marriage is in trouble due to bad sex

*scribbles out the 7 and replaces with a 6*

Drifterwood,

I do love the man but I can't pretend he does not frustrate me at times. I guess the 'slug' comment was harsh, yes. Didn't think of it.

And no, I did not call him that to his face. I am just sounding off somewhere I feel safe doing so.

Sexual frustartion can really be an asskicker! And I do appreciate all he has done for me and the kids but a woman DOES have needs too!

Oh, btw, why is my 'veracity' in question? Please.....

Ditch him fast. He sounds too good for you.

I love the double standards.

Thanks to everyone else though, for the constructive advice though.

Anyways, I would be willing to bet anything that if it were some man being sexually dissatisfied, they would be encouraged to whip it out for the first willing female to come along. I hear so many damned stories of men cheating when their wives have new babies and become focused soley on motherhood and negligent of their marriages. My own father did that and he is not the first I have heard of.

I also do not see it as all that unusual either that when tragedies happen in marriages, men stray when their wives go distant from them.

But in this case, somehow the woman is the bad one? Whereas if the situation were reversed, I am sure there would be every excuse made for the man, he was stressed, 'you don't deprive a man of sex (geez I heard that a billion times when I found out my dad cheated on my mom in her postpartum period)' or many, many other excuses for his behavior or frusturation.

Yes, I realize he is a good man.I do still love him very much. I am glad he loves our daughter so much, but, it has been five months since she has been out of the hospital, and it is time now for him to relax with her, and allow her to live and to put life back into our marriage. It gets frusturating as hell when we are trying to get things going, or even have alone time without sex, and he is freaking over every little noise or non-noise coming from the babies bed. I was scared as hell for a long time too but we do have to have a marriage too at some point because she will one day grow up and leave us.

I guess I chose the wrong place to vent, excuse me.

Oh, in answer to one posters question regarding me being an 'alpha catch'? I do not post my pics on messages boards, esp one of this nature, for all the world to see but I did share my photos and dh's off this board with a poster named, I think 'bigmanTN'?

Ask him......

Where did I say if the situation were reversed, it would be acceptable for the guy to go fuck another woman?

You are making shit up which is contributing to your problem.

Woah nellie there, are you usually this hostile? Letting all your pinned up feelings about this situation loose on the OP is not necessary.

Here's some very different advice:

When you love someone, make what is important to THEM just as important as they are to you.

I know that's a little weird sounding but it works 99.9% of the time.

For example, if you're hubby is all about baby, then my suggest is to wax super-duper enthusiastic about his baby #2 (I assume from your posts that you have other children too).

For example:

-- Start talking about names for baby

-- Mark the calendar for "baby night" -- and have sex in ANOTHER ROOM if the baby girl is in your bedroom (your hubby might not be game to move the child just yet)

-- Book appointments for BOTH OF YOU to see the doctor, to make sure everyone's hormone's are hunky dory to make baby #2

-- Give him a book of sex positions/actions, and tell him that maybe if the sex was really, REALLY aggressive (wink, wink, nod, nod) then maybe that would up the chances of baby #2 being a boy. (I made that up, but maybe it's true to someone, somewhere) (sounds good to me )

-- Mark a particular page with a note: maybe Baby #2 would conceive if we did this.... kiss, kiss, kiss....

Don't think that this is manipulation -- it isn't. Give him what HE wants to get what YOU want.

And if you DO get him to the doctor (which is the most important part of the plan), then maybe you can fix the physical problems that are suppressing his sex drive.

As an aside, it also sounds like he has a psychological issue going on. Almost losing a baby can make some people kinda flip. My suggestion: If you don't have one already, get a baby monitor. You can often find them at gently-used baby/kid stores.

I'd create a little "room" in your room for baby (with curtains or a room divider), and use the baby monitor to make extra sure you can hear what's going on with baby.

Eventually, he'll come to trust the monitor, and baby will eventually leave the room.

It's kinda hard to have sex when baby might wake up and see you....

First, I am of the opinion that his weight could be a part of it. If he's very overweight, sex may be physically very straining for him. If he's even only slightly overweight, he might have body image problems that could cause a lot of problems for him mentally and, through them, sexually.

Second, he wasn't as sexual as you to begin with and he expressed his strong desire to be a father. Now he's not being very sexual and he's being a very fatherly figure to your daughter. It seems like he's being very much like what you expected he'd be like.

As for improving your sex life, there's a lot of great advice. Definitely tell him you need to have more sex, and that you want it to be with him. Express to him how important it is to you.

I respond like for like. Calling your mate slug behind his or back is very despicable. If you want to call someone a slug tell them to their face.

Saying that every excuse would be made if the situation was reversed is utter bullshit. There are many men in similar situations and yes I know a number of them personally that would NEVER EVER cheat on their wives in spite of the fact that they weren't getting what they wanted in bed at home.

Honestly, i havent read all the posts in this thread because its exhausting. There's so much psychology involved here. I missed the slug comment. But there does seem to be a large group of people who would skip out on their spouse for sex elsewhere than try to solve the problems at home. I have no idea where this thread has regressed since i read some of the responses yesterday, i thought it was about not being able to afford viagra and now im reading about babies and slugs and whatnot.

Penisuer. I made the catch comment, the veracity comment and the other ones.

You have had some very good advice on this thread.

My comments were a reaction to your tone of contempt for your husband even though he is by your own admission a great man in every other respect than sex. The guy puts out for you and your kid, I don't think he deserves your disrespect even on a forum and despite your understandable frustration. Add to this the fact tha he may have a medical condition as well as other issues. He needs your help not your contempt for his manhood. He saved yu from an abusive relationship and now that he needs your help, you abuse him.

I just wanted to make sure that you were being straight about the situation, hence veracity. So get yourself a bullet to take the edge off yourself and support your husband as he supported you. FWIW, I have sympathy for you, but get yourself a plan to deal with it now you have had your rant.

Thanks again for all your suggestions.

JMeister, I am done arguing with you. I have made nothing up at all, I have no reason to! Chances are, I will not meet anyone from here so what have I got to lose? I am yet another nameless faceless person in cyberspace. What have I got to prove? I came on here and put myself out so I could get good advice. I gave it all up and threw it all out there so that the advice given could be accurate. Also to, I guess you have never said anything to or about anyone out of anger or frusturation that you did not mean?

Drifterwood, I have poured my heart out about the entire situation which I did not intend to in the first place, but felt that a little more of our life and situation should be brought up to give a better picture of everything as I do love the man and want to be fair to him. Thank you though, for your input. You seem like a smart person who has been through and seen alot. How old are you?

Everyone else, thanks for your suggestions I have taken all of them in and thought about it.

WELL, dh and I had a long, long talk last night about everything. He has expressed that he wants to lose weight and it is getting exhausting to perform his job (alot of physical labor) and seems that it will help our romantic life as well. He then said that he doesn't know what he would do if I left him as me and our baby are as it put it 'the best things in his life'. I was wrong in how I spoke of him, but it was all out of frusturation.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post and give me your best advice...:)

No offense but it sounds like your hopelessness is self-directed...

Depends on who you're with; one technique doesn't always work on another. Also, it may not be you, though you aren't handling the situation well.

He's nearly 50; things like this can start slowing down a tad. Medical problems, hypertension for example, and low testosterone all play a part in andropause. The horny old man may be just becoming an old man; sex might feel great but it loses priority on the list of things to do. Unfortunately, he's 15 years your senior making you still "ready to go".

A number of things could be in play and you won't enjoy sex if you're the one taking all the responsibility anyway; it may be partially your fault you don't like it for trying to play doctor and ( hopefully this isn't the case ) not communicating your frustrations.

Question of the Day: Do you tell him these things? Also, are you going to impress upon him the activities of others; Randy may have said "Oh, I like to fuck a minx like you!" but if your current doesn't really swear or do that kind of thing you are stepping over the boundaries by attempting to derive from him that activity.

If he didn't use to do this then I don't see why he'd suddenly do it now; it's not only rude and derogetory in the minds of some people but it's uncalled for and unneccessary. Also, underwear is just underwear; he's a smart lad and I pity the rabble who thinks underwear holds some amazing sex property. If you know that's a no-go stop trying to go-there. Try something else, like, I don't know, sensual bathings, caressing, reading together, hell just talking; a lot of things are sexier than underwear and a ton more intimate.

Have you ever considered the thought that he's not interested? Do you ask him? Sorry to say, but men are not workhorses solely to fill your vagina no matter what it wants; you being in the mood is the only legal requirement for copulation by penetration; the rest doesn't depend on you and he might be seeing it as a pointless activity / might be depressed / might have other medical problems / might just not be interested and let you hurry up and do what you need to while he lays back and dreams of London.

Yeah, it really happens, guys can not be interested in what you want at the moment and do it out of pity or fear of making you unsatisfied. Apparently he might be digging his own hole.

Get another partner if you want; discuss the idea and don't go with the "He'd shoot it down right away!" idea; just tell him everything and let that be that; if you need someone your age to pleasure you fine and I'm sure as long as some rules are set up he'd agree whether happily or reluctantly. Of course you can get him a physical to make sure the old koot is alright, and even before that just tell him straight out how you feel, no hints, no bending, no wishy-washyness, etc.

If all else fails, buy a sybian; it's better than any man.

Only in fairyland love. Cheating, for guys, is still a heavy social crime with a heavy social punishment; it's "cool" to have many women but the moment you're committed to one most of the male population won't stand by you when you're penis has been in another.

Doesn't mean it's encouraged. Doesn't mean it's acceptable. Doesn't mean much of anything outside it happens; people cheat, male and female, congratulations; even from your own tone have you not noticed it's not appreciated by, usually, either side?

The Old Addage: "Men cheat when things are going wrong, women cheat when things are going right." has been proven time and time again. Just like our lassy here; she's got a great husband who cannot fulfill one aspect and she's ready to throw it all away for her vagina's sake? Same with rich women, who to my knowledge statistically cheat the most, etc.

Blame is never the way to go, and she hasn't tried many obvious things such as sexual therapy and worrying about his health as he is pretty old. Also, "bad" is the wrong term; everyone may be at fault, some for not listening and pretending that whatever they say should be the way it is, and some for not acknowledging the needs of others. Pointing fingers and justifying doing "social wrong" never works, no matter what side your on; apparently you're building that case and tearing it down at the same time. The world is overrun with nitwits.

Congratulations; you figured it out. It's not, at any point, justifiable. Now look, daddy may have fucked up, and I am sure there are support groups out there for that, but trying to advocate the crime as an equal oppurtunity does not help. You wouldn't tell Tommy, if Mary cheated on him, to go out, get another girl, and cheat on her. Same here. You don't tell people because bastard X did somethin' to copy and follow the bad leader.

Your kidding me. This is your problem, your mental issue and scarring from god-knows how long ago. How the fuck are you going to sit and "be okay" with a child who may be ill and expect him to just get on with it? It's not even been half a fucking year! I'm not saying he shouldn't attend to you, but can't he do so in other ways? He's probably stressed ( thus the lack of erections ) and probably can't really function too well because he cares for his kid.

Look, I understand you have a vagina, and I'm glad you have a clit, and machinery can outdo man everytime, so just go and buy a fucking machine and let him give a damn since, well... You obviously care a little less. Yes, she will fly the coop, and he will be fine with that, but your projection is just fucking off. This is stupid, it makes no sense; what does the little girl HAVE? That could matter, how is she? etc. The dude might be smarter than you to actually give two shits at what could happen, or he might be terrified and need therapy, many things can happen and if he's distracted the way to handle it is not to try and blame the kid for being ill or him for being worried. :/

I think you need the therapist with your little rant on Father Bear and why you should be excused. If you want another dick inside of you, go ahead, it's not for us to discern, but don't portray yourself as ignorant; it's not good for you.

It's called a support group fucker. Type it into Google.

"Alpha-catches" have more than a body, and you obviously lack the spirit, dedication, and mental prowess. You're a beta at best, but more likely a delta.