Bad Break Ups Often Lead to Depression and Stalkers

Quote:

Originally Posted by bottombuddy if your with someone for 14 years......do you tell them one day you love them then the very next day leave them?.........this happened to me approx 8 months ago and caused a great deal of stress and worry to me as i dont have answers as to why......ocassionally we still chat but i am not allowed under any circumstances to ask why he left which is very very frustrating for me.........i consider myself a good guy and gave 100% sexually,emotionally and financially throught our time together.....i cant get any answers why he left and i feel it is bad for anyone to do this to someone they "supposedly loved" as their is no closure really..........after almost 8 months totally alone ive taken steps to move on and put the past 14 years behind me and by joining this forum im hopefully putting myself in the favourable position of making a fresh start and finding someone new........please folks if your leaving your loved one the best you can do is explain to them why you made your choice and dont leave them in limbo wondering why.

sometimes closure is possible and sometimes its not ... if it is possible it should be given ... if it is not given (and in any case even if it is given)
one should absolutely give closure to oneself

thanks str82fcuk.......in this instance closure wasnt given by the ex and has taken me these good few months to realise answers wont be forthcoming so its oly me that can make the closure.....i guess as he was only the 2nd person id ever met and a long 14 yr relationship together it was the least id expected to happen.........if i were in his shoes id honestly feel sooooo bad about ending things so..........to be honest i feel ive been sortoff used but im not going to dwell on it - maybe my next move should be to stop answering his phonecalls as i feel im getting checked dailly not because he cares anymore but he wants to know what im upto!!..but im not allowed to ask what hes doing or reasons why?......i find it a bizarre situation really how he is behaving.

How oddly appropriate that this topic came up.

1. In person, assuming that we've had more than a couple of dates. I try to sit down and talk seriously with her, explaining why I feel this way. I try to effect closure without leaving hope where there isn't any. I remain calm, and refuse to be drawn into yes-you-did-no-I-didn't arguments. I'll try to choose the place, but I don't really try to conduct a breakup in a public place to deter "scenes", despite being told this can be a good idea.

2. Not really. I haven't broken up with so many people that I have a standard approach. Everyone is different, anyway.

3. Yes; see above.

4. I plan it, or try to.

Njqt, I believe that this is an oversimplification of the issues. Wars are fought by men, but greed is at the root of them. Are you implying that all women are maternal or selfless and thus incapable of feeling greed? With regard to the hole in the ozone layer, we could also put the blame on women. For decades, women were buying hairspray which used to be full of CFCs, which are harmful to the ozone layer.

Men are men and women are women (there are also the differences within the sexes). Our differences do cause heartaches, but they also make our lives much richer. Unfortunately, there are still women who think they can change their man, but they are labouring under a misapprehension. If they truly love their man, they should accept him-- faults and all-- and not try to change him. If they cannot accept him, they have the wrong guy.

I do believe that the assumption that bad break ups lead to depression and stalking is correct; I have experienced it too many times (the depression, not the stalking), and in those instances I felt the need to clutch at straws, but this did not happen when my ex and I parted on good terms.

Breaking up is hard for both parties and it should be done tactfully. I hate it when the other party fails to contact me or does not respond to my messages. Who are they trying to protect? It is better to know the truth, then to live a lie, is it not?

There are no victoms only volunteers, yes that`s what i believe. You`ll attract what you project, so basically you get what your body language is saying.

lafever

I was dating a man for 9 months and I was smitten. We never argued and we where having wonderful sex.
We where together on the Sunday and on Monday he fell off the face of the planet. No phone call, no e-mail and I didn't rate a 25 cent txt message.
There was no CLOSURE
Fast forward 1 and half months - A mutual friend tells me that the ex had moved his new girl friend and her two small children into his house and they had been seeing each other for 4 months.
It seems that I was the bit on the side (like a order of fries)
I was gutted, and I doubted myself for along time afterwards.
I had wondered what I had done wrong, that I wasn't pretty enough and I wasn't good enough at sex.
I didn't stalk him but I did curl up into a ball and I did cry alot.
I haven't been in a serious relationship for three years and have devoted my efforts in being good at my job with the occasional playmate to quench the fire in my blood.

You were with him 9 months and didn't know where he lived? I would have been worried about a person I had been seeing that long and tried to find out if something bad had happened to them. If you weren't able to because you didn't have any good contact information for him 9 months into the relationship, I'd say that's a good sign he was emotionally unavailable.

I knew where he lived but I didn't want charge over there and be pushy.
I had tried to phone him and txt him but he never answered.

I'm sorry to hear about your shock and pain. I was in the same place for a couple years. I thought, at one point, that I just wasn't good at relationships and keeping my distance was the wiser move. Healing takes time when another person's actions cause us to question our judgment. One does what is necessary to endure the trauma and survive, no?

Is it really necessary to shame someone about how they handled the relationship after the fact? People make mistakes and oversights in relationships all the time - haven't you?

I always used to worry about how women I broke up with would handle it. I got over that only when I reached the point where I was handling being broken up with well, regardless of circumstances.

By the time I break up with a woman, she has known it has been coming for awhile. This is not a surprise when I break up with them beacause I am very communicative with the women I am with about our relationship while IN the relationship.
However I never cease to be amazed and dumbfounded when women start schizing out and I tell them they need to knock it off and then the schizing out escalates!
So finally I tell them that after countless warnings and asking them to stop and they don't and so I say "goodbye then. We are done. It's over." I would prefer to do this in person but by the time the end comes, they KNOW the end is near and refuse to meet me in person so it always ends up being over the phone. Hey - their decision not mine.
I have been stalked by an ex. After I broke upwith her, she said she wanted to talk and would come over. But I was at a friend's house and my house was not locked and she got to my house before I did and was naked in my bed.
I thought I would have been a bad host if I told her to put her clothes on and leave, so I took mine off and got in bed. We had amazing sex and I told her to leave, it really was over and done and that if she kept bothering me, I would have a restraining order and enforce it. So that was that.
I find women who have behaved badly, cowardly or worse know they are going to broken up with and wish they would have behaved otherwise, but just couldn't bring themselves to behave well even with countless chances by an understanding guy and when it gets to that point, DONE. No more.
And Patsy - you can beat my ass if you want, but I did end a year long relationship by text from a woman who was very abusive to me, inconsiderate and out of control. After she refused to meet in person, refused to speak on the phone and kept sending acidic, nasty texts, I sent her a text and said "It's over.". So hey - if it gets to such a point, women (or men for that matter) may want to think about how they are behaving.
So that is my two cents.

ummm what does 'schizing' mean?