Longest post ever

This may well be my longest post. I'm going to try to paint a picture of me, in hopes for some understanding and help.

I'm told I'm a good looking guy by some. I'm told I have a bad attitude by some. I know I drive some people absolutely mad with my whining, complaining, pity party throwing self. I also know that it has something to do with those two little words: self esteem.

Childhood-
I dont remember much of my childhood, but a few things do pop into my memory from time to time. I remember (not from first person memories, but memories of third person recountings) that I was attacked by a gang of kids when I was quite young; perhaps 4 or 5. This occured while visiting my grandparents in Houston. The gang held a smoke grenade to my nose and covered my mouth. I dont know how long they did this, but I do know that I came close to dying from smoke inhalations. I dont recall being taken to a hospital or doctor.

I remember: - (once again through pictures and 3rd person recollection) wearing some sort of leg braces as a kid. I dont know what medical condition I had that required me to wear such braces.

- being told by my mother that she beat me with a wooden spoon once and it made her sick (but I remember being beaten with a fly swatter or belt when I misbehaved). I remember always being overweight. I remember my parents enrolling me in a fat camp for kids. I remember being terrible at sports.

- always being the last picked (and reluctantly at that) for teams in P.E. sports. I remember having no friends in school. I remember being the butt of various jokes as a younger kid.

- my brother developing diabetes when I was 11 (he was 12) and from that point forward, i was even more of a nobody around the house. (First born is always more special for some reason). Brother always got extra special treatment from family, extra attention and such.

In high school, I remember being in the school band and being the worst trumpet player there. I remember being called a nerd because I was smarter than most. I remember being called fat, again. I never any real friends (even by high school standards) but just having other nerds that would hang out with me during the recess and lunches. Even my senior year in high school, I was not popular. I didn't go to my high school prom....I doubt I could have gotten a date. At, this point in time, I'd been having secret desires for other guys. But I also desired relationships with girls.

I remember being told my mother that I was the result of a leaky condom. This was not said in a mean way, or to hurt me. It was just a statement of historical fact.

I remember getting better on the trumpet, and becoming first chair in the band. I still thought very little of myself and my abilities, despite this move up in the section from last place.

I remember riding somewhere with my aunt in an old VW diesel pickup truck. She was low on fuel and decided to fuel the truck (it was borrowed from her father). I KNEW for a fact that I had seen a "Diesel only" sticker somewhere on the truck at some point in time....but the sticker was no longer there. Despite my insistance to my aunt that it was a diesel truck, I was ignored and the truck had to undergo costly repairs.

Young adulthood-

My first two years of community college, I was still a nerd and had no real friends. I did however start making aquaintances in the college wind band. After majoring in Electrical Engineering for two years, I decided to change my major to music. It was, afterall, music that was providing me with a small scholarship. So, I went to the community college for another two years and majored in music.

It was during this time that I met my first (and only) girlfriend. That lasted about 6 months, until I moved away to finish my studies in another state. I was 22 when I lost my virginity to that girl.

In my new state, new college, new existance, I was about 250 miles from my home and family, and felt very insecure and alone. I made no real friends my first years there either. I moved from being a big fish in a small pond (musically speaking) to a small fish in a big pond. My trumpeting skills continued to improve, but I still felt I was no good. I made a friend (sort of) in a tuba player named Todd, about my second year at university, and we stayed in contact off and on until he went away for a doctorate in Manchester. He's gone on to bigger things, starting a successful web community for tuba players. As for me, I quit playing trumpet as soon as I finished university.

I meet and hear of people my age now, and even younger, that have gone on to become heads of organizations and generally doing big, important things. I still feel like i've accomplished nothing and am nothing.

Adult life, thus far -

After graduation, I start trying to figure out who I really am. I decide to finally start experimenting with guys. I spent about 6 months "coming out to myself" in a statewide m4m chatroom on AOL. I made some "friends" on there. I had my first experience with a guy when I was 27. I thought he was hot. But, it was just a one time hookup. From that point, I figured I needed more experience. I pretty much accepted that I liked guys. Through AOL, I learned of gay.com. I started chatting on gay.com as well as AOL in the attempts of gaining more experience and finding a boyfriend.

I was overweight then (as I am now) and found that my taste in guys rarely met with my ability to actually find those guys interested in me. Throught the next few years, I managed to meet a dozen guys or so for one time encounters. I had oral sex with some, and sometimes anal sex with some. I was a top. I found the online world of gay.com and AOL to be quite shallow and harsh. I still find that today, although I no longer belong to AOL. The total number of experiences I've had at this point is, perhaps, a dozen oral encounters and 6-8 anal encounters.

One young guy (18) expressed interest in me (he was only the second really big dicked guy, at 8", that i'd met). We met and had sex. It was at this point that I noticed, that despite how hot I thought he was, I was having a problem with my erection. I just had a hard time getting and staying hard for him. He actually stayed in touch with me online after the first encounter. He said he was bi. We met 2 or 3 times again over the next 18 months. At which point, he ended up talking with my roommate at the time and discussing the fact with him, that he no longer desired to see me anymore sexually. He didnt have the nerve to tell me in person...but instead waited until he got back home 2 hours away to tell me online. He was the closest thing to a relationship i've ever had with a guy.


It was after that point that I started finding that I had to pay for sex. Nobody I found attractive would give me the time of day. I can't say how many hundreds of times I heard: "sorry, not my type," "sorry I dont do fat guys," "sorry, I'm not into hairy guys," "sorry, you're too tall, too short, too ______" and the dreaded "cant we just be friends."

The only constant I've found throught my whole experience is I feel unattractive and worthless. I find people dont like to talk to me. People dont stay in contact with me. People dont flirt with me in bars and at parties, on the rare occaisions I go to them. I dont have people walking up giving me their phone numbers. I've been rejected so often, that I also will not flirt with people in person, or give out my phone number.

Here's where it gets confusing to me. I know there are people that find me attractive. But, for the majority of them, not being my type, I discount that they even find me attractive and still feel that nobody wants me. I also know I have run into some mutual attractions with guys that are many states, or even countries away. But again, because no possibility of a relationship of any sort exists (except the usual online nonsense), I immediately put those experiences out of my head as well and feel unattractive and unwanted.

A few less than flattering things I know about myself -

I know I suffer from depression or dysthymia. I suffer from social anxiety and panic attacks. I know that years of rejection and being outcast have left me reluctant to attempt social interaction. I know I am a perfectionist. I know I am a negative thinker, always quick to find why something wont work. I know I can be difficult to talk to because of these issues. I know I'm overweight and hairy: traits that a great many gay men find unattractive. I know i've got money issues. I know I'm a terrible procrastinator and very disorganized.

A few, perhaps, flattering things I know about myself -

I know I'm taller than average. I know I'm very intelligent: more intelligent than most (except in online communities, as this is where smart people tend to hang out). I know I have an incredible wit and sense of humor, although some people dont care for my humor. I know I am very kind and loving. I know I can be (or used to be able to be) a great friend.

This wouldnt fit in the box above - continued



Why am I so miserable? Why do I have no friends? Why cant I get a date? Why do the days just slip past me and I feel like i've accomplished nothing with my life? Why do I struggle just make it through a day sometimes, while all the time appearing normal to everyone else? Why do I keep saying things to people that consider me a friend that makes them not want to be my friend anymore? Why can I not stop the "poor me" stuff that I always resort to here and elsewhere? *note, this behavior is purely an online behavior, and not how I act in life. I'm not saying I dont feel this way in life, but rather I can control it there* Why is it the only reason I havent killled myself, thus far, is my incredible fear of what's on the other side of life?


For taking the time to read this and for your input, thanks you.

*edit*
Although, now upon some reflection, I feel about what I've just asked...
This is a large penis site. I dont have a large penis. Why would anyone even give a fuck what i've written about?

Because, some of us do care. I would suggest you find a counselor that works on a sliding scale. They should only charge what you are able to pay. I have had a long hard fight with self-esteem issues since I was 9 years old. I am tall, skinny, smarter than most guys I know. I can't breathe, my health is bad, and yet there are people that love me for me. I have learned to believe that and not reject them. Maybe, we need to learn to love ourselves.
I was molested over 100 times when I was a teenager by the same man. I couldn't tell anyone about it because my family would have used it to destroy me. They still don't know.
Maybe, you can learn to let people love you. It isn't easy but you are worth it.
I will be 47 years old next month and my dad has hated me since his mother died in 1969. He has done everything he can to get rid of me. I am glad I survived. I am glad I have been able to make some peoples lives better. I am glad that I have learned to not always be down on myself. Bro, you are worth fighting for but you have to take the first step. Take up the trumpet again. You have a great gift and might be able to use it in a community band. As a fellow musician, we tend to be nerds. So what, the majority of people on the earth are nerds. Learn a beautiful song to keep in your heart and play the symphony you were born to live. Maybe you can teach others and help them with their music. Watch Mr Holland's Opus. It was a really great film about how we unknowingly touch other people and influence their lives.
I have not been at my job since July 28th, people everywhere are asking about me and are terribly concerned. All I do is deliver their bills every day and say good day to them.
You may be more important than you realize. Plus, umm well work on healing yourself inside. When we like ourselves, we tend to draw other people to us. My personality has drawn many people beautiful inside and out to me. It wasn't always so tallguy. Stand tall, stand up, pull those shoulders back, work on your health, work on that nice smile you have. in real life, I'd be your friend. Others would too.
Not every guy on here will. remember this site is about pricks.

Tall, I'm your brother. Naivetè, shyness and self-loathing were my youthful characteristics and, much like you, weight, lack of sports talent and amnesia about large chunks of early childhood make us joined at the hip.

BTW, pal. You aren't bad at playing trumpet. You just play improvisational jazz.

See some of the peeps you least expect it, have suffered some of the same. Just because we are attracted to peeps who aren't attracted to us, doesn't make us unattractive to everyone. Geesh I am an old goat and someone here has the hots for me.
Gee I have huge parts of my memory gone. Totally gone. I mean years and years are gone. Sigh.

This is heartrending.
I don't know what to tell you, there are no easy answers.

Hootie's advice is on the right track.
Understanding the problems you have is the first step in solving them.
I know with the panic attacks social interraction is difficult but it is something I think you should attempt more often. The more people you meet the better your chances of meeting those who will appreciate you for who you are.

Don't EVER apologize for who you are.

Tallguypns, in a lot of ways, I have been where you are right at this moment. I am just a little farther down the road of recovery. I have learned that life is a journey not a destination. I watch less tv because it's full of lies about what life is supposed to be. Get help please. I would miss you and your humor if you were gone.

WOW you've got courage! Lotsa people here can identify with what you're saying and I applaude you for speaking out so openly. Keep talking....

i could type a message this long too. many of us could i bet. bottom line.. leave the past in the past. it's old news. it can't be changed. live for today.

list the positives, and ditch the negatives. reach back when people reach out.

chin up bubba. yer cool. rich.

I am going to bed. I had hoped you'd come into chat tallguypns. I have to be up in less than 7. I hope to see you here again tomorrow. :)

BTW if we were all well-adjusted people, would we spend hours every single day talking about the size of our penises? I like you for who I see you as being not what you look like. Press on tallguy people do love you for yourself.

Tallguy I didn't read anything about your spirituality. Do you have any? I am going to mention an author you should read, his name is Wayne Dyer. His teachings have led millions (including myself) to inner peace, because that is what we are talking about. Your ability to be honest with yourself is 10 x 7.5 uncut. I wish you well Tallguy, that was a very touching life story, I am humbled.

Tallguy

I have an older brother who has painful issues somewhat like yours, not necessarily in terms of sexuality (I don't know if he is hetero-, homo- or a-sexual), but certainly in getting close to and maintaining relationships with people. Some of us are made with extra sensitivity that can seem like a burden, in that it's too intense to be really close with others, yet one yearns for it.

Weight issues can be beyond your control if it's your genetic predisposition, or it can be a subconscious choice to have that literal cushion of security that keeps others at a safe distance. There are going to be fewer folks who find you fetching, so that narrows the market. If they knew how brilliant you can be they might be convinced to look past their own prejudices and catch a glimmer of the possibilities you offer. I keep hearing about how so much of the dating and swingles scenes for homosexuals depends on superficiality (hot bodies, good looks, affluence etc) so you need to draw attention to your strengths.

So here's my pitch.

I love your sense of humour and can understand that while its almost too easy for you to whip it up and dish it out as you often do, it actually holds less value for you, and it's perhaps merely a device to hold people's attention. Things that come easily seem to merit less value than something you sweat over and perfect, like sound engineering or trumpet or whatever.

I argue that humour has real value for some (well for me for instance) and laughter is a gift that tickles, brings people together and or can also lacerate and make people refect. That wit of yours is lightning fast and I wonder if you've ever tried standup or improv comedy. Join a workshop and try out. If you're successful at drawing attention to an obvious strength — that might even get you laid.

You're brave to be so candid. I hope you take some encouragement from your fellow posters here. You are appreciated.

Rob

Tallguy:

Just two or three (very different) thoughts:

One very obvious one (even to a straight guy). You haven't included your very handsome looks as one of your 'flattering' things. I don't often look at people's galleries, but a glance at yours — unless the camera is lying very effectively — made it difficult for me to square your self-image with the reality, or least a very important part of it

Second, and this is more by way of conjecture. For straight men who run into women trouble, for instance when women don't seem interested, or the right women don't seem interested, or who suffer rejection; their male friendships are often what keeps them going. I can see that the grey areas between sex and friendship might be much harder to manage for gay men. Might it work better, or at least build you up in confidence, if you put romance on the back burner and just concentrated on making one or two really good friends (and not cyber friends) for a good while? Maybe a common interest of music has to be the key to this for you. Enjoy what you enjoy and pay attention to that and the friendships will happen, would be my guess.

Third, a man who writes what you have written (so honestly and compellingly) has clearly got a lot about him, as we sometimes say over here. Good luck to you.

Tallguy-

That was a very emotional post. Very real and true life as opposed to a lot of what we put on here. I myself have some social issues. I got in a car accident about a year and a half ago; broke my neck, shoulder blades, ribs, and my ear got ripped off and and since has been surgically repaired along with the skin on my neck. I probably have not been "out" in a year. I leave my house of course, but I don't go to bars and such. I mostly spend my evenings here in my room surfing LPSG and playing my guitar. I have become so used to not going out that I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. But I don't care. It doesn't make me a loser that I don't go out, and instead surf the web and play guitar. Some may think that. I don't. I'm not out drinking or snorting coke or doing any other activities that may be harmful to me. I prefer this.

I almost feel like a kid again, which isn't much of a bad thing. When I was young (and happy) I spent my evenings watching TV and reading books and playing games in my house. So I am revisting that in a way. Its peaceful and there is no stress involved. I graduated from college but since then I haven't gotten around to do much since my accident because it beat up my brain pretty bad and I am still healing. But what I try to do everyday is somehow improve myself just a little bit. Especially if your self-esteem is low this can help. Start doing some push-ups. Maybe go for a jog. Get that blood pumping again! Pump that life back into you! I learned a valuable lesson that evening when I was near death. Life is too short to go about feeling sorry for yourself. Pick up the music again. Work out a bit. You will feel better. This will carry on to other areas of your life. It will make you more confident. Give you more opportunities to meet people. Think Lester Burnham in American Beauty. I felt like that, although I'm a bit younger, but it was if I was sleeping walking through life and the accident woke me up. Time to get a move on! Tomorrow is never garunteed make the best of what you can today!

Forget those things you think are negative. You seem to be able to communicate very well judging by your post. Very introspective and well written. I had a girl tell me the other day that I am the best communicator in the world and that it is what seperates me from other guys, not having a decent cock. I can't stress enough working out and eating healthy and the things it will do for you. You will be working towards a GOAL, to better yourself physically and mentally. Get those endorphins movin!

Feeling better about yourself is priceless. Please play your music again. Join a gym. Be dedicated to bettering yourself everyday. Get back to what you love, what makes you happy.

My neighbor and I did an experiment this past summer. We had a series of yard sales in the front of our houses for days on end. People coming home from work on the train or bus and others would always walk by. People seem to be so caught up in their own lives and set rhythms that when we would spark a random conversation with them as they walked by they would be freaked out! Like, " why are these weirdos talking to me!". Startled! But they began to get used to it and you could see the fire light up in their eyes! Yes, human interaction again! It's that easy! Just spark up conversations with no intentions of anything but human interaction and communication. Have some yard sales its a magnet for people! Its good practice to speak with humans.

Sorry I matched your longest post ever by my very own, but I had to jump at the chance to speak of something deeper than large cocks and cuckhold fantasies that I hold on to. Please heed some of this advice, its easier and cheaper than finding a dr. and it can go a long way. Remember, feeling good about yourself is PRICELESS. Its your life, one life to live. Make the most out of it.

And even though we are only cyber-aquaintances you seem cool enough to hang out with. I'm sure more people than you think also believe that, cyber buddies or not.