A few things men wish women knew

After reading this thread:
50 Things that girls wish guys knew

I searched online for a list of things men wish women knew. I found several (links at the end of this post) but I decided to use them as models for my own list. I deleted from my sources anything I thought to be stupid, wrong, or insignificant.

Because my list was compiled from several sources, it's tone is inconsistent (sometimes serious, sometimes funny), the pronouns used to refer to men are inconsistent (sometimes "we" and "us" but other times "he" and "him"), and the length of each point varies (sometimes short, often long).

My list will be in the next post, because I got an error message from the forum saying that it was too long for one post.

1. We are more sensitive than you realize. Men are not biologically designed to have the capacity of processing through feelings like women. Because of this men have a hard shell around their heart that keeps them from getting hurt. They only open up that shell WHEN IT FEELS SAFE. Not when a woman is demanding for them to “open up.” A man feels safe when he thinks a woman understands him. They don't have to agree with them (even though that is nice), but they need to convey that they have considered his opinion. What often happens is many women want a man to open up and when he begins talking, they take over. Soon the conversation is focused on the woman and the man simply quits talking. In his mind, “What's the point?” Remember ladies, you are probably better at communication than most men. Because of this most men don't want to feel they are competing with you to talk. Help them out by listening and in time they will seek you out more.

2. Men love to be complimented. Sincerely, however, not artificially. You can't, for instance, say "I love what you've done with your apartment" if it looks like a dorm room. Compliments are more believable if they are specific, intelligent, insightful, and show that you actually know what you're talking about. (We'll also be really impressed by how smart and knowledgable you are.) The best compliments either a) reaffirm the things we like about ourselves or b) make us feel better about our insecurities.

3. We lie to make you feel good, don’t be angry about it; you weren’t looking for the truth anyway.

4. If you us ask what is wrong and we say "nothing," it probably means that something is bothering us on an subconscious level that we aren't able to articulate. All we need from you is a little space while we work it out. Demanding that we talk about it is not helpful, and may even block our process. (See #1 above.) If we need to talk, we'll come to you when we're ready, IF we feel safe in doing so (see #1 above).

5. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but we don't know how to coax it out of you, and we suspect any clumsy attempt to do so might only upset you more. We're really hoping that you'll call your girlfriend, mother, or sister who can actually help you the way you want to be helped.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. Express yourself. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

8. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (Some of us like fat; your fatness may even be why we're attracted to you. But you don't want to know that, and we know it, so we're not going to tell you.)

9b. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as garage door openers, yard work, sports, or electronic gadgets.

10. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

11. Don't ask us our sexual fantasies unless you're prepared to hear them. We're not fantasizing about playing the knight in shining armour coming to the rescue of the damsel in distress. That's your fantasy. The things we fantasize about would cause you to look at us differently, and not in a good way, and we know it. At best we're probably fantasizing about having a woman other than you (e.g., a supermodel or famous actress) or about having a threesome or an orgy. Other common fantasies include being dominated or humiliated, feet, watersports, double penetration, cuckolding, mature women, fat girls, "chick with dicks," and things you'd probably think are much, much worse.

12. Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

13. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar and remind him of important events in advance. (Better yet, get him a Palm Pilot or similar device and program important dates into it. He'll love it.) [Keep in mind that many of us have jobs centered around fulfilling obligations to others, which often requires us to keep track of dates and deadlines. Part of what we love about our free time is being able to relax and enjoy the moment, not thinking (stressing) about all the stuff on our "to do" list; thinking ahead about important dates and obligations is too much like work. That doesn't mean that we don't have to do it, but understanding and support goes a lot farther than nagging.]

14. If he forgets your birthday our anniversary, he knows how bad it is and he probably feels terrible about it. Really. The last thing he wants to do is hurt you. Yes, he needs to acknowledge his mistake, apologize for it, and make an effort to make it up to you, but once he does that, it's over. You need to forgive him and you can't use it as ammunition against him in the future. If you remind him of his mistake you'll only make him feel bad, he'll resent you for it, and it will poison the relationship.

15. Anything he said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. Listen to what he's saying now.

16. If something he said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, he meant the other one.

17. Crying is blackmail. It's a form of emotional expression we've been conditioned our whole lives not to use, except for something really serious, like death (real death, not tearjerker movie death), and sometimes not even then. Hence, we don't understand it, can't relate to it, and don't know how to handle it. We'll do almost anything to get you to stop, including lying to you or promising to do something even if we think it's a bad idea. Use it if you must, but we don't like it and ultimately it's not good for the relationship.

18. If you want to change a man's mind, you'll make a lot more progress with a few good, solid reasons than with hours of animated emotion.

19. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, we question your intelligence.

20. Never nag a man in front of his friends. It's a no-win situation for both of you.

21. When he screws up, go ahead and tell him–-but only once. Also, we do not think of it as consoling comfort to hear a woman gently say, "You see, honey? I told you so."

22. For many men, Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

23. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.

24. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

25. You have enough clothes.

26. You have too many shoes.

27. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes--what makes you think he'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? He knows you won't like what he picks anyway and will wear something else, and if he actually make the right choice you'll probably start wondering if he's gay.

28. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work, and we'll really appreciate you making our lives easier.

29. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, but not both.

30. Regularly check your oil, your coolant/antifreeze, and your tire pressure. Learn how to change a tire. Showing self-reliance and responsibility impresses us, and knowing that you can take care of yourself give us one less thing to worry about.

31. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

32. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

33. Let him look at other women. He's going to do it anyway because he's biologically hard-wired for it. The less he feels he has to hide it from you, the more he'll appreciate you. Better yet, ogle women with him. He'll think your the coolest girlfriend ever, and it will really turn him on.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. Women wearing push-up bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Consider our hobbies a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. We can't spend every moment with you. Get a life of your own. Get some girlfriends, join a book club, church group, or take some classes.

37. When we get home at the end of the day, we have no interest in telling you about our day. It was boring the first time and we have no desire to relive it. What we're really interested in is enjoying the rest of the day, with you. Besides, we know you're only asking as an opening to tell us about your day, so just go ahead and tell us already. Preferably quickly, because your day was boring, too.

38. Although we often suck as showing it, we love you, appreciate you, and need you more than you know. Please take care of yourself. We don't know what we'd do without you.

Here are my sources:

3 Things Men Wish Women Knew
http://www.joke-central.com/Women/Rules.htm
41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew - Goofball.com
What Guys Wish Women Knew
Things Men Wish Women Knew
10 things men wish women knew - Sisterspeak - Brief Article - Column | Ebony | Find Articles at BNET.com
Zooped.com - 50 Things Men Wished Women Knew

A++

One thing though, the soap opera guys? That's still a scary thought.

Some good points - some deserving comment - Nice one Men (pun intended)

That was beautiful. It should be required study in High School and required for marriage counseling.

Oh -- except for the part about shoes and clothes. Like MB says, that's an out and out lie!

i got some stuff...

1) We hate games. be straight with us.

2) be nice. please!

3) we want to make you feel good, but only if you make us feel good. ok.

* sometimes we say stupid stuff (we don't mean to), but thats ok because sometime you act crazy (we try to understand that you don't mean to either)* :)

Thank you!

I believe the free expression of emotion, as it occurs, is healthy for women and men. Some of us do cry when we're angry. We can also cry when our feelings are hurt, when we're frustrated, or when we're sad about something (and no, it doesn't have to be death.)

I believe the solution to the point raised in #17 isn't for women to cry less -- it is for men to cry more!

I'm not about to start stifling my emotions for any man, and my man wouldn't have me any other way. In fact, he refers to me as "emotionally mature," because I've become good at recognizing and expressing my emotions as they occur, exactly as they are. I don't build mountains out of molehills, but I don't act as if the little things don't matter, because over time, they can matter a great deal.

I call it "keeping my emotional house clean." I don't let shit build up, and that leaves me with a clean slate continually in my most important relationships. I don't carry resentments around -- if you upset me, I will probably cry (I'm an emotional creature) and if you're not strong enough to handle that without feeling "blackmailed," I don't need you in my life.

Gay men have mothers, sisters, friends, and many have also had relationships with women.

Gay men probably are better at coming up with such a list because they can observe women without the "little brain" coming into effect.

maybe. but whatever. i like my list. its simple.

Hey, MB, I'm glad to hear that some women aren't into the knights and damsels fantasy, but I'm sure that when some women ask their boyfriend what his fantasy is, she's expected something more romantic and less kinky than, "Honey, I really want you to pee on me" (or worse, "I want to pee on you"). A lot of women get freaked out and turned off by that sort of answer. I suspect the women of lpsg are a different breed.

I'm also glad you can handle the car maintenance. But too many women still wait for a guy to come to their rescue, which, sadly, isn't really a safe thing to do these days. (Having said that, a lot of guys can't do the car maintenance either, but if they break down on the side of the road, they aren't nearly as likely to be assuaulted while waiting for help.) Ladies, a tire iron isn't just a useful tool, it's a good weapon. Every car comes with one. And a jack. And a spare tire. Really. Do you know where they are and how to use them? I had a tire blow a couple of years ago and knowing how to change it made my life a lot easier. The day was still ruined but at least I didn't have to sit around waiting for help.

Re what I said about crying:
Those are good points. On one level I envy women's ability to express their emotions, but at the same time I'm bothered by their inability to control their emotions. The problem is, if you're crying because of something we did or didn't do, it sometimes functions as blackmail, whether it's intentional or not. Maybe there needs to be some sort of compromise that anything men agree to when you're crying is open to renegotiation once you've calmed down.

I don't disagree with you, but I'm not convinced that's what you really want from us. There are in the world a few sensitive men who emote very freely, and they are generally regarded--by women as well as other men--as sissies and wimps. Few people have much patience for such men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd even go so far as to say that some women like the fact that they "get" to be the emotional one in the relationship. If they had to be the one keeping it together every time something went wrong because their guy was breaking down and crying, they'd get tired of that arrangement pretty quickly, and probably end up looking for another guy. You may not stifle your emotions for us, but most men stifle our emotions for you. We've been taught our whole lives that it's our job, our responsibility. If that were ever to really change, and men were free to express themselves (first we'd have to learn how), I'd bet many women would find these new, emotional men hard to adjust to.

Most of us aren't strong enough to handle it. That's the point. We're so disconnected from our own emotions, we're not at all equipped to handle yours. It's sad and it's not fair, but that's the world we live in.

Also, if it's healthy for men to cry when we're sad, then maybe it's healthy for women to get angry (rather than crying) when they're angry. I think women are socialized to resist their anger, because it's not "feminine," even when they have every right to be angry. Maybe it would be more empowering and less frustrating if you let yourselves express your anger as anger.

Quite right. Between my mother, sister, friends, housemates, and coworkers, I've gone through a lot of the same stuff with the women in my life that straight guys go through with their wives or girlfriends.

Right again. Also, because I'm surrounded by hetero relationships, I also get to observe them from a third party perspective. Although I can often see the woman's point of view, I'm still a man and I usually relate more to his point of view.

you forgot one..

4) set out a tampon where I'll see it two days BEFORE your period.

j/k sort of

That sounds like a fair solution.

Unfortunately that's viewed as poorly as men crying. Angry women couldn't possibly have a good reason to be angry. We must just be experiencing PMS.

Don't be concerned. It's not a 'straight vs gay' thing. It's something ALL men have to deal with.

Said with love, njqt.

Unfortunately, Meniscus, you're probably right. Just as it takes a very strong man to handle an emotional woman, it also takes a very strong woman to handle an emotional man. She must be secure in her gender identity and not equate crying with weakness in men (yes, there's a double-standard on the female side too...I've outgrown it but I can remember at first feeling a bit flummoxed by men who emoted as freely as I did).

Again, though, my hope for the future would be that everyone stifle themselves less, and accept themselves, and each other, more. I may be an idealist, but being an idealist has made my life interesting -- believing the best of people often produces amazing results.

Sad, but at least partially true.

I think it's heartbreaking that in our relationship culture, anyone has to be the designated party who "keeps it together."

Keeping it together is for professional situations, business meetings, and dealing with patients or customers. It is not for intimate relationships with friends and family, IMO. Those are the people that one should feel safe enough to cry with, regardless of one's gender.

Which is also heartbreaking and I, for one, hope we evolve beyond this.

You would have to remember how, not learn how, but yes, anyone accustomed to regularly choking back tears would have to go through an adjustment (as would their significant others).

We are all born knowing how to express ourselves freely. We cry to make ourselves heard, to make our needs known, and to release pent up nasty chemicals that are responsible for our "negative" emotions. No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you cried freely. If you no longer cry, then either you were taught not to cry (and can be "un-taught") or you have post-traumatic stress disorder or dissociation and are unable to connect with your emotions due to trauma in your past. But even if that's the case, the situation is not hopeless. If you want to regain wholeness, help is available in many forms.

Possibly.

When I think about it, the reason I cry when I'm angry is that I'm frustrated at trying to hold back the potentially destructive force of that particular emotion.

In my lifetime, I have done and said things in anger that I could never take back. I would rather dissolve into tears than verbally destroy my loved ones (which I am, unfortunately, all too well-equipped to do given my command of the English language).

You may be right, though, that this isn't a healthy thing for women to do. I wonder if crying really releases the feelings of anger, or if it leaves traces behind. As of now, I don't feel any resentment towards members of my core circle, but I'm very vigilant about resolving disagreements rather than letting them fester, because I know how much damage resentment can do, both to one's own health and to the health of a relationship.

But you have given me food for thought, Meniscus, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my remarks so insightfully.