Bad Break Ups Often Lead to Depression and Stalkers

Naughty's thread reminded me of this.

I have long had a theory that bad break-ups cause more depression, violence, and stalkers than anything else.

When people grieve a dead person, at some point they grasp the concept that the other person is gone forever. They learn to hold onto the good memories, they let go and move on.

Some of you dump a person in the most circuitous and cowardly of fashions. There is no closure for the dumpee. They don't understand why after 6 months, 8 months, a year or even 5 years you just leave a perfectly good and happy relationship.

This is directed only at the men, (because women already know better): NEVER, EVER Break up with a woman via e-mail, IM, or text message!


What I want to know from everyone is this:

1. When you break up with a person, how do you do it?
2. Do you have a standard technique?
3. Does the technique vary depending on certain variables, such as duration of relationship, cheating (by either of you), or something else.
4. Do you plan the break up or do you just blurt it out over the dinner one night at home?

Bad Breakups Cause DepressionLosses that involve lower self-esteem are more likely to lead to depression than a loss such as a death of a loved one.
By:Willow Lawson

Stressful events that involve both grief and humiliation, such as messy romantic breakups, are linked to a higher risk of major depression than "merely" painful events, such as the death of a loved one, according to a study.

Researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia, interviewed some 7,000 male and female twins as part of the university's Mid-Atlantic Twin Registry. The subjects ranged in age from 20 to 60 years old.

Scientists analyzed subjects' stressful life events to determine which were linked to episodes of depression and anxiety.

Researchers found losses that involved lower self-esteem were twice as likely to trigger depression as ones that involved loss alone. This was particularly true of breakups that were initiated by the other partner or that involved infidelity or violence.

"The most toxic combination was loss and humiliation that in some way directly devalued the individual," says Kenneth S. Kendler, professor of psychiatry and lead author of the study.

The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.
This content is Copyright Sussex Publishers, LLC. 2006. This content is intended for personal use and may not be distributed or reproduced without the consent of Sussex Publishers, LLC. Please contact licensing@psychologytoday.com for more information.
Publication: Psychology Today MagazineLast Reviewed: 10 Apr 2007 (Document ID: 3199).


The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. When you hate you still have some feeling left; but when you reach indifference, that's when it is really over.

They'll usually know I don't think things are going right because I'll have told them when I think things are going wrong, so it usually comes as no surprise. I'd never tell anyone by phone or in a letter, it has to be face to face. I don't have a standard technique I'd have to base how I told them on what I know of the person.

However, I don't agree with all of what you said, while I certainly agree that bad breaks ups damage self esteem and can lead to depression I don't think there's much link with stalking, a lot of times the stalker wasn't having anything that would qualify as a relationship except in their own mind, they can base their stalking on something as trivial as a few text messages.

Good point. I think the stalker activity happens in shorter relationships, say 3 months and under. I hate to admit it but it seems that women are doing much of the physical stalking i.e. following the guy around town, checking on him to see if he's at work and stupid crap like that, checking the messages on his home phone or email because she has the password.

Yeah but that's only cos they make us stalk them nj :)

I do think that in a lot of women stalkers they feel they've been led on a little.

I can't really understand how people can break up with someone over the phone in the case of a relatively long relationship, you loved that person once so how could anyone do that to someone they once loved?

[quote=SpoiledPrincess;1114541]Yeah but that's only cos they make us stalk them nj :)

I do think that in a lot of women stalkers they feel they've been led on a little. YES! Exactly! Men lie to get sex, we all know that. It's when they take their time to say 'I love you' so that you get the idea they mean it, and they make plans for your future together and talk about baby names for your children that the dumping is most devastating.

I can't really understand how people can break up with someone over the phone in the case of a relatively long relationship, you loved that person once so how could anyone do that to someone they once loved?[/quote]
SP, I dated a man for 12 years and he broke up with me in a fucking e-mail!

I have a friend that is 57. When she was 26 she was engaged to be married to a great guy whom she had known since high school.

The night before the wedding, after their rehearsal dinner, he confessed that he was bi-sexual and had a longterm boyfriend. He asked if she would be okay with that and she said no. She called off the wedding, yet they remain friends to this day.

Now I'm sorry, I maintain he knew she would say no. That is a classic bad breakup! He makes it seem like it was her being fickle, when in fact it was all about him.

All my break ups have been face to face but it was always me doing the breaking up so I don't know how it would have gone if it was the men doing it, sometimes I think they can't stand to see the pain they know its going to cause. That's not excusing them of course, you start a relationship you have certain moral obligations, to end it properly is one of them.

If someone's been dumped by text, email, phone I can quite understand them wanting a face to face confrontation with the person who dumped them, we need to know why, and I think some people might say 'he/she's stalking me' if the woman/man is merely trying to contact them to find out why.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpoiledPrincess All my break ups have been face to face but it was always me doing the breaking up so I don't know how it would have gone if it was the men doing it, sometimes I think they can't stand to see the pain they know its going to cause. That's not excusing them of course, you start a relationship you have certain moral obligations, to end it properly is one of them.

A moral obligation hahahaha.ROTFLMAO If only a man could think like a woman there would be no wars, hunger, or hole in the ozone.

Unfortunately, I think many Americans not just men have no sense of morals and feel obligated to no one but themselves.

It's a sadder world for it. We seem to be able to have compassion for the starving of other countries, a need to help when there's a tsunami but we can't even say goodbye properly to someone who was our partner for x amount of time.

Hey girls!

I think that bad break ups can definitely lead to depression. Especially if they fall along certain lines. Most individuals want to have some control over a situation or a way to make sense of it in their own minds at least so they may have closure. WHen someone disappears, withholds information, slowly backs away without explanation after aggressive non holds barred pursuit, it can cause a bit (to say the least) of confusion.

THe thing about "stalking" or limmerance is that one never knows who may be a stalker as long as that persons needs are being met. It can happen with any length relationship. I think we just hear about the obsessions gone wrong. I have read that unfortunately some individuals are hardwired like this and there is very little that can be done in the form of medication or therapy. Often they have had early trauma or abandonment issues that the least sign of discord can trigger. Whenever they have a break up it takes them back to that first major abandonment (often a parent) and some part of them attempts to make sure they will not go through this all consuming and terrifying anguish again. Unfortunately for their "victim" it can be equally terrifying. Doctors have even had people who suffer from limmerance beg them to do something to remove this mortifying reaction to separation. You can see this same behavior in pets who have been rescued after living with a negligent owner. Often they will tear the house apart in an attempt to find a way to unite themselves with their caretaker on only the briefest of separations. They as in the case of small children can not conceive that the separation will not be forever, and when faced with that fact stalkers do there very best (insanely or not ) to attempt to circumvent it.

Often people who perform bad break ups are probably not trying to hurt the person they leave, they are just trying to survive themselves. Many of them are commitment phobics who have gotten themselves to the point where they can no longer take the mounting discomfort of feeling trapped in a relationship and like an wild animal who will gnaw off its own foot they will do anything to get out of it. Often they still have feelings for the person and will continue to attempt to run in and out of the relationship. They often feel if they can only have some distance they can make this work. I found it most telling that commitment phobes usually are attracted to other commitment phobes. One is usually the active and the other passive member of the relationship. COmmitment phobes are relationship sprinters not long distance runners. THeir burst of activity is often overwhelming at the beginning of a relationship and peters out quickly and rather unsatisfactorally for the partner. Often knowing this but still feeling the need for love they will try over and over again only to disappear at any point in the relationship including after the vows have been said. THey will create scenarios to cause a crisis that can be used to set the stage for break up. ( having an affair, acting outrageously , etc) They usually are incredibly charming and thought to be toooo good to be true. They are. THey are not going to stick around for the boring mundane things that it takes to make a relationship work. SO if you are soemone who like serial fairy tale romance but doenst mind it disappearing at any moment the commitment phobe is for you. If not, RUN FOR YOU LIFE.



(These conclusions have come after much reflection, cognitive therapy,stabbed pillows, and discussions ad nauseum with friend and family about the whys, hows and wherefores of inexplicable behavior in the cases of parties not named)

I'll have you know I was 'badly' broken up with. "No one said goodbye"!

We just kind of stopped seeing each other...it was weird actually. It would have been better if she'd just said fuck off I don't want to see you you raving lunatic!

Actually I think its always been a gradual decline of relationships for me; we just stop seeing each other and it calms down. We usually agree to part ways though. Not 'she who shall not be named' though

I would say I had depression or other psychological maladies before her, which were only exacerbated by the ending of the 'ship.

[quote=njqt466;1114506]
When you break up with a person, how do you do it?

1. Do you have a standard technique?
2. Does the technique vary depending on certain variables, such as duration of relationship, cheating (by either of you), or something else.
3. Do you plan the break up or do you just blurt it out over the dinner one night at home?

1. no
2. yes
3. plan

for me it depends among other things on whether it was a sexual relationship or an emotional relationship or both

one time i had to break up with a guy by phone because evey time i tried to do it in person he wud persuade me to give him another chance ....

i once had a strictly non-sexual friendship with a girl which morphed into an emotional relationship from hell with a really fucked-up poor little insane bitch ... i started off being too nice and helpful and considerate and then she got hooked and dependent and demanding and controlling and judgemntal and interfering ... i had to call it off many times in person by phone and by email and she still woulddnt get the message ... i kept not responding or sending shorter messages but that made her send longer ones until finally i sent a one word message 'stop' and then she did stop emailing me but she still stalked me ... she would not let go or close even though i never promised her anything
(actually i've had this problem with a couple of girls ... i dont know why ... because i'm always upfront about being gay)

[quote=str82fcuk;1114937]
Limmerance. I think though that nice people often are victims of this because they do normally what many people only do in the course of a relationship. For someone who is hungry to see thes signs any gesture of kindness can be interpreted as love. I am so glad you brought this up about being up front about being gay. I have a major problem with men in a state of discovery who use women as their family therapy session. OR as their unknowing beard. or cover girl. If I had known I was a cover girl I would have adjusted my feelings accordingly. I think often people with a lot to lose are so afraid of sharing this information even with the person they are Hanging out with, "dating" etc that the other person has no clue what is up. A gay man is many women's idea of a perfect man. Often he is sensitive , well educated, intelligent. worldly, culturally aware, and many times dapper if not down right drop dead gorgeous! What is there not to like? The lines have to be set very very clearly so there is no mistaking that any adjustments will be made in the status. There are still people out there who believe just the right good woman can change that bad apple back to good.

What I want to know from everyone is this:

1. When you break up with a person, how do you do it?

it varies from person to person. I try to do it kindly and in a safe environment. I have had people get very angry so I dont like to be totally alone. I allow the person to express themselves and then I try to let them understand that we just are not seeing the world in the same way.

1. Do you have a standard technique?

No. No one person is standard so they have to be treated accordingly.

1. Does the technique vary depending on certain variables, such as duration of relationship, cheating (by either of you), or something else.

I think I feel less like sparing their feelings if they have been outrageous but I still try to do for them what I would want to be done for me. I try to let them exit with dignity and knowing that I do like them but it just isnt going to the next level.

1. Do you plan the break up or do you just blurt it out over the dinner one night at home?

No, I generally plan it. When someone gives you their heart or opens up to you that is the least you can do for them . Do it with dignity, compassion and finality.

I dont think it is that simple. He represents what she is looking for. She hears him and doesnt hear him when he tells her he is gay. He may be gay, but he is still providing all the things she is looking for in a relationship (minus sex) . She doesnt have to be a woman who habitually hangs out with gay men. People do the same thing with someone who has told them they just want to be friends.