From a professional standpoint (keep in mind that I do this for pay) I offer the following:


Take some breaths!

Here's a helpful hint-when writing and giving back and forth dialogue between characters; each character action and/or quote/thought is essentially a new paragraph. When writing, remember to breath.

Here is your format:

"Hand me that Vonetta Flowers picture" he demanded without sounding demanding or looking up from the paper. While I flipped through the cd booklet He continued drawing at a frantic pace and in my elevated state of mind I found myself entranced in the rhythm, broken when he finally set his pencil down and surveyed his piece. He faced it towards me and it didn't take long to realize he had sketched a copy of Vonetta Flowers. I was impressed by the detail and precision of the drawing. Julian got up and set next to me on the bed so I could get a better view. "Julian man, this is really good. How long you been drawin'?" "Since I was a kid. My father was into architecture, and he taught me how to draw. For my nineth birthday he got me a camera, an old-school polaroid. I've been into photography and art ever since." I grinned, "you ever pick up a basketball?" I asked though I was sure I already knew the answer. "No, not really. I was never big on sports or anything. I watch it sometimes but I haven't played since I was about eleven or twelve. If you want to shoot around for fun that's cool, I feel like doing something active." The weed must've been good because it wasn't until we got up that I noticed my hand was on his leg. He paid it no mind, and went into the bathroom to change into the Nike shorts I got out of my drawer. He didn't bother closing the door and my mind was so twisted I had to catch myself from watching him undress, though I couldn't help but notice the big bubble sticking out of the back of his boxers. "Nigga you might wanna hit the gym" I told him when he walked out of the bathroom. He gave me the most puzzled look I'd ever seen on his face. "Huh?" he asked. "Nothing nigga, let's go." It wasn't until we made it to his car that I realized I still had a two more blunts rolled...[/quote]

Try this method:

"Hand me that Vonetta Flowers picture" he demanded without sounding demanding or looking up from the paper.

While I flipped through the cd booklet he continued drawing at a frantic pace and in my elevated state of mind I found myself entranced in the rhythm, broken when he finally set his pencil down and surveyed his piece. He faced it towards me and it didn't take long to realize he had sketched a copy of Vonetta Flowers. I was impressed by the detail and precision of the drawing. Julian got up and set next to me on the bed so I could get a better view. "Julian man, this is really good. How long you been drawin'?"

"Since I was a kid. My father was into architecture, and he taught me how to draw. For my nineth birthday he got me a camera, an old-school polaroid. I've been into photography and art ever since."

I grinned, "you ever pick up a basketball?" I asked though I was sure I already knew the answer.

"No, not really. I was never big on sports or anything. I watch it sometimes but I haven't played since I was about eleven or twelve. If you want to shoot around for fun that's cool, I feel like doing something active."

The weed must've been good because it wasn't until we got up that I noticed my hand was on his leg. He paid it no mind, and went into the bathroom to change into the Nike shorts I got out of my drawer. He didn't bother closing the door and my mind was so twisted I had to catch myself from watching him undress, though I couldn't help but notice the big bubble sticking out of the back of his boxers.

"Nigga you might wanna hit the gym" I told him when he walked out of the bathroom.

He gave me the most puzzled look I'd ever seen on his face. "Huh?" he asked.

"Nothing nigga, let's go."

It wasn't until we made it to his car...
Who is Tremaine? I read through the pieces you printed here and am unable to find this character-please direct me to where he was mentioned.


Your story line seems to have potential; although, as others have indicated, it is hard to fully grasp, as the chapter parts you've given are standing alone without direct connection to anything else. I would be interested in reading the opening chapter (or at least a part of it) if you feel so inclined. By bringing us (the readers) in at Chapter 4, a large part of what has led to the current situation is a mystery and we are left wondering how this moment was reached. Plot lines develop and with them comes character development. Although a story can be picked up at any time, it is helpful to have the beginnings. Would a Hemingway or Faulkner story make as much sense if the first 100 pages were missing?

Again, I find the story as shown to be interesting and I am merely offering suggestions.