Being a 19 year old bipolar, abused, male virgin

Buddy, my heart goes out to you. With continued therapy and the right combination of medications you can attain the balance in life you need and deserve. Believe it and hold on to your hope.

I saw a documentry once on how they used the same brain implant electrodes they use on parkenson patients on a bi polar guy and it did indeed kick start the brain in to a much up lifted state.

It's no help but hey, thought you might be interested.

*Offers a warm and gentle snuffle.*

Thanks guys for you support. If only my friends in real life were as helpful. I just get the feeling and I'm afraid that everyone will abandon me and a couple of them have already threatened to. I've already gone through too much suffering and don't need the added pain. I try to be as cheerful as I possibly can but it's really hard and I get down on myself very easily. And right now I feel unloved, unimportant, and misunderstood by the people I care most about.

That post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry and will remember you in my prayers. I have OCD and i am on Paxil everyday it helps me. I wish you all the best!
Landon

Will I am so proud of you and i am sure you will be able to control your condition. Please count on me.

Will,

It may help you to look at yourself objectively and read a little. What I've found is that very smart people tend to have some issue. Pick any inventor or scientist in history and browse their bio. I don't know why that is, but is.

I mention this because we all have different talents and gifts. If yours is a higher IQ, run with it and develop your level of knowledge in a few areas and see if you can come up with a career goal or just keep gathering info. The point of that is that it will increase your self esteme and hopefully lead to you not being too critical of yourself.

You mentioned anger. I used to get angry all the time too when I was 19. Then I came across an article that asked how often do you get angry? I answered to myself, 20-30 times a day. I read on and was somewhat amazed at how high that number is compared to the average person. (duh?). So I thought, what do I get angry about? The mental list was embarrassing: while driving I'd get mad 5-10 times a day because people are morons or don't pay attention. If someone was late or said something stupid or inconsiderate and on and on and on. The range was from things that no one should get angry over to something everyone would react to.

So I thought I'll mentally keep track of how often I get angry. Day one and two, I got mad about the same and thought this is stupid to be this way, I'm going to work on it. Then the number dropped to 10 times. Still bad, but better.

Then I worked on getting that number down and this was the thing that changed me ever since; the next time something happened that I'd get angry about I thought "Is this something I'm going to care about in a month? If the answer was no, I just let it go.

Think about that for a little while and come up with your own mechanism or use that one.

From that day forward, I haven't been upset in the car. Someone cuts me off, doesn't go on a green light etc, I won't care about it in a month, so let it go.

If a family member does something I don't like and I won't care about it in month, I make the choice to not get angry. I think the same way about people I don't know well or friends too. Anger is a choice.

It thinks wise to think of it that way. Let's say one of your friends is trying to take advantage of you in some way. Let say financially paying a bar tab and he does this consistently. You can get angry, talk privately with him about it when you aren't "in the moment" as it's happening. Or you can start using your time for something other than him. You have choices.

Most anger is fueled by the notion that we are owed something. It could be money or better treatment and apology etc. If you don't think a person is willing to discuss and issue and change a little, just forgive them in your mind. If you truly forgave them, it's a done deal. If the issue keeps recurring, you need to think about who you spend your time with.

As a result of changing my outlook, I eventually went a month without getting angry at all. Once I built up a streak, choosing to get angry was harder to do. If I had 20+ days and some thing happened to potentially irritate me, I'd think "is it worth blowing the streak for THIS?"

That thinking really moderated my behavior and YES there are times to get mad. I'd be mad if someone hit me or I see someone hit a kid, purposely damage my property or be so unaware that they did it by "accident", but the reality is that they weren't paying attention or just didn't care. I'm talking about a car or house or something that I would still care about in a month.

There is more to you and your story than anger. I thought I'd start there to encourage you on a peaceful path. No one is particularly attractive as a friend, family member etc when they are angry, so choose to only be angry after you thought about it. I've never made someone understand me better or have them change their ways because my volume increased or if I was using junky language and I know when someone is that way with me, their message is lost and I'm more focused on their anger than their words.

I won't say good luck. You may not be able to control your brain chemistry (seratonin) or people around you, but you can change how you react.

Thanks. I actually don't get angry nearly as much as I used to. I mostly get down, upset, and depressed. And my equilibrium gets all messed up. I know I need to stay positive and have positive people around me. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Will, it's good you don't get angry often! As you've seen in society most men do get angry way too often. More in a minute on the other stuff.

Do you live at home or alone? Roommates?

I live at home with my dad and his wife. They're good people at least. I get along with them for the most part. I have a real problem connecting and feeling loved however. By my family or friends.

Will,

I and many others struggled with depression. It tends to be a seratonin level problem and there are several drugs that are now generic that will have you back to your good old self in about two weeks. There is a generic form of Zoloft for example. I get a month supply at Costco for $22.

Having your seratonin level off is not much different than having your insulin level off. They both affect us greatly.

I believe Target now has a $4 prescription program meaning they charge $4 more than what they pay for it.

Some people believe anger to be inward anger as opposed to outward. I'm not sure I agree with that, but it may be true. I've read a lot about depression and most medical journals or articles talk about the effect of seratonin. There is a class of drugs referred to as SRRI which = seratonin re-uptake inhibitors (I think).

If you ever need someone to talk to send me a message. My brother,mom,dad, and sister are bipolar but i am not i deal with people like that every day. My best friend was someone just like you but he was suicidal and was a drug addict you can never be cured from your issues but you can learn to deal with them i am still trying to help my friend its been 3 years now. Remeber all things begin with a though and your dreams can only be inspired by the dreamer. I have self esteem issues you have to look in the mirror every day and say i am the greatest person i know. Tell yourself you are better than anyone than you will believe it but don't walk around treating people like crap. God has blessed you and since you wrote this people are here to help you.

I understand. I too used to feel that way at your age and I think it's because my guy peer group was just like me: I was selfish and primarily concerned with how things affected me and my life.

When surrounded by people like that, finding a loving friend is difficult.

My parents loved me, but they didn't say it or hug. It took me years to realize that their form of expression was providing for us as much as they could. It was important to them that we had a quiet place to do our homework where with good lighting and plenty of space so we weren't always moving it like you'd have to if you did it in the kitchen. We had bedroom that had a desk and lamp for each of us.

We had dinner together every night at the same time. My parents worked hard a having a predictable pattern to our day yet we still had a lot of free time. Their primary goal for us was for us to do well in school, so they ran the house around that goal.

Not many people are good at showing love to each other and at your age it's harder to find particularly among guy friends. If you have some friends that are girls, that would be great.

It may be that your parents aren't good at expressing their love, so you have to look for it.

A difficult part of relationships is that we have to be the example for our friends how we want them to be. If we don't like listening to their problems, then we shouldn't expect them to listen to ours. If we want patience and kindness and forgivess and selflessness, then we should be that way first and if it isn't reciprocated, keep being that way and never comment on it. They'll change or you'll attract different kinds of friends eventually. The key is being selfless and not to worry about them reciprocating for a long time.

Families are a different matter completely. Sadly, most families treat each other poorly because they aren't going anywhere. It's still an issue with my family, but not me. I eventually told them I expect to be treated similarly to how you treat the neighbors: when you're mad at me express it to me as you would them. If you can't do that, then I'm going to come around less. I wasn't put here to be crapped on because you're in a bad mood etc.

I actually have very few friends because I tend to rub people the wrong way and push them away. I try to be loving and give people I care about my all but it's difficult for me to have meaningful friendships and relationships.

I have actually only been back here for 3-4 weeks now. My dad comes and talks to me and gives me a place to sleep at night and gives me at least a little bit of attention. My parents care but my mom has her own personal issues and I don't think I can forgive her for what she's put me through and my dad wasn't really there until last year when he took me in. They don't really know who I am as a person but my dad tries to understand.

Most of my problems are with my female friends. My male friends are ok and the listen and treat them nicely and they're more tolerant of me. My female friends are always trying to fix me say i need to help myself and usually misunderstand me, make me feel unloved and uncared for and I know I'm looking for a connection kind of to replace my mother. I need someone to love me where I can feel and can connect. My therapist is great but I feel no connection even though I know she understands me. I show people that I care but I don't feel that they really do. I listen to myself and want to do my best for myself and I don't think they make an effort for me. I live by treat people how you want to be treated and I tend to be ignored, made fun of or otherwise treated like shit.

My friends complain that I dwell on my problems too much and I try not to but when I'm alone a lot of the time I'm depressed and I need to feel better somehow because I know keeping it in is not healthy for me at all. I did feel like jumping off the deep end today but I don't want to. I want to feel better really badly but I know it's gonna take time and I need people who will stick with me in my life. But sometimes people make me feel like they're going to abandon me and that they only direction I can go is down.

I'm 52. I was diagnosed as bipolar type 2 when I was 42. I came from an extremely abusive background. I was married twice, a total of 24 years. After my 2nd marriage, I had to make some bid decisions about my life. I felt I had been robbed of any real happiness, any real, stable family life. The best things that I felt happened to me were my 2 great kids, and my gift in music.

After the 2nd marriage, I wanted to become well. I wanted to know what life would be like to be happy, not over medicated, without huge daily drama.

I made peace with my family. That was good, because my dad died soon after. My kids who had nearly anything to do with me, are very close to me now. They are both wonderful human beings.

I started reading. I wanted to know the truth about a lot of things. We are raised with so many social taboos and norms. I decided I had to find out what my own personal truth is, and live it. I started reading. I was raised in a religious family. I no longer bought all of it. I was lead to a video called "The Secret." I now think it's good, but it's not the whole story. That lead me to Eckhard Tolle's writings of "The Power of Now" and his new book, "A New Earth."

These things have revolutionized my life. I am at peace. I have learned valuable lessons. I have managed to find a program that helps me stay level and rational. I am no longer tortured by my own horrible, negative, twisted thoughts. I do have bad days. I have setbacks and problems to solve every day, but life is sweeter than I've ever known it.

The path to a happy life, to healing and recovery can be long. And every path is individual. What may work for me, may not work for you. But, if I were you, I would consider checking into the following:

On itunes, do a search for Oprah/Eckhart Tolle's podcast of "A New Earth." I think the podcasts are remarkable and life-changing. If you like to read, get the book, and also consider "The Power of Now."

To get level, check out this website: Truehope - Mental & Physical Well Being. Just start reading. If it's right for you, you'll know. If it's not, then be intent on finding the right path, the right people to help you address your bipolar disorder, and don't believe the negative stuff your mind is feeding you. You are NOT your thoughts. Your thoughts are a result of a lot of horrible experiences and a biochemical imbalance.

You can have a wonderful life. It wouldn't hurt to make a mental gratitude list when you are feeling really negative. Every thought is a vibrational frequency. If you can turn negatives around with positives, you open yourself up to find and discover and learn positive things.

Be good to yourself. Have hope. Do one thing at a time. Be patient.

I want to know what life is like to be well too. I want to know what its like to have people in your corner who will stick by you.

I'm overstressed over-burdened and underloved and sexed.

I just want happiness and peace and someone to love me in spite of me.