Doug's Comeuppance

Yup. Just busy with work. Here's where the story is at, so far.

Charlotte and Julie talked a little while longer. It was getting late and I knew Julie was planning hikes in the early morning. Every now and then, the two would giggle like junior high school girls. I went into the cabin's tiny living room and finished my drink. There was no TV so I sat down on the couch and just thought about how I was going to get Julie out the door.

I thought I might be able to send Julie to the general store for supplies. Mark would be a problem too but I still didn't regard him as much of a threat. Charlotte would drop him for a real man with experience in a minute. He could be moved to the side, sent to his room. I finished my drink in a swallow, closed my eyes, and imagined the feel of my lips on Charlotte's generous bosom, my hands caressing her curvy ass.

I heard chairs move across linoleum. I opened my eyes. "Good night, Julie," said Charlotte as she was crossing the living room behind the couch.

"Good night, Char." Julie was coming into the living room and took a seat next to me.

"Good night, Charlotte," I added. My eyes were on Charlotte's sexy departing view, swaying ass checks wrapped tight in denim.

Julie gave me a playful punch. "Hey, I'm here."

"I can look, can't I?"

"See that's all you do," Julie said. She was smiling at me. My God, she was clueless.

"What were you two talking about in there?"

"Mostly about Mark," she said. "I want her to get serious and find a man her age."

"She likes little boys," I said.

"No, she likes men, I've known her a long time." And, from what she says, Mark is no little boy."

"She's used to small guys," I said. "As soon as a kid with an average dick shows up, she gets all excited."

Doug," said Julie. "Stop that kind of talk." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I think they can hear us."

"I don't think so," I said.

"Yeah, I can hear them," said Julie. "Listen."

I did. I could hear low talking, a giggle. I couldn't make out any words until I heard her say, "Please".

"I have to study," was Mark's barely audible reply. Apparently, he was not quite the insatiable stud Charlotte claimed he was.

There was some more talking. Julie and I looked at each other. In a minute, we heard the sound of a bed swaying, the unmistakable rhythm of slow fucking. "I guess Char won that argument, good for her."

"She should be arrested," I said to Julie. I was full of indignation though in hindsight, I don't know why. Only a year ago, I had taken the virginity of a daughter of one of my employees. She was sixteen at the time. It was some of the best sex ever too, her squealing that my cock was too big, my plunging it forward anyway, making sure that the next man that got in there would find a lot of empty space.

Julie brought me back to the moment. "I don't think she's hurting anyone," she said, her forehead creased in pain. "Oh Doug, I'm so confused."

"Maybe she's just having a fantasy," I said to Julie. "Maybe she's making this whole thing up."

"Oh Doug, you don't really believe it."

I shrugged. "We didn't see anything."

"You can hear them," Julie said, pointing to the door, the source of the sound of the bed creaking.

"Yeah, I can hear that. But maybe they're...I don't know, dancing."

Julie shook her head. "You're crazy."

My eye was on the door. It wasn't latched properly. It was open a hair's width. I could crack it open slowly and we can see what they were doing. I suggested it to Julie.

"No, we shouldn't." Julie seemed a little unsure. "We really shouldn't."

I was already off the couch and tip-toeing for the door. The noise of the bed grew louder. I knelt down and pushed the door open slowly. The angle on the bed was perfect. I could already see someone's bare feet handing off the bed. I paused as I noticed Julie knelt beside me. I opened the door a little bit more.

What I saw confused me for a second. Charlotte was on all fours, facing away from us. An extremely muscular backside was right behind her, his thick ass punching into Charlotte, making her gasp with every thrust. He was too far away from her ass to be really penetrating her though unless he was just pushing with the tip of his cock. It was strange but maybe Charlotte didn't want this Mark kid inside her.

"Charlotte didn't win the argument entirely," said Julie into my ear.

Mark was still studying. He had a book opened over Charlotte's ass. He had a notebook open onto the book and he was writing into it with a pencil. I'd never seen anything like that before. The kid was fucking a beautiful girl while he was doing his homework.

"God, that's so good Baby," said Charlotte, in between gasps. "You're doing me good."

Mark grunted "uh uh" but kept his rhythm. "One more calculus problem," he told her. "I promise."

"It's OK baby," said Charlotte, moaning through the words. "I can wait all night."

Julie and I looked at each other. Her look was one of shock. I don't know what I looked like to her but I tried to hide my envy. Even when I was his age, I never got to fuck a piece of ass as good as Charlotte. And I never fucked anyone while doing math problems. I was reminded though that he was probably not really fucking her, that the head of his dick was only touching the outside of Charlotte's pussy. But I only had to wait a little longer to find out what would happen when Mark finished his homework.
"Done," he said, closing the book on Charlotte's ass and then laying it beside him on the bed. "Hang on Baby."

Mark pressed on her back and she fell to her stomach. He then came down on top of her. He started pushing faster now. Mark's head was down by the back of Charlotte's neck and he was nibbling. "That's so sweet, Baby." I could see all the thick muscles in Mark's arm support him easily as he did pushups over her body, his body coming down low to say something low in her ear that made her giggle. Then his body would come back up and that gave him more room for his hips to thrust forward.

His tempo was picking up. Charlotte's head was moving toward the headboard at the end of every long stroke. "Uggg Ugg," Charlotte seemed to be saying. She reached behind her hand back and started slapping his hip. "Too deep, too deep, too much Baby."

"OK, Sweetie," said Mark. He pulled his body off her and started to turn.

great story please keep going

Love the story, great update. Keep the updates coming.

Another great update. I'm really enjoying this story so far. Great work as always Aliensrus

Sorry that I'm still negative on this one but hope you take this criticism construtively as it is meant. There's too much speech, there's been no action so far, you haven't hooked the reader and the characters have no identity and all seem unpleasant. The 'hero' whose comeuppance we're waiting to witness is so unpleasant that for him to have been married 18 years is unbelievable.

I'm just waiting for the giant penis to make an appearance :)

Spoiled Princess,
I take all sincere criticism constructively. I appreciate you staying with a story you've already said you're not excited about. The action should start at the next installment.
I thought I would have the reader hooked earlier by having a genuinely unpleasant person narrating his own story. That may have been a worthy effort but ultimately an error.

Sergeant Torpedo,
It's not intended as a soap opera. I actually was looking at it as a kind of black comedy.

Thanks to all for your comments, positive and negative.

A.

I couldn't disagree more with SpoiledPrincess. I think it's absolutely clear what you're setting up, and I couldn't be enjoying it more. Having him narrate his own comeuppance is a fine approach and it is working well. I believe that SP's aversion to the story has more to do with her disconnecting from the theme altogether, as opposed to flawed technique or character development.

Keep it up - it's going wonderfully.

Hi Gang,

I thought I would weigh in on this literary gang bang

Having written a couple of erotic stories myself, with an attempt at plot line and character development, I can say that it is harder than it looks. The time it takes the writer to develop the plot line and allow the character to grow tends to detract from the real reason people like to read erotica -- hot sex.

I hope this doesn't come across as too pedantic, I'm just trying to be helpful. Please take it in the spirit it is intended. What I sometimes find to be helpful is once you are finished the story, set it aside for a day or two then go back and give it an edit to tighten up the paragraphs and cut down some of the superfluous description. A trick to increase the sex and erotica might be to throw in a flash back to a previous sexual encounter or expand some of the sexual fantasy thoughts of the character to spice up the story for the reader.

I think Aliensrus is developing an interesting plot line in this story. The challenge is to give the erotica reader what they are looking for -- some sex and descriptions of sexual prowess -- while you are developing the plot line and the characters. The difficulty with this particular story is that Doug can't think about anyone having a great bod or sexual prowess except himself. The author is restricted by the attitude of our lead character.

The fact that we as readers all hate Doug and are looking forward to him being put in his place suggests to me that Aliensrus is successful at what he is trying to accomplish.

The title, Doug's Comeuppance, does suggest our obnoxious lead character is going to get his in the end I for one will keep reading if only to see Doug put in his place.

The reference to our hero Mark balancing his text book on Charlotte's ass doing his math homework while she moaned from his sexual prowess is terrific -- a bit unbelievable, but terrific. I think I will have that image in my mind for a long time...

My one suggestion is to try and weave more sexual description and physical description into the story where possible.

I'm looking forward to the next installment.

cheers

JJ

This is a great story. I for one find the main character's arrogance hot as hell, as well as the eay going hypersexuality of the youth characer. Please keep up the good work.

I am enjoying the story. Considering the constraints of 3 posts and a dozen paragraphs, you have clearly set the stages for the characters and the anticipated Comeuppance. Doug is arrogant and Julie is naïve. Charlotte and Mark are portrayed as enigmas by the story, which will be revealed to the determent of Doug’s arrogance and benefit of Julie’s naivety.
As to the criticism that the characters are too linear and unbelievable. Well maybe, but the black and white contrast for the stated story title (which is Comeuppance of Doug) is likely to be a perfect fit. And one should bear in mind that Mark fitting perfectly with Charlotte and probably Julie as well is unbelievable as well. I would say that the characters are more unlikely than unbelievable. But it is precisely their extraordinary nature (as least physically speaking) that most readers on this site are drawn too.

You know, this is a little off topic but I'm stricken with how articulate and literate all of the comments have been on this story. Positive or negative, you guys have very well-thought out opinions. I participate in a writer's workshop and I don't see analysis of this caliber.

I would get into a literary gang-bang with all of you anytime. (Love that phrase, "literary gang-bang").

I'm going to New York on business next week. I hope to have the next installment before then and maybe finish the story in the hotel.

A.

I find there can be problems with writers workshops in that often their opinions are informed by the same source.