Sensitive issue: How to ask for an abortion

Talk with your wife about the baby, plans for your future as a couple and as a family, et cetera. The sorts of things any couple should talk about when they get pregnant.
As for bringing up abortion... geez that's a tricky one. On the one hand, I'd say you're a colossal jerk if you're going to try to convince her to do that if it's not something she wants to do. That's the kind of decision that will stay with you your entire life. On the other hand, having a child will stay with you your entire life, too, and if you don't want one and you aren't honest with your wife about this that's not really fair to her or the kid. Of course, shirking your responsibility should you two want different things isn't exactly fair to them, either, so maybe you should just suck it up.

Still, communicate as much as possible.

I agree with the man above talk to her if she does not want it then to bad be ready to be a daddy its really her choice.

Wow, Jeff, you have courage in posting how to handle the issue of an abortion with your wife. You may receive the whole gamut of opinions on one of the most controversial subjects in (American) society, but I hope the responses you will get will be thoughtful and constructive.

Is this an accidental pregancy for the two of you? Were you using contraception in your marriage beforehand, and this pregnancy was a result of that rare occurence when the contraception didn't work? I ask for clarification to help frame the response.

Without knowing much about the circumstances, I recommend that "abortion" not be your opening gambit with her. You can level with her that perhaps the two of you, as a couple, are not situationally able to raise a child right now. Then ask if she feels comfortable with carrying the baby to term and giving it up for adoption, or if abortion is a preferable option because the experience of pregnancy will be too traumatic. Getting her thoughts/input on this pregnancy before you reveal your own thoughts is key. You may even want to hold off a day on revealing your own position.

Just start with the simple, open-ended question, "How do you feel about this pregnancy?". Inquire and just listen, draw her position out explicitly. Reglect back to her your understanding of her position. Then carefully introduce your own position. This is a matter of communication above all else. If the communication breaks down, so too will your marriage.

Best wishes in resolving this complex issue.

If you really didn't want to have children then it's something you should've
sensitively raised before having sex, then you should've sensitively taken some responsibility with regards to contraception!

that was really helpful

Is she opposed to abortion? If she is, you probably shouldn't do it at all. Otherwise you should just ask her how she feels about having a baby right now

It might not be helpful BigA - but it's a bloody fact!

And you don't just ask a pregnant woman if she really wants to have a baby, what's sensitive about that???

I'm all for a woman's right to choose, don't think for a second that I'm opposed to abortion, I'm not. But I've had friends who have done it and it has haunted them forever.

The issue must be raised if he really isn't prepared to be a father - but I wouldn't want to be in his shoes - I've been pregnant, we're not always very rational with all those hormones rushing around our bodies.

Yeah, he made a mistake obviously. he doesn't need to be scolded about it. anyway, accidents happen

sorry, my bad for not explaining my motivation behind the request. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and we both had talked about not wanting kids until our atleast 6-8 years into the marriage. We have always used protection because of my bisexual tendencies. It never occoured to us that the condom might fail to prevent pregnancy. She seems to want to keep it and I still want to enjoy a few years of stress free life (I am not mentally prepared for fatherhood yet). This is a very complicated situation for me because I stongly feel that if she keeps this child I will resent her for the rest of my life (honestly though, I am more afraid of resenting the child than her) and if she does aborts it and does not want to she will resent me. I just dont know what to do....

If she seems to want to keep it then your desires for a stress free life will probably have to be sacrificed, simple as that. It's harsh, but it's true.

If you feel you will resent her for wanting to keep the child you both had a part in creating, then you probably don't really love her as much as you'd like us, and yourself, to think you do.

If you tried to force an abortion on her, it could possibly lead to not only her resenting you, but her suffering mental anguish for the rest of her life.

My words might seem harsh, but this is a harsh situation. I'm sorry for your problem, it's always a shame when yet another child is considered a 'mistake'. I hope you manage to come to a decision that pleases you both.

well, would you rather abort it and have her resent you, or the other way around?

Jeffrey - I am almost 100% pro female choice on abortion - the hardest question for me is when the woman wishes to and the father doesn't.

In your case, I would say go with what has happened - life is a funny old journey - don't think that you can plan and be in control of everything.

Who is to say that this kid won't be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

If you can see that your wife is happy with the situation, now is the time that she needs your total support.

Good luck.

Abort..Divorce..Grow up.. Life is not always convienent..

One line speaks volumes..

"It did not occur to us that the condom would fail to prevent prgnancy"

Married for what 2 years? So more than likely been sexually active for several years longer than that, and it never once occured to you that condoms aren't 100% safe?

I find this all to be rather immature in nature.

Anyway..

She's pregnant, you don't want it and she seems to want it. Well part of having sex is knowing the possibilty of this happening, and as far as I'm concerned, protection or not, when you have sex your accepting this chance, and the chance that any predetermines time scales for pregnancy might well go out the window once its happened and the horomones and such kick it.

If she wants it, then she should keep it regardless of how you feel about it, and yes I know thats very harsh, but thats life, its her body, her choice. You did the deed and will have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Talk to her ffs, its not that hard.

"Honey.. I'm worried. We had so many plans and this wasn't one of them atm. I'm not saying I don't want it, I'm saying I feel confused and scared. Talk to me. What do you want? How do you feel?"

If she says she's really happy and wants to keep it then say..

"Ok, but how does that affect our plans? This is 4 years earlier and I wasn't expecting it. "

Talk about how your new life plans will be and you may find that in theory, she still wants the same as you, just with a little baby along for the ride too.

I thought having my first would ruin my life. It changed it sure, but I'm still me, I still do the things I wanted to before I had him, went on to have another 2 after him and the only difference it made to my life was having more people to share things with and new experiences. It really isn't the end of the world people seem to think it is.

Yes, if she wants it, she will keep it regardless. However, you should be honest. If she loves you, your feelings should be considered. It seems unhealthy that all this secret resentment might be going on.