Well first off,
Damnit, I blew a chance to do something nice for Hung Muscle
. Anything else nice I can do for you??
I'm not sure if I'm a "search" fan, or a "new thread" fan. So may advantages and disadvantages for both. In my particular case, I participated in the past thread, but wasn't ready to completely share at that time. Perhaps bringing it up again in a new thread at this time, might be a good thing for me. I don't know that I would have went back and found it, to post again. Who knows? I can't tell you how many times in the past, I have typed this out and then deleted it.
As weird at it sounds, I have grown to respect and even have "friendship" feelings for many here. Believe me, I know that there are "fakes and flakes" here too, and possibly even someone who if given the chance, would use this opportunity to hurt me, but hopefully I am safe enough for that not to happen.
This issue has haunted me for more than half of my life now. It has affected my entire life since it happened. Prior to my getting therapy, both personal and group, I had blocked it out of my mind, and convinced myself that it was a traumatic event that I had dealt with, and I was fine. As I found out, nothing could be further from the truth. I still don't recall everything from this time period, but as I went through the therapy, I found many memories coming back and filling in the gaps.
I was 20 at the time. (I only know this from events that happened later) I was at a gas station fueling up,and I think I had a box with rooster inside or something, (not unusual for me,lol) because this guy comes over and asks if I was interested in poultry? I said yes. He told me that he used to have lots of pheasants, etc. and he still had some literature and books that I would probably interested in.
When he asked if I wanted to see them, I said sure and agreed on a time. When I arrived, he said that since it was early in the evening, he hadn't ate his dinner yet, and invited me to have some. He seemed nice enough and all we did was talk about birds. You know, something that I still find strange is that for the life of me, I cannot remember what he looked like, or his name. I remember what road he lived on, but cannot remember which house it is.
After that, he took me through his garage to a room that had been built on. There were lots of book shelves (with books of course) and so I wasn't really alarmed yet. Even though there was a bed in there, I just figured he used it for a guest room. Anyway, he took a few books, tossed them on the bed, and said something like "Here, take a look at these and I'll be right back. As he turned to walk away, I leaned over to get one of the books. I felt something come around my waist, and them something on my neck. I think he said something about if I fought or screamed, he would kill me.
A lot of that night is still a blur, although through all of the therapy that I have been through, some of it has come back. I don't recall how my clothes were removed or even most of the events that night. I remember being on my back on the bed, and seeing him above me and knew that he was in me, but couldn't, or don't remember feeling anything. I remember being in a bathroom and puking. I remember my gut feeling yucky and his stuff coming out of my butt.
Before he let me leave the room, he told me that if I ever told anyone, he would say that I had come to house and wanted it. He said that he knew my phone number and would tell my parents and everyone in town that I was gay and had sought him out. A few days later, he called me (no caller ID way back then) and again repeated those threats if I didn't "go out" with him. He even had me "go out" with some of his friends. One of my worst memories, and/or regrets, is that he "convinced me" to go out with him on my 21st Bday. For most, turning 21 is an exciting time, and brings back good memories. For me it will always remain part of my nightmare.
After a few months of this, I got a chance to move out of town to go to School I kept that a secret from him, and he didn't know until I was gone.
That has messed with my mind for years. At first, I tried to deny any gay feelings, and blamed them on what happened. I blamed myself and thought I must have been acting "gay" or had something about me that told him he could do that. That led to me thinking that I must be gay, and persuing that lifestyle, but even that wasn't always comfortable and so I purposely "stopped". I don't feel "complete" no matter what I do.
My hardest time was when my Mom was raped a couple of years later, I felt like I was losing it. I couldn't tell her that I understood. I finally went to a Pshyciatrist because I was breaking down crying several times a day, but I still couldn't tell her or even admit I was raped. It was also extrely hard when I found out years later, after I returned to town, that he had died of AIDS (one of his "friends" saw me and yold me). I swear I wanted to get tested every day for 6 months. Luckily I was/am clean.
It's f!#$ked, and it still haunts me. As I said, later ( a couple of years ago) I went through therapy, and even became a part of a Men's survivor group, and I can deal with it a little easier. I also know that my desire for men, isn't "because" of that, but maybe now you can understand what much of my apprehension is. I question every gender related feeling that I have. This eventually became a weapon used by my ex-wife in our divorce and custody battle. Again I was forced to re-live it.
Last, please don't feel sorry for me. It's something that happened and I am dealing with it everyday. I am hesitant to tell folks because I don't want anyone's pity.
I apologize if any of this post comes out weird. I have spent the last hour trying to remember and convey my feelings.
I actually want to thank the OP for bringing this up again. Also to those who cared enough to read through this post, Thank You.
