Settle For Less In Love

I understood that, jason, and I'm not simply trying to be contrary. But framed explicitly in that context, the "settling" concept is even more horrifying to me. It seems a bit like a "reverse corollary" to the old adage, "having a child to fix a defective relationship is the worst reason to have a child." It rarely works, and usually causes more problems and heartache than it solves.

Under ideal circumstances, raising a child is difficult. Circumstances are rarely ideal. Too many people enter into that lifelong contract without really pondering what it entails. That's terribly selfish.

You are correct, I do not feel that "biological imperative to reproduce." But it seems to me that those who do should have higher standards for finding a mate, not lower standards. If I pick a clunker, I'm the only one who suffers. If I have another life, for whom I'm responsible, I have the obligation to avoid subjecting that dependent to my less-than-desirable choices.

In general, children are bright and observant. They will know if their parents are together out of convenience or out of love. I'm not sure what kind of damage it does to a child's psyche to grow up knowing "my parents are only together because they feel they have to be, because of me."

If someone is not capable of being a good, self-sufficient single parent, they should not plan to be one (as did the author). Putting a selfish desire to procreate ahead of the best interests and welfare of a child is just wrong. Finding the right person with whom to make a baby would seem to be a prerequisite, not an afterthought.

When someone loses his or her fantasy of finding someone who complies with an exhaustive list of qualifications and demands that is not what I would consider "settling." That's called growing up.

The trick is to separate what is important from what is not.

Compromising on character, getting into a relationship with someone who is disrespectful, abusive or unkind.... that is what I call settling. That is the kind of settling we can do without.

Now, there's the crux of the matter.

I know a lot of people who think things like "he leaves the toilet seat up," or "he leaves the cap off the toothpaste," or "he's too short," or "we're the same age, and I only date younger..." are important. Considering what's at stake in a relationship, those kinds of things are underwhelmingly unimportant.

I can't grasp the idea on even a very basic level, but for some people, appearance is much more important than character.

For once I agree with New End. Welcome back Holly! So good to see you again!

It's interesting you say that given your sub/dom relationship. I assume the one you're speaking of above is not that one?

Do you think people get less picky as they get older? Is there a difference between men and women in that regard as the author suggests?

I think people tend to get more set in their ways as they age and the introduction of a new person into one's life, complete with foibles and habits, becomes more difficult.

I do think women tend to get less picky as they get older. Men, not so much. Our society tends to reflect this. Many women seem to fear age a great deal more than men. I have heard many of my female friends and relatives privately say they dread approaching or turning 40 because they fear they will lose their looks. When I try to politely say something to help, I get a response along the lines of, "... but you're a man! Men just get more handsome/character/distinguished as they age. They don't need to worry about getting lines/wrinkles/cellulite/saggy boobs (have to admit they have me on that last one). You don't understand."

Maybe I don't.

I am not prepared to guess whether men or women do this more. I think it is an individual thing.

I think that long-standing habits can be hard to break when someone new is brought into the equation, but the question is whether someone will consider trivial things to be a deal breaker. I think the older someone gets the more they realize that they are not perfect, and no one else is either. Therefore overlook the small stuff and focus on what is important, even if there is something inconsequential they may find irritating.

Irritating, yes. A dealbreaker, no. Someone who is immature may not have reached that point. They may be more inclined to not pursue a relationship or to let one go because of some perceived incompatibility or failure of the object of their affections to meet some standard they have set in appearance or behavior even if it doesn't matter in the long run.

I suppose some people get less picky as they get older, I don't know. I held on to the same standards, refused to settle, and at age 43, found "the one" (he was 48 at that time.)

And the "women get older, men get distinguished" axiom only works in the heterosexual realm. Gay men tend to be much more youth and appearance obsessed.

I still think it boils down to a matter of misplaced priorities when someone decides to "settle."

And as for someone being set in his ways, that's also something that is a personal choice, and a part of healthy relationship dynamics. If it's just minor annoyances, that can be overcome - if the relationship is important. I've known couples who have heated arguments over whether the toilet paper should roll to the front or the back. That's not really something to be set in one's ways about. I do have some strong ideas about household procedures, but none of that is nearly as important as the quality of person I ended up with. He's shrunk a brand new merino sweater and a brand new cashmere sweater, but to me, that's not nearly as important as being able to say "I love you", and mean it with every fiber of my being when we go to sleep at night.

Right, which fits in perfectly with these universal facts: We get to choose our countries of birth, we get to choose our families, and we get to choose our economic statuses. For this cliche, you'd have to assume that someone has sole control over their life. Please, show me said person.

Age old question really, is it better to be with anyone than no one?

Where on earth are you getting that from? And why do you feel the need for the heavy sarcasm?

T'other mb did not say anything that contradicts the fact that we are born into our circumstances - she was talking about expectations.

I was also talking about expectations. How does a person go from expecting something, to the realization of those expectations? Either the person has to have sole control of their life, or everyone else around the person has the same expectations for the person as they have for themselves (which is not very likely). Let's just say, my experiences have taught me the exact opposite in life. You do not get exactly what you expect...although that would be nice, since I would be able to predict everything, and would in fact be God. But to each their own, of course :)

If you see this as a cliche, then you clearly don't get what I mean. We don't have control over any of those things but we do have control over the choices we make. To say we can't choose how we will react to our circumstances is irresponsible at best. It's entirely up to each of us to shape whatever future we want using whatever we've been given.

Ask Elizabeth Fritzl.

I'm really lucky...I never settled for anything. I was single from the mid 90's until last year. People asked me all the time why I was single. My response was simple...I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. Being picky pays off I have been with the love of my life for about a year!

But we don't have (total) control over the choices we make. Firstly, our choices have already been seriously constrained by other people and circumstances. Secondly, people do not always react/make choices that are consistent with their intentions (if our control was so absolute, they would be consistent). This is hardly irresponsibility; it is, however, part of the human condition (ie. knowing we are going to make a mistake before we even make the decision that led to it). Already it is quite the clumsy definition of self-actualization...but your last sentence was the kicker. Are you saying the futures that different people want are constrained by what they've been given? And by connect-the-dots, that many things are not in our control? When you take this belief into the real world, and when you personally achieve success, do you credit your family and friends? Are there no real people or circumstances that could get in your way? IMO, this cliche is of the worst variety...in that it exists only in the minds of white first worlders.