The Complexities of Love

Labels with stigma's scare people. Try not to insist on defining people who are resistant to it, and or unsure of a labels meaning. When they figure out what they are, they'll tell you.

Dee,

Fascinating and difficult subjects you raise.

Imagine, if you will, that you’re a straight man. Blondes are your type, but you also have a thing for redheads. Should your blonde wife understand the need for a redhead on the side?

Unless you’re in a terribly open relationship, most wives probably wouldn’t. Sexual release is a deep-seated human need, sexual variety is something you add as bonus.

But such an attitude would trivialise those who find satisfaction in mixed orientation relationships. I suspect these are more about satisfying the need different kinds of intimacy in different ways. Kink Guy said that his mixed orientation buddy got "M2M emotional support" from his boyfriend, and Lex has mentioned that the intimacy he shares with his male partner is different from that with his wife. These kind of emotional bonds are noble, and to be respected. I believe that it takles a big heart, generous spirit, and huge zest for life to mainain a mixed orientation relationship. I wish I had half the zest for life that Lex shows!

That said, bisexual or monosexual, if you've made the commitment to be faithful for whatever reason, then your fidelity needs conscious maintenance. As Sorcerer said, one day at a time. JUST SAY NO to the casual blowjob! (Well, maybe a small blowjob wouldn't hurt...)

Dee, it sounds like your grad-student pal has a different issue, though. Pecker alluded to it. He's not a bisexual struggling with fidelity; he's a gay man struggling with intimacy. He'll have sex with a man but not kiss? Uh-huh. Drowning in that river in Egypt, IMHO.

To be clear, my M.O.M. is exhausting work. Utterly Exhausting. I have days when I wish I DID have a strong preference one way or the other for it would certainly make some of this path I travel a tad easier.

As for me, I don't know if it is as much zest as it is an looming fear of failure which is unacceptable (to me) in any form, even though I fail all the time. It's all rather complicated--to be a perfectionsit, anxious, control freak who finds himself in a huge life situation over which he has very little control. But, I digress...

Let me clarify the "differences" in intimacy that you noted. It is not that I feel either closer to my wife of BF. It feel extremely close to both of them, given that I have known my wife for the better part of 15 years, our closeness is deeper.

What IS different it the role *I* get to take with either of them. With my wife, I am the 'care taker/rock/shoulder/holder" 90% of the time. I provide her with the comfort and safety of strong arms, a warm chest and a tight hug. With my BF, I get to take my wife's role and be held close in arms bigger and stronger than mine, taken care of, made to feel secure, etc.

It is not that my wife can't give me what he can or vice versa. I take both roles with both from time to time albeit disproportiinately. The physical aspects--kissing, etc,. are the same--it's more the psychological comforts that come from the different roles assumed that make them "different." I hope this adds some claification...

Dee,
This issue...one's psychsocial and psychosexual evolution is difficult to discuss; especially with anyone in some sort of existential crisis.
When I was in my late 20's I sought counseling during a difficult time in my marriage. I was lucky because I was in medical school and help was readily available. The hurdle that I had to clear was my discomfort seeking help.
Anyway, in the midst of sorting out my marital issues I eventually discovered that my sexuality was much less sorted out than I realized. I also realized that my marriage was the wrong place for both of us to be. This were very troubling (dramatic understatement) realizations. Naturally if they hadn't been troubling I wouldn't have supressed them.
I think that this is a very common problem in the late teens to early 30's. The rate at which awareness evolves varies greatly from person to person. Some folks never get over their hurdles and in my view there is a great price paid for this.
That was the preamble to this: it is impossible to get someone to ""see" something until they are ready. Denial exists for a reason. Often it is important to be patient. Slapping someone in the face with insight may work for some, but it will drive others away into deeper denial.
Believe me, I have made that mistake.
Something you said about finding love resonated with me immediately. I think that this quest, the quest for love and intimacy, drives us throughout life. My therapist, who happened to be trained as an adolescent psychiatrist, had something simple and profound to say about this that I think is worth repeating. "When self-actualization occurs you will have the insight to recognize love when you encounter it and the wisdom to accept love where you find it."
Now that is some heavy shit dude..........

Heh. I guess your therapist is fond of the Serenity Prayer, but still, it's a damn good way of describing it. To some developmentalists, that's clearly the goal -- to be able to just take and accept love wherever it comes without overanalyzing it. That implies the courage and the conviction necessary to say "fuck it" to some of the more down-dragging society labels and to just accept how you feel as being something worthwhile in and of itself. The Serenity Prayer, after all, is more geared to the individual's relationship with God, not what other people approve of or believe in.

I'm pretty bi. I love fucking guys/girls (and getting fucked by them). I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, though the girlfriends always lasted a bit longer. I guess I can side with the idea that guys are better for sex, girls for relationships, but overall it's just that I never felt the need to cut myself off from anything. I gravitate to whatever I'm feeling that day.

When I have been in a relationship, I never had a problem being monogamous, whatever the gender. The most in love I've been was in college with my girlfriend. We were perfect together, but she was also a strong encourager of having threesomes. So, who's to say?

Being a staunch atheist, god doesn't enter my equation.