i'm working on a gay urban novel, check it out

marleyisalegend

thanks, i was pondering posting the beginning of chapter 7 because it shows the main character in school, showcasing his more intellectual side, but there's no sex and most of its in spanish. guess i'll wait til his blowjob at the bone thugs n harmony concert, oops did i say too much??

......i don't wanna have to eat lettuce. those stupid bags of spring mix PISS ME OFF.....


i know you've taken to wearing your father's hand-me-down anger, but i wish that you wouldn't it's a few sizes too big and everyone can see it doesn't fit you, makes you look silly, hangs loose in all the wrong places, even if it does match your skin color.....

Northland

From a professional standpoint (keep in mind that I do this for pay) I offer the following:


Take some breaths!

Here's a helpful hint-when writing and giving back and forth dialogue between characters; each character action and/or quote/thought is essentially a new paragraph. When writing, remember to breath.

Here is your format:

"Hand me that Vonetta Flowers picture" he demanded without sounding demanding or looking up from the paper. While I flipped through the cd booklet He continued drawing at a frantic pace and in my elevated state of mind I found myself entranced in the rhythm, broken when he finally set his pencil down and surveyed his piece. He faced it towards me and it didn't take long to realize he had sketched a copy of Vonetta Flowers. I was impressed by the detail and precision of the drawing. Julian got up and set next to me on the bed so I could get a better view. "Julian man, this is really good. How long you been drawin'?" "Since I was a kid. My father was into architecture, and he taught me how to draw. For my nineth birthday he got me a camera, an old-school polaroid. I've been into photography and art ever since." I grinned, "you ever pick up a basketball?" I asked though I was sure I already knew the answer. "No, not really. I was never big on sports or anything. I watch it sometimes but I haven't played since I was about eleven or twelve. If you want to shoot around for fun that's cool, I feel like doing something active." The weed must've been good because it wasn't until we got up that I noticed my hand was on his leg. He paid it no mind, and went into the bathroom to change into the Nike shorts I got out of my drawer. He didn't bother closing the door and my mind was so twisted I had to catch myself from watching him undress, though I couldn't help but notice the big bubble sticking out of the back of his boxers. "Nigga you might wanna hit the gym" I told him when he walked out of the bathroom. He gave me the most puzzled look I'd ever seen on his face. "Huh?" he asked. "Nothing nigga, let's go." It wasn't until we made it to his car that I realized I still had a two more blunts rolled...[/quote]

Try this method:

"Hand me that Vonetta Flowers picture" he demanded without sounding demanding or looking up from the paper.

While I flipped through the cd booklet he continued drawing at a frantic pace and in my elevated state of mind I found myself entranced in the rhythm, broken when he finally set his pencil down and surveyed his piece. He faced it towards me and it didn't take long to realize he had sketched a copy of Vonetta Flowers. I was impressed by the detail and precision of the drawing. Julian got up and set next to me on the bed so I could get a better view. "Julian man, this is really good. How long you been drawin'?"

"Since I was a kid. My father was into architecture, and he taught me how to draw. For my nineth birthday he got me a camera, an old-school polaroid. I've been into photography and art ever since."

I grinned, "you ever pick up a basketball?" I asked though I was sure I already knew the answer.

"No, not really. I was never big on sports or anything. I watch it sometimes but I haven't played since I was about eleven or twelve. If you want to shoot around for fun that's cool, I feel like doing something active."

The weed must've been good because it wasn't until we got up that I noticed my hand was on his leg. He paid it no mind, and went into the bathroom to change into the Nike shorts I got out of my drawer. He didn't bother closing the door and my mind was so twisted I had to catch myself from watching him undress, though I couldn't help but notice the big bubble sticking out of the back of his boxers.

"Nigga you might wanna hit the gym" I told him when he walked out of the bathroom.

He gave me the most puzzled look I'd ever seen on his face. "Huh?" he asked.

"Nothing nigga, let's go."

It wasn't until we made it to his car...
Who is Tremaine? I read through the pieces you printed here and am unable to find this character-please direct me to where he was mentioned.


Your story line seems to have potential; although, as others have indicated, it is hard to fully grasp, as the chapter parts you've given are standing alone without direct connection to anything else. I would be interested in reading the opening chapter (or at least a part of it) if you feel so inclined. By bringing us (the readers) in at Chapter 4, a large part of what has led to the current situation is a mystery and we are left wondering how this moment was reached. Plot lines develop and with them comes character development. Although a story can be picked up at any time, it is helpful to have the beginnings. Would a Hemingway or Faulkner story make as much sense if the first 100 pages were missing?

Again, I find the story as shown to be interesting and I am merely offering suggestions.

“Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, ‘This is the real me,’ and when you have found that attitude, follow it.” -William James

marleyisalegend

actually you brought up a wonderfully valid point that i've unfortunately procrastinated against. my ideas come and go in bursts so when i start writing i'm only concerned with getting as many words down as possible, i was going to save all the spacing for later, as long as i know the chapters are similar in length. as far as the excerpts, i actually sacrificed chronology for drama. instead of picking out a string of excerpts that made sense, i was looking for passages with oh-my-god-he's-turning-gay tones, drama i guess you'd call it. honestly i didn't think this many people would be reading this but since you guys are taking the time to i guess i owe you better. unfortunately i can't close the thread and start from scratch, but as soon as i make it through the passage i'm working on, i'm going to start back at posting from chapter 1 and try to make a lil more sense. i dunno if i said this already, but until this year my life has been songs and poems, so the whole novel thing is more of a touch-and-go sorta thing, i'm an amateur. but i'm glad you took the time to point out some pretty bad "behavior" on my part. i never considered that posting it unedited as i have been is probably visually unstimulating. call me anal-retentive but i think i'll ask a mod to close this so i can start all over with a more suitable format

......i don't wanna have to eat lettuce. those stupid bags of spring mix PISS ME OFF.....


i know you've taken to wearing your father's hand-me-down anger, but i wish that you wouldn't it's a few sizes too big and everyone can see it doesn't fit you, makes you look silly, hangs loose in all the wrong places, even if it does match your skin color.....