St. Ridhwan, after referring to the large tome before him:
"Hold on, there. You can't pass through these Pearly Gates."

Abdul: "But I've dedicated my life to Allah and I blew myself up in that crowded infidel schoolyard taking out many of Satan's spawn. I have come to claim my 72 virgins."

St. Ridhwan, shaking his head:
"No, sirreebob. The guy standing next to you in that mensroom you stopped at on the way to killing yourself accidentally spattered you with a drop of his urine. Ewwwww!!! Go away!"