racism and dating.need some advice

This most recent relationship is the first time I've dated a guy whose skin color is anywhere near mine, and he's Hispanic.

The longest relationship of my life (12 years) was with a man who's Black and Cherokee.

What helped me was learning to ignore the stares and walk around with my head held high.

Also, "normal" is in the eye of the beholder? No, it's in your own perspective. If you show in all manner of nonverbal ways that you feel your relationship with someone of a different color is normal for the two of you, then most people will respond accordingly.

NCbear (who knows that South Carolina is a different world, but who also knows that this is 2008 and some things have changed--or else they'll have to change)

You know your family aren't accepting of white people. A given. You know you are going to feel uncomfortable with the local hoodies. Another given. Plan on how to properly deal with their issues. Don't ever think that you are going to change their minds. You won't.

You have found a soulmate. And are you going to let the hoodies and your family mess with that?

Agree 100 percent.

yep, it's true... nothing is too weird or out of line for us californians, like myself

I cant stand any form of prejudice. I find it hard to accept that in America there is such tension.

Prejudice comes in many forms, ( being gay - for me, etc )

If you truly believe in what you are doing is right & pure & true, make a stand. You know, you are probably not the only person in your area going through the same thing.

I used to think I was the only gay person in Australia when I was your age.

My family have learnt to accept - they might not condone.

Those who stick by you are truly your friends, those who dont stick by you, do you really need their praise?

Good luck & be true to your heart, & dont bow down to pressure of the mob.

All the best from Down Under.

your damn if you do and your damn if you dont....so go for it

yea yall are right. now i just gotta figure out how to spring it on my family. my sister prolly wont even care and my cousins (most of them atleast) wont care either but its the older ones. i wonder wat i should say

Just move to new jersey dude, or post some pics...

i'd say wait for the right time to tell your family about her. don't just spring it on them out of the blue. my advice would be to get the immediate family members all together at once and tell them then. it's always easier to say it once instead of explaining yourself over and over to each person. even if they react badly, just remember this about you and what makes you happy. good luck! keep us updated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Damian Johnson Dude a relationship is all about how the other person makes u feel. Its not about the colour of their skin their wealth or status in society. Also its u that are having the relationship. Not your family your friends or your neighbours. Yes its tricky for you but if she makes u feel good stick with it and if its meant to be it will last.

That's good advice, but until you have experienced the overt and covert racism that still thrives in America you just don't get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave NoCal What NJQT said, except that SOUTH (ie. Miami area) Florida might work.

Florida is where many people from the north go to retire. It is also the only southern state in which it's natural inhabitants have no discernible drawl. Miami last time I heard was like a little Cuba. I had a few Cuban friends in college. They were very cool and I loved learning about their culture and food.

Do you think that's because California wasn't settled by religious pilgrims?

Good advice, but he's young and it's so hard to go against your familys beliefs at that age. I still remember the screaming match that ensued when I told my father a white boy had asked me to the senior prom.

Years later when I was seriously dating a white man, my father not only wouldn't allow him into our home (forcing us to sneak around) he had a codicil added to his will stating that "if I marry a white man I get nothing." If I marry a white man and my dad dies , the part of his estate previously designated, for me is, to be divided between a few black charities. I am not joking. He really had this done I have seen the will. It's important to realize that a) my parents aren't wealthy, b) all the good stuff is in moms name, c) I am an only child.

I feel the OP's pain I really do. I was about 20 when I realized that everytime I tried to make my parents happy I failed and felt miserable. The best thing I could do for me was to just do what I could to make me happy, within the parameters of the law and the 10 Commandments. Anytime I have been miserable, unhappy, or depressed it has been because I had forgotten that.

Dude, it sounds almost like you're coming out of the closet! Like all these people are going to be crushed when you tell them what's going on.

You've gotten lots of really good "be true to your love advice" that I agree with and won't just regurgitate here. My practical advice? First, don't say anything about how you found the African American women you dated to be immature. I think that would just piss people off. If people ask you "Why a white woman?" say it's not about white, it's about her. If she were not white I'm assuming you'd still feel pretty much the same about her, no? I'm sure that will be a tough pill to swallow for some people, but it's not about you. It's about them. I think, though, that as long as people understand (no matter how long it takes) that this relationship is not about a white woman but this woman in particular things will turn out as well as they can.

You may also want to consider carefully how you introduce her to your family. Talk about her first, maybe? How great she is, how happy she makes you. You know better than I do the great stuff about her. Maybe say you're worried about being introduced to her family because you're not white. Maybe once you've introduced the idea of her you can introduce the actual her more easily?

And have you talked to her about all of this? Has she talked to you about what it will be like introducing you to her family? This is a really stressful time for couples in your situation, I know. You need to present a united front and you need to be each other's support.

Come here to Oregon. We'll welcome you with open arms. So long as you recycle your trash. And so long as you're not from California.

I have no real advice for you, but I'm hoping you get clarity about what you need to do. Good luck!

Well, he doesn't have to take my advice if he is unsure of the ramifications. But this is an issue between his happiness and his family's and his hoodies' happiness. You can only live one life not others too. Why do family and hoodies have to drag each other down? That is some hateful shit.

What if this girl is truly the one for him? You want him to miss out on being happy? Maybe they could work it out on their own.

NJQT, I am sorry that your father wrote codicils in his own will. It is his right. You don't have to count on him to support you though. You either hit the lottery, marry an independently wealthy white hottie, or work as a successful entrepreneur in your own right. Be happy by your own standards...not by anyone else's.

hey man that sucks! i went through the same thing with my ex. He was white and im hispanic. We would get looked at and whatnot but hey w/e. I dont know about u but for one I dont care what ppl think and two always keep your head held high. All those ppl are, are ignorant. Be straight up with everyone and if they cant except you guys then thats just something that they will either deal with or they will cut themselves out of ur lives.

Wow! What a tough predicament. I support you, and wish you the best however this turns out.

Do you think anybody in your family can become your ally? Once you win that person over, he or she can act as advocate for you and your girlfriend. Your ally can speak on your behalf and perhaps even convert over others in your family. Also, if you fear some relatives may have strong hostile reactions, the mere presence of an ally may soften their words against you.

NJQT, so sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. It aint fair to you or any potential husband of yours, and I wish people could see past skin color to accept others for their character. At least your mother owns the "good stuff" as you put it.

I very briefly dated an African-American woman, but that relationship never went far, and I never told my folks about it. Only later did I discover that my sister can't stand being around black people. I wish she thought otherwise, but it is up to her to choose her attitudes and the best I can do is call her on her words, and challenge her to become better.