Emotional Affair, have you had one?

QT, this may end up being a long one, you know me once my fingers start hitting the keyboard (eek!).

I've spent the day thinking about this one, so I'm going to raise a couple of points for you to consider:

In my opinion, people can be very closed-minded at the best of times, in the sense that they see two close friends and they automatically jump to conclusions. Your friend's strong protests may come from place where his marriage is shaky and he's afraid that these accusations may reach his wife's ears and then things go awry or he is protesting in an attempt to reassure himself that his marriage isn't on as shaky a ground as it is. Though I do acknowledge that the way that you read into it could be another possibility.

You know how I met a guy and how, without our looking for it, we ended up falling for each other...HARD. Did we cheat...even emotionally? I don't believe that we did. No boundaries were crossed and when we realised what our feelings were, we acknowledged them and "nipped things in the bud". In my opinion, cheating only takes place when there's a decision to relate with each other as lovers. So, my immediate reaction to what you had to say remains unchanged even though it's hours later, "Are you REALLY having an emotional affair?" Just because people are reading into it that way, it doesn't make it the truth. We as people have a tendency to take things at face value. There can be a thing like soul-to-soul friendships without it having an adverse affect on one's marriage.

Perhaps your friend's wife is grateful for having you there as his friend and someone that he can confide in. If she's insecure about him leaving her for another man and she finds that you are there for him, then ultimately it lessens the threat because of the time and attention that is being paid on you. Perhaps they've even discussed it.

I mean, look at me. I am partly an emotional bisexual and I have craved for a deep, loving friendship with another man. As you know, I've only come to realise just how bi I really am and how I'm capable of loving another man...and ultimately acknowledging that I can find fulfillment in having sexual relations with him. This all took place about three months ago and my wife knows about everything for the last month and half or so. She knows about my emotional longings, how it comes with the risk of falling for him and how I am unable to offer her any guarantees that I will never "slip up". Yet she supports my needs and encourages me to get out there and "meet Mr. Right".

He may be turning to you to fulfill those longings so that his wife feels less threatened or because it's difficult to reach that place of having a very deep friendship with another man. There's all of the misconception, discrimination and also, I've found that quite a few gay or bi men are only in search of no strings attached sex.

Ultimately, the responsibility of his marriage rests solely on his shoulders. You have treated it with the dignity and respect that it deserves, but he's the only one that ought to decide what's best for it. So though, I'd encourage you to raise your concerns with him...a good starter could be, "Can you believe what those people had to say?", to see what his response is from that, to then disclose your concerns.

There are a lot of grey areas with this one but nothing that open and honest communication cannot fix.

I've just recently (as in two weeks ago) met who I believe to be my "Mr. Right". There have been too many things that make it seem as if my feeling is correct: My Mom was in ICU for about five weeks and his Mom has been in ICU for a month (up till Friday). My father passed away on Monday and his Mom passed away on Friday evening. Needless to say that we're sharing a very deep, personal and intimate walk. I find myself sitting and acknowledging that I love him with all of my heart as a result of our sharing, supporting each other and yes, even praying together. Am I in love with him? Hell no! Point is on the outside people may read into our relationship as being an emotional affair or even one that's sexual as well. But when one scratches beneath the surface, one is able to see that there are things that I believe are sacred enough to only remain between husband and wife (and it need not only be sexual) and this is a dimension that will always stay out of our relationship. Though I love him as much as I do, I do not love my wife any less, on the contrary, I love her even more because she knows about the depth of my love, the closeness of our walk and her only concern has been that I wind up getting hurt again (based on how things panned out with the other guy). There certainly is a
soul-to-soul connection however, if there were anyway to give our friendship a label, I would say that it's one of being "soul brothers" because I see him as a brother, I certainly love him as if he were my own flesh and blood.

I'm sharing this with the hope that you may be reminded that relationships come in varying depths and forms, but ultimately it's only up to the two of you to decide and live out what you would like it to be. And it's his responsibility to ensure that he doesn't cross any boundaries or compromise the marriage in any way. You have done your share by treating it with the respect that it deserves.

I'm in college, and I have to say that I've had many emotional affairs, with girls as well as guys. I think that's the basis of friendship. But sometimes it takes a while to find out what each relationship is about. It's not always clear at the beginning what form they might take, and where they're going. And sometimes these relationships create hurt. That's the chance we take when we love and care about other peeps.

I have had an emotional affair. I had been in a serious relationship with a guy for about 3 years when I realized that I was in love with my best male friend. That was tough. I think it ultimately resulted in the end of my relationship with my guy. It dawned on me that I felt so much stronger for my friend than I did for the guy I was involved with, and that wasn't healthy. My friend and I never ended up dating, but I ended the relationship with my guy because I realized that I didn't really love him anymore... I cared about him as a person, and I didn't feel that he deserved to be with someone who didn't love him as much as he needed/wanted to be loved. I've also been the "other woman" in an emotional affair, and that's tough as hell - especially when I had the same feelings for him as he did for me. We ended up completely cutting off our friendship and our communication because we couldn't handle it anymore, and I would've felt like shit if his marriage to his wife ended because of me.

If this was a woman you were friends with nj and sharing the same things would you even question it? A friendship is just a friendship, it has an emotional aspect, you share things with friends. Don't your women friends tell you things about their husbands? I'd disregard the gossips, some people find it hard to believe that a man and a woman can be just friends and have nasty minds.

[quote=SpoiledPrincess;1049900]If this was a woman you were friends with nj and sharing the same things would you even question it. [/quote]

No, I wouldn't. But I really don't think it's the same thing.

Course it is :) You have no sexual designs on him, his wife knows about your friendship and if she had any qualms about it she'd have let them be known, she's probably happy he has a friend who can share the experience of the group you were both in as she can't, and her wanting to meet up with you is probably her way of showing you she approves of your friendship and wants to be friends with you too. The people who are going on about the 'emotional affair' sound like sour pusses who are applying their own morals to you.

it's tricky when it's friends
all I can tell you is don't let other peoples ideas influence you
I'm in a similar situation where this girl, who has a bf and I only really want her friendship, we get along so well that other people sometimes think there is more to it then friendship. and she lets that impact her and she pulls away, and that hurts so bad because this girl means so much to me
I wish I had some more useful advice for you but I really don't
I just know I'm in a similar situation, and I don't know what to do either

Don't worry about it too much. You are in therapy and that is a very intimate thing right there. If you have a relationship with the wife and you are above board about everything, don't sweat it and go shopping.

[quote=biguy2738;1049705] QT, this may end up being a long one, you know me once my fingers start hitting the keyboard (eek!). That's why I love you and respect your opinions.

I've spent the day thinking about this one, so I'm going to raise a couple of points for you to consider:

In my opinion, people can be very closed-minded at the best of times, in the sense that they see two close friends and they automatically jump to conclusions. True, given the source of the warning I initially thought she may have been perturbed not just because he is married but because he is white and I'm black. This is afterall the rural south. Your friend's strong protests may come from place where his marriage is shaky and he's afraid that these accusations may reach his wife's ears and then things go awry or he is protesting in an attempt to reassure himself that his marriage isn't on as shaky a ground as it is. Though I do acknowledge that the way that you read into it could be another possibility. Well I have to admit he protested so vehemently at the time I thought, "well damn, I'm not that bad looking."

You know how I met a guy and how, without our looking for it, we ended up falling for each other...HARD. Yes, I remember. Did we cheat...even emotionally? I don't believe that we did. No boundaries were crossed and when we realised what our feelings were, we acknowledged them and "nipped things in the bud". In my opinion, cheating only takes place when there's a decision to relate with each other as lovers. That has definetely not occurred. So, my immediate reaction to what you had to say remains unchanged even though it's hours later, "Are you REALLY having an emotional affair?" Just because people are reading into it that way, it doesn't make it the truth. We as people have a tendency to take things at face value. There can be a thing like soul-to-soul friendships without it having an adverse affect on one's marriage. I'm not familiar with the term soul-to-soul friendship; but I think that may be closer to what he and I share. I was actually kinda surprised when he said I was his best friend. Then I thought about it and realized that he's right. We have become quite close and I do tell him things that I don't tell my girlfriends but they aren't usually of a sexual nature. We tend to compare notes on our whacked out childhoods, past abusive relationships, crazy familys, the forms and symptoms our depression and anxiety take.

Perhaps your friend's wife is grateful for having you there as his friend and someone that he can confide in. If she's insecure about him leaving her for another man and she finds that you are there for him, then ultimately it lessens the threat because of the time and attention that is being paid on you. That's a good point, I hadn't considered. Perhaps they've even discussed it.

I mean, look at me. I am partly an emotional bisexual and I have craved for a deep, loving friendship with another man. As you know, I've only come to realise just how bi I really am and how I'm capable of loving another man...and ultimately acknowledging that I can find fulfillment in having sexual relations with him. This all took place about three months ago and my wife knows about everything for the last month and half or so. She knows about my emotional longings, how it comes with the risk of falling for him and how I am unable to offer her any guarantees that I will never "slip up". Yet she supports my needs and encourages me to get out there and "meet Mr. Right". Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. I wish there were more men and women like her in the world instead of all this hate, fear and intolerance.

He may be turning to you to fulfill those longings so that his wife feels less threatened or because it's difficult to reach that place of having a very deep friendship with another man. Even if he felt the need for a man in his life right now, I think he'd be hard pressed to find a nice bi-guy in rural Georgia. There's all of the misconception, discrimination and also, I've found that quite a few gay or bi men are only in search of no strings attached sex. LOL Are you kidding, that's straight men too! If he wants nsa/sex he's gonna have to get a boyfriend.

Ultimately, the responsibility of his marriage rests solely on his shoulders. You have treated it with the dignity and respect that it deserves, but he's the only one that ought to decide what's best for it. So though, I'd encourage you to raise your concerns with him...a good starter could be, "Can you believe what those people had to say?", to see what his response is from that, to then disclose your concerns. OMG! Great minds really do think alike. I was mulling this over and had decided to say almost exactly what you just wrote.

There are a lot of grey areas with this one but nothing that open and honest communication cannot fix. True! I am a big fan of honesty. I have on occassion been accused of being brutally honesty.

I've just recently (as in two weeks ago) met who I believe to be my "Mr. Right". That's GREAT! I am so happy for you. There have been too many things that make it seem as if my feeling is correct: My Mom was in ICU for about five weeks and his Mom has been in ICU for a month (up till Friday). My father passed away on Monday and his Mom passed away on Friday evening.
I am so sorry for your loss. Needless to say that we're sharing a very deep, personal and intimate walk. I find myself sitting and acknowledging that I love him with all of my heart as a result of our sharing, supporting each other and yes, even praying together. Am I in love with him? Hell no! Point is on the outside people may read into our relationship as being an emotional affair or even one that's sexual as well. But when one scratches beneath the surface, one is able to see that there are things that I believe are sacred enough to only remain between husband and wife (and it need not only be sexual) and this is a dimension that will always stay out of our relationship. Though I love him as much as I do, I do not love my wife any less, on the contrary, I love her even more because she knows about the depth of my love, the closeness of our walk and her only concern has been that I wind up getting hurt again (based on how things panned out with the other guy). There certainly is a soul-to-soul connection however, if there were anyway to give our friendship a label, I would say that it's one of being "soul brothers" because I see him as a brother, I certainly love him as if he were my own flesh and blood.

I'm sharing this with the hope that you may be reminded that relationships come in varying depths and forms, but ultimately it's only up to the two of you to decide and live out what you would like it to be. And it's his responsibility to ensure that he doesn't cross any boundaries or compromise the marriage in any way. You have done your share by treating it with the respect that it deserves.
Thank you so much for sharing such intimate and painful life events with me here biguy2738. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out when you clearly have so much other stuff that needs tending.

If it's been of any help or reassurance, njqt, then it was worth it. I think that you know the love and respect that I have for you, so my sharing has been the greatest of pleasure.

I really do hope that things are able to work out with the two of you. I think that you are good for each other.

This might seem to be an immature view of friendships but I guess I take my deeper friendships pretty serious. There are girls I'd like to be more emotionally intimate with but not especially sexual. And there are even more guys I feel this way about. What does this mean? Is it wrong to want to cuddle and be close to your friends without getting it on with them? Does this give them the wrong idea? Is it possible to have really intimate closeness with other people without them being lovers? These are the questions that this thread brings up in me.

They are very good and certainly valid questions, Hung Jon. I don't think that your view of friendships are immature either maybe it's because I'm also guilty as charged.

I think that what some people tend to overlook is that some people are more affectionate than others. I think that a lot hinges on how people filter the realities of others. I am very affectionate, so I have a tendency to hug my friends. My wife doesn't know me as being anything other than affectionate. My friends accept it (and I think that they like to be validated in that way). So you aren't alone, Jon. I guess it's up to us to continue to be true to who we are and to relate with others in ways that remain in tune with who we are, regardless of how those around us filter it.

Wanna hug?

It's happened to me before because I tend to have more men friends than women. If you are worried about his emotional involvement, just do as you have already planned...back off a little, but use care to not confuse him, leaving him dejected. I think it's sad the other people in your group have nothing else going on in their lives but to gossip and make innuendos about the two of you. Just hold your head high and never stop being someone's friend because someone else doesn't understand your friendship and realize that you just want what is best for him.

I have a male friend that I am very close to and we talk about everything. I didn't even meet his wife until over a year of us getting together for lunches, phone chats, etc. When we did meet, her and I hit if off immediately, and she has always called me the other woman and his girlfriend.

No, there is nothing sexual between us at all, although he has stated he would like there to be and I am on his "freebie" list. His wife knows it as well and we have even discussed it. For myself, I made it clear that I was not interested in getting involved that way, and it has been fine for over four years.

However, it never affects my friendship with him or her. I think it is because I am very up front, she is very secure, they have been married 15 years, and we are all able to laugh off the sexual attraction he has for me rather than becoming uncomfortable.

He is the one of the few friends I have that know of my submissive tendencies, and he is able to vent to me and get a woman's opinion when he is upset with his wife. He knows that I will be honest and tell him if he is messing up, that I won't judge, nor will I repeat what he tells me.

My point is that it's okay if he is attracted to you. You are a beautiful woman, and it's natural to appreciate the sexuality of others, even to fantasize about them. It's if he wants to take it further, and if there are trust issues in his marriage that may cause the problems. You both have to be comfortable and be able to be yourselves without worrying that the other may get the wrong idea.

Male friends are wonderful to have, and he has been there for me numerous times, but if I ever even suspected it was affecting his marriage I would talk to them both and if need be, end the friendship.

In the one I was in in High School, and she let me lick her feet. She did have a football player for a boyfriend and they're now married to each other.