What do you all think...

What to do? · 02-26-2008

I have to agree with Gillette on this one. As I was reading, my first thought was that an ER visit for a second date is possibly too much for someone. No offense, but dating (especially in the beginning) is all about fun. I think that I would have just postponed the date an hour or so and had a friend take me. I am sure that you have become accustomed to the hospital setting, but some people are really weird when it comes to hospitals and don't like going when they have to, much less for a quick injection to start off the romantic evening.

njqt466 · 02-26-2008

[quote=sugarandspice;1319521]
Quote:

I met a guy on the net and we went to movie. We had a few things in common and we were supposed to get together last Friday night and work on one of my businesses and have dinner.

Am I correct in thinking that Friday night was to be a combination 2nd date and business meeting?

Quote:

Friday came and I was having a lot of inflammation in my neck from therapy and had to keep it iced and thought I needed to go to the hospital and get a Toradol injection.

You couldn't do that during the day before the date?

Or did it not start to bother you until it was time to go out.

Quote:

The ER visit wouldn't really take that long since they know me. I needed a driver and it should have only taken 45 to 90 minutes.

Quote:

So I asked the guy to take me to the ER and hang with me. He didn't want to.

I don't blame him! I have rarely been to an ER where I was there under 3 hours sometimes as many as 10 hours. The man was there for a business dinner and maybe some romantic stuff, NOT to play Florence Nightingale/chauffer.

If a guy told me on the 2nd date I had to take him to the ER first, so that he could get an injection of a pain reliever; but not to worry it wouldn't take long because they know me there. All he would have seen was my dust backing out the driveway.

Quote:

In the past and present men treat me very well and would take me to the ER and hang with me.

Of course they did, they want to see you nekkid; and what better way to do that than to get you loopy first on pain killers.

Quote:

I guess I didn't realize what a hassle it would seem like to him but we could still see each other and talk while I was waiting and what not. I thought it was reasonable.

No, it was not reasonable, it sounds like you were testing him.

I used to get bronchitis 6 times a year. I have been in ER's all over the country most are dirty, full of people I would never associate with on a bet, and they are always understaffed. That said the quickest, best care; and cleanest ER I have been to was in Palm Springs, CA.

Quote:

I am trying to see if I am a little spoiled by very kind friends who are not the norm or if this guy is a "fair weather" friend.

Yes, you are spoiled! He may have been giving you serious contemplation on a business level. But now he has to wonder if you are regularly too sick to do business with him.

If he was looking for sex then he doesn't want someone who might not be available for booty calls; because she doesn't feel well.

I don't think he's a fair weather friend. I think your expectations are way out of line for someone you just met.

Quote:

Almost everyone who knows me has been to the hospital with me. I am very blessed to have wonderful friends.

Yes, you are blessed. But there is a huge difference between a friend, a lover, and a business associate. Sheesh, if on the 2nd date he has to sit with you at the ER, what do you do for fun on the 3rd date ask him to help you move into a 3rd floor walk-up?

You need to get a grip on reality!

Quote:

I am trying to decide how I feel about the Fair Weather Guy. I thought maybe he considers me a potential convenient piece of ass since he acted like he really liked me but couldn't hang out with me in the ER.

Jesus Christmas! 1) NEVER mix business with pleasure. 2) Whether you realize it or not you use your injury/illness as a litmus test for who can be your friend. I wouldn't be so quick to tell a potential love interest about all your medical issues. It's not being dishonest, it's just that in your case there is a lot to deal with.

Quote:

I want feedback because I want to know if maybe my expectations are too high or if I am right and should not lower my standards. I set my standards by what I am used to.

Yes, your expectations are too high!

Quote:

My medical needs have intruded on my dating before but they always just went along with it. Am I a little spoiled or is this just how anyone treats someone they really want to build a friendship with?

Quote:

What do you think?

Men are like snowflakes everyone is different. Your mistake was in trying to combine too many needs into one man. You were looking for a nursemaid, chauffer, lover, and business partner all rolled into one handsome big dicked package.

Sorry, not gonna happen.

[quote=midlifebear;1319569]
Quote:

If she needed medical attention, doesn't she have someone close to her who would make a much better companion to take her to hospital:

OMG! I thought the exact same thing! I also thought this was a bit like a covert test of the guy to see if he's good enough to be with her.

Quote:

"Oh, wait love. Before we jaunt off to the Four Seasons would you mind terribly, darling, stopping by Bellevue so I can have my blood's lithium salts adjusted. You're SUCH a doll. Kisses, and all that!"

You are hysterical! I love you midlifebear.

sugarandspice · 02-26-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gillette

Personally I think a hospital visit, however brief, is a bit much for only your second meet.

Did he know all the details that you're sharing with us now? Was he rude in the way he declined?

How do you know he's not phobic about hospitals or illness? I know plenty of men who say the only way they're going into a hospital is unconcious.

Yes, he did claim phobia about hospitals but it was more that he felt I should go take care of it myself.
I needed a driver to take me home.
Other men have been more than willing so maybe I'm a little spoiled.
I also hate to be by myself in the hospital.
I really wanted him to keep me company and he refused.
I think maybe he is not like my other friends and dates.
He didn't care that I would be alone in the hospital-again.
I don't want to be a person with unreasonable expectations and I don't want fair weather friends either.
I am more suspect of him because he smokes pot.
Some people who imbibe in that sort of thing only want to be around when everything is perfect..
HE was the one I had plans with so I felt like we could have just incorporated it into our plans. I thought if he really wanted to see me he shouldn't mind and I thought it was crappy that a man interested in me wouldn't take me to the hospital when I had already tried all my friends . My buds have the flu or their kids had the flu . They all called me that evening to see if I was okay and let me know they had missed my messages due to illnesses of their own.

oh crap. I think I am rambling again.(or did I catch myself in time?)

I have just been very fortunate that so many others have been willing to hang out with me wherever and however I am.

sugarandspice · 02-26-2008

I wasn't testing him but I did feel that it showed me that he couldn't do something as simple as take to to the ER. They fast track me in and out.

I want to become more comfortable with you guys opinions so I can accept them more but I'm not there yet.
I meant to say it was not a narcotic injection. lol
Please pardon my font "size" experimentations.

We talked about his issues with hospitals and whatnot but it was more that he didn't want to be bothered with it.

As far as mixing business and pleasure ..he was giving me free consulting because he likes me and likes talking about business.
It turned out that I had already done everything he was suggesting anyhow and he didn't understand what I needed.
I actually need is business manger.

Gillette · 02-27-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarandspice

1. Yes, he did claim phobia about hospitals but it was more that he felt I should go take care of it myself. Keep in mind he might have been downplaying the degree of his phobia. Most people don't enjoy displaying their weaknesses, particularly that early in a potential relationship. Besides, on a second date? Yes, you should take care of it yourself.
2. I needed a driver to take me home.
A) Taxi
B) You could have asked him to pick you up from the hospital AFTER your shot.
3. Other men have been more than willing so maybe I'm a little spoiled. Quite possibly. Change is good.
4. I also hate to be by myself in the hospital. I really wanted him to keep me company and he refused. I think maybe he is not like my other friends and dates. He didn't care that I would be alone in the hospital-again. Not his problem that you don't like to be alone. This wasn't an emergency, nor a case where you'd need emotional support, it's just waiting. Book, iPod, Gameboy, knitting, etc.
5. I don't want to be a person with unreasonable expectations and I don't want fair weather friends either. A second date is far too soon to expect this kind of favor in my opinion, also far too early to judge if he's only a fairweather friend.
6. I am more suspect of him because he smokes pot. I read the effects of Toradol, that's a very potent drug. If he's at all familiar with it he might have concerns about your use of it the same way you're concerned with his pot usage.
7. HE was the one I had plans with so I felt like we could have just incorporated it into our plans. I thought if he really wanted to see me he shouldn't mind and I thought it was crappy that a man interested in me wouldn't take me to the hospital when I had already tried all my friends . The both of you made plans. You changed them. He opted not to agree to the new plan. He's allowed to do that. And given his phobia nothing short of a severed limb (preferably his own) will get him to go to the H with you or anyone else.

8. oh crap. I think I am rambling again.(or did I catch myself in time?)Yes, a little, but you're improving.

9. I have just been very fortunate that so many others have been willing to hang out with me wherever and however I am.

Yes, you have been fortunate. That's a good thing. You can't, nor should you, expect the same of everyone.

njqt466 · 02-27-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarandspice

Quote:

Yes, he did claim phobia about hospitals but it was more that he felt I should go take care of it myself.

He was RIGHT! He already gave you valid, logical reasons for not wanting to go to the hospital.

Quote:

I needed a driver to take me home.

You need to keep a cab service on retainer for these emergencies.
Other men have been more than willing so maybe I'm a little spoiled.

Quote:

I also hate to be by myself in the hospital.

Everyone does; but it seems to me you would be used to it by now. Especially since as you said it rarely takes more than 45 minutes.

Quote:

I really wanted him to keep me company and he refused.

FFS, get over it and move on! Sounds to me that unlike other men you have dated this one had a backbone.
I think maybe he is not like my other friends and dates.

Quote:

He didn't care that I would be alone in the hospital-again.

LOL He just met you!

Quote:

I don't want to be a person with unreasonable expectations

and I don't want fair weather friends either. Too late, you already ARE a person with VERY unreasonable expectations.

Quote:

I am more suspect of him because he smokes pot.

That alone would have put him out of the running for me. Been there done that, don't need to go back.
Some people who imbibe in that sort of thing only want to be around when everything is perfect..

Quote:

HE was the one I had plans with so I felt like we could have just incorporated it into our plans.

Why on earth would you think that?!?!

It is very presumptious of you to assume that every man you meet wants to play chauffer and nursemaid.
I thought if he really wanted to see me he shouldn't mind and I thought it was crappy that a man interested in me wouldn't take me to the hospital when I had already tried all my friends. My buds have the flu or their kids had the flu .

Quote:

They all called me that evening to see if I was okay and let me know they had missed my messages due to illnesses of their own.

They called to check because they are friends. He is not your friend, you just met him!
oh crap. I think I am rambling again.(or did I catch myself in time?)
I have just been very fortunate that so many others have been willing to hang out with me wherever and however I am.

If you can't drive than you need a car service. Trust me I know from experience that friends will get tired of being your cab service. You need to find a better way to take care of your medical needs. That is the key.

These are your needs, not his. He is not required to tend to your medical needs.

Phil Ayesho · 02-27-2008

You're spoiled.

It is unconscionable to ask so intimate an assistance from a man on your second date.

You and he made a plan. You failed to anticipate for that plan and sprung on him that his plan would have to accommodate your immediate and unanticipated needs.

Saying it would only be 45 minutes is BS. YOU may know that... but his experience may differ... I can tell you that no average looking man gets thru the Er in under 3 hours.

Had you slipped and hurt yourself during your planned date... he probably would have had no problem being there for you...

What the guy saw was a woman who knew she had this kind of issue... and was unwilling to exert herself to take care of it so that it would NOT screw up the date.

Try this on your next new boyfriend.
Hop in his car and tell him he has to swing over to the drug store so you can get a razor so you can shave your legs in his car on your way to Dinner...." you won't mind if I shave my legs in your car willya? I mean, I was just toooo busy to take care of it earlier?"

What you did was no different... no less insensitive, no less taking advantage.

He may have been less than nice to say no....
But you were WAY out of line to even ask.

sugarandspice · 02-27-2008

ok, but what about the fact that he was available and could have taken me?
I could have used a cab service but maybe I should have said how afraid I was to ride with a stranger to the hospital and back. If they drive rough it can really make my neck worse.

I guess I am accustomed to the more giving types. I am that way too.
I am willing to help even strangers if it is a legitimate need.
I am from the South and we are more friendly or don't have our guard up as much. I have met similar types up here but maybe it's not as common.

I have pulled over in a snowstorm and asked a lady to let me drive her.
It was a woman under dressed for the weather.
I offered to take her to my apartment and give her some warmer clothes.
She just asked if they were going to be pink and frilly and didn't want anything so I drove to her bus stop.

Phil Ayesho · 02-27-2008

pick a random stranger on the street... chances are they are available and could- theoretically, take you.
Does that make it right to ask them?

If you are having an emergency... that's one thing.. but for something you do regularly? Like your laundry? When every other car on the street is a cab?

OFFERING to help someone is not at all the same as asking someone to help you.
The former is being a Samaritan... the latter is imposing.

But you are missing the entire point...

ITs a DATE, fer crissakes... its a delicate negotiation of attraction and sexual energy... its supposed to be about "clicking" with each other... about discovery and excitement...

Not about your chores. And NOT about your infirmities.

Suppose a handsome man asked you out on a date... and showed up with you all ready to go dancing, but he's in his jeans and stained t-shirt... handed you a bundle of clothes and asked if you would be so cool as to iron his suit... while he watched the last quarter of the game on your TV?

Is THAT gonna get you in the mood?
Is that guy gonna get a second date?

Hell, I have caught criticism from dates for not WASHING MY CAR before the date...
why the heck am I having to tell a woman about date etiquette?

sugarandspice · 03-03-2008

^actually. I don't know ahead of time when I'm going to need a trip to the ER.

If I had a date with him and he needed to go to the ER and had already run out of people to call I wouldn't ask him to take a cab and call me when he was all done at the hospital.
The guy didn't have other plans since we were supposed to go out.
I turned out that I needed to get an injection at the ER and since I hadn't found anyone else to take me he could have taken me and then we could have tried to make the best of the evening.

It seems like you also feel like you would need to know someone better before you would be willing to be a friend to them that way.

Your different from me.
That's is fine.
You wouldn't do something like that and I would.
If the guy was really interested in me it would have been a way to show it.
It doesn't feel like it's "imposing" when you WANT to be there because you really like the person and are not pretending to be very interested in order to flatter them hoping for seduction.

Phil Ayesho · 03-03-2008

Too bad you didn't give the guy a chance to find out if he liked you that much...

I don't care what you claim to be like in terms of generosity and willingness to help....

if you were really honest with yourself, and with me, you would acknowledge that there are a hundred ways a guy could ruin his chances with you on a first or second date. Little things and big.

And you expect a guy to KNOW what not to do....without being told.
Its a TEST... whether you admit to it or not.

He might be the very best guy in the world... had you gotten to know him and respected that HE also has a hundred ways a girl can ruin her chances with him on the first few dates...

Looks like you failed his test and he failed yours.
that's fine... just don't cop the attitude that what you did wasn't a breach of pretty well established date etiquette.

Maybe you know a lot of other guys that have passed that test with flying colors.... but, clearly, you're still looking... you haven't settled down with any of those sterling characters you claim to have met in the past....

Why is that?
Perhaps the kind of guy who would put up with that is a doormat that you don't find attractive long term?

maybe you ought to give a man with a spine and some expectations of his own a try.

widenine · 03-03-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarandspice

haha very funny....
I am actually a fan of yours but I am being serious.
Once I got the injection the swelling would have gone down and we could go on with our evening.
I have had to do things like this before and it wasn't a problem.

Basically, I believe you should have called a friend, other than this new guy, and handled your medical emergency without his help. If you're interested in him, don't pull him into the drama after a first date. Give him a chance to enjoy the potential for an easy-going, care-free encounter that could become something more. Personally, if he turns down the hospital experience, let that be o.k. If you don't, he'll get that you're full of expectations that he embrace your drama.

With one of my girlfriends, it was migraines. I learned (she taught me) after the third date that she expected me to "perform rituals" when you felt one coming on. Instead of going to bed or chillin' as people with migraines do, she needed me to "be there" with a cool wash cloth, being quiet and careful not to wear cologne. It got old at once. And yes, I did like here. But I'm not a nurse.

ranredd · 03-04-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil Ayesho

Too bad you didn't give the guy a chance to find out if he liked you that much...

I don't care what you claim to be like in terms of generosity and willingness to help....

if you were really honest with yourself, and with me, you would acknowledge that there are a hundred ways a guy could ruin his chances with you on a first or second date. Little things and big.

And you expect a guy to KNOW what not to do....without being told.
Its a TEST... whether you admit to it or not.

He might be the very best guy in the world... had you gotten to know him and respected that HE also has a hundred ways a girl can ruin her chances with him on the first few dates...

Looks like you failed his test and he failed yours.
that's fine... just don't cop the attitude that what you did wasn't a breach of pretty well established date etiquette.

Maybe you know a lot of other guys that have passed that test with flying colors.... but, clearly, you're still looking... you haven't settled down with any of those sterling characters you claim to have met in the past....
A wonderful point was made here. Clearly those same individuals that did all those things were possibly doormats.

Why is that?
Perhaps the kind of guy who would put up with that is a doormat that you don't find attractive long term?

maybe you ought to give a man with a spine and some expectations of his own a try.

This may be difficult to understand at the moment, but you are indeed spoiled. You might want to re-evaluate the situations from the past and truly check.

LeChuck · 03-04-2008

You seem to not be giving any consideration to the fact different people have different comfort levels with things like that. For a lot of people that would be too personal of a situation for someone you're just starting to get to know. I can understand being a little disappointed that he didn't take you but you're reacting like he did something wrong. It was his prerogative. It's not really a good idea to have that level of expectation on somebody who barely knows you.

sugarandspice · 5 Days Ago

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeChuck

You seem to not be giving any consideration to the fact different people have different comfort levels with things like that. For a lot of people that would be too personal of a situation for someone you're just starting to get to know. I can understand being a little disappointed that he didn't take you but you're reacting like he did something wrong. It was his prerogative. It's not really a good idea to have that level of expectation on somebody who barely knows you.

Well, I think you might be right but I don't know anyone that wouldn't take an acquaintance to the hospital if they were in pain.

I am starting to realize that when people say what a kind person I am and how kind and special my friends are that it is really true.
Not everyone is as giving and caring.
I am just the type who will help anyone.
It always surprises me when other people are not that way.