I Have Knot in my Head

It's late, i'm tired, and I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of myself, my sexuality, my future.

I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions, of screwing up how my life is going.

I'm afraid of reaching the age of 20 in 6 months and never having had a serious relationship, never having ever properly kissed somebody.

I'm afraid of whats going to happen now: I looked at a couple of previous threads I made, and I think I can see myself sliding towards homosexuality; I see myself gradually realising, and then denying and lieing to myself to make it easier.

And tonight, I just suddenly woke up, completely awake and my brain was just replaying over and over again "you're gay and you won't admit it".

I looked at previous advice, and i thank those people again for their words of wisdom, and I know that I am perhaps too young to be so worried about such things.

But I can't go on with this many knots in my head, this many uncertainties and lies and things.

I need somebody to talk to, I need somebody I know to go through this crap with me and tell me that it's allright, and that they don't care what sexuality I am. I still am not sure what to do.

I have come on socially from my last thread, I made a great friend in halls that we talk about a lot together, but i don't know if I can burden him with the biggest secret, and the hardest knot that my mind posesses.

Further, I don't know exactly how he'd react, I suspect he'd be cool about it, but I'm worried, we're the best friends that each other has had pretty much ever (totally platonic before you ask), and I don't want to screw up that friendship by burdening him with too much.

My god thats a shit reason....

Ok, the real reason is this:

I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT.

I don't want to admit that I'm gay.

And here I am, admitting it here. (I love you LPSG!)

I don't know if it's the right thing to admit either, I'm not sure if it really is the case. I know that I am fairly predomenantly interested in guys, but i still find the odd girl attractive. Yet, I've said it before and I'll say it again - bisexuality feels like a lie.

I feel like I should go and explore this side of me... but my wings are clipped - I'm so afraid of doing anything that I'd screw up any relationship I have. Not only that, but getting a relationship would be hard.... I want one.... that's quiet, and not too sort of.... widely known. I want a stealth gay relationship (ninja sex!) to get things sorted out in my head, to confirm that this is what I really want.

But this is so hard to do! I live in such a small city, the walls have eyes and ears and I doubt I could turn up to any gay bar or to any of the LGBT meets without somebody that i know somehow seeing me and finding out and then it's game over, no save, no more lives.

I don't know what to do. I'm better off than i was a year ago, but I still feel like every choice is the wrong one.

Who says you have to decide now?

And, despite what some people may tell you, you can think you're gay and then later realize that you aren't.

By all means, experiment. Discreetly, if you feel the need. But don't put so much pressure on yourself to decide your sexual identity at age 19, especially when you (as you have said) haven't really had enough experience to definitively know what turns you on.

God, funny how your situation mirrors mine.

I'd say starting late in high school and through my first couple years at college, I was really fighting with myself. "No, I can't be gay. I like women alright. I think." And so it would go on over and over and over again. Finally I cracked when I confirmed for sure that my best friend was gay...that night I got no sleep. I tossed, I turned, I cried, I told myself that I had to stop lying to myself and say what I had to say.

I told my mom I was bi the next day. And a couple close friends. It was extremely difficult, and the more I think about it the less I believe I am truly bi, merely gay with a conscious ability to critique women. Less honest attraction and more a survival mechanism for living in a world of heterosexuality.

For 3 months after that, I told nobody. I just mulled it over. Finally I started telling people online, and a couple friends IRL. I ended up hooking up with a guy 6 months after my 20th birthday (who was amazingly sweet, god I love him, but I digress...) and that was the first real sexual experience I ever had with another person. Before that, I had kinda cuddled up with my girlfriend of a couple weeks back when I was 17, and that was it.

It takes a lot of time to deal with it. It's been nearly 8 months since I first came out, and I still haven't told my father, my extended family, and many of my friends. I'm not entirely comfortable talking about it in person (thank god for the anonymity of the internet!). But I'm making progress.

I think you're going to be unsure of your sexuality even after you have the courage to come out. It's only after having what's in your head mesh with what's happening in the world around you that you start to feel comfortable in your own skin again. At least, that was/is the case with me.

Best of luck to you in figuring this all out and making it through. :)

good lord, you're only 20! get over it already.

I agree Rob, but it's the 800 pound gorrila in the corner of my mind, it's been there for years now and I just want it to go away as my skull isn't big enough for the both of us.

I want to get it sorted out in my mind sooner rather than later.... but I feel like its not going anywhere.

Maybe you need to take a holiday somewhere sunny where no one knows you? If you fall into bed with someone then you'll know if you're gay. There are certain physical indications....

You're 19. You're normal. I know very few 19 year olds that are any more clear on this topic than you are. Most are just frightened to say they are frightened. Gay, straight, and bi aren't categories that you have to choose, their just ways of helping you understand yourself. There are some really good threads on this subject around here, but I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself too fast.

Rob's excellent advice to discretely experiment seems very sensible. If your town is too small, perhaps you can plan an excursion to a little more discreet place in the near future and figure a bit more out.

There is great support available here for whatever you are. You are a smart guy to have posted, but you should turn down the pressure considerably. There is no race to the finish line.

Thanks for the excellent post. I think thats probably how I'm going to have to take it, gradually, testing the water, and moving on

I think that once I can admit it to myself, and once I can admit it to one of my friends, it'll go a lot faster, it's the first hurdle thats the most daunting though.

This made me smile. I wish I could, and I want to, so I can move on.

Like them having a penis? Thats usually a good sign!

I can't afford to sadly. I sort of wish I'd gone to uni in edinburgh, like the rest of my friends, then I would have been able to spread my wings a bit more when it came to this. But, then I wouldn't have made my current best friend and I wouldn't have had the close support of my family.

I'm once again, thankfull for your ensightfull posts Forties - I think you posted in the previous two threads I made about this, and I've found your advice very helpfull.

I feel so frightened though, I'm too afraid to go on an excursion and figure these things out. I am litterally terrified of myself, and I'd just end up having a miserable time I think. My self confidence is an issue, and I doubt I could just pick up a guy and have a discreet affair like that, and even if i did, i'd be terrified, litterally terrified.

I am frightened of sex and exploring my sexuality, I can see myself, in bed with soembody, shaking, terrified, unable to act properly, and I don't know why. I'm just scared of exploring that side of myself, perhaps scared of this rite of passage...

I don't know, I'm rambleing here.

You won't hear me say this very often but

you need to get laid.

Well, yes, thats probably the first time in my life where that advice is actually true.

Taking it slowly and experimenting is going to be the way you really get a handle on who you are. Always remember that you're not going to change who you are, just discover who you are.

Personally, I'm in the odd position of having to confirm whether or not I like women much or not. I guess I did it backward, heh.

Good advice. Go somewhere, mingle, meet someone.

If it's great, great.

If it's not great, it's an experience. And you will have learned a little about yourself.

There are lots and lots of possibilities between no experience and just picking somebody up randomly. Small steps. Prepare carefully. Be safe. Spend some time with gay people with your clothes on. Join a gay/straight alliance. Read some of the gay fiction in our forum.

It will happen when it is supposed to happen. This is what we old guys used to listen to to remind us.

Yes, some things simply have to be done and then we move on. Sex does get better with experience and familiarity. It's a pretty good bet that your first experiences are going to be awkward, if not wretched. Accept that and learn from the experience.

Yes, in my case I had 3 months to mull it over in my mind after I came out. Then I met a guy online and we talked about sex and sexuality for a month before we actually did anything, and he was amazingly sweet and patient about it when we did have sex. And before any of that even took place, I had been exposed to gay porn for a long time.

So, yeah, you don't want/need to rush this TOO much. It's not like you need to go and sleep with a guy TOMORROW. In fact, that's doing yourself quite a disservice. Learn about gay sex, become comfortable with it, spend time with gay people, become comfortable with them, etc. etc. All of these are key to working your way up the ladder.