Longest post ever

Suprised why? Because you think i"m a good looking guy or funny or smart? All the other people that are around me in real life wouldnt have a clue I was going through this either. That doesnt change the fact that I am. Oh, and be careful not to gay out too much. That might be a terrible thing, for someone to think you're gay. lol

Despite my ability to make a friend, a girlfriend, and some one night stands earlier in my life, it doesnt mean that I didnt feel the same way about myself then as I do now.

The Mandella text is inspiring.

my skype id is in my profile.

I never said or even intended to imply I had a crappy past. I merely recounted my experiences. If I had said: "My past was the most wonderful time in my life. I had ever wish fulfilled, and everyone loved me" would it make my problem with depression and my attitude any less of a problem?

And about the common gay experience that you mentioned. What does THAT say about homosexuals? It's ok for everyone to treat everyone crappy because they're gay? Just a thought.

If there's anything i've ever tried to do here, it's be true about myself to the membership. I could fake a personality. I could fake a profile. I could even put fake pictures up and claim i'm 9". What would be the point in that. I came here for support for my own issues with my lack size in a way.

Good Lord!! Once I'm able to get the tears to stop, I may be able to comment on this. I have no sage words of advice. I have too much that I am able to relate to here. However, I can tell you that I think wether percieved as a negative or a positive by outside people, sometimes it is the essence of who we are that makes us beautiful. (Part) of your essence right now is deep pain. My heart aches as I read the feelings you share. What you're feeling about yourself and the things that have happened to you, to get you to the point of telling us how you feel and where you are in your head/soul/heart, in and of itself, has been a blessing, (if you will) to all of us who have been effected & deeply moved by what you've shared.(See? Even pain CAN be beautiful) Because you're making a difference...
For me personally, just to know that there are other people out there that have the thoughts that I have, deal w/ the fears that I deal with, etc. is somehow strangely validating to me. I am amazed and humbled to see that in the most unlikely place, people can be so beautiful and show true concern for someone.
My point being;You have done something for "ME!" You have through agonizing pain, reached out to the only place where you felt as though you may be heard, or at the very least, what do you have to loose sharing it on HERE?(not meaning to offend) I have been through so very much in my 42yrs.(and I DO remember!)that I try and hurdle over every day of my life. I have come so far and yet have been spinning my feet lately. Thank you for being a fellow soul out there, that even in your darkness, was able to make a difference for those of us who have had the privledge of experiancing just an eenth of what you go thru. Realizing that "sorry's," dont help, I won't go there. However, please know that in your pain and ability to share, & the chain reaction that happened w/ everyone stepping up and trying to offer something, my faith is not restored, but it is certainly fluffed up & intact. That alone gives me the air in my lungs that I need to get thru another day,...and I thank you for it 'Bo'

The notion of Transfiguration that is told in countless religious texts is what is in order here. TallGuy, you are not this person that is standing in those shoes you are wearing. You are leasing his body and brain for this lifetime. The person inside is YOU, not the unique creation that was born on September 20th. YOU NEED TO STOP IDENTIFYING YOURSELF WITH YOUR PAST! IT IS LIKE THE WAKE BEHIND THE BOAT, DO NOT LET THE WAKE PROPEL THE BOAT, YOU WILL SINK!!!!!!! You need to develop a cocoon and come out as a butterfly. The butterfly is your sacred self, the caterpillar is the bag of bones and chemicals that make up your physical existence. Leave them behind brother, I beg this of you. This will not be easy, as you will have to recapitulate your negative life experiences, and then throw them all away! This can only be done when YOU ARE READY TO LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY (THIS MUST BE DONE IN ORDER TO ENSURE YOUR SURVIVAL). Take that little boy that is inside of you and hug the shit out of him, stroke his hair and tell him he is beautiful. LOVE YOURSELF TallGuy, we are all pulling for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tallguy--

Well, wait no more. Ever heard of Judy Carter? She is a fine comedian. She has comedy workshops online. http://www.comedyworkshops.com/index.html

She also has some great comedy books on how to do Stand Up: I have a few of her books. One is called: "The Stand Up Comedy Book" and the other one is: "The Comedy Bible". Both are great insightful books on the ins and outs of standup". Check out those books. You can probably get them on Amazon. You can perform stand up comedy anywhere not just in "stand up comedy clubs". You can even incorporate your musical talents into your act.
You can use your own life to create your comedy material.

You know what else? It is never ever too late for a great (childhood) adulthood. Somebody, somewhere has these same doubts about their lives, as well. You aren't alone. You can rewrite your script. You first have to find out what is most important to you. You have to know what it is you want in your life. If you are having difficulties getting what you want...are there any other alternatives that you can live with without sacrificing your self esteem?
What would make you truly happy in your life? Figure out in real life--whether or not if that's feasible? If not, what are some alternatives that you can live with?

If you find yourself complaining a lot, then learn to stop those behaviors that aren't working for you. (Again, rewriting your script...) For every complaint you have, try and find five really good things to be really appreciative about and to be blessed to have.

Exercise every day. Do something get out of the house. Develop some other hobbies and interests. Maybe do redecorating at your place. Getting rid of clutter does a lot as well. Color is everything. Moods can really be affected by color. Ever lived in a basement of a house that was painted in flat forest green? I have. I was never sooo depressed. I had to repaint it a color like the inside of a fresh cut peach or mango color. I also had to repaint my home studio buttercream yellow. Now I can work in there. I am happier.

As far as dating, jobs, or whatever, rejection is one step closer to acceptance. Rejections can be blessings as well.
How I deal with rejection is simply dealing with it. It is all about expectation. Example: We meet a hottie. We expect that he will be the one. When it doesn't happen that way in our expectations. We feel that we are flawed. Flawed in not being able to keep a man. This expectation and perspective are flawed. I used to hate being rejected by guys. Then, I had to reassess my choices in men. I had to create my own get togethers. Sometimes, gay bars aren't the best places to feel comfortable in.

Everybody on this thread has given you some really great advice. I hope that in some way you will find your way back on track in all matters of your life and have it be on your terms. Good luck.

We give a fuck because we care about our friends at LPSG. I distinctly remember lurking around earlier this year reading some of your posts in particular. Your droll sense of humour made me laugh out loud many times and showed me how much fun you and many other posters have on this site and that's why I decided to join. I've perused many other boards where all they do is bitch and moan and while we have our moments here at LPSG, I find it a most welcome place and have developed some surprising and wonderful relationships with other posters. You may have developed a few of your own and you obviously knew you would receive support here. It's one of the things I love about this site. We rant and complain endlessly here, but somehow manage to pull ourselves together to support each other.

It takes great courage to reach out to others and becomes easier only with time and practice. I can't give you answers for your why's but I do know that reaching out and asking for support during difficult moments in life is the most crucial step. Those who support you create the momentum for whatever it is you seek in life. You listed your personal assets so you know you have much to offer, maybe more than you realize. Depression dulls one's self-perception and leaves you with a somewhat skewed image of yourself. Temporary depression is one thing, perpetual depression hampers one's ability to see things clearly. Breaking unwanted patterns and creating new ones are difficult at best and often outside help in whatever form is what can help you kick start your new life.

My only advice is to use every available resource within your grasp. You've already broached us for our services Keep up the momentum and don't stop until you're satisfied. My PM door is always open, Eeyore. Use it whenever you get the urge.

I have tried to be your friend. I am happy that you have let me get even close enough to say hi to me when I enter the chat. I am not here seeking hookups, a lover, or anything huge. I make onlines friends with guys because my body is so badly broken, I can't do much after I do my job.
Get help for the depression. I have to take a supplement 2 times a day everyday to keep things balanced for me. My immune system destroys my seratonin.

Nope, but I bet it would have made it clearer to you that your depression was not "caused" by your past. As it is, what I somehow hope to convey, and without judgment because I have been down similar paths myself, is that the depression seems quite independent of the incidents and is probably a biochemical issue and not an emotional or attitudinal one.

Again, I mean to be only supportive, and part of that is noting that most gay men go through experiences that definitely NOT OKAY and still don't feel as you do. Lots of people have a "good reason" to be depressed and aren't because something about regular chemistry overrides the tendency to hold on to the negativity, even when the causes of it are very real. Most people who are depressed, whether or not they have plausible reasons, find that it is a chemical reason that they feel as they do, and chemical solutions have made for better living for lots of us.

I am not a professional in this area, and I hestitate to attempt to individually diagnose you knowing as little as I do. But I do hope you will consider the possibility that what is wrong can be addressed through medicines rather than trying to change yourself morally, physically, or emotionally.

The big battles about gay rights and social homophobia have to be fought, and respectfully, I have been on the front lines pretty often. I don't think my suggestions about the normalcy of your experience was meant to suggest that it is "okay" in the big scheme of things. Only that what you report as your pain might be usefully addressed in ways that help you, literally, to feel better. At least for me, once I felt better I could approach such social injustice from the perspective of outrage instead of rejection and loss.

These things are so hard to convey on line, but my priority is supporting you and wanting you to find relief. I resist anyone (including you) suggesting that what is wrong can be corrected if you just "act" or "feel" differently. The relentless suggestion that depression is just feeling really bad, and you just need to stop it, or get out more, or analyze your past, or any other quick fix ignores the known reality that it is most often related to brain chemistry. I see many signs of your wanting to hold yourself responsible for things that I don't think you are, that's all.

I hope you are able to get the help that lightens the depression and helps you feel better. From my perspective, that is most likely going to come from an MD.

My best to you.

You need to learn to love yourself before you can love another. Getting involved in a romantic relationship isn't going to fix things. Until we love ourselves and can freely love others, we are a drain on the relationship. I'd suggest you work on your life and being happy with yourself before you try and find a lover. Plus, well I don't put much stock in online romances. I know some that have married that way but it's too much like a mail order bride. Maybe, some day you can give people like me a chance to be your friend.

Forgive me if I'm obtuse, but this just looks like an online advertisement for comedy workshops offered in the L.A. area.

I'm not denying anyone the chance to be my friend.