marriage is in trouble due to bad sex

He was receptive to taking the viagra to assist in producing the erections up to this point. What makes you think he is avoiding sex because of some deep seated resentment?

Just because it happened to you doesn't make it a universal experience.

Women can lose their sex drives for several reasons, not least the menopause at a similar age to your husband.

He may well simply be losing his testosterone levels as HG pointed out. Add this to the fact that he is overweight and you may have your answer.

I also agree with Gillette, talk to him about your needs,but don't expect it to happen overnight. Get him down the gym or training and dieting, and yourself a bullet vibrator. Then get a cockring, hell a rubber band will do the trick. make sure he knows that you are a sexual person and that you want him to be a part of that when and how he is ready. But don't push the when.

Two critical things you must do if you really wish it to work.

1. Neutral ground HONEST communication.
2. Get him to a doctor ASAP.

Prostate cancer is a real concern here (my Grandfather had ED, never went to the doctor and died from prostate cancer).

There are several other medical reasons (MANopause, Obesity, diabetes, enlarged prostate...) , emotional reasons (likes men now, lost the zing, self-conscious of himself...) and personal reasons (doesn't find you attractive...) that can cause ED or have signs of ED.

If he were mad at you, I would think there would be other signs.

Best of luck to both you.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions.

I will try to explain it best I can. The viagra did help, but our insurance stopped covering it so its like 80 bux for a bottle we used to get.

He never was an overtly sexual person, we have had decent sex but I just assumed over time he would learn to be more sexual, what an idiot I am.

A little background on dh;
He married me when he was 46 two and a half years ago(his first marriage, my second), and we both wanted a baby together as he was not getting any younger. He was completely obsessed with the idea of being a daddy finally after all those years. We got pg 6 months after we married and our daugther was born 3/31/07. He was absolutley overjoyed with her but it seemed after she was born, she became his total focus in life. Isn't that supposed to be a womans thing? I mean I wanted to start screwing again two weeks after I had her.
We almost lost her when she was 7 months old, and now he immensly overprotective of her. She still shares our room. Any little noise she makes, he freaks, and if shes quiet, he freaks. I love our baby girl too but shes ok now and healthy and I want our marriage back! All he ever talks about is having babies, more and more and quite frankly, I want only one more! Hes like a woman, seems like his main focus is babymaking and I am a woman, not a baby factory.
It is so weird, it seems like I should have been the man and he should have been the woman.

Hes just one of those really mellow, everyones 'big brother' type. The big teddy bear, the cuddler.
Me I am very sexual, have always been. He 'rescued' me from a horribly abuse to the point of almost killing me, first husband and my kids from that marriage. I looked at him as a hero for so long.

We have periods of good (well as good as it can get with an old-fashioned pushing 50 Catholic man) and bad sex and right now we seem to be in one of those bad periods and it is killing me because I want it more and more! I am 33 and am peaking!

Hell, I do not want to cheat on him, he is a sweetheart and he is good to me and we have a wonderful marriage in every single other aspect but this is killing me!

Keep the suggestions coming!

Oh, and he did go to a doc and doc says he needs to lose weight, that could be the prob. He has the dream but not the drive there.

Do all chubby men have low sex drives?

Hell no! That's like asking are all skinny chicks a bad lay. You can't generalise like that.

Being overweight can contribute physically and mentally - but it isn't an indicator.

Best thing is for your husband, if he is willing, to go have a full check up and for him to tell the doc he's having ED issues. The doc will take it from there. As for you, see if you can involve him in your orgasm some way that doesn't require him to have an erection. Does he perfrom oral sex on you? Does he play with your g-spot? Will he play with a dildo or vibe with you? There's lots of ways of having sex without an erect penis - ask a lesbian.

Your hubby sounds like a wonderful person.....you are a very lucky lady.....I am glad you and your children are not in the abusive situation you were in before.

The first thing I would do if I were you is to sit down and talk to hubby privately. Tell him you need more sex.....compromise and come to a number that both of you feel is reasonable.....like once or twice a week. Put it on the calendar....set a time for it.....Like every Saturday night at 7:00 p.m. is a fuck date. Until you get the money for Viagra prescription I would just let him do whatever he can. If you get horny on days that you haven't scheduled for sex......you masterbate......use toys. Make sure he knows that you are masterbating......he might like to watch. He might even like to watch you watching a guys web cam or something.

I am not one to talk about getting the young one's out of the bedroom......My two big kids keep trying to slip back into our King size bed night after night. And it does mess up the sex life. That is why we do the ole lock the bedroom door whenever we want to intimate.


Getting your man to exercise would be a good thing. Maybe a family bike ride.....Or walking or jogging for exercise. He needs to keep himself in good shape so he can keep up with his 1 year old daughter and her other siblings.

Getting your husband's testostrone levels checked is a good idea (like someone else suggested) My husband is 44 and he has had problems with that in the past. Also stress can cause ED sometimes too.

You might want to find out if there are any other forms of Viagra that your insurance might cover.....generic....whatever..... Or if you know of anyone going to Mexico for a trip.....I have heard that medication is cheaper down there. Or even see if you can get it cheaper online.

It's unfortunate to be in your situation; whats even more unfortunate is that your experiencing these difficulties so quickly in your marriage. There is a chance he only sees sex as a form of procreation, not all males are hungry sex fiends who want to have sex all the time. His upbringing may have taught him that sex is dirty and should only be done to have children...possibly.

I believe many people here have already given some very sound advice; I would suggest all forms of communication first before going towards the "doctor, diagnosis" route myself but thats just my opinion.

If this turns out to be a "medical" problem he has to be the one who wants treatment for it. Just like anything in life if he isn't willing to change or doesn't see a reason to change it will be hard to convince him otherwise.

Wish you all the luck in the world.


Dregun

I assume not, however perhaps the problem is depression from either stress at work or other factors (just feeling he's past his prime perhaps)? If he isn't motivated enough to keep himself in shape he certainly won't be prepared to perform and love you the way you want to be loved (or fucked, pick your poison).

A couple of years ago I became "the other guy" in a relationship like yours, due to her husband not giving her what she wanted. I have to say it made me feel terrible (and vow to not be in that position again), because I had this nagging feeling that if she put her energy into helping him get his mojo back (his "zest for life"), instead of booking expensive hotels with me, then she'd have a better chance of fixing things and getting what she wanted from him.

The problem with talking about it, is that if it's a deeply personal problem that he feels he has no solution to: for example he feels he's missed out on doing all sorts of things he feels he now has no chance of achieving/experiencing then he might think it can only hurt people he cares for , namely you, by bringing it up. Perhaps organizing some country walks to give you an opportunity to talk undisturbed, whilst passively improve his health will help in the short term. Beyond that I don't believe there's every a single simple solution other than be supportive (which you seem to be doing already).

If you think of your husband as a slug, I can't decide whether you mean him or his cock, I can't really blame him for not wanting sexual intimacy with you. Are you an alpha catch?

I read the 'slug' comment that way at first too - but you know, giving the beneift of the doubt, maybe it is just an expression of her frustration. Maybe she didn't start out thinking that way and that is an image that has come to mind when she's annoyed and frustrated by his seeming apathy. I would hope that she is just saying that to us and would never say it to him. Just because a thought like that occurs, and one even vocalises it (type it in this case), it doesn't mean that is one's overriding opinion. Her other comments about her husband - the non-sexual ones - are mostly very positive and loving.

Perhaps he's just a slow moving fat bastard? Sounds fairly slug like to me. Especially if he likes salad.

Regardless, she obviously married him for a reason, and I assume it wasn't his 'slug-side'. Yes, people do change over the years of marriage, but perhaps she just wants a bit more input/drive from him to change and she's simply driven to insulting him in exasperation when he does little/nothing?

I don't know MB - I'm not convinced by the veracity of this member, and I tend to think a partner deserves respect especially if he has done so much for her. I tend to read these posts in a reverse gender and wonder what the responses would be - not so charitable in this case, is my feeling.

"My wife saved my life, now she's only interested in our kid who nearly died, and she lies there like a corpse.................."

Hmmm... Well maybe - but the last time I attempted to discuss double standards on this site I got jumped for being a sexist - so I'm not going down that path tonight. No, I think instead I'll go get a glass to go with this Cabernet Carmenere that is winking suggestively at me from the corner of my eye.

Mine's a Marquis de Terme 2002 Margaux - it's too young really. But then it's no news that I like them fully matured.