Something Unique

When I was 11 my mom and I went into the furniture store for her to make a payment. I saw the coolest-looking ballpoint pen on the counter and just had to have that stupid thing. While the furniture guy and mom were busy with the receipt or something I sneaked the pen into my pocket and said to myself what a clever boy you are.

By the time we got home, however, my conscience was bothering me. I would secretively take the pen from my pocket (couldn't let anybody see it or they'd want to know where I got it) but I couldn't bring myself to use it. It was stolen, after all. That night I didn't sleep well. I couldn't stop thinking about what a terrible human being I had become and how the furniture guy probably had to sell another chair or something so he could afford to buy another pen.

On the way to school the next morning I stopped at the store and knocked on the still-locked door. The furniture guy recognized me and opened the door with a big grin on his face. Man, did I feel like a skunk. I handed him the pen and apologized. His big grin turned to his famous jolly-old-St. Nick ho-ho-ho.

It seems he had seen me take the pen but he didn't say anything because he gave all his customers a new pen when they made a payment on their account. He had given mom one but when he saw me pick up the freebie on the counter he just assumed I knew what was up.

And here I had nearly pissed my pants when I had told him what I did. Can you go to hell for stealing something that's free anyway?

No, because if something is free, then technically it isn't stealing. And as long as you felt bad about it, I'm sure the big G saw where your heart was.

Now as far as all of the kitten juggling you've been doing...

For some reason this almost mirrors one of my worst theft moment (one of many) in which I was with my elderly Aunt in a store near Albany. Unfortunately I got caught and it was not a freebie pen. She first told the shopkeeper that there was no way I would have done it and then when it was found out I had she was confused. Stealing just wasn't something she would ever do. For me stealing was my first feeling of exhilaration which was enough to get me away from me. Thank the lucky stars I eventually found booze--and a vast array of pain killers. After that stealing incident I was sent to yet another relative who fortunately left the door open for me to run away--which is where and when things really got interesting.


Tell you what Pecker--when I get to Hell (and I will definitely be going there with my record), I'll try to send you an all clear or a message that you'll soon be welcome and my new neighbor with regards to your theft of a free item--your intent is what could get you a roasting pan near me.



Other fun moments were destroying a neighbor kids bicycle when I was 12, mixing various components of things in the medicine chest in my father's drinking glass (and not washing it out after pouring out the weird concoctions), putting lots of salt in my brother's juice and watching him gag on it, adding a bottle of tabasco sauce to a sister-in-laws homemade tomato sauce (I never cared much for Gail and her la di da attitude so I decided on revenge).

I have done things of the sexual nature to various pieces of office equipment (phones, adding machines, ejaculating into desk drawers of bosses), a few times years back while working alone on a weekend I would don another workers uniform trousers, never wearing underwear and--well you get the idea.


For me the list of infractions and strange behavioral actions is nearly endless.

To have or to hold?

I eviscerated myself running through a sliding glass door when I was seventeen. Apparently I survived.

ME TOO!!! except i wasn't seventeen and altogether it wasn't that ............ severe


my grandparents had to but an big 'T' in front of the sliding door.

No, Shelby, you didn't survive. This is the afterlife !!

bwa ha ha !!

I feel like a cookie cutter person after reading this thread.

I used to be an optician before I changed careers...

Shortly before I gave it up I dealt with a little girl called "Loreal"... When I asked the mum how she came up with the name she said:

"She was a very difficult labour... but she was worth it!"

The "Amoebas" sound like "Asteroidal Hyelites" which would be inside your eyes floating in the viscous fluid (Vitreous Humour) which keeps your eyes in shape (Shakespeare's "Exquisite Jelly"). Sometimes called "floaters", most people have at least a couple, but alot of people never notice them. They never go away, but they can go out of your field of view. They are empty, broken capillary blood vessels from the interior of the sclera and the retina, caused by birth trauma, head injuries or illness. People who have them will usually see them in bright light conditions, when looking at the sky, or at a white surface.

The twitch is probably just an antsy nerve, usually brought on by stress or fatigue, again quite common and nothing to worry about.

As a preschooler I was once chased by a mad rooster.

the sound of one hand clapping

literally a stupid human trick:

I can audibly clap with only one hand, by folding my fingers like a hinge,
rapidly slapping closed against my palm




my wife is Zen Buddhist and finds this hilarious and strange

Yes, because the sin is in your purpose, not in the end result. But, since you were sorry, you won't go to hell

As to the original subject: Every year, sometime between the week before and the week after my birthday, some random event happens that should result in my death. I've had my scalp sheared by a garage door falling on it, been dragged by a tornado, chased by a fireball, nearly run down by a late bus, it runs the gamut.

As far as someting dirty... I have a fur & frottage fetish.

My full name comes across as faintly implausible in English, and the last time I passed through Los Angeles International, those friendly Homeland Security guys made me provide additional documentation to prove that I wasn't attempting to travel under an assumed name or a stage name.

This one time when I was 33, I posted a unique statement to a forum to increase my post count.