.

During college I remember at least two distinct periods where I would have terrible insomnia and I'd wander the campus in the dark at odd hours wishing I were dead. Somehow I always managed to be functional enough to finish school assignments and I received a bachelors and moved onto seminary because that is where I thought I belonged.

I always felt better praying and doing ritual. Doing ritual with others made me feel better at times, enough that I was willing to deny my sexuality in order to become a priest in a religion I didn't really completely believe in even then...

When I was in seminary, a spiritual director sent me to my first psychotherapist. He was fantastic. He helped me to realize many things about myself and started me on a healing journey. After leaving seminary I found other therapists and I continued therapy. It was good for me and I was making some progress.

However, I had some more issues to deal with. I entered 12-Step work through Al-Anon after my grandfather shot himself in the head while my Mom (his daughter) was on her way with my Dad to visit him. My Mom found her own father in his house dead with a torn up note in a garbage can. My grandfather had been sober in AA for seven years. He never got treatment for his depression. I was so angry at him.

Also at the same time my brother was drinking and driving. There was no one in the family who would acknowledge that my brother was becoming an alcoholic in a big way (drinking every day). I'd find empty beer cans behind book shelves and under couches, enough for many cases whenever I'd care to look.

I got into Al-Anon because I thought the problem was my grandfather and my brother. I found out that the problem was me. I worked on myself and worked the 12-Steps going to as many as 5 meetings per week. And I discovered that I had an addiction myself. I spent an inordinate amount of time in adult bookstores, bath houses, parks, lakeshore at night, back rooms at bars, adult theaters, alleys, rooftops, public bathrooms, etc., pursuing and having sex. And I found that I was obsessed with sex and that I couldn't turn the images off at all. It took over my life. I was drained all the time and I lived at least two lives. One life I let my family and friends know about and I was this mild-mannered and principled person. The other life was completely devoted to the pursuit of and the procurement of and the acts of sex.

I couldn't sustain it. I ended up in 12-Step recovery for sexual compulsion. I worked the 12-Steps around sexual compulsion for years before I found anything like sobriety. And no, sobriety in sexual recovery is not abstinence. It's about learning my own authentic sexuality and living it out. It's about being a whole and healthy sexual being. That wasn't me before recovery.

Well, after about ten years of therapy and 6 years of 12-step work I found I was still wanting to die periodically and I'd have weeks and weeks where I didn't leave my bed except for meetings and psychotherapy. It got so bad that I had no job, I was starting to go into debt, I couldn't leave my apartment except for therapy and meetings, and I had no motivation to change anything. I did pray. I meditated. I was writing in journals. I was doing 12-step work. I was doing as much work as possible to silence my ego (because in 12-Step Ego means "edging God out"). I was at the core of who I am and I found that I was depressed to the core.

My psychotherapist at the time, who was very anti-medication, suggested, or rather demanded that I go to see a doctor, if not for medication, at least for a check-up in case I was having some sort of physical illness that was causing my depression.

My doctor had recommended that I take anti-depressants a year before that but I told him that I wouldn't because I had it covered. I was in recovery, I went to psychotherapy, I meditated, I prayed, I exercised, I ate well, I didn't use caffeine anymore, and I had quit smoking years ago. I was clean... Boy was I wrong...

When I came to see him after the psychotherapist sent me, he didn't gloat. He didn't say, "See I was right." He smiled and we had a great conversation about the medical side of depression. He prescribed Effexor XR.

Three weeks on Effexor XR at the full therapeutic dose I woke up one morning and it was like a veil had lifted. I was awake and I wanted to be awake. I was alive and I wanted to be alive. No, I was not euphoric. No, all my problems weren't solved. Yet I finally saw the Sun and I had the motivation to start to put my life back together.

I did have anorgasmia. It's the side-effect Mr. Hardcock described above. I could stay hard for hours but I'd never cum. You know what? I didn't care. My depression was so bad and painful that I didn't care whether or not I ever had an orgasm again. The damn pills worked! I had never felt like I felt that morning. Once I finally made my way to a psychiatrist he evaluated me and explained to me that I had chronic depression and that I had recurring episodes most of my life. He agreed with me that perhaps without the medication I had never felt euthymic (the state of not being depressed or manic). He found me a more suitable mix of medication so that I could orgasm again. I began to enjoy sex again and masturbation, without the old obsession or compulsion.

Medication was the final piece in the puzzle that helped to push me over the edge into recovery from a lifetime of horrible depression. I still do most of the other things for my recovery like psychotherapy, meditation, prayer, writing in my journal, exercise, etc. I don't go to 12-Step meetings for now. I find I don't need them right now.

I've been on anti-depressants for over 8 years now. I've been mostly in remission with brief periods of relapse where my meds have had to be adjusted or changed. As far as any psychiatrist I've seen has told me and from what I know, I'll most likely be on medication for the balance of my life until something better comes along to take care of the neurotransmitter balance.

And the medication alone won't work. Medication works best with psychotherapy and all of the other things I do to stay in touch with my true self and to get my ego out of the way. It was my ego that kept me from taking medication because of the stigma associated with taking medication, because I felt that it meant that I was truly "sick in the head." I was too proud to seek medical help because I had my answers in self-help and psychotherapy. Well, I found out that I am also body as well as mind as well as soul as well as spirit. I have to seek answers for the whole of who I am in order to remain in remission. I have come to accept that this is the way it is. Do I like spending so much money on meds every month (copayments only seem to go up)? No, I don't. I will tell you that the alternative is far worse. I'll never go back to that dark pit I was in before I finally allowed myself the opportunity to be helped by my doctors.

That is not what I was writing about. I was specifically speaking about chemical imbalance. I tell people all the time that they need to work on their issues. There are people that have been in the grave for decades who are still controlling the lives of people who are walking around wounded.

Simcha, mi amor, people have banged their heads and became schizophrenic. People have had TBIs and developed all types of mental illnesses and disorders.

"Schizophrenia Related to Brain Injury in Patients

Scientists have established that psychiatric conditions such as bipolar and anxiety disorders are more common in patients who have suffered from traumatic brain injuries. Schizophrenia itself has been associated with individuals who have previously suffered brain damage regardless of family history. But it is only since the early 1990s that researchers have begun to explore in depth that connection between brain damage caused by traumatic brain injury and schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia and Brain Injury: Recent Studies

. Among the findings of those studies:

. TBI-associated schizophrenia is true schizophrenia, not another disorder with similar symptoms, according to a 2001 study by Columbia University. Schizophrenia and TBI are now being associated as hand-in-hand illnesses, one usually occurs in the victim of the other."

TBI and Mental Illness Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind
www.braininjury.org.au - Mental Illness and Brain Injury - Fact Sheet

Just thought I would clear that up.