penis burned and scraped

So at the risk of revealing my true identity,

I am a former Jedi knight, but during a light-saber duel battle with my teacher, I ended up getting badly burned. I do mean really burned - like my clothes caught fire from scorching lava. With all my clothes burned off, I had nothing to protect my bare skin from getting scraped by sharp hot rocks. Needless to say, I barely escaped with my life - but without my manhood intact. I'll spare you the details - in case you're kinda squeamish about those things.

My new master, who is wise in using the force to extend life and restore health, promised to restore my manhood. He says he can even extend it. I can't tell you who my new master is for he is a well known politician, but keeps his private life to himself. The man is gentle and soft-spoken, and has helped my career every step of the way. Well, to keep me alive, he says he had to put me inside this suit with a breathing apparatus. Anyhow, to get to the point. As you know, a man has urges, and here I am, stuck inside this suit where I can't even reach my penis. He says he will use his knowledge and powers to restore me to complete health someday, but first he wants me to do some tasks for him. You know, like track down some pesky do-gooders who just get in his way.

Frankly, I thought he was all okay, but it turns out he has me by the balls.

What can a guy do?

Is your Master the Governor of New York??

I suggest you not mock my master for your sake. He is not as forgiving as I am. He is far more powerful than a mere governor.

the obvious answer is

use the force...

How much of your manhood did you lose - such that he can still have you by the balls?

Oh those are still there. I just can't scratch them when I am stuck inside this damn suit!

Delusions of grandeur.. heh

very strange.

very strange, indeed!

You doubt me? I find your lack of faith disturbing. Trust me, the Jedi are relentless.

Next you'll be claiming to have sired royalty.

Say, weren't you with the Harmonicats?

Hmmmm. Are you sure you're in a suit and not in a pickle?

Well, I once married a queen, but she died shortly thereafter. If we had a girl, our daughter would be a real princess.

"Oh Balls," said the queen, "if I had two I'd be the king!"