Had enough of everything

First off please don't feel the need to respond to this. I've had enough, I'm in tears and just need to let it all out.

Forgetting all the usual crap you go through as a child I've had a shit life and its showing no signs of getting better.

Aged 12 I was repeatedly raped by a boy a little older than me, I told a teacher I felt very close to who did nothing, my parents didn't even notice anything was wrong and refused to listen to anything I had to say, it went on for four months and ended when he went to live with his father over the summer.

Went off the rails after that and at 15 was hanging around with the wrong people and spent a lot of time in the house of a friend who was seeing a guy in his forties (she was 16). New years eve I get my drink spiked with god only knows what, wake up new years day bleeding in several places and not understanding what happened until I come downstairs and hear this guys mates (also in their late 30's early 40's) laughing and joking about what they'd done to me that night. I ran out of the house, got myself checked out and cleaned up and went home. No point telling anyone, its not like they'd have listened. I was scared and its how I felt at the time, I know I should have done something about it now, but at the time I just wanted to forget it all.

Went to college when I left school, met a guy with all the same interests, parents hated him and forbid me from seeing him. I ran away from home and moved in with him. My parents wanted nothing to do with me, it was 3 weeks before my 17th birthday. I was with him for a year. Was beaten, locked in rooms, got pregnant and didn't even know (everything carried on as normal) and found out when I was around 5 months. I saw no one by myself for that year, and when ever I did see people I'd have to wear thick jumpers and jeans to hide the bruising. Every day a new reason to beat me, and more often than not I'd end up unconcious on the floor. He got angry about sex even though he got everything he wanted, he'd take what he wanted no matter how much I begged him not to. I told him I was bi-sexual, he used to force me to watch some quite horrific (and clearly not very legal) lesbian porn, I thought telling him might earn me some kind of time off from the abuse, instead he lost it totally, calling me a freak and disgusting, that night I got one of the worst beatings from him, it ended with being tied up whilst he cut the badness out of me (I'm sure you understand without full description what that involved). When my son was 5 weeks he held a knief to his throat, then when I was scared enough, he smiled and left locking the doors behind him, I smashed an upstairs window, jumped down and jammed the lock so he couldn't get in, people came, got us out, no charges stuck.
He now has regular contact with my son.

Now I just managed to stay sane after all that, met my husband, got married had twins and got on with things. Made a great friend online who visited us several times, until April where he confessed his love for me, I rejected him and he forced himself on me. My husband came back from the shops, I told him everything and he took care of things for me.

I've since come out to my family and told them everything, my father cried, my mother wont even look at me.

My sister has twisted everything thats ever happened, called social services with claims of child neglect and abuse (none of which is actually true and SS know this, but they are still visiting because "we have to be seen to be taking things seriously") my family disowned me a few nights ago, wishing my children cancer in the process.

My husband lost his job because of illness and now the benefits agencies are messing around with our money, we should have been getting payments starting last week, still nothing and we've just been told they didn't send copies of our ID for processing which is now deleted off their systems, so we have to go down there, go through it all again and wait another 3-4 weeks to get the money whilst having £40 to our names and 3 kids to provide for (our electric is also on a meter and only has £5 left) we can't get a crisis loan because atm thanks to their imcompetance we don't qualify as we aren't recieving benefits.

It's not like we brought the financial situation on ourselfs, we were doing fine until we had to pay £400 a month in solicitors fees to try and keep my ex away from my son, and we've both applied for at least 5 jobs eachevery day since my husband lost his job.

Anyway, I've had enough and I'm not sure how much more I can put up with.

Sorry for this, I'm sure I'm going to regret typing this, but I needed to get it out of my system.

K, if anyone has a right to vent and cry, it's you. Wish I had some advice -- I don't -- but for what it's worth, I do sympathize with you and send you hugs. No one should have to suffer what you have gone/are going through. In another thread I told you I was amazed at how you managed to maintain your sense of humor in the face of the indignities you endured. Hope it's still intact. Eventually things will improve out of the law of averages. Hang in there. John

I second Col. John's sentiment. Your thread was very touching. I too send you and your husband big hugs. I am pulling for you Kotchanski. The universe must have a break instore for you... you'll be in my prayers. Bless You!

I echo everything that John has said and I really don't know what I can add.

I think the fact that there are few responses to your post is because people don't know what to say to you and not that they do not care. I am sure they all do.

Feel free to PM me anytime Kotchanski. I don't know you very well but I do care that you feel like this.

COME ON LPSGers throw in some words of support and encouragement for Kotchanski.

You are an amazingly strong woman to have survived what you have. Please take some comfort in the knowledge that you are loved by your husband and children, as well as those of us here.

A break is bound to come.
Stay strong.

Kotchanski,

I offer a few heartfelt words.

Mainly, I echo the statements above. To have lived through the situation of Rape, not once but MANY times, as well as living with an abusive companion, just goes to show how strong of an individual you are. Many could not have managed to survive after that. Those that did make it, would have been antisocial, afraid of living and possibly very depressed/suicidal.

I commend your ability to continue to move on, being strong along the way. I do wish you the best and hope that the rest of your life is full of nothing but kindness and the deepest well of kindness and respect from your husband and children.

Continue to be a trooper as things will work out. Your children are very lucky to have such a Strong woman as their mother.

The fact you can write like that and get your pain across alone says you can survive anything. You have a superb mind - mature beyond your years - and you know how to emote. I'm utterly and completely impressed with you as you should be with yourself.

And I don't give out praise easily.

Brava my love.

Hold on......... it's always darkest before the dawn.

You know where my pm box is and I'd encourage you to avail yourself of it.
You're one of the more depthful and insightful posters on this board in spite of your tender years.

The openness of the members of this board has always been an inspiration to me. By sharing the things that touch us deeply, we can all come together and really put the SUPPORT in LPSG.

I know, Kotchanski, that is was not easy to share such painful information here. I hope you find, as I and others have, that there are many here who will reach out and offer whatever encouragement they can. I am proud of you for standing there so transparently so that we all many become more understanding and empathic people.

Thank you for sharing that.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, encouragement and support, both here and in PM. Throughout my short life I've never had anything like this, I guess those close to me found it easier to blame and hate me for all that happened, meant they didn't have to blame themselves for anything, not that I'd blame anyone for any of it.

I find all this very emotional, I'm not used to be around such kind and understanding people.

Again, thank you, for the first time in a long time the tears have been of joy (of a kind).

As much as what has happened has hurt and I'm sure screwed me up, in a way I'm glad to have lived my life, it made me who I am, and most of the time, I'm happy with who I am.

And for those who told me not to change, I'm never changing, its taken me 10 years to learn to laugh at things again, and I'm not giving that up.

Despite everything you obviously still have a very positive outlook. That alone shows your strength of character.

Hats off to you Babe x

It sounds like the roughest patch among many. But you've made it through all the others, and we know you'll make it through this one.

Kotchanski - I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like you to keep us posted. Are you feeling any better? Any progress making your way through the benefits bureaucracy?

This too shall pass -- stay strong like you always have, and you'll find yourself on the other side of the storm.

Well no changes to the positive with the benefits, they've just stopped my tax credits because my renewal form didn't arrive back with them (thank you royal mail) but I had a lovely chat with them and that should be sorted in the morning.

I'm feeling a lot more positive, and have you all to thank for that. My husband is great but he finds it hard with being so close to me, he just doesn't know what to say or do at times.

Heard nothing from my family for days, which should be bringing me down, but tbh, I'm finding it quite refreshing, it hurts seeing them laughing and joking like they've done nothing, but at the same time at least they aren't causing me any more problems and I'm getting some peace.

I have my stitches removed in the morning and can stop taking those horrible tablets they gave me, so just have the test results to wait for, but no use worrying, its not like I can change the results.

Best news of all, the social worker called me from home a few hours ago to tell me that she's really pleased with how we've dealt with all their involvement and apart from a check up for the kids at the hospital and a final inspection at home (without appointment) to keep the bosses happy, they are more than satisfied that if was all melicious and we're doing great.

I never expected such a response from you all, thank you so much, you'll never appreciate just how much good your kind words have done.

So in short, as long as they sort the money before we run out of electric and food, I think everything is going to be ok

We're called a support group for a reason, baby. Don't let anybody's negative words bring you down. I don't think you could get brought any further down anyway.

You're a strong woman. You're still going. You will live on and you're gonna do great things for your children. Do everything you can for them and yourself, despite any boundaries in your way. Have no shame in whatever endeavors you must take in order to keep you and your's safe and sane.

You're applying for five jobs a day? Apply for ten. Go for twenty. And every place you try, call back and demand an interview. If you want, darling, I'll even write you up a snazzy resume if you send me your information. I'm fabulous at resumes and I've had several friends pay me to write their's.

If you can't get help from there, try unemployment, try any options the state can give you. Have no shame in what you need to do to keep your family afloat.

All that shit that happened in your past...fucking let it go. It's dragging you down and it's dragging your family down. Fuck it. Fuck your parents. Think about who's in your life right now and who matters. Be self sufficient at all costs.

An update for those who PM'd asking for one...

Parents and sister are complete assholes, I'm better off without them, just wish they'd disowned me sooner

Im back in full health with a little scarring but I'm sure that will go in time. As for my financial situation, well the benefits agency are still being idiots, latest excuse for not paying is that someone else is claiming using my husbands NI number, some woman called called sarah or something.

I've now got 26 days left to get out of my house (thank you judge for being so understanding lol) but on the plus side (you just knew one was coming didn't ya?) I've just found a 3 bedroom flat, 2 double rooms and a single for my little girl, its right near family that I've not seen properly for years, and a great area for getting work. Its not too expensive either given the area, we were very lucky My mother in-law has managed to get help with removal vans and friends to drive them, and an undisclosed family friend is kindly paying the deposit and first months rent to get us back on our feet.

So with all that and the kind help from friends I didn't actually know I had bailing us out when things got very tough, we're finally getting our lives in order and out of this crap once and for all.

Thank you again for everything, I won't be here in a few days for a week or so until they sort out my interenet connection, because I'M MOVING (sorry, I'm so happy right now you couldn't believe it)