Coming out

not really sure where else to post this so here goes.

im 20 years old sad am still not out to my family. i happend to tell a straight friend that i had feeling for him over a bad drunken night when i was around 16 and obviously i was still at school, and the news traveled like wild fire. i only live in a small ish town so every one knows except people i work with and the family.

my point is that i hate living this double life shit and i just want to god damn come clean and tell the truth for once in my life and i am looking for some advice of you guys. i have talked to my friends about it and they said they will support me through this and i some where to live if the worst was to happen and i get thrown out and enough money to get by on my own so yeah. gimmy your 2 cents =]

Well Beanie, you know your family, however sometimes it is best to "put out feelers" and "test the water" finding out your families true feelings about homosexuality.

Ask leading questions, "What do you think about same sex unions" or make statements like "Oh I never knew Sir Ian McKellen was gay" or "Did you know Pam St. Clement (Pat from Eastenders) is a lesbian"? and see what the reaction of your family is. It will help you decide if YOU want to tell them, you don't have to, there is no rule that says, right I'm 20 must come out of the closet.

There is a helpline for parents called Acceptance 01795 44 04 34

You said you told a st8 friend and it went around your village, well quite likely your parents know already and if they don't, they probably suspect "Beanie's never had a girlfriend" etc

It's great that you have support from your friends, so you will never be alone if the worst happens, you should contact the Albert Kennedy Trust (akt.org.uk) they help house and support young homeless gay people. Hopefully your family will be more enlightened and show you the love and support you and all other young gay people in a similar situation deserve.

If things get out of control, go straight to the police and report a homophobic crime, the police in the UK are so much better at handling these sort of matters than a few years ago.

Good luck and let us know how you get on, or if you wanna talk it through get in contact

Brinz

I think that Brinzaulscchwul answered the question beautifully and I can only really add on to what he has said.

Firstly, if everyone in your school knew and you live in a small town, it is most likely that your parents already know - people love a good gossip and someones sexuality (speaking from experience here) is a hot topic.

If you wish to come clean, then go for it. Your family should be able to accept you for who you are - your sexuality is just one part of you and it doesn't define you.

In terms of actually coming out, I did it when I was 16 and I just spoke to my mother about it, I didn't say the usual "can I talk to you" (it's my personal belief this statement panics/worries people and can cause an uncalled for over-reaction). Just try not to make a big deal out of it and I am sure your family will see that it isn't a major deal.

Do keep in mind that they may need some time to come to terms with it and as you are "their little boy" they most likely only want what is best for you and will worry for you regardless. Just stay positive and keep the drama low key and you will be fine.

There are a ton of helplines/books/websites out there dealing with this issue in many formats. Best of luck mister, let us know how it goes.

coming out is always HARD. sometimes I even thing it's unnecesary. WHY go through it if, as YOU said, someone already camed you out?
BEING commed out by a third party [a BITCH in fact...], I know the importance of mantaining a clear head and the strenght of mind to overcome it all.

IF you think your parents don't know it, YOU'RE wrong. they raised you, gave you all there love, and were there for you all times you needed. so THEY know you better than you think! at LEAST mine DID! ;)

LIVE your life for yourself and not for what others think of YOU! :D

I hate to say this but I have had more than a few friends that got kicked out when they told their parents. I am saying this because you must be able to eat and have shelter. So if you believe they will not support you...be prepared to support yourself...or hold on until you can support yourself.

Beanie: I have an older cousin who tried to hide who he truly was from the family for decades, even having a longtime "girlfriend" constantly by his side...he eventually slid into a life of alcohol & drug abuse trying to dull the pain...after his second stint in rehab, he moved in with a man and everyone found out that he was gay...here's the important part:

no one made a big deal out of it - no one treated him differently & he is just as loved now as he was then...it's just a shame that he put himself through all the other BS...

one last thing: it turns out that a lot of the family had already known since he was in high school...

I hate for anyone to have to hide who they are for fear of being rejected...or worse...

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do...

I find this guy to be very inspiring.

how to come out of the closet.

thank all you guys for your kind words, i will have to do some more long and hard thinking about this before it come to a head. i would however like to here more about any personal stories any one has, if you are wiling to share that is?

Beanie, you have gotten really good advice. I'll just echo that if you have a good relationship with your parents, in general, it will probably work out. Sometimes parents KNOW and don't say anything because they want their child to go through this process at his/her own pace. Plus, they say that mothers always know. The suggestion of putting out some feelers is an excellent one. In this day and time the opportunities are endless. For example, rent "American Beauty" and watch it with your parents and then comment that the gay couple had the only sane relationship. Then watch what happens. Same thing for "Four Weddings and A Funeral" or "The Weddding Banquet," which is wonderful, by the way. Bring up that California now has same sex marriage but is facing a referendum sponsored by Bible bullies. What do they think about this? Good luck and be careful.
Dave

i consider myself bi...does the family need to know that?

"need" is a strong word...it's not necessary for them to know because really it's your business...

if they ask, I would tell them the truth...but I see no need to broadcast it...

Do what feels right. Your familly is going to love you no matter what.

but are they tho thats the question it could go either way with my family i think, it will either be complete expectance (which normally mens ignorance of the truth) or they will never want to see me again, but i feel like im going nuts with this stupid secret that i should be keeping coz at the end of the day i am still me and its not like i can help what i am so.... oh i dont know?

Parents do sometimes "go nuts," more commonly dads IMHO. My parents became meddlesome, then distant. But that was many, many years ago. After about two years they started focusing more on wanting me to be happy.
If they take it badly, it's important to understand that parents sometimes develop their own narrative of what their children's lives will be like (married, kids, grandchildren...) without awareness that they have done so. Instead, they make their narrative into "reality." A big deviation from their plans can seem almost like they have lost that child and they can be angry about that loss and the person who caused it, that would be you. I think that if you can see it from their perspective and empathize with them that this is an upsetting loss, it will disarm some of their anger which they may use to cover up the underlying emotion, which is sadness.
No matter how much advice you get, this is your decision and a difficult one. In my case, getting honest with my parents has, over the susequent thirty-two years (yes, I came out in 1976), has deepened our relationship in ways I never could have imagined. Good luck in your decision.
Dave

HA! Why the holy hell i have the user name "Splitface"??? LOL read my Bio.

If everyone in your town knows, i suggest telling your partents yourself, so they don't find out from the postal worker....