Falling in Love with a Straight Guy

Anythinggoes: I'm going something pretty similar at the moment. Even though my mother, my sister, and a great portion of my friends are convinced he's not straight, I've come to accept that my best friend will always be straight and out of my reach, so I'm trying to move on in my life without him. I find it nearly impossible to be around him at all without having attached feelings, so I'm thinking about going on in my life after I graduate without him as a friend. It hurts to think about it, but I need to do what's best for me.

I sometimes wonder if I and others here tend to seek the unattainable. I have wanted bondings with guys that are straight, alcoholic, too young, or simply not into long-term relationships. And one was a closetted college track athelete. Perhaps we tend to pass up opportunities that are too easy for us, maybe as a way of preventing actual commitment to another, but laying the blame on the other guy's hangups and not on our own.

But, as I am not a licensed therapist/psychologist/counselor I don't claim to know the reasons we seek this self-abuse.

I am almost positive one of my best friends is gay. I became friends with him in high school but we didn't really bond until college. Every single guy from his group of friends in high school ended up coming out of the closet, or they're very blatantly gay and you can just tell. My friend also makes a lot comments about guys and would get jelous when girls give me a lot of attention and say very suggestive things(although this might just be more low self-esteem on his part). Early in our friendship he was the typical "I HATE FAGGOTS" kind of guy, he would always point out gay people and say terrible things about them, claim that gays are the "downfall of America", etc. If anyone gave him the slightest impression that they might be gay, he would completely obsess about it. Lastly, if I accidently kicked his foot or something underneath a table or something, he would give me a strange look every single time and be like "uhh...". Can someone explain what this means? I may be wrong, but I think this is what some gay guys do to communicate secretly, play footsie or something (LOL). Also once when I was driving I asked him if he could light my cigarette, which he did, but while doing it he said "OMG THIS IS SO GAY" like it was a huge deal. He has calmed down with his "fag-bashing" and strong homophobia since, but as you can probably infer already he is almost definitely gay, or bisexual maybe. He is an awesome friend but sometimes I wish he would just stop lying to himself about it. I'm straight but I've told him several times (not in a confronting way) that I'm fine with gay people and I wouldn't change my feelings towards someone if I found out they were (because obviously that's how it should be). He has calmed down since. The only thing that DOES make me feel kind of weird but I would never tell him is that he basically had a crush on me when I first met him. I know this because in high school we worked together and whenever we'd be in solicitated places he would indirectly try to grope me, LOL. It was pretty weird, but whatever. That was years ago and I think once he got to know me better he just started seeing me as a friend and not in that way, lmao.

I can love a man, but I can't be in love with a man like I can a woman - if that makes sense. I imagine many str8 guys would be the same.

So appropriate

This is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. What a heart wrenching experience. So sad. I hope you find your true love one day....I really do.

Hahaha...24 seems to be the age for this kind of thing...lol...I Guess im just glad im not the only person to go through this Shitty situation. Truth is, there's probably many reasons this relationship occured the way it did. Before it, I was so affraid to love...guess afraid to be hurt. He was at the exact same point in his life. Somehow we were able to brake down eachothers walls and be completely free in allowing each to feel and love as openly with eachother as we wanted. It was this kind of safe experiment, where we could love in this little hidden box of ours without worry of really opening it to the world as we normally do in relationships. I don't know its crazy, and im no longer bitter....just ready for my next adventure...hopefully with slightly less of a rollercoaster of emotions, man or woman.

How apt! Well said!

Well, I've fallen into that pit of despair. He was an 18 year old freshman when I was a 22 year old sophomore ( I went to school late). We both played Lacrosse, he on the D-1 team, me on the club team. We hung out a couple times. He knew I was gay and it didn't bother him. He treated me like a great friend. He made time to hang out with me even though he travelled with the Lacrosse team alot. I remember a day he came to my dorm room, told me that his roommate was making too much noise and asked if he could sleep in my room. I got treated to sitting there watching this guy sleep. Yeah, I fell in love with him.

Then there was another dude I met in college....well....you get the idea. I had just came out that first year I went to college. So, any guy that was really cool to me and had similiar interests....I guess I fell in love with.

Been having sex with the same married guy for 13 years, love him to death have also been with the same partner for over 20 years, love them both, it can be accomplished with lot's of effort.
Alan

I guess to each his own, but that to me sounds like a very unfullfilling lifestyle...Your helping the man who is married continue his disseption with his wife. The woman he vowed to devote his whole self to completely, and as for your partner...he doesnt mind you going off and fucking some other guy? I'll reiterate, to each his own, but true love includes complete devotion in my book. No offence...just speaking my lifes truth.

A polite "No, I am sorry" is all you would risk from a mature person, but I am afraid not everybody is.

Anyway, a declaration would be embarassing for the straight guy too, and he might disappear from your life afterwards.

A while ago (okay six years, that's what 12 in gay years?!?!) when I was 15, my best friend (who I've known since childhood) and I started 'maturing' sexually and emotionally. We had been real pals up until the point that I kept putting him off ('cause of my emotions and such) because I was feeling things that I just couldn't tell him. Homosexuality runs throughout my family, so being gay wasn't a problem. But along with the explanation of what it means in our society today, came fears and hauntings that brought me to tears each time I thought of him and our past.
One evening he begged me to go out on the town with him, from which I became more and more unstable and fearful of any questions that he may ask. Still, I did it. Later that night we proceeded to his house to work on some school work when he popped the question. Now at first I thought it would have been "are you gay?" to which I would have given him an answer for without hesitation. BUT instead he asked "Daryn, do you like me?" Uh-Oh! So I tried to think of things to say for a moment, but nothing came. I just and to tell him. "No, 'Mr. X' I'm in love with you.
He smiled and said "I knew it!!!" and for a moment I thought everything was okay... until he told his mother. I was then called by, told by and asked by his mother not come over, speak to his son, or call their house again. Even when things are fine between friends, or when it's okay to love some one, when you're young you don't really have the foresight to ensure privacy from your parents ESPECIALLY if they are unaccepting of their children's lifestyles. But we still talked at school.
He isn't gay and I am still in love with him, but being gay has taught me to keep my eyes and ears and heart on those who are also gay. Mr. X. and I have had our fun, but for now I treasure our friendship more than anything that could come from a relationship with him. My advice to anyone and everyone is first, know who it is you're telling. Maybe try to understand how they feel about gay people before you tell them anything revealing about yourself. Influence them by talking about a family member or school friend (existent or non) and redirect their thoughts. Two, if he/she is accepting and you're out of the closet... chances are they already know... but still... be careful in how you phrase your feelings... be 'lite' in content. Maybe open the conversation with some memorable times you share.
Don't expect he/she to feel the same. He/she may very well do so or feel as such, but they may not be ready to tell you. Lastly, make it clear that you only wanted he/she to know how you feel and that you were only being honest to yourself and your friend.
It's truly a very tough situation that straight people will never really understand (lest they fall in love with a gay person of the opposite sex which is like 1 in 10.) So proceed with caution-

-Daryn

Ever consider the idea that you are BOTH in denial about your feelings for each other? That instead of worrying about the future, you can be with each in the present? (sigh)

i find this thread so funny, its like the circle of life. well i guess im happy someone added to it. the last time i wrote on this thread, i believe it was the second post, it was about this guy i worked with. that was a year ago.

and now a year and two days later after that post, its someone else. i told myself after that guy to never do the same thing again, but i did. so here is another story im gonna add. this guy, ill call him Ben, became a friend in school. he was in one of my classes, thought he was the most adorable guy and thought that he had the most beautiful set of brown eyes i had ever seen. we sat next to each other a few times, and worked together in class. so i guess since the first day i liked him. then after class ended, we would occasionally see each other in school and say hi. all of us lived in the dorms. then this one night, a mutual friend invited me to a friends house for some "extracurricular activities" and he was there too. and i guess we all clicked, and me and Ben and the mutual friend started hanging out. going to the school bar getting drunk, just hanging out being stupid. then of course the feelings started up. i couldnt get enough of him, it felt like a drug addiction. i mean they knew about my preferences, it sort of became a joke, which sometimes bothered me, but what are you gonna do. we were a party group, the crazy and "dont give a fuck about the world" kids. which from my end, i never was. i was always a calculated person, not really living life, just letting it pass me by. so meeting him and our other friends opened my eyes. i guess giving me a new life, an awareness of the world. so i guess i wanted more of his drug cause he was so much fun, so laid back, not a care in the world. and he made me feel so welcome, appreciated. it sort of became a brotherhood, something i never really had.

i guess what makes this story different from the last one was that this guy became a good friend. so all the time i was confused, im like how am i suppose to have this friendship? how can i stop these feelings, which is a complete oxymoron, i think, cause how can you stop your feelings? or maybe i havent learned it yet. so i guess to a certain degree i stayed away, kept myself closed enough, to prevent him from knowing, which in turn killed me. cause all i wanted was to be with him, actually maybe not. cause whenever i was with him i always looked at him with sad and pained eyes. telling myself "your doing it again, youre hurting yourself. keep your distance. stop." so as much as i wanted to just be open and have him know me, i kept my distance. we were still friends, but my relationship with him is lesser compared to our other mutual friends, though me and him have much more in common with each other compared to the others. towards the end, i barely saw him, but still spent time with our mutual friends, and i was fine with that, even though i still wanted to spend time with him. i remember the last night we spent together, a week before leaving school. our friends had their own thing going, so it was just me and him, never really happened before. we just spent the night hanging out, being stupid, having a laugh and a great time. i guess, what made that last night the best night, was i completely let myself go. i allowed myself to be free. i wasnt strained, wasnt scared. i became myself in front of him. and i had the best time and im sure he did too. i felt happy cause it was something i thought i could never do, not just him, to anyone of our friends in school.

but after all that, i dont regret any one moment. he helped me become what person i am today. and people like that always have a place in your heart. and in those moments, when it was just truly just "me" and "him," were some of the best times of my life. through those moments i realized how loving of a person i could be, and in turn, how much i can also be loved.

i'm really starting to love this thread, because these stories are so entrancing and beautiful...especially in the case of anythinggoes.

i'm always falling in love with straight guys, but i never made any moves or dropped any hints in order to avoid embarrisment. i've been in love with the boy next door for years, but have never acted on it for the fear of losing him. i just couldn't bear that. we're good friends, and i really can't see us being anything more....sad, but true.