Son's Curiousity

Haven't seen this come up on the boards, but wondering if anyone has had a similar problem, and how you may have dealt with it.

My son is 13, turning 14 in a few weeks. We shower together after swimming at the gym, and on weekends when we go out on my father-in-law's sailboat (the bathroom at the marina has a small group shower). Over the last few months, I've caught my son staring at my equipment in the shower. After the first couple of times, I explained to him that it's not polite, and asked him if he had questions or wanted to talk about anything, but he clammed up. It stopped for a couple of weeks, but then started up again. I haven't noticed this behavior with any other adults in the shower, so I'm thinking it may be because of my size.

At this point I'm thinking I will stop showering with him, but I will still have a couple of concerns - first, that is only addressing the short-term issue and doesn't get him to open up about why he's staring; and second, I'm hesitant to send him in the showers at the marina alone, because you never know who may be lurking. I might be paranoid about the second concern, but I know that won't leave my mind.

Has anyone else encountered a similar situation? Is there a better way for me to approach this, other than how I've tried? Thanks.

you said you will stop showering...

As the father of 3 sons- don't stop- imho, that sends the wrong message... Curiousity is normal- you said your son is 13/14- curiousity at that age is natural- esp with body changes kicking in. I suspect he wants to know what he will be 'like' when he grows up.

You mentioned you are 'large', does he show signs?

Have you had 'the talk' yet about sex and how to be repsonsible? Might be a good time, and an excuse to explore his feelings/thoughts...

just my .02

I agree with the above post, with an addition: do whatever you can to make your son feel comfortable discussing these issues with you.

Perhaps begin a conversation with him, away from the shower, somewhere the two of you can talk privately. Go for a long drive, or for a game of golf, or anything where the two of you can spend some quality, private "father/son" time. Perhaps start with something like "I noticed you looking. Curiosity is normal, especially when you are going through some changes yourself. I don't want you to feel embarrassed, and I hope you can trust me enough to talk to me about these things, because there are lots of very important things you will need to know in the next couple of years, and I want you to hear them from me, not from your friends or from a book."

If he notices anything but complete confidence from you about the subjects of sex and puberty, he will not want to talk to you. If he sees that you are comfortable and confident, he will pick some of that up from you. Best of luck... from your post, you seem to be halfway there already.

I agree with DC Deep. My father never did this with me and I had to discover a lot on my own. That led to a lot of confusion and insecurities resulting in a lack of confidence. I have overcome that now, but it would have been a whole lot easier if my pops had dispelled a lot of the false perceptions when I was younger.

If I were you, I would ask him "why are you staring at me" while he's staring at you. Do it that moment, and if he clams up, then ask him that moment ( not later) "why are you so quiet". Situations like this should be dealt with "in the moment" and not later on, when he's able to deny it or perhaps feel more embarresed by it.

I don't see you as paranoid at all. I would be protective and worried that someone may take advantage of his staring too!

Your boy is simply curious about the possibility that he's going to have what his dad's got, wondering how big it'll get when it's hard, if it's going to present problems and he's seen other men have a look at it, too.

What's the harm, really, Sean O.? Would you have him stare at someone else instead? In your frequent man-to-man talks with him discuss locker-room etiquette.

Whatever you do, don't make him feel uncomfortable about showering with other males, including yourself.

AlleyBlue, the reason I suggested waiting was so that they would not be in a public place. The boy may not be OK with discussing those things when there is the possibility of strangers overhearing the conversation. I still think dad should say "maybe we can talk about this later." Forcing the issue in a public shower is not the best idea.

be a good dad and talk to your son about his body and your body and girls body. spend some good father-son time and have the talk.

There's your good advice, Sean O.

Yeah, it's definitely time for "the talk" somewhere alone where there is privacy and openness. You'll have to really go down a mental checklist
so you'll cover everything. But yes, one of the first things you definitely
want to talk about is lockerroom/public restroom ETIQUETTE. At his age,
to stare in a lockerroom among his peers would not be a good thing.

On your second point, you'll have to trust him AFTER you've had the talk
to quickly shower and get on with business at the shower in the
marina, to use with caution. You can't be there holding his hand forever,
you have to let go sometime.

Hope this helps.

It's ALL good advice, IMO. Talk now or talk later. Be supportive and don't make a big deal out of it. Life's too short.

I think that you stifled his natural curiosity when you told your son that it was not polite to stare at your penis in the shower. Your admonition seems to reflect YOUR discomfort with the situation. This sends the message that curiosity or sex is somehow "dirty" or wrong.
I see nothing wrong with your continuing showering with your son in the public showers. You have a legitimate concern about sending him there alone.
To a kid, everything about sex is new and exciting yet often embarrassing.
Everything in your post makes me think that you are a sincere caring dad who wants what's best for your son. All boys should be so lucky.;)

Dear DC_DEEP,

Your post brought tears to my eyes; I think because I wish that my own father had known how to be a better dad. Your words were wise, very wise......