To Wipe or not to Wipe... (_o_)

I thought it was kind of sexy, actually.

Anyone who would be friends with me after I haven't wiped for a week is someone I don't want as my friend.

This is true. If you maintain a healthy diet, your body's natural functions do a very good job of taking care of things. Without getting too graphic, not only would you tend to eliminate waste in a timely manner, but also it would be fairly uniform in appearance/solidity. However, a lot of our food is overly processed and that really can gum up the works, so to speak. I'm kinda a hygiene freak, so I am fastidious about keeping clean, but my mom's a nutritionist so I had a good start in learning about food and our bodies.

Well Sorcerer, if the mere mention of the word haemorrhoid is TMI, then you will definitely not want to read the following. But I share it, because it's top of mind in the last week, and it's kind of tangentially relevant to the topic.

It seems that when you're tested for bowel cancer, you can't be squeamish talking about shit.

I went for a full physical last week at a fancy-schmantzy executive health clinic, at my employer's insistence. The doc took one look at me and read the riot act. Lose weight. Stop drinking. Get exercise (even though I aced the treadmill test).

The grand finale was the gloved finger up the wazoo. When that checked out OK, she turned to me and apologised, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but we won't be able to do your colonoscopy today." Does she assume that all gay men are just hanging out for something new up their asses? Gee, I was so looking forward to it...

"You said in your questionnaire that you have a problem with snoring," she continued. "The muscle relaxant we use to relax your bowel can also have an effect on the muscles of the throat. If you suffer from sleep apnea, the procedure needs to be performed at a hospital that's equipped to intervene in case of asphyxiation." Apparently, there's the same risk if portly gentlemen use too many poppers.

"I noticed your haemorrhoids, so my suspicion is that you don't get enough fibre in your diet. So the test is quite urgent. Here," she said, handing me a packet, "we'll need a stool sample. Please mail it to me next week. "

Am I the only one to feel a little, uh, uncomfortable with that? If you have delicate sensibilities, you might like to STOP READING RIGHT HERE.

The packet was a kit that contained everything I would need for an "occult blood" test--a cardboard "specimen slide", several sheets of waxed paper and a brace of popsicle sticks. They asked that I spread the waxed paper on top of the water in the toilet, "deposit the sample" on it, and before I flushed the whole lot away, use a popsicle stick to smear a thin layer of fecal matter on the cardboard slide, "taking samples from several parts of the stool". The instructions said to allow this to dry in the open air (!) and repeat for the next two days. When done, I was to seal it in the special "biohazard" envelope and mail it to my doctor.

I dutifully collected the samples. When the time came to mail the envelope, I began to do what I usually do with personal mail, that is, get my secretary to post it for me. But I simply couldn't; even though it was sealed in accordance with the USPS guidelines for this sort of thing, and she would never know the contents, the idea of this poor woman handling someting that contained my shit was too much. I mailed it at the post office, and hope desperately that the package is handled by machine for its entire journey.

Dunno, to me this experience makes the preceding discussion about toilet paper seem almost genteel. And though I consider myself a pretty easy going guy, I was quite uptight about this whole episode. Needless to say, I have not yet made an appointment for the colonoscopy.

Anyone else had this experience? I guess I've reached the age where these sorts of tests will become routine. Oh, well...

GO and get the Colonoscopy.

Your health is way too important.

She is a Doctor. They see this stuff ALL the time.

Its not like she opens the envelope and says "EWW TOM SENT ME SHIT"

It goes to a lab, the Lab Writes a report, and your Doctor sees the results.

Ive got IBS, and may have to have this procedure done.
Im not ashamed, or Afraid. Id rather know whats goin on up there, than worry about the aches and pains, and fear the unknown.

C

Hello people,
since this is an issue i feel extremely strongly about i had to post something...

i have been born and raised using a bidet (pronounced bee-de) this is highly unusual in greece as almost eveyone uses toilet paper. interestingly enough.. the whole washing your bum thing proreply, originates from the middle east!

anyhow, i personaly think that using a dry piece of paper to clean shit out of your bum, is one of the most horribly mainstream disgusting activities ever! ok, granted some times it works since there is nothing to clean, but 40% of the time, you NEED to CLEAN down there! USING WATEERR!

i mean.. imagine you eat something and you get all juiced up around your mouth.. wouldnt you use some water to clean up?? and we are talking about things that you eat here!!!

Rikter,

Of course I'll have the colonoscopy.

As a matter of principle, I don't behave any differently with female doctors--though I prefer males. After all, it's a professional relationship.

That's why I was so surprised at the strength of my own reactions.

IBS? Bummer, man.

HB8