Set for disaster?

So I take it you know that the boyfriends are also cheating on someone ...

I have not been in this situation myself but I think these boyfriends probably think they dont have to be especially nice because they know your friends are cheating on their main partners and so they know they are just a sideshow and so well you know whatever ...

what was that old saying about people living in glass houses not throwing stones ...

what did the cheating boyfriends do to the cheating girls that was so terrible anyway?

It sounds like your friends aren't very smart. They don't have good judgment. They are in marriages that don't appear to be working for them. Sounds like they don't choose their men very wisely. So it doesn't surprise me that they don't see the irony in what's happening.

It's called entitlement. This is what happens when any person, man or woman, expects more from others in a relationship than themselves.

Dear Caller,

I'd say they're all reaping what they sow. I'd also suggest that neither party in such a deceit should realistically expect integrity from the other. Do these women conveniently forget they are cheating too?

I love the ability of people to rationalise anything when it suits them and expect it will all end in tears.

Yours,

Dr Dong.

Lee, it's kind of funny - if I understood your post, and the replies, it seems that several have gotten the situation wrong, and the ones who did are men.

If I'm getting it right, your friends are not cheating on their partners, they are single, and having affairs with men who are in relationships.

Yes, it's more common for "committed" men to have affairs, but they certainly don't have a corner on that market.

The cheater almost inevitably tells the third wheel, "My partner treats me terribly, doesn't appreciate or respect me, we haven't had sex in two years, (s)he's having affairs, it's a loveless relationship, you are more important." Usually a lie, and precisely what the third wheel wants to hear, and they believe it without question.

The third wheel feels so noble, rescuing this poor, unloved cheater from the awful situation. The cheater realizes that the third wheel is providing all the benefits with no obligations or responsibilities. Usually, neither one is willing to face reality. If he had not left his "real" partner before they met, he's not going to, regardless of his claims to the contrary. Period. And even if he did, then the girlfriend becomes the "ball & chain," and he will cheat on her.

Of course he no-shows, breaks dates, ignores birthdays, doesn't call. There are no consequences, and she puts up with it. Perhaps not as physically violent; but psychologically, it's not too different from battered wife syndrome. He dishes it out, because she takes it.

Two female friends of mine in relationships are both having extra marital affairs. Yet when the 'boyfriend' does something wrong they come running to me asking "How could he do that to me?"

Yes, that's how I initially read the bold. That Lee's friends are in relationships and are cheating on their partners with married men. If you are right then it's not they (Lee's friends) who are having the extra marital affairs (they're not married so they really can't be), it's the husbands of the other women who are.

I think it was a logical interpretation on first reading though with hindsight you're quite probably right - the use of relationship rather than married to describe them (Lee's friends) is a clue. I should pay better attention! I'm not sure one can read any gender bias into this misreading though especially based on only a couple of responses.

Either way aside from the final sentence (failed on a technicality) of the first para, I stand by my comment.

Perhaps Lee could clarify, for our edification?

Ah, that's what I get for speedreading! Thanks for taking me to task, dong20. I need that from time to time. I missed that part, but I think the bulk of my post was accurate.

A guy I've known for years was basically a good guy, but a jerk in how he treated women.

At one time, he had 4 girlfriends (none knew about the others) and was also seeing a married woman. He had the nerve to be jealous of that woman's husband, and he resented any time she spent with him. I knew both of them, too. They (the married couple) were a perfect match in every way, except libido. He was a once-a-month kind of guy, and she was a twice-a-day kind of gal.

This is sad actually. Extramarital affairs almost always are not good because at some point you expect the affair to revert into the marriage scenario. More and more you expect from your playmate that which you are not getting at home. The less you get at home, the more you start to expect from your playmate.

I saw my parents go through this at different times of their lives.

I hope for your friends sake, they get it together and get what they want out of their marriage or leave the marriage.

Exactly, Big-O. It says a lot about a person's character.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people can rationalize "I'm justified in cheating on my spouse, but my spouse is not justified in cheating on me" or "his morals and ethics allow him to cheat on his wife, but he would be faithful to me."

From this point, I take it that the friends may or may not be cheating, but the guys ("boyfriends") they are with, ARE cheating.

And this is nothing new. Of course it's foolish to expect a different outcome. He's cheating, for crying out loud.

Yes. We most often get back what we put in out of life. A loney heart often leads to some bad choices. Ive been guilty of this myself over the years. So im a little more understanding of why Men and women act like they do sometimes.

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