On Cheating

Listening to Rihanna's Unfaithful got me thinking about cheating.

I've been in two relationships and have never been cheated on as far as I know; but then again, my ex who thought very little about lying to my face admitted to having had a crush on someone else when we started dating (but claimed that he never did anything about it), so I really don't know about that. But I do know that my husband is faithful to me, just like I am to him.

I guess my question here is what do the men and women here think about cheating?

I remember this one conversation at another board, where several members claimed that women are more likely to forgive than men, because women are, in general, more insecure and think that if they leave their man they will never find anyone else (ie. they think that it's better to tolerate a cheating spouse than to be alone). Also, that men are likely not to forgive if their pride has been slighted.

And let's not forget the old assumption about feelings vs. sex - women feel more threatened if their man has feelings for another woman, whereas men are most offended if their woman goes to bed with someone else. (That's very hetero-centric theory, btw)

Any thoughts, dear fellow LPSGers?

(and no, this thread is not about what is cheating and what is not; that would depend on the couple in question, wouldn't it?)

I can't remember the survey as it was a couple of years ago. But it suggested that 60% of men and 40% of women will "cheat" in a relationship. An interesting distinction was that the men tended to have the business trip office party one nighter whereas the women tended more to the affair.

I also remember somewhere seeing a report that about a third of women have what was being called the unfaithful gene - so making cheating genetic.

I just throw these snippets into the pot for discussion without prejudice.

Personally I think that enforced monogamy is a moral imperative rather than a natural one. This makes it very difficult for some people to conform to an imposed cultural morality. This changes with age, and in my own experience circumstance and partner.

In many countries outside the US's puritanical morality, it is quite normal for men and women to have affairs, mistresses beaus etc.

One person's cheating is another's search for fulfillment (or just happiness). I wouldn't universally judge these things, but no doubt many will.

Its easy for me to say I don't cheat, I have a semi-open marriage so cheating wouldn't be as simple as sleeping with someone other than my husband, but I've not cheated in previous relationships either.

I've been cheated on by men and women and with one exception, have never forgiven or taken them back. The one exception was a woman I was seeing several years ago, she'd (until then) not been with a man and got curious, I was hurt that she'd not spoken to me first, but understood.

I don't think women are more forgiving, they may take them back but rarely forgive and never forget. It knocks the confidence of both men and women and throws all kinds of questions into a relationship.

To me, it's not the sex part on cheating that it's the worst; it's the betrayal of trust and the dishonesty that bug me the most. In my opinion it shouldn't require abusing someone else's trust to find one's happiness.

As for an imposed cultural morality; if a couple has agreed on monogamy, I don't think either of the partners has any business going behind their spouse's back. I don't think anything justifies betraying another person. Of course, if the people involved agree that sleeping. or getting otherwise involved with others is fine, then there's no use of speaking about cheating, yeah?

For this particular group, lpsg, I think the more interesting topic related to this is: how often do people cheat on their b/f because they find a guy who's much bigger? Or, how many big guys have been cheated on with someone smaller, and did it make you feel your size wasn't as much of a bonus as you thought it should be? Or other feelings...

Well I just think that people commit to a "relationship" before they know the other person let alone themselves. You may say that they should end the relationship and perhaps that is why the divorce rate is 50% amongst more newly weds and why perhaps about 50% of people seem to be cheating.

It doesn't matter what you say or agree to if you don't understand what it will mean for you.

I am interested in what those who are not exclusively oriented do with that side of their nature which is not going to be satisfied by a partner. Do partners accept that the 30% gay or straight for example needs to be satisfied? and if so why not the 30% that may not be monogamous. What's the difference?

I heard that song, even read the lyrics, wtf is she waiting for, she needs to pack her shit up and get the fuck out already. It never should've gotten that far. The part about killing him, put a gun to his head, what kind of sense does that make, she's broken/defective not him. Starting the song off with "searching for the right and that it avoids her" ? Right and wrong is a conscientious decision from a position of accountability and responsibility in being empowered to control the destiny of that aspect of a relationship, not something you happen upon as a matter of good fortune/luck. Outside of putting up with it, that's the only flaw I see in his character. There needs to be a timetable set, win or lose for her, but she needs to be outted. I'm sure she can stay with her mother until things get "right" for her.

I mentioned this song in another thread and I still hate it.
I want to tell her that she's not nearly so important that any one will kill themselves because of her, and that if she doesn't want to be unfaithful she should keep her knickers on.

As to the question posed in the original post, I think that cheating is selfish.
It is first, last and always a ME!, ME!, ME! motivated act. I think humans are the ultimate in agressive self interest and that's why cheating is such a phenomenon for us.

"I just needed to scratch an itch."
"I was just so lonely when you were away."
"I just did it to punish my partner."

It's never about anyone other than the person doing it, regardless of rationalizations.

"Illusions" by Richard Bach contains a particular quote I think could be applied here.

"Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully."

This looks like an interesting read.

http://womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

I didn't like it when my wife cheated and after all these years it still bothers me on occasion, not that she is showing signs of cheating or anything like that, it is just that reminders can bring back insecurities. I can rationalize why she did it, I don't think that she even really knows, but it probably relates to her family issues.

I have been tempted but I couldn't justify the deed. A couple of years after we were married I asked a friend to please say no to my next question, which was to ask if she would sleep with me, because I felt compelled to ask the question. I had never really been on a "date" before marrying and had always been shy around girls and women, and only had sex once with one other girl before marriage, and my wife had 4 men before she met me, so for one reason or another I felt I had missed out on the number of sex partners. We can sure mind-fuck ourselves, even if we aren't getting action anywhere else.

I think there outta be a law, no one can get married until they are at least 25. By then you've sown some oats and been around the block and know a little more of what you need and want in a partner.
I think this lowers the chance that you will be unhappy and see someone else outside the marriage looking for forfillment you think~ you don't have.

I think have a partnership is a natural thing. I also think humans have taken sexual pleasure to much higher levels than any other animal on earth snd so, we always seem to want more, or better, or variety.

I don't think that we were meant to be mated for 60 years or more. The life span has something to do with , I think, because we are all living much longer.

As for cheating itself... I taught my boys to always respect the one they're with, and if they do, then they will certainly end the relationship rather than hurt and embarass the person by cheating on them.

As for cheating itself. .. kicked to the curb... no hesitation.... no letting him back.