I grew up in Zion (that's what mormons call Ewetaw) and the idea that they are a "major" religion always amuses me. What other religion believes they can baptize you into their faith
after you have died? I always found that a curious thing. However, I'm certain other belief systems have equally odd or disturbing quirks.
Until I escaped Zion at 16 in 1966, I had the misfortune of attending mormon "seminary" classes in 9th grade. The
State of Ewetaw allows for students to attend 5 hours or regular public school classes and opt to walk off of public school grounds for 1 hour to attend instruction in mormonism at a mormon seminary institute each day. Every public high school in Ewetaw has a mormon seminary institute built just outside of the public high school's property line. It was my mother who explained that I needed to attend her mormon belief system's seminary classes. At the time, I did not know any better. So instead of sitting through an hour of advanced algebra or possibly a language class, I sat through an hour, 5 days a week for 1 school year of mormon brainwashing. During that time I heard the most racist, bigoted, intolerant bull shit presented by "adults" as being "the gospel" and "true." It was incredibly embarrassing.
For example, did you know that if you do not have white skin that upon accepting the mormon "gospel" you will "
become whitesome and delightsome?" That's how they used to present it. Then someone decided to change that particular wording in the newer versions of the book of all things mormon. One might say the book of mormon is a work in progress. Still,
blacks were/are the descendent's of Cain (as in Cain and Able) and
cursed with black skin.
Yes, black skin was/is a curse. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, no?
Until about 1976 or so, blacks or men with dark skin were not allowed "to hold the priesthood," or in my definition: the magic. In Anthropology we tend to simplify things: most cults have some sort of magic they allow a specific part of their organization to maintain and pass on. But when the IRS started checking and there was the very real threat that mormons would lose their status as a church (a non-tax paying entity) because they did not extend the same rights and benefits to everyone, regardless of race, suddenly men with black or dark skin were allowed to become members of the priesthood. Coincidence? The members of that particular cult say it was divine prophecy from their living prophet (often spelled profit by many jack-mormons).
As for
Jews, well, they are a complete lost cause in mormon theology. Supposedly, sometime in Jewish history after Abraham and before Jesus the Christ, Jews strayed and were no longer God's true church; therefore, mormons believe
they are God's true church restored in "these latter days." But instead of keeping
Kosher, mormons keep
J-ELLO salads and
tuna casseroles.
Another "special" thing about mormons is they insist that the indigenous cultures of the Americas (ALL of the Americas) are descendent's of one of the lost tribes of Israel. You'll excuse me if I'm not up on exactly how many tribes Israel supposedly had or how many of them were "lost." (I smell a TV series.) I think the number is 12, but not certain. Yet it is the duty of them thar mormons to bring the true gospel to the children of those lost tribes. They even have a special name for them:
Laminites. Yup, if you have brown skin and are from South, Central, or North America with mestizo antecedents you get to be categorized as a
laminite. For those of you with Latino heritage and grandparents from Mexico, Central and South America -- can't you just feel the love? My grandmother, a mestiza orphan from Zacatecas, was "taken in" by mormons who felt it their duty to "civilize" laminite children. For many years it was common for mormon families to temporarily "adopt" a Navajo, Hopi, or other Native American child from a reservation and "take them in." I hope this practice has long since been discontinued. If it hasn't, there's yet another reason to avoid all things mormon. When I attended elementary and intermediate school in the 50's and 60's it was common for many Native American children to show up and attend schools in Ewetaw. But at the end of the school year they were summarily returned to the "Res" until their sponsors decided they wanted them back for another year or two. It all depended upon how well the kids "integrated" into mormon kulture.
And apologists for the mormons go on and on and on about how every day new evidence is discovered by anthropologist from Brigham Young University working at archaeological digs, especially around Guatemala, that prove their book of mormon is true and that Jesus the Christ took a bit of a vacation after he was resurrected to teach the laminites in the Americas about God's plan for them. I'm certain one of the plans was that they wouldn't be confused with
Formica. But hey, when it comes to mormons and mormonism one never can tell. Lately I hear that research regarding mitochondrial DNA has shown there is no evidence that the indigenous folks of the Americas have anything genetically in common with Sephardi Jews, but scientific truth has never stopped mormons from making blind ass claims that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong.
The idea that sex before marriage is the de facto way mormons behave is just so much lip service. They rarely practice anything they teach. In Ewetaw County, in the State of Ewetaw, the incidence of teen-age pregnancies is rather astonishing. A hefty number of young mormon women are pregnant before they enter the usual shotgun marriage arrangement.
As for homosexuality and mormons, my brother who to this day maintains a deep belief in his mormon faith, assures me that I need to be baptized in my own blood to achieve atonement in God's eyes. And from what I can tell, he would be more than happy to mete out that particular justice. There is no room for homosexuality in the mormon belief system. They are great supporters of aversion therapy to "cure" homosexuality and believe The Evergreen group is a good idea.
I truly feel sorry for gay men and women who grow up in the mormon belief system. They are taught that family is the most important and central aspect of life. I'm all for families. But the minute one of them admits to being gay, the general trend is that child or adult is a lost sinner who has succumbed to Satan, unless they renounce their sexuality and promise not to have sex except in marriage. I can't even begin to count the number of gay mormons I have known who have killed themselves because they could not resolve their sexuality with the all-mighty authority of their cult. I also know a slew of men (as in more than 50 or 60 by name) who are gay, married with children, and living lives of pure misery. They love their children, though.
As for myself, I was never a member of that cult, despite their insistence I needed to be baptized when I was 8 years-old. Supposedly, at 8 years-old one can discern between right and wrong and that mormons are God's one and only true church on Earth. In your fucking dreams! Therefore, I was always living inside on the outside of mormon kulture until I could drop out of high school and head for friendlier waters in San Francisco. That also meant no longer having anything to do with my family for a very long time, until my parents were so old that they sort of had a clue that maybe their belief system didn't exactly satisfy their lives.
My heart goes out to ex mormons, especially those who are gay. Sadly, I have this bad feeling that once a mormon finally figures out his or her sexuality and accepts his or her self, they are pretty much damaged goods. They tend to carry a sense of guilt and sadness with them to the grave. In short, they don't make great life partners, unless you're a social worker or psychologist and can deal with all that emotional baggage.
There is an old joke about mormons, who eschew all things too hot, too cold, too much caffeine or alcoholic:
Q: Why is it that when you invite a mormon fishing you must invite at least two?
A: Because if you invite only one he'll drink all of your beer. (If there are two, neither of them will drink in front of the other.)
And there's so much truth to that ancient joke.
For a better idea about mormons and gays may I direct those who are interested to
What Not, What Have You, and Such As That.
Sister Dottie is a radio host from Spanish Fark, Ewetaw and the proud mother of her gay son
Donnie. She also claims to be the head of the Spanish Fark chapter of
PFLAG. There's only one video, but her pronouncements about mormons and gays are right on target. Definitely worth enjoying . . . if you're into that sort of deviancy.
By the way, if any of this posting offends LDS members of LPSG or anyone else, well . . . tough buffalo apples. PM me and I'll be happy to write your bishop a personal letter that you lurk on a web site ostensibly dedicated to large penises that has lots of photos. You don't even have to send me any postage.
