gay urban fiction revised

here's a new (and hopefully improved) version of my novel i'm working on. enjoy!!!

*DISCLAIMER: Offensive Language, Adult Situations, yadda yadda

MORE IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: The main character is initially straight so bear with me, the good stuff is on its way!!!




To be honest with you, a nigga like me would have no problem going to this dance in a Makavelli t-shirt, some jeans and a pair of Timbalands. Why bother fussing over my mini-fro? Throw a du rag on and ride out. My girl Lauren though, she comes from nothing just like me and tries her best to cover that shit up. So that's why I'm standing here in front of this mirror in the suit she rented me, going to war with a tie that wouldn't stay tied. "Auntie A!” I called out from the hallway near the stairs. "What?" she hollered back, making her way up the steps. "Come help me fix this stupid tie Auntie.” As she stepped towards me she began smiling so hard you'd think she'd just hit the big lotto. "Look at my little Trey, boy you look so handsome tonight" she gushed as she adjusted my tie. Taking a step back, she looked me over. "Gorgeous, I tell you. I don't understand why you young boys insist on walking around with your pants halfway down your inexperienced little asses.”

Here we go again. Auntie A was always criticizing me and my friends for the way we dressed. Last, I checked it was a free country. I threw my hands up, accepting defeat before this battle even began. Turning towards the mirror, I realized I was looking extra fresh in this suit. I'm already cute, with a tight, medium build and caramel skin that makes girls think they're at the candy store, accentuated with a smile that's very wide and very sweet. I hope I don't sound corny but I actually think my best feature is my eyes. They're ordinary brown but something in them draws me sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror. I don't know, maybe it's just me. You could say I'm really feeling myself, but it's not unmerited. Closing out my senior year of high school, I have a gorgeous girlfriend, two shelves of trophies in track and wrestling, and a free ride to Cali State in the fall. Yeah, a brother is feeling good about himself right now. I smiled my million-dollar smile until I noticed my tie coming undone. "Auntie A, it's coming apart.” She came over to me and completely undid the tie. "Boy, you are clueless" she said, sighing. "What? I didn't even want to go to this stupid dance. I went last year and it was nothing but a bunch of lame people dancing to lame music.” Looking me in my eyes let me know she's getting serious.

"Tremaine, this prom means a lot to Lauren, you know that. Don't you go in there with your negative attitude and ruin this night for her. There, you're done.” Another look in the mirror and I was complete. I have to admit, Lauren has good taste. We couldn't afford a tux but this red Marc Adams exclusive was still pretty expensive. She picked out a red blazer jacket with a white dress shirt underneath, and a red tie. I had pants that matched and wore the white Stacy Adams shoes one of Auntie A's boyfriends bought me to wear to church this past Easter Sunday. In this get-up, I was sure to be killing 'em at Yellowbrick High's 2007 prom.

My phone started playing the song "Fuck Yo Crew" by gangsta rapper Double-Up and Auntie A's jaw dropped at the explicit chorus. "Trey-" she started. "Sorry Auntie A, but that's probably Terrance." I picked up the phone, a little more than ashamed to let my aunt hear that song coming from my phone. Since I could remember, she's been very active in the church choir and I felt a little guilty exposing her to that kind of language. She's never even heard me curse. "What up cuss?" I answered, glad for the distraction. "Whatup punk bitch! Nigga you ready?" Terrence hollered into the phone. I scrambled to lower the volume cause Auntie A put her hands on her hips, probably having heard Terrence's vulgar display. "Don't bother," she told me, turning to head back downstairs.

"Whatup my nigga. Don't tell me y'all niggas are outside already." Terrance must be outside with Marcus. I met them playing ball when I moved in with my Aunt and we've been best friends ever since. Terrence works at a plant just outside the city and makes almost twelve dollars an hour. We're the only three people at school who pull up in a Cadillac truck. Peeking out the window, I saw the luxury truck and heard the newest Lil Jon record blaring out the speakers.

I had to check my coat pocket one more time for the essentials. Mobile phone, body-spray, lighter, condoms, good to go. I threw my coat on and headed down the stairs and out the door. Auntie A stopped me just as I had my hand on the knob. "Come here, Trey baby," she prompted. Looking me up and down one last time, she licked her thumb and wiped my face. "Auntie A that's nasty." She gave me a hug and told me to have a good time. My senior prom? She wouldn't have to tell me twice. I hopped in the car and immediately noticed Terrence and Marcus were wearing the same penguin tuxedos. "What the fuck, are y'all supposed to be twins or something?" Marcus threw a napkin at me from the passenger seat as Terrence was pulling out of the driveway. "Trey, man, they got the measurements wrong for my suit, so I had to borrow Marcus' cousin's suit," Terrence explained to me. "Hey man, me and my Brian was killin' em in these at my sister's wedding. Brian looked better in it than you do though," Marcus teased before I noticed he was twisting up a blunt. "Shut up" Terrence shot back, turning up the radio. I was glad there was a dance cut on the radio to lift me up.

Prom hadn't even started and the night already had a slightly sour tone. I was riding with Terrence and Marcus because Lauren was picking up her best friend Sergio. This kid ran his mouth constantly. The little short shit was always making rude comments to me and my friends. We beat him up almost daily in grade school and he and I scrapped twice in high school. The last fight was at the beginning of the year but since I'm becoming older, I'm trying to learn a little bit of self-control, for Lauren's sake. Auntie A says I get my temper from my father. I don't know, I just know that it's a struggle being near that piece of human waste and not pounding on his pasty high-yellow face. Just as she was crossing my mind, my phone went off again. This time it was T-Pain's "I'm Sprung" so I knew it was my girl. "Hey, baby" I answered. "Hey Trey, baby, are you guys on your way?" "Yeah, we're probably twenty minutes away from The Grande." The Grande was the hotel hosting our prom. I've never been there cause it's on the outskirts of the city and it took me flipping burgers all last summer to afford a one-night suite. "I can't wait to see you babe," I told her, lowering my voice and sounding a little sweeter. She sent me a kiss through the phone and I reciprocated before hanging up.

"Aww, Tremaine baby I can't wait to see you either," Terrence, mocked, rubbing my knee. I retorted with a playful punch to the shoulder. "Trey don't disrupt the driver, I wanna make it to this prom in one piece," Marcus said, doing his best to sound like the levelheaded one. Actually, Terrence was always the one telling Marcus and I when to cool it. Marcus was as hot-tempered and spontaneous as I was, sometimes more so. I watched him put the blunt up to his lips and light it before rolling the window down a crack. It wasn't even a minute before the sweet smell of Mary Jane filled the truck.

PLEASE leave comments and lemme know whatcha think.

"Motherfucker at the counter act like he don't want a bunch of niggas checking into his hotel. Man I'll come back from college and buy this motherfucker, make his ass custodion. Well, here we are ladies" Terrence said. Each of us took our gym bags out the truck and headed towards the door. I unlocked it with my card-key, and Terrence handed Marcus his own key. As soon as we stepped into the hallway we were overtaken by the small of fruit and air freshener.

The carpet was red with a thin gold line on either side by the wall, and the walls were painted blood red. This hotel had a thing for red. The room numbers on the door were posted on black marble and the actual numbers were so shiny I wondered if they were real gold. We made our way up to the elevator and had already begun unbuttoning our suits and untucking our shirts. We were ready for the real fun to begin, and Marcus' surprise kept nagging me in the corner of my mind. I could tell he was still slightly tipsy, the motion on the elevator seemed to upset hi a little bit.

Terrence gave him a playful punch in the stomach and he damn near keeled over trying to hit him back. I was in the middle of a good laugh at the sight of these two clowns going back and forth when the elevator finally stopped. Marcus and Terrence's room was only a few doors down, mine was all the way around the corner. I set my bag down on the bed and stood for a second, stuck in amazement at the suite. The walls were a creamy, milky white and the entire wall the bed post was against was a giant mirror. I almost didn't even realize there was a giant mirror right over the bed too. The sheets were, surprise, dark red velvet and the most comfortable sheets I had ever laid my head on. There were four giant pillows that were filled with foam that my head just sunk into. Laying on the bed with my arms up under my head, I surveyed the rest of the room.

Next to the bed there was a dresser, and right in front of the bed there was a fifty inch plasma on the wall. On the other side of the room there were two windows with curtains matching the walls, offering a breathtaking view of the city, even though we were quite far from the city itself. As nice as the sight was, I shut the curtains. I didn't want any distractions when Lauren got up here. I've been horny all night and couldn't wait to put it down on my girl on her special night. Checking out the bathroom, I contemplated bringing the festivities in there. It was certainly spacious enough and definitely set a mood. The counters were white and gray marble, and the shower was a huge stand-up with a bench that could hold three or four people. There was also a jacuzzi that could fit just as many people. I played around with the knobs to see if it worked, and the jets in that thing were something serious.

I rubbed my hands together and grinned, Lauren and I were going to have all kinds of ungodly fun. I changed into some sweats and sneakers and walked down the hall to Terrence and Marcus' room. Nobody answered after a few heavy knocks, so I called Marcus' phone. He answered pretty quickly, "what up Trey?" "Will y'all niggas take your thumbs out your assholes for two seconds and come get the door?" It was a little while longer after hanging up that Terrence came to the door. He abruptly pulled me in the room and I instantly understood why. There were towels on the floor by the front door and the faint smell of pot coming from the bathroom, I could also hear the fan going in there. Their room was just like mine, except there were two beds and a table with two chairs by the window. We joined Marcus in the bathroom and helped burn the rest of a joint.

"Have you heard from your girl yet?" Terrence asked me. "Naw, haven't heard from Marcus about his surprise either. "They should be here in about five" he said plainly. "Well, I'm pretty sure it's strippers so, Terrence, enjoy the lapdance," I teased, patting him in the shoulder. "Marcus, don't do anything stupid, I'll talk to you guys in the morning.

I will take a few mixers on my way out, though." I grabbed three cups of vodka-punch cocktails and let myself out the door. I almost dropped the drinks 'because there were three girls at the door when I stepped out. The first was the shortest, she had short-cropped hair and a smooth, dark complexion. She was carrying a twenty-four pack of Miller. The other two could've been twins, they were both light-skinned with long, brown hair, and even their green eye contacts matched. "Is this Marcus' room?" the short, dark one asked. "Sure, just one second."

I shut the door behind me and set the drinks down on the dresser. Marcus and Terrence were freshening up in the bathroom. "Hurry up bitches, you've got company." Terrence looked a little puzzled while Marcus' face lit up like I had told him Halle Berry was in the room getting undressed. I went back to the door and let the girls in. One of the twins sat at the table with the shorter girl, the other twin made herself comfortable on the bed next to the window.

"I see you girls brought party goods but can I offer you anything to drink? Something to snack on?" I asked, trying my best to be a gentleman. Okay, maybe I was flirting a little, the darker girl wouldn't take her eyes off of me. Marcus interrupted the atmosphere, stepping out of the bathroom. "Hey girls, I thought you were gonna call me when you got downstairs? How'd you all get in?" The girls all looked at each other and giggled. One of the twins said "We're girls, we have our ways," and they all giggled again. "Well, this is my friend Tremaine," Marcus said, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Tremaine, this is Corinthea, and the twins are Tanya and Alisha." I nodded and waved. "Well it looks like it's about to go down in here so I should be headed out. I've got my own festivities to attend to. Nice meeting you girls."

As I was leaving, Terrence came out the bathroom and joined Alisha, or Tanya, over on the bed. I gave Lauren another call on the way back to my room, and it rang about ten times but she didn't pick up. Exhausted and horny, I crashed into my bed and was getting ready to rub one out when my phone went off. "Hey, I've been trying to get a hold of you all night, where are you at girl? I got a friend who's standing about nine inches tall and he's dying to meet you" I said. I could barely understand her reply because there was a lot of racket going on in the background.

"What'd you say sweetie? I can barely hear you" I said. "I'm at a restaurant with some friends. I was hungry so we decided to stop and get something to eat. Do you want me to bring you anything?" "No Lauren, how much longer are you gonna be babe? It's almost one o'clock?" I couldn't believe she went out to eat without me. "I don't know, just a few more minutes maybe-" she was cut off and suddenly I heard Sergio's voice on the other line. "Hey Tremaine, look, we tried calling you but you didn't answer so Lauren's gonna give you a call after we eat, okay? Bye."

This motherfucker actually took my girls phone, mouthed off to me and then hung up on me. He must've been feeling really big on the phone but the next time we meet I was sure to bring him back down to size. I figured she would've tried calling me back right away, but I laid there in silence for a couple of minutes. I contemplated calling her back and cussing both of them out, but decided to send a text instead. Before I could start typing, she sent me a message: 'Sorry, he had a few shots before the restaurant and was upset because our food was taking longer than it should have'.

I replied: 'Well since you guys are having so much fun, don't worry about coming up to the room, I can rub one out by myself. Have a good night.' As soon as the message was sent, I turned my phone completely off. I probably ruined her night but at this point who gave a damn? Her friend just disrespected me, yet again, and she probably didn't say two words to him. If I think about laying a hand on him she's all over me like that's her child or some shit. I love Lauren but sometimes she could be backwards as hell. I mean I was preparing to give her my whole life.

She already had a promise ring that cost me a fortune, and I passed up attending local university in my hometown to follow her to a school in California. It's not like I didn't mind sacrificing for her but it seemed like I was giving a hundred percent and she was just giving seventy-five.

I knew this night would blow over and we'd be all over each other in a few days, but I really wanted her to think about putting her friends before me. I made a conscious decision to ignore her calls for a few days, so she could see that she was the one with the problem. This relationship isn't going to work if she always let's her friends dog me out, then gets on my case when I get mad and push back.

I set my phone down on the counter and left the room. I knocked on Terrence and Marcus' room several times but it was to no avail. "Nigga open the goddamn door, it's Tremaine!" I said as robustly as I could. I heard music playing so I was beginning to think they weren't going to hear me until Corinthea answered the door. "Glad you decided to come back, welcome to the party."

CHAPTER 3 EXCERPT

I walked through the store and made my way to Foot Locker, where Julian was lifting the gate from the inside. "Whatup nigga?" I said trying my best not to sound or look as high as I was. "Hey Travis" he said, sporting the same plastic smile that seemed to be stuck on his face. He would've been handsome if he weren't always grinning like the cheshire cat. His skin had an enviable light brown tone with freckles marking his cheeks. His form-fitting uniform revealed an athlete's body, and his sharp fade made me guess that this dude probably pulled more girls than Marcus and Terrence.

"Close, Tremaine" I said. "My bad, man. So the Kobe's, is that all you were looking for?" he asked. "Yup," I said, sounding more hurried than I intended to. He dug out a box from under the register and rang me up. I pulled out my wallet and nearly freaked out to find it empty, and Julian gave me a sideways look. I set the wallet down and began emptying my pockets, then remembering that when I was at Mcdonald's I threw the rest of the change into my hoodie pocket. Relieved to find it there, I pulled out a wad of twenty's and handed them to Julian. He gave me my change and receipt and I was about to leave when he called my name.

"Yeah man?" I answered. He looked around suspiciously and asked me if I smoke green. I wasn't really looking to incriminate myself, for all I knew Julian had mall security waiting around the corner. I cursed myself for being stupid enough to bring pot with me, even if it was a small amount. He must've smelled it on me, and sometimes my eyes get really glossed over. "Look," he said, "my weedman's phone is turned off and, I don't mean to sound like a fiend but I had a rough week and I've been dying to smoke. Did you have any plans for the rest of the day?"

Any other day I would've told a stranger asking me to smoke to fuck off but he seemed genuine enough, and I did pay about fourty bucks less than what the shoes were supposed to cost so he must've rang me up with his discount. "No plans man. I mean, I gotta pick up my girlfriend from school at three, after that I'm good." We exchanged numbers and he said he'd call me when he got off at five. I spent the rest of the day walking around the city, afraid that Auntie A would be home and read me the riot act over skipping school. I left the shoes with Julian, not wanting to drop them off at home and risk getting caught. I wandered around some downtown shops, got into an impromptu basketball game with some college kids, and stopped by the travel center to pick up some brochures for California.

I met Lauren at the 711 next to the school and she ragged on me a bit about skipping school, but gave me a kiss and took my hand as we started home. On the way I got a text from Terrence saying he was bored since Marcus was out with his dad, and I replied that I'd give him a call after five. I was sure Julian wouldn't mind adding one more person to the rotation, as long as it wasn't the guy who gave him a hard time before throwing up outside his store. Auntie A was home when we got there, and she gave me twenty dollars to order a pizza before stepping out the door. As soon as we heard her pull off we settled on the couch in the living room and put on a movie.

Five minutes into it we were making out. "Hold on baby, I don't know how long Auntie A is gonna be gone, and I'm starved. Let's order that pizza." I hopped up and grabbed the phonebook. "Domino's or Pizza Hut babe?" I asked, already knowing the answer. "Pizza Hut," she said as she rummaged through the fridge for something to drink. "Would your Aunt care if we took a few shots of this vodka?" she asked. "Probably not, as long as we're not going anywhere." She poured two shots of vodka and a cup of fruit punch for herself to chase. "Punk" I said, taking my shot straight. It was stronger than I expected and burned a little going down, but I had to man up since my girl was right there.

"Pour me one more babe" I said before ordering our pizza. When I was done I downed another shot with Lauren and we got back on the couch. "Damn, that shit is strong" she said, making an ugly face and sipping some more punch. After sucking faces through another five minutes of the movie, I asked, "feel like burning real quick while we wait for the pizza?"

We went up to my bathroom and cut the fan on to kill the smell. I lit an incense and Lauren started unbuttoning her top while I loaded my pipe. She kissed me a few times before taking the pipe and drawing in a slow, long hit. She passed it to me and I took a few hits of my own before setting it down. I leaned against the counter and she pulled my shirt off and undid my belt.

We kissed a little more before each taking another hit of my pipe. She unzipped my pants and wrapped her lips around my dick like it was a lollipop. She licked, sucked and yanked on my dick until it stood straight out like it was giving her a salute. She went back and forth from slobbing on my knob and smoking until the last hit came back to me. I inhaled slowly and held my breath for a second. She started jerking my dick and said "you can't breathe out until I make you come" with a grin on her face.

She swallowed all nine inches like Superhead and started jerking me faster and faster. Whether it was the pleasure she was giving me or holding my breath for so long, I felt like I was going to pass out. "Oh fuck" I said, cheating and letting some of the smoke out. "Fuck!" I yelled and finally let loose into Lauren's tight grip. I let out the rest of the smoke and paused for a second to collect myself. "Damn girl, a nigga could use another shot." I pulled my pants back up and started to buckle my belt.

"You know, Tremaine, Marissa said her boyfriend goes down on her and that it's better than gettin' fucked" Lauren said while she rinsed off her hand. She stared at me for a second and I kissed her, then said "babe, you know how I feel about that. I'll buy you toys, I'll get my fingers wet. And if you'll consider another female, I'll think about that threesome you wanted with another dude, that's how much I love you. But going downtown is something I just won't do." I gave her another kiss and she gave me a smug look.

The doorball rang and I rushed downstairs and grabbed the twenty dollar bill off the counter. "Right on time, a brother is starving" I said when I opened the door. The pizza guy laughed and I told him he could keep the change. He thanked me and I shut the door, ready to tear that pizza apart. "Smells good" Lauren said when I set the boxes down on the counter. She poured us two more shots and I grabbed two plates out the cabinet. I piled four slices onto my plate, and watched Lauren pick out a single slice. "I thought you said you were hungry girl" I said. "I am" she replied. I was about to curse her for eating one slice after begging me to get two pizzas when my phone went off, it was Terrence.

"Whatup bitch" I said with my mouth full, savoring the first bite of my supreme pizza. "Nigga it's after six, you still wanna play ball tonight?" "Shit" I cursed and looked at the clock, it was almost six-thirty. "What's wrong?" Terrence asked. "Old dude from Foot Locker wanted to get up and smoke tonight. He got off at five but Lauren and I have been drinking so I really don't wanna go anywhere anytime soon" I said. "Oh, you hanging out with your girl tonight? My bad nigga I ain't mean to interrupt yall's little love session. Just remember to wrap it before you tap it my nigga" Terrence joked. "I'll see you in school tomorrow. You want me to pick you and Lauren up in the morning?" he asked. "Sure, see you in the morning." I hung up and dialed Auntie A's cell. "Hello?" she answered. "Hey Auntie, would you mind giving Lauren a ride home? It's raining hard outside and her mom didn't answer the house phone." "Tremaine, I'm at Rhonda's getting my hair done and I hate a date planned for tonight. She can stay over tonight if she wants, if not I won't be home for a few more hours" she said. "Okay. Have fun on your date" I said before hanging up.

Auntie A was married once but divorced when I was little. Everbody in the family said the dude was beating on her, but that was hard to believe because she was a tough woman. Either way, she seemed to have a hard time finding a man to stick around, so I was glad to hear she was dating again. "Would you mind if we hung out with one of my friends who works at the mall?" I asked Lauren. She shook her head no and went to grab our shots off the counter. I took mine and browsed through the contacts in my phone until I got to Julian's number. I called him and the phone rang so long I was about to hang up until a woman answered.

"Hi, um, I may have the wrong number. Can I speak to Julian?" I said, trying my best to sound proper. "This is Julian's mother, we're at the Loyola Emergency Room right now, Julian was in a pretty bad car accident. Is this his boyfriend?"

**Enjoy, feel free to leave comments/suggestions/criticisms**

good story man. i was familiar with alot of the dialect that was used. also it seems like it has a clear plot line, flows well, and is going in a good direction (damn, i sound like my english professors). definitely put some more up.

CHAPTER 4 part 1

I coasted through the next school day in disorientation. I made an effort to pay attention during the finals reviews, but I couldn't keep my mind off of Julian. His mother told me last night that he had been involved in a serious car accident, and was drifting in and out of conciousness.

I barely slept at all, and Auntie A asked me if I was sick this morning before I left for school. I was dead silent in Terrence's truck on the ride and Lauren wouldn't stop asking me if everything was alright. I met Terrence in the student parking lot after school so he could give me a lift over to Loyola to visit Julian. We rode mostly in silence til the emergency room was in view, then Terrence explained that he had to pick up Marcus from the gym.

"It's alright, I can catch the bus home" I said with a cracked voice that was barely audible. "Alright dog, I'ma holla at'cha. I'll pick you up in the morning before school" Terrence said, handing me a cigarette that I wedged behind my ear under my baseball cap. Inside I couldn't shake the trepidation I always feel when I'm in a hospital. Last summer I watched a 20/20 special about how often malpractice occurs in this country. They said lots of doctors make mistakes that costs patients their lives, but the blame is often easy to throw on the disease or "faulty equipment."

Since then I've lost a lot of faith in doctors and hospitals and medicine. An attendant at the front desk gave me directions to Julian's room after I told her I was a step-brother, hoping his mother wouldn't be there to expose my fraud. I walked down a hallway that seemed a neverending path until I reached room 16, Julian's room.

A feeble voice answered when I knocked on the door, and I let myself in. My first thought was of a woman on that special who was having a bypass done but the doctors messed something up and she went into cardiac arrest, died on the spot. Julian lay in the hospital bed in a deplorable state.

He had a hellish assortment of tubes and equipment connected to his body which chilled me with it's corpse-like appearance. I wasn't even certain he was alive until his head rotated slightly to face me. His condition was in stark contrast to the animated manner he usually carried. It hurt to see someone with such an obviously strong spirit looking so vulnerable.

"Hey Tremaine" he managed, those two words seeming to command all of his energy. "Dang man, you've seen better days, huh?" I said with what little laughter I could force. Julian cleared his throat and positioned himself upright on the bed. "What you doin' here anyway man, how'd you know I was here?" he asked distrustfully. "I called your phone, your mom answered and told me what happened. She said it was pretty serious so I was concerned.

Just wanted to make sure you was okay." He shut his eyes, drifting into a pensiveness I hoped was just sleep. I drew in a heavy breath and stood there until a nurse came in. She flipped through his bedside charts and checked the monitor as if I wasn't even in the room. "His condition is improving, he's recovering very well considering the extent of his injuries.

Mr. Vargas will probably be released by the weekend" she said. I nodded my head and left the room. I boarded the bus, still feeling uneasy. Guilt began to settle in, Julian and I were supposed to be hanging out and I wondered if he still would've been in the accident if I had kept up with my word.

I called Lauren while I was on the bus but didn't get a response, so I tried Priscilla and explained what happened. "Look," she said, "my sister was in an accident last year and her newborn baby was crippled, he's going to be handicapped for the rest of his life. If she was at home watching a movie with me the accident wouldn't have happened, the world is full of ifs. Bad things are going to happen no matter what we do. If your friend wasn't in that accident, it could happen tomorrow or next week, these things are out of our control. Unless you were driving the other car then you hold no more fault than you do any other time something unfortunate happens. I know it sounds cliche but you can't blame yourself."

It did sound cliche, but something in her voice abated the heavy weight pressing down on my shoulders. "You're right" was all I said. "Of course, because of the circumstances, you feel a little guilty, that's just human. But your friend is going to be okay" she added.

"Tell you what, how about I'll come pick you up tonight and we'll go shoot some pool, take your mind off of all this." It didn't take me long to accept, and by the time we hung up I was feeling much better. I got off the bus and made my way home with all kinds of thoughts swimming around in my head.

"Hey Auntie A" I said when I walked through the door. "Hey baby, you wanna come out to eat with me? There's a Jamaican restaurant that just opened downtown that Paul and I want to try out" she said. "No thanks, I'm kinda tired. I'm gonna go lay down for a little bit. A friend is coming to pick me up tonight and we're gonna go shoot some pool." "A female friend?" she asked sounding too inquisitive for my comfort.

Auntie A sometimes had a way of hearing what I don't say as much as what I do say. "Yes, but just a friend. You know how serious I am about Lauren" I said defensively. "I also know that you're eighteen years young and have a lot of living and learning to do before you can be sure that you know what you want" she said, adding "have fun on your date."

She winked at me, pinched my cheek and left. I fixed myself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and went up to my room. I turned on the tv, flipping through the channels but couldn't really focus on the images flashing across the screen. Julian's mom asked me if I was his boyfriend when I called his phone the other day. She spoke with a heavy spanish accent, so I wondered if her english just wasn't very good.

FINAL part to chapter 4. i didn't feel like digging for an excerpt so i put the whole thing up.


Lauren's different from a lot of girls her age. She's been through a lot so she has kind of an old soul, and so do I so we juse connected like that." Priscilla nodded in silent agreement, settled her head into my pillow and dozed off. I wasn't too far behind her. I was halfway asleep when my phone started ringing.

Normally I don't answer my cell after I've laid down, but when I saw who it was on the caller ID I jumped up out of the bed, waking Priscilla up. I sat down at my desk and flipped my phone open. "Hey Julian, what's up dude?" I said, spinning around in my chair. "Hey Tremaine." He sounded a little better, a little more like himself, but there was still a weakness in his voice.

"Hey man, I'm out of IC, they released me yesterday." I was relieved to hear this, and it felt like the weight on my shoulder had been lightened.
I asked him how he felt although I was kind of scared of the answer. "Well, my legs are still really sore, my arm hurts where they had to cut my open and my head is pounding. They gave me something for the pain but it's not really working. Sorry if I woke you up, I know it's kinda late. But that's why I called you" he said, "I need a favor." I paused for a second. "I'm listening."

This is much better, and an easier read with the formatting!
Imo, the plot could be tighter, tho. Have you tried writing with narration and different point of views filling in more of the details?

Also, not sure I mentioned this before, but have you ever read Chester Himes? He did really good urban fiction - if you want to see how to make the urban translate and build rounded characters.

Keep posting :)

^thanks for the comment. i haven't heard of him, the bookstore i worked at had a gay "section" that was actually just a corner of one shelf and most of what i saw was less than interesting or engaging. i've tried writing it as if the main character was narrating, but i'm beginning to ponder multipe narrators. on one hand, most gay fiction employs that tactic so i don't wanna be misconstrued as conforming, then again if everyone's doing it that must be because it works so it's definitely a possibility. the main character is very vulgar and one-dimensional. i think it might give the story more volume to hear priscilla's p.o.v. and of course the relationship between tremaine and julian would be given another level of depth to understand both sides. you've really give me something to think about. that's exactly why i'm posting these drafts, for valuable feedback. so far it seems the story is engaging people, but the format might need some tweaking if not some serious plastic surgery.

You have the basics of the characters, but now you have to make them rounded and human, for lack of a better word. Imo, one dimension does not make a character interesting... The reason I suggested Himes is because his protagonists are often assholes, but you still want them to win in the end. His use of pacing and plots alone are worthy of a read. :)

If too many authors use naration as a literary device, try something else. Like beginning a chapter with a dream or fantasy. Add an antagonists. Try chaptering! Throwing in a small chapter every once in a while works well. Irony is also very good.

One author I read about wrote bios for all her characters and a plot outline so she knew where the book was heading. I know that's crazy, but still something to consider. :)

Well perhaps I've been reserved in displaying their characteristics. In my head, Tremaine is the firecracker, quick to fight, he's not an asshole and has a good nature but is very short-tempered. You've really given some good advice that I'm pressed to consider. I've thought about either rotating narration between characters for each chapter, IE tremaine does chapter 1, priscilla does 2, tremaine does 3, julian does 4, etc.. And I'm wondering if maybe I could actually rotate POV within each chapter. perhaps a few pages are from one person, next few are from another.

I believed, possibly erroneously, that one narrator would make the story more realistic. When a friend tells us about a date, we only get their perspective, I thought that keeping it from one person would be like a friend telling us a story. However, since it is a book, the beauty is being able to enjoy the story from different perspectives.

Yes! 1st, 2nd, and even 3rd person POV could give real insight into the main character. Very nice. :)

this sux, now i gotta start all over again *bangs head on wall*

well i've already realized that i'm going to have to do some serious re-working, but i've got a few more excerpts i can post so you guys atleast get an idea of the storyline. here's CHAPTER 5 part 1

Priscilla: "Hi Tremaine. Look, I'm sorry about flipping out on you earlier, I just didn't think people like you smoked pot" she said. "People like me? What does that mean?" I shot back, aggitated by her condescension. "Tremaine, you're a good athlete, you get good grades, you have a full scholarship to California State. Why would you jeopardize all of that with marijuana? That drug is for burnouts and criminals and thugs."

Now she was really pissing me the fuck off. What gave her the right to judge me or anybody else for that matter. "Priscilla, I started smoking pot when I was thirteen. It's never interfered with my school-work. I'm not a criminal, I use it responsibly." I said as plainly as I could, trying to disguise the contempt that was building up inside me.

"How can you call it 'responsible' if you're breaking the law? Tremaine, that stuff is illegal and it's only a matter of time before it gets you into some serious trouble" she responded, sounding more like an over-protective mother than a friend. "Priscilla, I don't get what the big deal is. It's not crack, I've never pawned my grandmother's d.v.d. player to cop a dimebag. I've never stolen from or hurt anybody. As a matter of fact, weed has helped calm me down a lot, I used to have a really bad temper until I started smoking. What's the big deal?" I asked, genuinely missing the point of bad-mouthing something she didn't even use or understand.

There was a momentary pause and I started to wonder if she'd hung up on me until she broke the silence with a sigh. "I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, Tremaine" she said, "what are your plans for tonight?" "Uh, I'm probably going out to dinner with Lauren in a little bit. I haven't had a lot of time to spend with her, studying so hard for these finals." We conversed awhile longer about nothing in particular until we ran out of things to say to one another.

After we hung up I cursed myself for being stupid enough to make Priscilla uncomfortable with my habit. Maybe it was wrong on my end to ask her to drive me when I was carrying something that could've gotten her in trouble, or me in trouble for that matter. I made a conscious decision then to limit who I smoked with. I didn't need some idiot to ruin my chances, and I had a lot of good things coming my way in the future. I stared at my phone for a minute before sending Julian a text asking what time he'd be out of physical therapy, and what his plans were for the evening.

I cracked open my textbook again, scanning the pages but focusing more on waiting for a response. I was just about to get up and get a snack when my phone started ringing. "Hey, I got your message" Julian said, speaking over loud music in the background. "Just got out of physical therapy, I didn't have any plans for tonight. Why, what's up?" "Well my Aunt's out of town so I could use some company. I'm 'bout to call the delivery man so I can re-up. You want anything?" I asked.

"I don't think I should, I'm flat broke man. I haven't been able to work since the accident" he said. "That's okay man. Atleast come through and chill with a nigga, I'ma be bored as shit. Don't worry 'bout the green dog, I got you." After he thanked me and we agreed on a time to meet, we hung up and I scrambled all over the house trying to get everything cleaned up. I was cool with the kitchen, living room and bathrooms, Auntie A don't play. Those rooms are always in good shape, but problems arose when I got to my room.

There were fast-food bags on the floor, clothes and books thrown everywhere, and a foul smell reminiscent of the boys' lockerroom invaded the air. I stuffed my drawers and shelves, crammed all my books into my backpack and de-funked the room with air freshener. By the time I was done I still had a good hour until Julian would be on his way, so I finished up that last chapter in my spanish book. Actually I could've skipped it altogether, Spanish had always been my strongest subject and I always aced the finals, though being over-prepared never hurt.

I took the class freshman year because it was either that elective or Home Living and your boy refuses to be seen sewing pillow and t-shirts and shit. Sophomore year there was this pretty Latin girl named Rosa I wanted to impress. By junior year my spanish was so well-developed that it almost came naturally. At the beginning of senior year we took a trip to Spain that blew my breath away.

There was so much history there and the food, the architecture, the people were so rich with culture that I've begun to find the U.S. kind of boring at times. Lauren and I sometimes talked about traveling after we graduate college and Spain was definitely the first destination on the list. I was sitting in the kitchen expecting to hear the doorbell, instead it was my phone that started ringing. It was Lauren asking me what I was doing tonight.

I would've loved to invite her over, this week of studying built up a lot of tension downstairs if you know what I mean, and a good nasty fuck would've been the perfect way to reward myself for two weeks of hard work. I didn't want to cancel my plans with Julian though, and he seemed like he needed a friend. I'm not good at reading people but there seemed to be something hiding underneath his smile earlier that day, like something was bothering him.

I told Lauren I wasn't feeling well and didn't feel like company, and she seemed to accept that without hesitation. We exchanged 'I love yous' and ended the conversation. I felt relieved to be off the phone because I really loved Lauren a lot and hated lying to her, but I didn't feel like explaining or defending why I was hanging out with a fag. I was beginning to wonder if this is what it felt like for Julian, having to lie and sneak around becaus of people not approving of your lifestyle.

I thought to myself that once he and I hung out a little more I'd have to ask him what it's like being gay. If people look at you funny in public, how your family responds to it, although I probably knew the answers to both questions. I imagine it must be some heavy shit to carry on your shoulders, now I see why all these brothers are living on the down-low. Personally I think it makes you less of a man to live a secret life like that, but I could understand why dudes would want to hide that kind of thing. It's not like people are always tolerant of gay motherfuckers.

There was so much I wanted to ask Julian about being gay, but I didn't want him feeling like a circus freak on display for all the straight people. Maybe if we became good friends he'd actually feel comfortable confiding in me, until then I could only speculate. My train of thought was interrupted by the doorbell.