I object to the very concept of "settling"...

It assumes that YOU, the very center on which the universe turns, "deserve" better.


Here's the thing... NONE of us is a prize. We don't "deserve" anything... we EARN what we get.

Every last human being is a trial for anyone else to be with, day in and day out.

I know people who found " the one"... 15 years later they are no different than any other couple. How good their relationship is is entirely dependent on whether they are capable of realizing that their lover puts up with as much shit from them as they are having to put up with.


Here's a hint... if you are alone at 40 because you think you deserve better... you have an unrealistic idea of what you deserve.
You are failing to recognize your own failings and that you are asking another human being to tolerate YOUR flaws.

And those flaws only get more distilled with age, as we become less able to adapt to change.


I "settled" at 21 for a woman who seemed to love me very much.
I was divorced from her at 35, because she became a bitter alcoholic.

In between I had years of joy and years of pain... and raised two fine sons.


But I didn't really settle.

At 21 there was no "woman of my dreams" in sight.
And at 21 I was probably not any woman's "man of her dreams" ... I was unproven, naive, awkward.

But it was not time wasted. We had a family, I created a career, we bought a house... The joy I found in my children was adequate compensation for her slowly learning that she really did not like me much.

And at 35, when it was clear that it would not get any better... when my son's were old enough to be able to understand and cope...I did meet "the one".

I began a new life... but that did not mean that my earlier life was worthless... my sons are a testament to the good intentions and efforts of my first marriage. Those 14 years were productive.... accomplished.


My second wife and I have been married 16 years now... the great early passion has cooled, as it always does with time.... but the thing we share is a similar world view, which keeps us best friends.
She is not perfect... neither am I.

But under it all is a deep understanding on BOTH of our parts that we BOTH try each other's patience... that we both have flaws that the other simply accepts.
Finding the right one is not a matter of finding the perfect person for you...
Its a matter of finding that you can accept the reality that their imperfections are no more egregious than yours... and that you can accept each other as you are.

That, and a similar worldview, and you are set for a happy life.

People who are waiting for "the one" are suffering from grass is greener syndrome...
And the delusion that they are something special.

Think less of yourself... less about yourself... and you will be happier.

Being together in a loving relationship, long term, is a constant exercise in forgiveness and letting go.