Settle For Less In Love

Love is a one-way, not two-way, street.

I think the dynamics of dating are such that women can get men that are higher quality if they don't want commitment. But if they want commitment, then they have to lower their expectations in general. Some women refuse to lower their standards to get the commitment. Others lower their standards to get the commitment, but then are left wondering "what if they hadn't settled?"

Another thing is that a lot of people overestimate how good they are and who they can attract. It seems like people don't like to think about it. So maybe by settling they are actually just coming to the realization that they aren't as good as they thought. (Whatever the market will bear.) Part of the problem is it's not polite to tell other people what's wrong with them, so they never get any feedback, hence they don't have a good estimate of their true worth.

[quote=Jovial;1476145]I think the dynamics of dating are such that women can get men that are higher quality if they don't want commitment. But if they want commitment, then they have to lower their expectations in general. Some women refuse to lower their standards to get the commitment. Others lower their standards to get the commitment, but then are left wondering "what if they hadn't settled?"

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Another thing is that a lot of people overestimate how good they are and who they can attract.

I think more men overestimate in that way, than women.

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It seems like people don't like to think about it. So maybe by settling they are actually just coming to the realization that they aren't as good as they thought. (Whatever the market will bear.) Part of the problem is it's not polite to tell other people what's wrong with them, so they never get any feedback, hence they don't have a good estimate of their true worth.

I'd like to think most people have the clarity, say 6 months after a break-up to see how they may have contributed to the relationships demise. Having your former lover point out your faults is really not a good idea. Actually that's usually the plot for Law & Order SVU or CSI. Somethings truly are better left unsaid.

When I first read something mentioning market value and the accurate assessment of one's own market value I was livid. But I can now see that it truly is the way things tend to work. Many people want to win the relationship lottery. THe only problem is that the other person has to in some way value the strengths that you bring to the table. So, you may be a wonderful person, with many fine attributes but if the object of your desire does not value that particular set of traits then your market value for that person may be less than you hoped or even expected.

One problem is demographics. No matter how fabulous you may be if there are not the numbers there for you to chose from, your fabulousness may be moot. Also another issue is inherited expectation. Often in giving their children things and exposure to things they themselves were not afforded, parents can inadvertantly set up expectations in their child that the market can not bear. Or at least the child's personal market value can not bear. Issues like looks, health, race, weight,height, education, profession, social status, influence, net worth, weigh in right along with those good character traits you THINK you are exhibiting. Is it fair? Let me ask you this, are you looking at those things as well? Then dont be surprised if others are looking right back at what you bring to the table as well.

I think you just hit the nail on the head. Maybe it's only the deluded ones who worry about "settling."

I object to the very concept of "settling"...

It assumes that YOU, the very center on which the universe turns, "deserve" better.


Here's the thing... NONE of us is a prize. We don't "deserve" anything... we EARN what we get.

Every last human being is a trial for anyone else to be with, day in and day out.

I know people who found " the one"... 15 years later they are no different than any other couple. How good their relationship is is entirely dependent on whether they are capable of realizing that their lover puts up with as much shit from them as they are having to put up with.


Here's a hint... if you are alone at 40 because you think you deserve better... you have an unrealistic idea of what you deserve.
You are failing to recognize your own failings and that you are asking another human being to tolerate YOUR flaws.

And those flaws only get more distilled with age, as we become less able to adapt to change.


I "settled" at 21 for a woman who seemed to love me very much.
I was divorced from her at 35, because she became a bitter alcoholic.

In between I had years of joy and years of pain... and raised two fine sons.


But I didn't really settle.

At 21 there was no "woman of my dreams" in sight.
And at 21 I was probably not any woman's "man of her dreams" ... I was unproven, naive, awkward.

But it was not time wasted. We had a family, I created a career, we bought a house... The joy I found in my children was adequate compensation for her slowly learning that she really did not like me much.

And at 35, when it was clear that it would not get any better... when my son's were old enough to be able to understand and cope...I did meet "the one".

I began a new life... but that did not mean that my earlier life was worthless... my sons are a testament to the good intentions and efforts of my first marriage. Those 14 years were productive.... accomplished.


My second wife and I have been married 16 years now... the great early passion has cooled, as it always does with time.... but the thing we share is a similar world view, which keeps us best friends.
She is not perfect... neither am I.

But under it all is a deep understanding on BOTH of our parts that we BOTH try each other's patience... that we both have flaws that the other simply accepts.
Finding the right one is not a matter of finding the perfect person for you...
Its a matter of finding that you can accept the reality that their imperfections are no more egregious than yours... and that you can accept each other as you are.

That, and a similar worldview, and you are set for a happy life.

People who are waiting for "the one" are suffering from grass is greener syndrome...
And the delusion that they are something special.

Think less of yourself... less about yourself... and you will be happier.

Being together in a loving relationship, long term, is a constant exercise in forgiveness and letting go.

PS... times a wasting...
Your life is short and your time staked out... so many years as a child, so many to have a child... so many to watch your child grow...

Quit yer bitchin and GET ON WITH IT.

Getting something less than perfect DONE... beats the hell out of getting nothing done at all.

Speak for yourself. I am fabulous, I am a prize, and my partner is just as lucky as am I that we found each other! He's almost as perfect as me!

I deserve only the very best.

From 'settled' and 'the one' I'm clearly not taking the same meanings as some other people on this thread.

The guy I married in my mid 20s was hansome, charming, committed, faithful, high-earning, intelligent, funny, a good lover and we had a lot of common interests and cultivated more together - he could say pretty much the same about me. But I don't think we were ever 'the one' for each other. We were both, in fact, on the rebound and chose partners who were, in many ways, the opposite of the people we were still getting over. I think he 'settled' for me but needed someone with a closer background to his own. At least that's where I felt the tensions coming from. I think I 'settled' for him but needed someone less insecure and controlling. We were both willing to compromise on stuff that is actually more important to a healthy relationship than all the (nice but unnecessary) stuff listed at the top of this paragraph.

That's what I mean by settle. I don't think I am deserving of anything in particular - but I am so much more aware of what I can live with and what I can't, what compromises I can make and what I can't - and what I can expect of another person. Saying I 'settled' is not saying that I was better than him.

Sounds like a great relationship to me.

Out of 20 parameters you got all but one or two ?

That's about as close to perfect as you can get.
If you aren't mad for the guy... then it must be chemical...